Spinoff: Things Your Trainer Said That Cracked You Up

[chestnutmarebeware]

Years ago a wealthy boss was generous enough to give me her fancy dressage horse because he hated being micromanaged (apparently a minus in a dressage horse :lol:) and she thought he’d enjoy cantering around hunter courses in a point-and-shoot style.

The caveat was that I take some dressage lessons with her trainer so I’d learn his buttons. That woman was a saint, and has since gone on to stratospheric heights, but she was bemused by a hunter rider with zero dressage experience (she’d tell me to xxxx at letter x and I’d have to halt and look around Every Time to find the blasted thing.

But what really amazed her was the way my leg position defaulted to a hunt seat position every few seconds. I absolutely couldn’t help it (damn you, muscle memory!), so she ended up yelling “hunter leg!!!” about every 10 seconds. It always made me laugh out loud, and still does when I think about it.

(I won’t mention the time when, at her wit’s end, she bungee-corded my stirrups together under horsey’ belly and said “that’s where your leg should be” and made me ride the whole lesson like that. I laughed plenty, but it hurt like hell!)

[TheMountainsAreCalli]

This did not make me laugh at the time, but it makes me laugh now: Imagine tiny little 6-year-old MtnsCalling learning to canter at a lovely hunter facility. Following my horse’s mouth with my hands, I would repeatedly hear my trainer call out, “Pretend you’re holding my gin and tonic in your hands! Don’t spill my gin! Don’t spill my gin!”

My 6-yr-old brain normalized this, but some years later I realized it was a little off-kilter to have an instructor perched up on her balcony, sipping gin and tonics during lessons.

(Sidenote: thanks for the “hunter leg!” story-- I’m going to both remember it and use it!)

[oldernewbie]

It’s not only what he says but how he says it. Him: heavy French accent. Me: older dressage re-rider from the saddle seat world with many bad habits.

Seeet back! Seeet Back! SEEEEET BACK! (Said at least 20 times a lesson at the beginning)

Shouted one day when I made a really bad error: THAT EEEEZ NOT CORRECT!! (Poor guy, I was on his last nerve. He never shouted normally)

And there are many more. Love him, love his accent.

[Lady_Eboshi]

Olympic event trainer at a clinic:

“Fer chrissakes, EQUITATE, willya?” :lol:

Hey, pretty is as pretty gets done.

[poltroon]

“As the great eventing trainer Yoda once said, ‘Do or do not. There is no try.’”

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

“How bout this time we try to do some circles instead of triangles and squares?”

“I can tell you failed Geometry.”

[Silverbridge]

My trainer cracks me up all the time.

One of the biggest was at AZ State Dressage Champs last Fall, after I rode into the ring for my First Level Champs class. And it was done very publicly.

She had just warmed me up for about 45 minutes, and the class was very late in the day, on the last day (Sunday) and, I think, the last class of anyone in our group for the weekend. Which meant she would be sticking around to watch my ride, and so would several others in our stable who were already finished with their show. I mean the trailers were nearly all packed at this point.

So anyway, I rode in for my little tour around the outside of the ring prior to when the judge rings the bell to enter. And right away I noticed that the double-judged show featured a large chevy pickup parked at E, about ten feet off the rail, to serve as the judge’s booth.

We had ridden in the same ring the day before, for the Training Level Champs, also with two judges. And my mare was pretty sure there had not been a truck there, then. She was pretty sure there was not SUPPOSED to be a truck there. And I could feel her whole back tensing up and getting ready to dance and leap one way or the other, to convince me to not have to go near the truck.

I was thinking that I had to MAKE her go past the truck at E, no matter how sloppily, and then, I had to get down to the judge at C and ride past there, too, in order to make a full tour of the arena before the bell. And also–particularly–to tell the judge and scribe down there my name and my number.

Bear in mind that this was about my tenth show of my life, and I was of the impression that a dressage rider always A) rides a full warmup/look-around pass around the outside of the ring, and B) always tells the judge at C his name and number.

My trainer guessed exactly what I was thinking, because when I turned around after dancing and shying past that truck, she yelled, and I mean YELLED very loudly,

“MAKE HER GO BACK AND FORTH PAST THERE AGAIN AND AGAIN RIGHT UP UNTIL THEY RING THE BELL!”

I was completely thrown. Firstly she had never, ever yelled at me across the open space in a show setting like that. Not when I was about to go in for my ride. And Second, this idea of schooling back and forth by a scary object, instead of making the prescribed circular tour, was totally new to me.

So I turned over my shoulder, in all of my jacket and boots finery, and I yelled, from horseback,

“BUT I HAVE TO GO DOWN TO THE JUDCE AT C, AND TELL HER WHO I AM!”

And my coach yelled back,

“NO, you don’t. She reads Dressage Today. EVERYONE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!”

---

This was about four months after I’d authored a feature article in the aforesaid magazine’s 2015 baroque issue, about choosing a Lipizzan to purchase and learn on.

In any case it pretty much broke up everyone listening, and it was probably the reddest-faced I’ve ever been upon entering at A. And I never did go past the judge at C before the bell rang. I don’t know whether she heard that, but it was pretty hard for her NOT to have heard it. :eek: :lol:

[OldLadyYoungOTTB]

Our trainer told my son, “Stick your man-boobs out!”

[clanter]

“your daughter rides much better than what you can afford” … and actually both of our daughters were very good equitation riders

[Ceylon_Star]

Little old british lady coach from when i was 10-13 ish: “T and A! Stick out your T and A! You’ve got them, flaunt them!” - trying to teach me and one other girl a year my senior about the “perfect” two point

My english (eventing) coach from 13-24ish: “Sit back. Further. Further. Until you’re laying on his rump. There you go, now you’re in the right spot!”
“He might be a wiener horse, but dangit, you’re going to ride him like he’s a fricking unicorn!” - referring to my lease at the time, who literally looked like the horse equivalent of a dachshund, long back, short legs, chronic back roach. Yep, he was my “dressage horse” for a good year! haha
“He’s just an OTTB, what’s the worst that could happen?” - her trying to get me to try her OTTB when my wiener horse lease got sold out from under me.

Current (western) coach: “I’d whip your rear if I didn’t think you’d enjoy it!” - to another student who just would not make her horse go forward or take instruction.

My western coach also shows minis with her mom. At a mini clinic, the clinician kept telling her to “flick the beans” in regards to flicking her stud’s testicles any time he’d drop. Clinician couldn’t figure out why everyone nearly peed themselves laughing.

[Bluey]

I am 4’11" on tiptoe, look like a ten year old Thelwell type kid, all hat, boots and jacket, not much in the middle.

I had been starting colts for over a decade, already a trainer on my own, riding with this top trainer for a while.
He had some really nice horses, we are at a big show, I get around my jumper class just fine, make it one of five to the jump off.

My trainer is by the gate laughing as I exit and, in front of everyone, he mentions that a really big BNT had asked him seriously “who is that kid, well done, very promising”.
He thought I was a little kid just starting out.:uhoh:
I bought a shorter jacket after that.

I was teased about that the rest of the circuit.

[equisusan]

You need to go straight on the approach to the jump and away from the jump… and I mean heterosexual straight.

[PushersBlue]

At a riding “vacation” that was an intense course of 10 lessons in 4 days…

Former Irish Olympian shouting across the ring as I cantered by on a lovely, but giant Irish Sporthorse:

“Can you hear me?!”

“Yes”

“Not going fast enough then!”

He was right, once I stopped being able to hear him for the wind due to speed, I had achieved his definition of “Working Canter Speed”

[McGurk]

I was taking my first dressage lessons on a correctly schooled horse with a real dressage instructor, and I over asked for everything. While asking for a leg yield, I sent the poor horse careening sideways across the ring.

Instructor: “Ah. Event dressage.”

[Classicgal]

This was my funny mistake, not the trainers. But I rode with a Dutch trainer with an accent. I spent months trying to “be plump” while he was actually saying “be plumb”. Wish I had that problem today, not being plump.

[WasthatC]

Oh, so many…
“He looks dead. He’s a horse carcass.”
“Your posture is great but you look like you have a stick up your butt”
“If you keep shimmying like that I’m going to put tassels on them”
And one of my favorites because she knows it will make me laugh just as I leave warm up for the ring - “don’t f@ck up”

[smoofox]

I had a group lesson with 3 others - two of them were not quite as experienced as they had let on and the instructor was constantly having to review basics and help them. I (and another rider) did not mind… Fine tuning basics is always a good thing!

During some canter work, the instructor was having a terrible time trying to help the basic two learn to follow their horses’ movement with their hands and seat. They were stiff and braced and nothing seemed to help. Suddenly, a light bulb went off in response to one of the riders complaining that she would be stiff for a Very Big Date.

Instructor: Make love to your saddle!!!
Green rider: Ummmm… What!!!
Instructor: Make love to your saddle, go with that movement!!
Greenie: Ooooooooooh! Oooooooooh!

It worked. I almost fell off from trying not to laugh.

Decades later, I was the instructor dealing with a similar problem - but using that metaphor was inappropriate with 15 year olds…

[Foxglove]

I was watching DD work with her trainer. She didn’t have a dressage whip. He called to his wife to get his out of the bedroom.

[Sunsets]

Trainer, yelling to me as mare pops her shoulder and breaks into a fast canter down the long side: “Don’t worry! She’ll get to the fence before you will!”

Dressage clinician: “You paid good money for those riding pants, so SIT on them!!!”

[SBrentnall]

From a trainer reminding me not to hunch:
“Headlights up!”