I would buy an ugly packer saint of a horse in a heartbeat… but at this point, I am not sure even THAT kind of horse wouldn’t over time, start turning into something I couldn’t handle. I just can’t seem to zero in on the body language, the confidence (or a good enough acting job of confidence) to keep horses from at some point deciding they can misbehave with me. That is why I have been contemplating that I just might not have what it takes to be a safe and effective rider, even on low casual level.
As an instructor, I deal with people with this issue. They have all improved here. The reason is the way I handle it: I match them very carefully with a horse that is totally appropriate–and then gradually move them onto more and more difficult horses. The first horse they ride won’t try anything worse than going really slowly or cutting a corner of the ring occasionally. They learn how to deal with that. The next horse is maybe more adamant about cutting the corner. They learn to correct that behavior well enough that it doesn’t repeat. And so on. Until they have a full toolbox to deal with any issues that come up. And we never put a fearful, timid person on a horse that will do something awful. Some of not having a horse get worse while you ride it is recognizing when it is starting the resistance and correct it hard enough that the horse doesn’t try it again. We set our students up so they can recognize this and learn the correct response to nip it in the bud,. Often the horse for the timid person is an older horse–they tend to be more stable and stay good. Once a rider is to the point where they would be safe riding on their own, they will part lease a horse, which means they get two days to ride on their own and one day when they will be riding with me in a lesson on said horse to make sure everything is going well. Any issues that came up when they were riding will be addressed then, if I haven’t been available to help earlier, which is likely that I would have been. The biggest thing that I do for these students is to teach them to recognize behavior that needs to be corrected, and show them how to correct it effectively so the horse doesn’t think of trying it again. The biggest problem timid people have is correcting the horse effectively.
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@BabyGoose, Ray Hunt had a saying that I tell students all the time: “The horse knows when you know and he knows when you don’t know.”
I’ve come across exactly one horse in my lifetime that never took a step out of line with his owner, who knew less than nothing. The vast majority of even the good ole’ broke ones will eventually realize that the expectations are different with you. They are not “misbehaving” or “taking advantage”, they are adjusting to the expectations you are setting for them, consciously or unconsciously.
I don’t think there are any many able-minded, able-bodied people out there that cannot achieve success with horses. The difference is that some will need to work a lot harder than others. Some will need to work extraordinarily hard and commit far more time and resources into the venture: most of these people end up giving up. But that doesn’t mean they couldn’t achieve it; it means they weren’t prepared to do everything it took for them.
You are more comfortable with your mini’s: how do you feel about taking up driving instead of riding? You still have the interaction with the horses but from a different vantage point.
I think your overall lack of confidence is the larger issue here, not so much anything to do with horses themselves. Personally, I’d highly recommend (and if you PM your location, I might be able to help) finding someone who does somatic work, ground work and/or therapy work with horses. They are revealing a lot for you.
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OP, I think you would be well-served to remember that this is supposed to be fun. We do this, whatever your version of “this” is, be it trail riding, showing, etc., because we like it and because we have fun with it. It sounds like you’ve had some bad experiences that have made you scared, which is totally normal. You’d be hard-pressed to find a rider that’s never struggled with his or her confidence- I know I’ve never met one!
You’ve gotten a lot of great suggestions here, and I highly recommend seeking out a sports psychologist. Broader than that, though, find the fun again. Don’t worry about things going wrong for the umpteenth time, just enjoy the fun you’re having while you’re having it. If you’re always thinking three steps ahead about when things will start going wrong, it will affect your current performance and enjoyment.
That’s all much easier said than done, I know. I hope you get this figured out and find the fun in being with horses! It sounds like you enjoy working with your mini- maybe focus on that for a while while you find the fun in riding other horses again.
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I know someone who seems to experience a similar challenge. She had a lovely saint of a horse but reading body language was not innate and she struggled to develop those concrete skills.
What she ended up doing was buying the most kindhearted horse she could find and then found an adult rider (me) who was in need of a ride. I rode her horse for free 2-3 days a week. He was a lovely horse to ride and I felt more comfortable maintaining consistent boundaries on the ground and under saddle.
This set up allowed her to step back to lessoning one day a week and casually riding or just hanging out with him 1-2 other days a week. I was between horses so it acted as a free half-lease for me so I also benefited. She also learned a fair amount from watching videos of herself handle and ride. Having a trainer gentle show shifts in body language and ways she could have reacted differently helped her see things differently.
Last time I worked with her I don’t know if I would say it had become innate but she felt more comfortable and relaxed.
I apologize if this has already been mentioned but have you looked at EGALA? There’s a big focus on energy levels and confidence. It might be a positive and low-stress way to interact with horses while you rehab your shoulder. I hope you heal quickly.
This honestly sounds like a problem that has nothing to do with horses, and everything to do with you. You need to work on and fix you first- gaining confidence and self assuredness (sp?)- then you will be able to enjoy horses more. There is not a quick fix to this one. Not sure where it all stems from but maybe take a step back and just do lessons for a while and work on the you part of the equation.
Riding is very much a mental sport. How can a horse believe in you if you don’t believe in you??
I have a friend with a severe anxiety over riding and had panic attacks when she started. She now shows on a national level with a lovely horse in a strict training program. She rides under a trainers watchful eye 6 days a week on 6 different horses, one day a week she rides her own horses. She just bought her fourth horse and rotates through them at shows, otherwise she sours them out by hanging on them. So, she lets people from the barn lease them for a show to keep them in the ring and makes a little bit of money. They get breaks during the year to recharge as well. She’s a dr. and doesn’t have a weak personality, just very poor body communication and a total control freak. If you have enough money and time, you can live whatever dream you want.
OP find somewhere close to home that you can lesson on a oldie but goldie and rebuild your confidence. Even if you just get on and walk, eventually you will get bored and try a trot, once you are bored with that, canter a step or two. Build on it. Think positive and you got this.
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This will sound kind of silly … and probably is something for a bit down the road when you have gotten used to just riding again … but sing. Sing to your horse. Sing what you know. Make it silly if possible…
I have a terrible singing voice, but on a recent ride when my mare was wound a bit tight – and I was wound a bit tighter – the woman I was with said, “Let’s sing!” We sang hymnals, Christmas carols (yep 2 Jewish ladies doing our thing), and “The Ants Go Marching…” that left me giggling.
I’ve kept on singing. Not all the time, but I’m monitoring my own tension a bit more closely, and if the mare’s getting “up” you bet that I am … and it’s time to start singing. It gets her attention when she’s being a looky-loo (her normal state of being) and I love that one little golden ear flicking back and forth as she listens.
You can’t sing if you aren’t breathing. Just plain breathing makes a big difference … I bet you hold your breath when things get a little fraught, even if you don’t notice it.
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I love this!! I also sing sometimes…funny how those ears come back and they’re like “huh?!”
I think this is worth a conversation with a mental health counselor (or therapist, whatever you want to call it) and perhaps your doctor. There are lots of meds available to help with anxiety, and when you are less anxious, your confidence improves.
I have a friend that is a nervous rider. She doesn’t end up quite at this point but we joke a lot that she should take a shot of something before she rides.
I think the fact that your are better with your mini is encouraging. There are plenty of stocky ponies in the world that can carry an adult and despite their reputation, there are actually nice ponies in the world. An older one that’s around 13/14 hands would be ideal.
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Just off the top of my head: My horse is currently at a barn that gives mainly beginner lessons on a string of mostly geriatric school horses. In watching, I’ve observed that the beginner riders mostly just sit there and no nothing unless they have to do a maneuver of some sort, turning, changing gait, etc. The rest of the time they are not using their legs, and the reins are generally long and no contact except for turning, stopping. I don’t know if you are trying to do too much and perhaps are creating a pattern of contradictory aids or not, but perhaps this pattern of almost complete non-interference (reference to the forward seat MS person’s comments) might work for you. At any rate, I would urge you to continue on your path to find something that will allow you to enjoy whichever horse you ride.
First of all, the only people who “shouldn’t” work with horses are people who are unwilling to deal with their own limitations. Since you’re here asking for help, you’re fine. Even people who have really severe limitations can get a lot out of horses…from para-dressage to therapy minis in nursing homes. (Putting things into perspective here.) That said, if you’re not happy, you have the internet’s permission to stop doing it and go find another hobby or something.
To me it doesn’t sound like your problems are caused by a normal lack of confidence. I ride in two adult-only lessons and a lot of not-a-leader adults come through them (just because it’s a lot easier with no kids running around). All of the not-a-leader adults so far have gotten better at being leaders just from being around horses. Especially once they’ve gotten to the point where they could turn around a horse who wants to go in another direction.
It also doesn’t really sound like a scared reaction. The scared adults can generally pin down something specific–a specific event like a bad fall, or specific things like mounting or jumping, or specific reactions that they have like a panic attack. You might have some fear going on, but it doesn’t seem like that alone is what’s really causing you problems.
The person you most sound like… Well, I don’t know her well enough to talk to her about this, but I do think she has something physical going on. She has been riding for at least 5 years, and I think longer, and to be honest she still looks like a complete beginner. Her shoulders pump back and forth, her hands move up and down, and her legs flop around. (This is the “breaks and gas” part, btw, her hands often pull back inadvertently while her legs accidentally kick.) She is trying to follow instructions, but she genuinely does not know what her body is doing most of the time, and she never seems to develop the muscular control no matter how often she rides.
Some of the other posts describing people with physical difficulties riding really sum it up, better than I can, but what I really wanted to say was this came up in another thread, and I think she (and possibly you) could really benefit from a grab strap on the saddle. In particular, one of her biggest problems is the way her hands move around unintentionally, and a grab strap can help stabilize all that. Someone even mentioned this grab handle, which sounds really useful and was something I’d never heard of before: http://www.rstor.co.uk/fitting-sizing
It would also be confidence boosting, too.
Good luck!
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There have been a lot of really insightful responses to this and some of what I say echoes advice already presented, so I apologize for the repetition.
That said, I think it’s necessary to remember that not everyone starts at the same place. You can have two sixteen year old riders who have never spent a day in the saddle (even with comparable former athletic experience, fitness levels, and body type) and they will not be the same rider. Some people are naturally gifted at riding. It can be for a number of reasons: I’ve found that people who have naturally good body awareness/control, have a sense of rhythm/timing, and are naturally perceptive to ‘feel’ tend to make naturally gifted riders. That doesn’t mean they don’t spend hundreds of hours struggling with issues - but it does mean they might start the race several steps ahead of other types of riders.
I grew up riding with a girl who was several years younger than I was, but had a completely obnoxious sense of rhythm and feel. She was good from day one. I was not. Things that she didn’t have to think about/could take for granted, I had to consciously work for (day in and day out…)
For you to set yourself up for success, I would work on immediately cutting out any comparison of yourself to any other rider. It doesn’t matter if they’re younger, or have ridden for fewer years, have less experience, whatever it is: at the end of the day, they aren’t you. Don’t compare yourself to other people. It will not be productive.
Beyond that I think that a sports psychologist might be an insightful option for you. They might be able to help you work on your mental approach to things. From your posts, I admit it does sound that you’re almost setting yourself up to fail before you start. There’s a difference between being self aware and self defeating. It sounds a bit like you’re already believing you’re going to fail every time you touch a horse. As far as horses go, that’s generally the sure-fire way to fail (unfortunately).
You also mentioned that you can only ride a few days a week. I don’t know if this is plausible for you, but if you determine that it’s worth it to continue with your riding efforts, then I would look at seeing if you can’t rearrange your schedule so you can ride more frequently. Incidentally: timing matters as much as frequency does, especially at the beginning. If you aren’t “riding fit” then riding two days back to back, the second day you’ll likely be stiff/naturally tense. See if you can’t manage a one day on-one day off schedule (again, if feasible to arrange your life to manage this). I would also look at lessoning on a similar schedule. Once a week just isn’t enough for some people. Riding outside of supervision is hard. You have to be mindful of so many things, and it takes active practice and training to learn to keep track of everything you should.
Additionally, is there another trainer locally that you could work with? Sometimes some trainers just don’t click. I think this is especially relevant if you’ve worked with this trainer for a prolonged period of time and have fallen into a habit/routine. Shake it up a little, get new eyes and a new way of approaching and explaining things.
Finally: consider taking a yoga or pilates class. I don’t know if this is your problem or not, but they both improve body control and body awareness which is generally a huge benefit to riders.
Best wishes to you on your journey of figuring this out. It must be terribly frustrating to struggle so much with something that you love at the same time. I hope you find a plan that works for you.
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I know you are good at photography!!! You are really good at it, hands down.
I think you have gotten some good advice, and I’ll give you mine. If you have the personality where you will let horses walk all over you, many will. Even “dead broke” horses. They think they are following your cue and can’t read that you think you don’t want to even though you are acting permissive. Even if you are trying to be very fair with them. You have to exert some boundaries and some rules to these horses, and maybe you’re not working with someone who can help you or teach you how. As a dressage rider, I went to a Parelli-trained cowboy (BNT local dressage trainer recommended him/trained him) to learn how to deal with my current dressage-bred horse. i learned so much with his approach. Could this be the kind of person who can work with you?
Having seen your photography and reading your posts, I wonder if you are a bit of a perfectionist. I wonder if maybe changing your approach to riding a bit (a good friend of mine does lots of ground work with her horses, teaching them much, another has switched disciplines a few times and changed trainers (found one that she relates to) and now loves riding again) might make you enjoy riding again? Might help you tell the horse “hey, not that, this” and communicate boundaries. Heck, alpha horses communicate boundaries all the time and even the most subordinate horses need the more alpha “horses” to remind them that they are stepping out of line. Perhaps working with someone good with horse behavior can help you "read’ and “project” better. Or perhaps maybe stepping outside of your box/discipline and doing something different for a while can help.
It sounds like you’re not ready to give up. So don’t just yet. Try different things, maybe meet and ride with new people, and see if they spark your passion.
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I have seen sports psychologists do amazing things for people - worth a try.
In addition, getting someone to give you feedback and ideas working with horses on the ground - your body language, timing, and setting consistent boundaries would be great if you can find the right person.
If you ever have a chance to audit a clinic with Jeff Ashton Moore, he’s quite good at this. I’ve seen him coach people in their posture, approach and “presence” with horses in an effective way. And he’s hilarious to boot. He’s big on the way you hold yourself (no turtle posture/bending at the hips). I wish I could remember some of his phrases and sayings, as they were quite colorful. I like him because he is definitely able to command a horse’s attention, but he is not loud or rough - always a smile and sense of humor.
Learn to get a horse to recognize you as someone important on the ground. Later, after you build that skill on the ground, transfer that to riding. Can you lease or part lease a horse you can practice this with?
Don’t give up or get down on yourself. Get some good coaching and go for it.
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That is a very good post IMO. If you really really want to ride, don’t give up. But maybe you should change your goals… Right now it seems that your goal is to ride comfortably… Maybe set your goal to something like Doing a trail ride in a specific area, or do an Intro Level test at a schooling show… Don’t know depends on you. Because then you focus on that goal and not on the basic problem any more. Thats what helped me in the past to advance. I just entered a show then I was under pressure to be fit for the show…
Good luck!! and I am sure you can succeed!!!
There have been a lot of really good posts on here. I am kind of fixated on the accident, though. That’s some serious damage for a fall – was the horse running away when it happened? A head injury like that with a helmet, and breaking your arm at the shoulder…sounds like a high speed crash. At any rate, my guess is the horse reacted violently to something to throw you off with such force. If it wasn’t, I wonder if you should look into your balance. Some of the Eastern disciples, like Tai Chi or Gi Gong might be helpful for you.
So I am now questioning your trainer, I think. As someone else mentioned, I would work on the simplest things with you when riding – making a perfect circle at the walk, go into the corners of the arena on a correct bend, backing up in a straight line, halting at x. Mindfulness in riding might be a key here, with the correct tack for you (a deep dressage saddle, or maybe a western saddle). Are you communicating with your horse, really listening to him? How aware are you of what the horse is doing under you when you ride? Can you count the footsteps and which leg is moving when at the walk? Are you paying attention to the feel underneath you? How about what the ears are doing? The tension in the body? How do the reins feel in your hands connected to the bit? Are you sitting up? Are your legs moving? Start small – a perfect walk around the arena, staying on the track, bending in the corners. Just like training a horse, start with small tasks you can accomplish. Is the horse acting up? Stop. Get yourself centered again, breath deeply. Have a good ride for 15 minutes, get off.
Just acknowledging that the horse needs you to be the leader and doing small steps to be a leader may be helpful. Try some Buck Brannaman videos. It may build your confidence. It’s hard to tell without seeing you, but it seems to me that learning to communicate with the horse and learning how they think would be helpful. Can’t hurt, anyway.
One more edit – there are many kind horses out there that do not want to take advantage of you. But all horses may react if they feel there is absolutely no leadership on the other end of the reins, because when something happens they are afraid of, they just figure I’d better take care of myself! They want you to tell them what to do…so don’t be afraid to do it. There won’t be hurt feelings, or recriminations…they will respect you more.
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I haven’t read this whole thread so maybe someone else has suggested this already…
During your rehab and physical therapy I would try to start doing yoga. 90% of riding is body awareness and yoga is very good practice for learning body awareness. The primary thing that successful riders can do better than others is the ability to listen to their horse and to simply make adjustments to their position when their horse requires it. That’s really all good riding amounts to, and if you can learn body awareness on your own it will hopefully translate to when you have a horse between your legs. You may actually find that rehab helps you to learn body awareness, but yoga will help you with things like managing your breathing which is incredibly important when you ride. It will help you to fully, productively focus on you rather than on the horse, and I suspect that’s the missing link in your training thus far.
The other thing I would suggest is to read the book Centered Riding by Sally Swift, cover to cover, until you have basically memorized it and internalized it. (It’s a short book) 
This book essentially taught me how to ride as a kid, and I have a knack for settling hot, tense horses as a mature rider. I use some of the imagery from this book in almost every ride to this day.
