Starting Horse at Boarding Barn. Railbirds

[pryme_thyme]

Happy new year everyone!

I am curious to know how many of you have or do start their horses under saddle while boarding?

For those that do, do you find the fellow boarders/trainers on site like to voice their own ideas on how things should be done?

How do you handle the pushy ones politely without coming off…. As rude or snobby?

In this day and age, people take offence so easily and while I absolutely love and appreciate hearing ideas and having discussion over theories some people have a tough time actually ‘discussing’. Mind you, I’m definitely not set in stone and I am open to ideas but I’ve trained young horses for 20 years and find a classical dressage foundation that builds and connects mentally for the horse to work better for me in the long run than ‘cues’ per say.

I feel a bit stuck in the middle treading the line of polite and kind, (and not getting my point across) and getting a little more firm and coming off as THAT boarder. Ugh .

Other than riding every day before the wake of dawn and avoiding those people, what’s the nicest and clearest way to say ‘thanks but no thanks’?

[Arlomine]

One way to deal with this, as a “first strike”, before getting blunt:

A) Assuming you are working with the horse in question, and somebody starts talking at you:
“ Hey, I’m sorry but I need to focus completely on what I’m doing right now, and I cannot talk or listen to anyone but my horse”. Then move further away and ignore. no reaction or discussion, do not engage. If they persist, for sure move to Part B

B) Then you can choose to approach the person when you’re not working your horse and follow up with: “I understand that there are many roads to Rome, but I have a plan I’m comfortable with, and I will let you know if I desire outside opinions or advise”.

[trubandloki]

I think the answer to the question depends on what the ‘rail birds’ are doing.

Are they asking questions because they are truly curious about your horse and starting a horse and - wow, this is so cool, I have never seen this done before?
Or are they tossing out that your way is not as right as their way?

The first I would explain that you need to concentrate when working with Dobbin but will gladly answer their questions later if they want.
The second, I think the easiest answer is to simply say once that you appreciate other ideas but you have a system and then make a gesture of putting your ear buds back in (even if you are not wearing any) and then just ignore them.

[pryme_thyme]

Oh this is a great suggestion, thank you!

I feel brutal saying any persons way isn’t my way in fear they will think I am judging and being snooty. The two step is a wicked suggestion. Slight escalation but trying to sidestep any animosity.

[pryme_thyme]

Earbuds!!! This is brilliant! I actually just picked up a pair of wireless. Love this!!! Much appreciated.

Not saying anything is wrong, (staying neutral), but it is more of a ‘this is the quicker way to achieve what your doing’.

For example, one of the big name brand trainers suggestions is see-sawing to distract from spooks, get the head down and soften. I can see why it works but….
With babies I have a step process with under saddle after ground work, continuing on what we have learned on the ground and driving. Achieve acceptance, let them know what’s expected, reward, keep the calm, get the forward, don’t worry about the head or spooks etc, keep it simple/short, reward. Eventually scaling up the ‘pyramid’ using the forward to engage hind leg which naturally rounds the back with the energy and the head drops from spinal shape. Yes, the way I do it takes time and for awhile we aren’t a pretty sight to watch

I want to stay being known as a nice, friendly person but it can be tough to get something across these days and keep that.

Really appreciate the ideas here. I like the gentle approach.

[pryme_thyme]

I should note, it is to the point this person comes into the ring and follows while saying what I should be doing.

[Scribbler]

So this is not about training a horse or rail birds. This is about having boundaries and self possession and not feeling like you exist to please every single person in your orbit. What would you do at work if someone that didn’t know your job was giving dumb suggestions?

1. Don’t deliberately engage with anyone whose opinions you don’t seek and value. In other words, only talk about training to your trainer. Don’t inadvertently solicit training advice from random ammies by rolling your eyes, making poor me jokes, asking rhetorical questions, or doing anything that makes it seem like you are afraid uncertain or at wits end. Aldo don’t talk about your techniques. Just shut all that down for chitchat. Talk about the weather instead.

2. Identify who is really irritating you. I expect you have one or two really obnoxious folks who don’t have boundaries or manners and you may have a pre existing pattern of deferring to their stupid comments on everything. Come up with a pre determined tactic to deflect and not engage. In the arena as noted above just stay super focused on your horse, and if they approach you say you need to focus. Don’t take chitchat breaks in their vicinity.

3. In the barn, don’t stop to talk to the key problem people. Just breeze by with an “it’s all good” kind of comment.

[pryme_thyme]

Actually this is a great point!

I hadn’t actually thought about it like that, thank you!

From a work perspective, I would deflect and change the subject. Though, I’m pretty sure I’d come across as unfriendly despite not wanting to.

Some people can be very passionate, especially some horse people. Tougher than work…

[Scribbler]

Ok reading more. So you have a crap “trainer” with terrible training methods that is invading your space. What’s your history here? Did you formerly pay this person for advice? Do they want you as a client? Most professional trainers will avoid trying to advise anyone that isn’t actually paying them so righht off the bat this unsolicited advice is a red flag to unprofessional borderline hostile behavior.

What power does this asshat have in your barn structure? “I’m doing a different system. If you are curious I can email you some links to the system I’m following. But I can’t discuss it now because I need to focus on the horse.”

[pryme_thyme]

I am the newbie at this barn. Moved up North so time constraints meant moving. I love the barn and most people are incredible. The people in question ride with the same trainer who is very well known and thought of, they are all leading with kindness I feel not being catty. Simply different methods and invading my bubble.

I’ve never met this trainer and have a few of my owner who unfortunately won’t travel with covid, lending to remote lessons thanks to Pivo.

I’d like to stay in everyone’s good books and not offend.

(I do tend to have an edge even when I gently tried to discuss, never intentionally, just my tone I think. I really appreciate all the different approaches)

[Scribbler]

Being thought of as a nice friendly person is a terrible life goal. What happens is everyone ends up thinking of you as a pushover until they start thinking you are passive aggressive.

Much better to be that rather confident breezy person with a good heart but who says what they think and feel, isn’t ever deliberately mean, but who no one would think of pushing around. Those are the folks people actually like and respect.

Friendly doesn’t mean being a doormat or wiffly waffly or people pleasing.

You can discipline a horse. People is the same. Don’t reward the behavior you don’t want.

It’s also possible your crap trainer is a bit craycray.

[pryme_thyme]

Thanks Scribbler and all! This is really helpful, this is why I Love this group. Amazing to have different perspectives to help in knowing the right pathway over wondering if I am being a little too much.

[Scribbler]

My self board club barn has multiple low level in house coaches, and a mix of riders from pro to accomplished ammie to beginner. Mixed disciplines and definitely cliques or affinity groups in terms of riding and training goals. A couple of higher level visiting coaches.

Yes we all roll our eyes at what other people are doing but we tend to keep our mouths shut unless we are asked for advice or its an emergency. The various coaches don’t give out free advice to other people’s clients.

To me being followed by a coach you aren’t paying who is giving bad advice is unusual and would be very annoying, but in our barn it would bbe enough out of the ordinary that I think a rider could shut it down.

It’s not normal behavior if you aren’t paying the coach.

[foursocks]

I have been in your position and it’s VERY annoying. What I find works well is to just say “Thanks!” with a big smile and then I keep doing what I am doing.

If you don’t engage eventually you will probably get rid of them, but even if they keep sticking around you can just politely ignore them after you have thanked them for their unsolicited advice. Wearing earbuds will help!

[OfCourseItsAnAlter]

I think this is an example of a larger issue that I see often here on COTH. So many people in the horse world, even “experts,” have very small, limited spheres of experience. They truly believe that the way they know is The Only Way and genuinely freak out a little bit when they see people doing something different because “OMG You’re Going to Ruin Your Poor Horse.”

And honestly, I’m not sure that there is a way to deal with those folks without getting pretty firm. You have to consistently shut down, deflect, and, if necessary, insist, in a firm and unemotional manner, that they cease and desist all efforts to “help” you. They truly believe that you and your horse need their help.

[pryme_thyme]

I think it is a matter of different disciplines and ideas initially and the trainer kept saying, “I just love helping” and he is so nice which made me feel worse about trying to ignore and move on

I have to agree, being persistent about ignoring and continuing what your doing will likely be one of the best methods.

So tough, some people are just so lonely with the lack of social lately so on one hand I get it but it’s weird.

[pryme_thyme]

Hahaha! Exactly!

I never want someone to feel badly just because I have a different opinion.

I do wonder as well if the opinions may be brought on because not everyone has started and trained a truly baby horse over a broke but green one?

I had thought of setting up the PIVO and pretending I’m having a remote lesson too.

[OfCourseItsAnAlter]

@Scribbler

Being thought of as a nice friendly person is a terrible life goal.

One time a friend told me I was a nice person. I surprised him by saying no, actually I’m not. He thought about it for a moment and said, you know, you’re right. You’re not nice. You’re unfailingly polite and you’re always fair, which people mistake for nice.

[Scribbler]

Oh OK. Yiu have moved into a barn with one main trainer who assumes you need to get into the program, but your training goals don’t align with them. The coach is trying to bully you into becoming a client. That’s really different from rail birds.

You need to make it clear you are following your own program. Drop a few trainet names and tell coach to look them up on YouTube. If it ends up being a real mismatch with the barn culture you may end up needing to move eventually.

My coach is in the Legerete program, and all the crank and spur sidereins seesaw coaches at our barn probably look at us and roll their eyes, but they don’t interfere because we are on another planet. Throwing the Legerete franchise at bad coaches shuts them up in part because they think you are crazy and lost to them. Clicker training has a similar effect.

If you can concoct somethung that makes it clear you have prior commitment elsewhere they may give up trying to get you on board.

[pryme_thyme]

I was afraid of this too. In my work life, this tends to be the only way to handle different folks. Most end up thinking I’m a bit of a ‘word’ by my deflection.

It would be nice to keep a different ‘face’ in the barn.

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words