I know this question is totally off topic, but I have read the term used in several threads recently and it is not a term I know.
What does the term skip bucket mean?
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Muck bucket. I think it’s a British-ism. “Skipping out” a stall means picking a stall.
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Thank you. Not sure how I have been around horses for so long and never heard that term before.
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I got it through context and googling but I too had never heard it before this thread.
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I was guessing muck bucket but I figured I would ask. I am thankful for the explanation of the term.
I’m so sorry to confuse people! I have so many friends from the UK (and lived there for two years), I tend to use the term interchangeably.
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Always glad to learn something!
I am pretty sure I have read the term several times here in the last few days (maybe they were all you, I did not pay attention to who was using the term) so I figured it was a term worth asking about.
I think skip bucket sounds much better than muck bucket or manure bucket so… yet another reason I am glad I asked.
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I always think of it as a sort of general light bucket for anything that should be picked up ASAP rather than left on the floor, from a quick sweep of the crossties after cleaning hooves, picking a mound of manure before putting a horse away, so I guess kind of “manure, muck, and anything else that can go out later in the muck heap”! I like many British terms…although I do of course say blankets rather than rugs, and trailer rather than lorry and so forth.
We — specifically I — LOVED that little pony. But my experience mirrors your own - typically PITA boarders have PITA horses. The horse tends to sometimes emulate its owner.
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Potomac Horse Center (dating myself) used the term skip out for picking a stall. Caused a lot of head scratching from new students; skip out? does that mean I can leave? I still use it on occasion.
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Not to hijack this thread but the whole being introverted and having people who are very social at a barn has been an issues I’ve run into for the first time ever. At no other barn I’ve bordered at has this been a problem and I’ve boarder for over 25 years. My current barn is very small and the issue is from the BOs. Finding good boarding in my area is difficult. So, I’m unfortunately going to be kinda vague.
I’m dealing with a situation where I’m almost never alone. And I don’t mean the only person around, I mean never getting left alone. I’d never in a million years expect the barn or ring to myself or anything crazy like that. It would just be nice to have a small chat and then go about my business. Half time time the conversation keeps going even as I walk to my car.
The people are lovey overall and kind but social interaction so often and that sustained is something I find so draining and I also feel like I can’t focus on my horse. And I’m sure my horse can sense my anxiety as well.
Not only that but there’s constant questions about riding/training/care. And it is about every horse on the property. (The other 2 boarders are rarely around.) I’m happy to help and share what I can but I can’t do this all the time. I’ve gotten the name of trainers and they’ve used them but it hasn’t helped the situation. I feel like I’m getting nothing productive done and I feel like my bond with my horse suffers.
I’ve thus far just dealt with it because my horse is getting excellent care and outside of this issue the place is perfect. With that said I’m to the point where I haven’t been going out to the barn much because of this. Not fair to my horse at all and the whole situation makes me feel like such a jerk. And my mood of anxiety/annoyance follows me through the day.
It is nice to have barn friends and people to ride with but I don’t want that to be my entire horse life. I don’t have the bandwidth to have intense friendships like that and I never have. I’m cool with once in a while intenseness but I can’t do 2-3 hours of it every time I go out. Honestly even my best friend and I only speak about once a week. (She’s an introvert too.)
But what the heck do you say to this issue? I kinda feel like there’s no way it wouldn’t come across as rude no matter how kindly the topic is approached. Is this a situation where Im best just moving? Finding excellent care is hard but if the care from me to my horses is suffering that’s problematic all around.
Even typing this out I feel like I sound like a huge brat and “that boarder”. I have never been told I was problematic and I try to be as low key as possible. I never ask for anything extra, I never complain. The only reason I moved was my last place closed.
So- what is the wisdom of COTH on this one? Am I being “that boarder” and do I just need to suck it up or is this a valid issue?
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Your feelings are valid.
I’d love to tell you that you could politely say to the BM, “Hey I really enjoy having Dobbin here in your excellent care! Unfortunately my life is really busy and stressful right now. I get a lot of value out of being able to come visit and ride my horse. I need to focus on my horse care and riding but regrettably don’t have time for more than a brief chat when I come out. I don’t want to seem rude as I really enjoy your barn and talking with you but I’m on a tight schedule.”
But. It’s barn folks. No guarantee BO won’t act bat crazy.
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I’m going to say that barn owners who regularly monopolize your time, don’t pick up on your cues, and follow you to your car blathering on about trivial stuff have issues with boundaries, perhaps are isolated and lonely, may have early onset dementia or TBI. No wonder the other 2 boarders stay away.
When you start out by defining yourself as the problem, in this case introvert, it can be difficult to recognize when other people are a problem, perhaps in a different or opposite way from you.
These kind of needy, clingy, chatterbox types need very clear but kind cues. They don’t pick up on normal cues. You need to say “hey I’ve got to keep moving fast today because I don’t have much time” and smile and walk away. You need to stop being their one stop horse Wikipedia. “I really don’t want to suggest anything for someone else’s horse. You should ask your vet.” Also start wearing visible ear pods.
When you are working with your horse, say “sorry, I can’t chat now. I need to focus on my horse. I can’t do two things at once!”
Their behavior is not normal, and they can’t recognise normal social cues. So give them very clear explicit cues. Be kind but explicit. Like you are dealing with a small child.
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If you don’t want to jeopardize the relationship, can you throw an ear bud in and pretend to be in a call? Do the whole mouthing and pointing at your ear bud thing. If following to your car, take your phone at it and stare at intently for a mo.ent and then say “I’m sorry, I have to take this call” and pretend to answer while getting in your car and leaving?
Horse people can be really crazy and I feel like in this situation there’s no way out without being perceived as rude.
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Alter71: Here is my magic go-to for the monopolizers who pick up on no cues. I have had them in my life. You must have a plan. You must execute it with absolute conviction and consistency. Like Hannibal leading the Carthaginian elephants across the Alps to conquer Rome. This does work, but take. no. prisoners.
It is the magic word “later”. And interrupting in a smiling but bossy way. And walking away in the middle of their sentence with body language showing that you don’t even hear them, you are thinking of such important other things. You must physically move away from them.
"Oh that is so interesting, let’s talk about that LATER! I’ve got to go get some things." Then you must have a strategy ready to move yourself and your stuff and your horse immediately, so there is no need to go back.
Do not feel trapped by the conventions of where a horse is groomed and tacked. Or that the person is still talking. Have an easily portable grooming kit, swing it up over your shoulder and busily walk away to somewhere else, horse in tow, with the air that there is something vital in that other place that you need right this minute. Know where you will go - the first time that day, the second time that day, etc. Go to your trailer. Even your car. Other side of the barn slightly out of sight. Even the other side of the arena … just elsewhere a bit remote and not so comfortable to follow you there.
Groom your horse there in the other place. (If you show or go off property for trail rides, clinics, etc., it is the best training ever to teach your horse to stand and be groomed with a rope around his neck. It’s not hard to give the horse the idea, and then you can get ready anywhere.)
Do this as often as necessary. If you have to “later” and relocate 3 times in 15 minutes, just do it. Think of yourself as training the other person. As with your horse, you must be consistent so that they know what to expect (non-gratification of claiming your attention).
The word “later” gives them (and you) a face-saving out. You aren’t shutting them down, you are giving them “later”.
“Later” may or may not ever come. If you wish, you can pick your own “later” and bring up the topic and ask to hear their thoughts. They will be startled, but it may make them feel that you are a friendly and fair person. But – you don’t have to. Likely all they wanted was attention in the moment and the moment has passed. And you are not obliged to give them that at your expense.
In any case, you must put great importance on yourself such that you can just stand up and walk off at any time. With a smile, but also with conviction.
This does work if you are absolute and ruthless about it. There is no mystery about what will happen because it’s the same every time.
The other person learns the most essential thing there is to know about you: What to expect. You don’t listen to them, period, and that’s what they can expect.
You are changing their expectation. They won’t necessarily change their attempts to talk & talk, but once they start they will give up more readily and make it easier for you to walk away.
If you are really lucky, they will mark you as “The Introvert Who Won’t Talk” and let you be. No promises on that, though.
I hope you can change this barn situation to be a lot more palatable for you than it is now. IMO that behavior is narcissistic and insensitive to the other person, so I have no regrets about dealing with it without remorse. They always live. And it has never really changed a relationship for the worse – with such self-involved people, there was never much of a relationship there to begin with.
Good luck !!!
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I dunno, I’d personally suddenly “forget” I had all this knowledge when they asked … and give vague, uncertain answers. Kinda like what’s been suggested already, where you just defer to an appropriate expert in that field (farrier, vet, trainer, etc.).
Then you don’t make it weird for either of you, but you get to divest yourself of this responsibility to answer this never ending stream of questions and concerns.
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The barn I’m at now I would say has a good supportive community of boarders, but the tone is definitely set by BO. I’ve been at a larger, multi-discipline barn with a couple on-site instructors, and that place kinda ran the gamut of “drama” depending really on who boarded there, but it was owned by non-horse professional, so common things in barn were overlooked and BO would grow defensive.
While I personally would enjoy the social aspects at the barn, I’ve definitely been the “outsider” or low-key bullied frequent enough where I have pretty low expectations. What I’ve found though is that the group with the most money to spend with the trainer/coach will definitely be treated favourably, so if “that boarder” asks for the same thing they see wealthy client get, “that boarder” will get bitched at, but wealthy client gets full access, not an issue. And I’m talking about basic stuff included in the barn or extra charged stuff that BOTH are willing and ready to pay for.
How I see that play out is “that boarder” gets increasingly anxious, wondering why everyone else gets it except them, so they ask some more, and BO gets increasingly frustrated. I think if BO can set the tone in a way that everyone if treated fairly, then there can be less anxiety and wondering “why not me?”. I’m seeing it play out right now at my current barn, and as a sociologist by training, it’s pretty interesting!
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I am at a lovely barn, with a truly remarkable, supportive group of people.
The factors that make it so:
1.) Size. 20+ horses overall, 10 - 12 active boarders.
2.) A professional who runs a tight ship and doesn’t put up with a lot of BS. Also, the expectation that everybody chips in and helps with the work in order to keep costs down.
3.) Only a few kids, mostly older ones.
4.) Not a heavy competition schedule. Foxhunting, fun shows and lower level events.
5.) A very strong barn culture. Someone who doesn’t fit in with the group is a.) probably not going to want to join us b.) if they do, probably won’t stay long.
6.) Individual tack lockers.
What this barn culture means is that if I am running late, someone will have brought my horse in and started grooming it. In one case, when I was delayed on the road, my tacked up horse was waiting for me in the ring. I’ve done the same for my barn mates.
I cleaned someone’s else tack, someone else has cleaned mine.
Other boarders notice shoes off, missing fly masks, little cuts and scrapes, etc.
Someone is always collecting money for a birthday, a thank you or a get well and everyone participates. It’s not the same person organizing every time either
We all cheer each other on and celebrate each other’s successes.
We socialize, go out together, travel together and still like each other afterwards.
I’m not saying it’s always utopia, people get their feelings hurt , eel like their contributions aren’t seen or that somebody else isn’t pulling their weight. But it gets worked out and we move on. Overall, it’s an incredibly supportive group of adults.
Yes, I know I am beyond fortunate.
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#3 helps a LOT. I like kids but the more of them you have, the more drama seems to follow. I’ve been at a barn I truly love for over a decade and it’s generally low drama. But the few times there was some drama, it was always connected to kids, and the more kids the higher level of drama. Usually the drama didn’t ORIGINATE from the kids, it originated from the MOMS… but then it flowed down to the kids and permeated everything.
Right now we have maybe 4-5 tweens/teens. They don’t go to the same schools. They like each other fine but aren’t friends outside of the barn. Everyone else who boards there is an adult. And this is FINE… but once you start having gaggles of kids and kids of all ages it always seems to cause hurt feelings (the older girls get to do things the younger girls can’t and the younger girls get jealous, etc.)
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About half of your examples made my hair stand up. Nope, nope, nope.
For me, the barn is for riding. Someone trying to pool money for Suzie’s birthday would get a huge WTF NO from me. I’m civil, helpful, don’t mind chipping in on labor for the farm/barn. But no on cleaning tack (unless asked for help specifically), and no on extending social anything outside the barn.
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