Spinoff: All the single ladies (All the single ladies) Now put your hands up!

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I recently brought my horse home from the hospital after a terrible colic. A sweet barnmate was asking about the situation, and about making the decision regarding whether your horse is a surgical candidate. Next question was, “do you have a husband?” And then the conversation turned to how lucky I am not to have to negotiate that kind of thing with a spouse.

Touché, married friend!

But it can be a very Dickensian position being a single woman in the horse world: the best of times and the worst of times. Sure I can bankrupt myself on vet bills without having to worry about anyone else’s financial priorities. I can pack up and go to a show without having to plan around a partner’s family’s reunions/weddings/other obligatory and ostensibly enjoyable opportunities to connect with another family’s great aunts and second cousins. I can spend a Friday night taking advantage of the one glorious time window when the arena is virtually guaranteed to be free of hormonal high schoolers or overconfident college students and their respective dramas, without any home life guilt.

But don’t be fooled by the Beyonce dance or the spending G’s on vet bills or the hot Friday nights getting slobbered on by a thousand pound hunk of horseflesh. It’s not all freewheeling fun as an unmarried adult horseperson. There’s the matter of not having someone in the stands to video your ride at shows or to run back and get the number that you (d’oh!) left on your halter at the stall. The physical labors that seem more herculean when conquered single-handed (there’s nothing like building a hay shed with nothing but your bare hands and a toolbox … and then having to stack all the hay in that shed by yourself when you’re done). Budgeting for horse expenses on a single income in a world where housing costs are soaring. And, of course, having only your own shoulders to lean on when you have to decide in a terrible instant whether your horse is a candidate for life-saving surgery.

I know I’m not the only one who’s tasted the bittersweetness of having neither an unsupportive DH nor a supportive SO while navigating equestrian life. So, single horsepeople, here’s a thread for the triumphs of flying solo and the tribulations of singledom that impact your horse life.

[Glyphica]

I’m very recently single. I mainly miss the companionship – someone to talk to and snuggle with. And I’m terrified of getting back out into the dating world.

My ex-SO wasn’t involved with the horses in any capacity (how I prefer it), but also was never opposed to the horses either. We both had intense careers that we’re passionate about, and were always sideline supportive of each other (or so I thought…).

I look at my other horse pro friends, most of whom have partners that make a lot of time demands (most of which seem unreasonable to me and mildly retaliatory against the horses), and worry about any future relationships i may have. I’ve always been extremely independent, and I’m not about to become some man’s second mother.

So yeah… Not sure if this was the kind of response you were looking for.

[2DogsFarm]

:rolleyes: Thanks for the earworm…

I was lucky in that my Total City Guy DH (gone now 16yrs) took up riding at age 56, went on to become proficient enough to show Hunters & low level Eventing & Dressage with me.

When he was alive I campaigned subtly for a move to the country where we could have horses at home.
But his business & kids (from marriage #1) were in the City & so the idea remained a pipedream,
Still we manged to ride at least 3 days a week, driving 1h+ to & from where the horses were boarded.
And when we showed I had his back, he had mine.
We shared the work, he specialized in hitching & driving truck/trailer, I did the loading, prepping & a lot we did together.
That was Then…

I have now had horses on my own farmette for 14yrs.
I made the move 2yrs after losing him - despite the naysaying of friends & BO who felt they had to remind me horsekeeping was Work & though nearby, the city I picked was NOT Big City.
I would not move back for all the tea in China.

My Herd consists of my Dressage mount: 17yo TWH who now trots, 18yo Hackney Pony who used to drive but is now largely decorative & 34" mini who is my Driver.
I still suck at backing the trailer, but otherwise I do it all myself.
Just last month I drove 3h+ to drive the mini at a 3-day weekend event with Drivers from all over the country.
I have found a small crew of horseshow buddies & lucked out with a neighbor “kid” (32yo) who is my faux grandson - looks out for me & often offers to chauffeur me & mini to shows.

I expect to go on this way until I am too old to throw a leg over or crawl into a cart.

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@Glyphica

I’m very recently single. I mainly miss the companionship – someone to talk to and snuggle with. And I’m terrified of getting back out into the dating world.

My ex-SO wasn’t involved with the horses in any capacity (how I prefer it), but also was never opposed to the horses either. We both had intense careers that we’re passionate about, and were always sideline supportive of each other (or so I thought…).

I look at my other horse pro friends, most of whom have partners that make a lot of time demands (most of which seem unreasonable to me and mildly retaliatory against the horses), and worry about any future relationships i may have. I’ve always been extremely independent, and I’m not about to become some man’s second mother.

So yeah… Not sure if this was the kind of response you were looking for.

There’s a sort of damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t situation that I’ve encountered as an extremely independent equestrian in the dating world (at least as an ammie with a demanding career and some dedicated riding goals on the side). Either you sacrifice some horse time/goals in the beginning to make time to nurture a new relationship, and run the risk of generating resentment or a sense of betrayal or abandonment when you later try to make time to re-commit to your equestrian passions. Or you lay it all out there from the get go and marvel at how many men who say “I’m attracted to independent women” actually mean “I’m attracted to women who will choose the restaurant or plan fun outings and manage household tasks without my involvement”, rather than “I can hang with women who have abilities and priorities that don’t necessarily involve me”. No doubt there are guys out there who would be delighted to have separate but equal hobby time, enjoy companionship and sharing certain responsibilities, and be satisfied with being wanted rather than needed; I haven’t yet figured out where to find them.

The sort of separate passions but mutual support situation you describe with your ex sounds pretty ideal for the independent horsewoman, but only, of course, if it actually works.

[Glyphica]

@x-halt-salute

There’s a sort of damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t situation that I’ve encountered as an extremely independent equestrian in the dating world (at least as an ammie with a demanding career and some dedicated riding goals on the side). Either you sacrifice some horse time/goals in the beginning to make time to nurture a new relationship, and run the risk of generating resentment or a sense of betrayal or abandonment when you later try to make time to re-commit to your equestrian passions. Or you lay it all out there from the get go and marvel at how many men who say “I’m attracted to independent women” actually mean “I’m attracted to women who will choose the restaurant or plan fun outings and manage household tasks without my involvement”, rather than “I can hang with women who have abilities and priorities that don’t necessarily involve me”. No doubt there are guys out there who would be delighted to have separate but equal hobby time, enjoy companionship and sharing certain responsibilities, and be satisfied with being wanted rather than needed; I haven’t yet figured out where to find them.

The sort of separate passions but mutual support situation you describe with your ex sounds pretty ideal for the independent horsewoman, but only, of course, if it actually works.

well, I thought it worked! Lol. He totally blindsided me with the split. He had recently changed jobs from a really small techy/nerdy environment to a more tpyical corporate situation involving a ton of ex military men with more typical SAHM marriage situations. I guess the ex decided he liked that type of life better. Power to him. I love my 60-80hr work weeks, and I’m certainly not giving it up to play maid.

**Absolutely nothing against people who want that lifestyle. It’s just not for me, and I’m still a little raw from the break up.

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@2DogsFarm

I have now had horses on my own farmette for 14yrs.
I made the move 2yrs after losing him - despite the naysaying of friends & BO who felt they had to remind me horsekeeping was Work & though nearby, the city I picked was NOT Big City.
I would not move back for all the tea in China.

My Herd consists of my Dressage mount: 17yo TWH who now trots, 18yo Hackney Pony who used to drive but is now largely decorative & 34" mini who is my Driver.
I still suck at backing the trailer, but otherwise I do it all myself.
Just last month I drove 3h+ to drive the mini at a 3-day weekend event with Drivers from all over the country.
I have found a small crew of horseshow buddies & lucked out with a neighbor “kid” (32yo) who is my faux grandson - looks out for me & often offers to chauffeur me & mini to shows.

I expect to go on this way until I am too old to throw a leg over or crawl into a cart.

I love hearing about people who are doing the farm(ette) thing independently. Inspiring!

[anon38350891]

I board my one horse, so the chores and such are not a concern. But I live in south Texas where many many horse people trail ride as couples, have dinner on the way home from trail as couples, share the horse chores associated with trail riding as couples who gender-divide on Texas traditional lines.

That means: He hooks up the trailer the night before, loads hay nets, hauls the water carrying vessel that weighs 8000 pounds out to the rig, and then goes to bed. She arises in the early morning, puts on full make-up and a blingy riding outfit, while he makes coffee for their thermos, packs everything else and loads the horses.

She sashays out at the last minute (doesn’t want to get sweaty), and climbs into their him-maintained dually or diesel which he then drives to the trail head, stopping to buy her tacos and treats on the way.

They arrive at the trailhead, where I am sweating and shaking from everything I’ve just that morning done by myself, including hauling the 8000-pound water vessel. I look like hell. She looks fine. They smooch and he says “That’s my pretty cowgirl!” while he unloads the horses, leads hers to a good mounting spot, and assists his cowgirl into the saddle.

“Where’s my water bottle?”, she cries. He fetches it. “Hurry up and get on, we need to go!”, she cries. He hurries up. ETC.

If I sound jealous, well. She also has the magical ability not to sweat on trail, to smile perfectly for selfies and other photos, and they ride holding hands when the trail is wide enough. Also, her lipstick lasts all day. Just to rub salt into the wound.

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@Glyphica

well, I thought it worked! Lol. He totally blindsided me with the split. He had recently changed jobs from a really small techy/nerdy environment to a more tpyical corporate situation involving a ton of ex military men with more typical SAHM marriage situations. I guess the ex decided he liked that type of life better. Power to him. I love my 60-80hr work weeks, and I’m certainly not giving it up to play maid.

**Absolutely nothing against people who want that lifestyle. It’s just not for me, and I’m still a little raw from the break up.

I mean, I wouldn’t mind having a SAHH to have dinner on the table for me when I get home from an after-work ride… so I guess I can understand the appeal. I love and respect many people who’ve adopted pretty traditional gender roles. But I’ve got so many better things to do than cook and clean for somebody who simply expects it because of the plumbing we’ve each got!

[Cuttergal]

I will be divorced soon. Child custody is still up in the air, but i’m going for it. I have figured out husband is a narcissist and once i told him no more kids, he was emotionally done with me, verbally abusive, fits the bill of a narcissist to a ‘t’. I’m so glad he’s moved out, i felt a million pounds lifted off my shoulders from the anxiety he caused me. Would today be the day the grizzly bear killed me? No more fear now that he’s gone.

The only thing i miss is his electrical knowledge, having a farm, that knowledge is handy. And of course the “i heard something, can you go see if anything is outside?”.

I have no ambition right now to get into a relationship, i’m nervous he may be a repeat of the ex. I’m enjoying my not having to check in, and not worrying about pissing him off over nothing.

I hope him and his mistress make each other miserable, and he realizes it was pretty good with me, someone who worked her ass off to provide and was a decent human being. He’s already turned friends against me. But i feel that if they were my true friends, they wouldn’t have turned against me.

[IPEsq]

I’m right there with you OP. I don’t have a farm for money reasons. To be honest, most of the labor doesn’t bother me. It’s the same with my townhouse. What I would like is sometimes just another body, another set of hands. A fabulous roommate would do as far as some of the labor of home or farm ownership goes. And even then, I’ve known enough non-handy guys that what I actually need is a handyman on retainer. For the most part, I really only wish for second income because the housing and general cost of living is going up so much, all the bills aside from the horses.

Anyway, I 100% get you on the dating thing as well.

The other day, I was watching some riders and babysitting my horse and his latest injury. I was sitting with an older woman who was watching her adult daughter ride a young horse. We get to chatting about that horse and my problem child, and later when she gets up to leave, she says, “You should get another horse. You know what they say, everyone should have at least 3.” Pause. “Do you have a husband?” “No.” “Good. Get another horse.” lol.

[PossumHorse]

@x-halt-salute

I love hearing about people who are doing the farm(ette) thing independently. Inspiring!

I’ve been doing it for 20 years. I had to take vacation today to dig up and repair the water line in the barn. It was a long and frustrating “morning”. Finally got it fixed on my 4th attempt after 20 or 30 trips between the house and barn. Dog even gave up on me and said he’d rather hang in the air conditioning. But I couldn’t verify that I have no drips because I managed to leave the hose on and flooded the hay stall which then flooded my hole. So tonight after the storms are done I will have to bail out the hole for what seems like the ninteith time to do a final check (and cover myself in mud again) before I can fill the hole in and finish the job.

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@anon38350891

I board my one horse, so the chores and such are not a concern. But I live in south Texas where many many horse people trail ride as couples, have dinner on the way home from trail as couples, share the horse chores associated with trail riding as couples who gender-divide on Texas traditional lines.

That means: He hooks up the trailer the night before, loads hay nets, hauls the water carrying vessel that weighs 8000 pounds out to the rig, and then goes to bed. She arises in the early morning, puts on full make-up and a blingy riding outfit, while he makes coffee for their thermos, packs everything else and loads the horses.

She sashays out at the last minute (doesn’t want to get sweaty), and climbs into their him-maintained dually or diesel which he then drives to the trail head, stopping to buy her tacos and treats on the way.

They arrive at the trailhead, where I am sweating and shaking from everything I’ve just that morning done by myself, including hauling the 8000-pound water vessel. I look like hell. She looks fine. They smooch and he says “That’s my pretty cowgirl!” while he unloads the horses, leads hers to a good mounting spot, and assists his cowgirl into the saddle.

“Where’s my water bottle?”, she cries. He fetches it. “Hurry up and get on, we need to go!”, she cries. He hurries up. ETC.

If I sound jealous, well. She also has the magical ability not to sweat on trail, to smile perfectly for selfies and other photos, and they ride holding hands when the trail is wide enough. Also, her lipstick lasts all day. Just to rub salt into the wound.

:lol::lol::lol:

There’s a dressage show version of this woman you describe. I see her DH feed carrots to her horse while she takes a bathroom break, and strip her stall for her while she does the delicate work of unbraiding, and carry all of the trunks and hay and heavy things to and from the trailer. Then I look at myself covered in sweat, white breeches no longer all that white after doing all the chores, and think to myself that it’s probably o.k. that she’s the one with someone in the stands to collect video/photo evidence of her show presentation, and not me.

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@IPEsq

I’m right there with you OP. I don’t have a farm for money reasons. To be honest, most of the labor doesn’t bother me. It’s the same with my townhouse. What I would like is sometimes just another body, another set of hands. A fabulous roommate would do as far as some of the labor of home or farm ownership goes. And even then, I’ve known enough non-handy guys that what I actually need is a handyman on retainer. For the most part, I really only wish for second income because the housing and general cost of living is going up so much, all the bills aside from the horses.

Oh man, totally. I can do the handiwork, but having another set of capable hands and a second income would be nice. Especially the way real estate in our region is going – I’d love to have a place where I could keep horses at home someday, but doing that on a single income just doesn’t seem like it will ever be doable in this area.

@IPEsq

The other day, I was watching some riders and babysitting my horse and his latest injury. I was sitting with an older woman who was watching her adult daughter ride a young horse. We get to chatting about that horse and my problem child, and later when she gets up to leave, she says, “You should get another horse. You know what they say, everyone should have at least 3.” Pause. “Do you have a husband?” “No.” “Good. Get another horse.” lol.

Hahaha. I like the way she thinks.

[superD]

I board my horse, so I don’t have the chores issues. BUT, I have dogs and I work full time. I seem to be unable to fit work, dogs and barn all in on the same day. Sadly my dog has major separation anxiety so there is no letting him out then head to the barn option. So I do miss having someone to come home to, someone to be there for the dogs so I can go ride, and a personal cheering section would be amazing. Oh and of course having that lovely second income would be dreamy.

Dating world sucks big time when you are older. I feel like since I didn’t meet a guy and have a successful marriage right after college, I am doomed.

[Buckshot1]

This is something I’ve been thinking about lately… I am perpetually single and pretty independant. So much so that I moved several hours away from all my family and friends to a place where I knew no-one, just me and the horses. I was amused when some people called me ‘brave’. But recently it was pointed out to me that it’s hard to be single because everything - EVERYTHING - falls on your shoulders. And it’s true! This is especially hard in emergencies (eg: sick horse, car breaking down) or when you’re trying to fit something extra into an already busy horsey life. If I want to do something after work (go out, attend an event, study, etc) I have to either give up on dinner (or eat unhealthy and/or expensive takeaway) and sleep, or pay someone to do the horses, or both.

I’m lucky in that my mum shares my horse passion and we are able to support each other even at a distance in this crazy hobby. I have also made an effort to build up relationships with people at my barn, and they will step in for me if required. And I always have up to date roadside assistance!!

Honestly, in terms of my horsey life I feel pretty supported, and I understand that the possibility of finding a SO who would be involved in that world is very low. And do I even want that? I don’t know.

What I do want is someone to share the non-horsey parts of life with. The horse world can be very insular and self-involved. I’d love a guy to live in the ‘real world’ with. However he would need to understand the demands on my time and work with me in that regard.

[Buckshot1]

Oh and as for that second income thing - a girl can dream!!! :lol::lol::lol:

[tbchick84]

Oh boy, if I could just clone myself and get a second income out of it, I’d have no problem with that. The work, I think I could handle on my own once I don’t have to also work a full time job. My area is very pricey, so I’ll never be able to afford anything more than a few acres and a run out shed, at least until I hit Powerball.

The having someone to video my rides at shows and run back to grab my bridle number I forgot before my dressage test (every single damn time!) would be awesome. Other than that, I’m fine with my single-ness. I’ve hauled my horse off to many a fun destination, shows, hunter paces, trail rides, when my friends are stuck at baby showers, weddings, and family picnics. I like the occasional social event, but I’m always more than happy to go home and take a good nap on my couch without any distractions.

[lorilu]

I am divorced about 18 years now, and retired for 8. I have 5 acres and 3 horses, two I ride/compete.
I like the single life but admit I miss the companionship of a relationship - the good parts, that is. Sharing ideas. going places (I do travel by myself, and far too many folks think that is “brave” of me…). I miss having someone to hold the other end of the fence board…
I have found that it is vital to develop a circle of dependable friends. We help each other out… in emergencies, when one of us goes to an away show, to call and go to a movie or dinner. I have long thought we needed a “woman farm owner’s club”…
On the plus side, almost every day I find I am stronger, smarter, and more capable than my parents would have ever thought…

Someone want to hold the other end of that fence board for me?
L

[lorilu]

And i wanted to add - here in the South, I think most men do not know what to do with an independent, smart, capable woman. And besides, those who are single at my age (or even younger), are single FOR A REASON. Or they are married… and that is another story, equally unsavory.

[Trakehner]

@x-halt-salute

:lol::lol::lol:

There’s a dressage show version of this woman you describe. I see her DH feed carrots to her horse while she takes a bathroom break, and strip her stall for her while she does the delicate work of unbraiding, and carry all of the trunks and hay and heavy things to and from the trailer. Then I look at myself covered in sweat, white breeches no longer all that white after doing all the chores, and think to myself that it’s probably o.k. that she’s the one with someone in the stands to collect video/photo evidence of her show presentation, and not me.

A princess…how speshul she is. Guy needs his backbones and other organs back even if he doesn’t use them. Problem with princesses, they don’t have equals, only servants and serfs…what adult wants to be a peon…well, what healthy adult does.