I have a couple, but truly cant match these stories… priceless 
Many many many years ago a woman friend and I (neither of us particularly gifted in the bust department) were sharing a jump lesson while another (male) rider also was schooling.
Our instructor was struggling to get the two of us to keep our shoulders back, and she finally just yelled “LADIES!!! Knockers UP!!”
Then, seeing the guy leaving she asked “Where’s GuyRider going?” and my friend answered
“Probably to get a microscope.”
“Are you going to Jamba Juice? Can you get me a Mango-a-Go-Go? And can you ask them if they’ll put a shot of vodka in it?”
“I just think of my son’s girlfriend as a very unique mare and then we get along just fine.”
I was walking the Rolex Cross Country with a famous, highly accomplished coach several years ago (I wasn’t riding but had been invited to walk with his clients.) We were walking toward a new complex that was in front of us on a a sweeping down slope gallop. He stopped the group still a good ways from the first element and said, “do not start adjusting your horse here. Wait. The first jump is still 16 strides away and there isn’t a rider competing here this weekend that can ride 16 strides without screwing something up.”
For the record, watching that complex ride a few days later every rider that started adjusting 20 strides out barfed at the jump and sure enough the great riders that weekend waited!
When schooling dressage at a Saddlebred barn where I boarded - late trainer knew enough to comment and could tell I was a former hunter rider, so to get me to tuck my butt under, he helpfully admonished to sit on “the tush, not the bush.” Lol
In my hunter days I leased a horse who would occasionally put in a really big jump. Usually due to too much leg. My trainer took the horse in a class at one show and the horse popped a big one. Trainer came out and said “He jumped so hard my nuts were in my teeth”.
Another time my horse with perfect changes was in need of getting hocks done. After one of the lines, he just wouldn’t change and so I was doing a bunch of moving around trying to make it happen. When I exited the ring same trainer said: “What were you doing, conducting a symphony out there?”
My dressage trainers have been, lets just say, more subdued in their comments
A XC lesson for my husband, he forgot his whip and said he really didn’t need one. Trainer told him.
“Having a whip while jumping is like taking a condom in your wallet when you go out on a date. You might not need it, but by god when you do you’ll be glad to have it.”
Hence now his jumping whips are now called condoms.
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My chestnut thoroughbred was having a moment in a lesson and my trainer yelled over:
“He’s like your boyfriend. He thinks his opinion matters. How cute.”
Urgh. I got the “Use your boobs like HEADLIGHTS!!”
I actually understood this better when I started ballroom dancing and they told me to lift from the sternum. For me that’s effective than telling me to lift my chest (possibly because there’s nothing there).
A former trainer was once gobsmacked by my first pony and I. Headed around the ring she told us, “It’s a miracle you made it round! You’re looking one way, the pony’s looking the other, but nobody’s looking forward; if there was a crime you’d be the oblivious idiots strolling by.”
For a non-equestrian addition, ballroom dance teachers love to embarrass their students. Mine loves to yell at me to be “More sexy. More SEXY!” I am totally clueless and asked him “Where does sexy end and hoochy begin? I think we might have different lines!” There was also the female teacher who told me to clench my butt so tightly I could be a nutcracker…
Another thing riding and ballroom dance have in common.
“Boobies OUT”
I clinic with a BNT a couple times a year. Some of the funnier comments:
“He is a horse, he must work, not run around like a camel”
“Are you the pilot, not the passenger.”
“He must MOVE. Not canter around like his back legs are hobbled together”
After I made a mistake while unloading after trailering to a local state forest, such that horse and I did several miles of trail but not together, back at the barn, trainer beamed at me tolerantly and said, ‘That is what we call a "teachable moment.’"
My dressage instructor was always amazingly positive.
When I had my first lesson with her on my new-at-the-time mare, it was unsurprisingly ugly to watch. Mare had issues, I stayed calm, but this was clearly going to be a long-term project and not an easy fix.
After our abysmal trot work, trainer asked “How’s her canter?”
I replied “Well… I’m confident that I’ll be able to get her stopped again.”
After seeing this mare rush around inverted, tense, and jumping out of her skin, trainer’s proclamation was a very positive “We have a lot of work to do!”
Seeing a ride like that, I’m not sure I could have been nearly so diplomatic. :lol:
[QUOTE=SBrentnall;8819067]
From a trainer reminding me not to hunch:
“Headlights up!”[/QUOTE]
Or as one instructor reminded (with (in)appropriate gestures): “Madonna!! Madonna!!”
Auditing Hilda G. clinic many years ago: “We’re all adults here, ladies. Screw the saddle!!”
Ohhhh! Thought of another one! Took very fancy/very difficult horse to BNT for lesson/advice on marketing him.
Am tacking up in her lovely indoor while horsey is very excited about being in a new place; horsey gets away from me at that critical moment between halter and bridle.
BNT arrives in her ring to observe my saddled loose horse, doing a breathtaking animated trot around her indoor. Her comment?
“Is this your usual warmup?”
[QUOTE=2tempe;8819664]
In my hunter days I leased a horse who would occasionally put in a really big jump. Usually due to too much leg. My trainer took the horse in a class at one show and the horse popped a big one. Trainer came out and said “He jumped so hard my nuts were in my teeth”.
Another time my horse with perfect changes was in need of getting hocks done. After one of the lines, he just wouldn’t change and so I was doing a bunch of moving around trying to make it happen. When I exited the ring same trainer said: “What were you doing, conducting a symphony out there?”
My dressage trainers have been, lets just say, more subdued in their comments[/QUOTE]
I laughed the most at this one!
Of the trainers I’ve had so far…nothing. Not a thing has cracked me up; it’s usually me cracking myself up. Just started with my lovely BO’s mom, who is easy going and good personality, so I think she has a sense of humor…
“Teaching you is like stapling jello to a brick!”
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“Hard to see on a galloping horse.”
My dressage trainer on wrinkled coats, slobbered on white breeches or days I had to put braids in a moving target and they were less than perfect.
Schooling canter pirouettes with elderly gentleman trainer:
“And now come in, yes, smaller, and now the pirouette the size of a saucer.”
“NOT A FLYING SAUCER!!!”
(Saucer, as in, fancy dishware.)
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I completely blew a distance in a lesson and said “Jesus Christ!” in the process of getting over the fence. My trainer answered " Not even Jesus could have helped you with that one."
