Telling trainer I’m leaving

[Loudlaugh12]

Well I was a little underprepared (I guess) for the grilling I was going to get from the barn busy body boarder (there’s some alliteration for ya!). Apparently news travels fast. Where are you going?? Who is new trainer?? Where is her farm?? When is horsie leaving??

I gave a name of a barn I was strongly considering (they are family friends of mine—good option but a little too far from ideal area) just because I felt like I had no obligation to tell BBBB exact details. I had told trainer a much more vague version, and know that BBBB would rely any info to trainer so went this route. People. Sigh.

[foggythistle]

There’s still time for drama [she says with tongue firmly planted in cheek] After all, you’re still there!

[tikihorse2]

@TheJenners

We are used to disappointment! I mean look at what happened with the Crayola Trainer thread, which I’m still sad-mad about

Agreed. One of the most frustrating threads ever. I want to know what happened.

[tikihorse2]

When it comes to crazy trainers and crazy people in general, boring is good! Very, very good!

I’m glad everything went well for you and I hope things continue to be boring.

[Loudlaugh12]

I can’t find that thread!! Any link??

[Jenerationx]

Oh it’s a doozy… but worth the read if you’re into the truly bat guano crazy. Here’s a link. Pack a lunch and an adult beverage or two.

Help Plz. Tact or Education Needed. [a short novel]

I trained H/J for over ten years and I’ve been riding for well over twenty years. I don’t train anymore, haven’t for the last two years and now I don’t have the space. However when I did train, I sure didn’t take every horse that came in right back to square one and treat it like it was a wet stick of dynamite. Yet, I’ve now gone through not one, but TWO trainers that have done this. I’ll spare you trainer #1. Although it was a different horse, it was pretty much the same drill. This is trainer #…

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

In all seriousness, although I’m glad the exchange wasn’t too uncomfortable for the OP, it’s not totally surprising, since I’ve often found that’s how toxic trainers stay in business, sometimes for decades. They can keep the crazy in for the first month and a half of knowing someone, and can back off when it’s obvious they’ve squeezed someone’s patience completely dry.

[trubandloki]

An answer option for BBBB and the like is to say nothing while passing along a reason for not saying anything (because truly, it is none of their business and they only want to know to use the information, maybe against you).

Oh BBBB, you would not believe how stressful this whole moving thing is for me, I don’t want to ruin by fun barn time by thinking about it. I am sure you understand.

And then turn and go back to grooming your horse.

[tikihorse2]

@Impractical_Horsewoman

In all seriousness, although I’m glad the exchange wasn’t too uncomfortable for the OP, it’s not totally surprising, since I’ve often found that’s how toxic trainers stay in business, sometimes for decades. They can keep the crazy in for the first month and a half of knowing someone, and can back off when it’s obvious they’ve squeezed someone’s patience completely dry.

Not to mention their checkbook. Ask me how I know this.

[RedHorses]

I’d be stonewalling BBBB too. I know as females we have been conditioned to be polite by our society even when it’s really the other person being rude but you don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to! If you feel obligated to be polite and answer you could give the vaguest, most blatantly obvious answers. Where - out of state. When - August. Who - someone else. Etc.

Ooo! You could make up some fabulous fantasy and feed that to BBBB! Then see how far the story goes before you leave.

[saddleup]

The best reply ever I learned on this board. When someone asks an intrusive or rude question, turn it back on them and ask “why do you ask?”

It’s amazing. I’ve had someone pause and say “just curious, I guess”. I just shrugged and changed the subject. That shut it down right there.

Someone else asked a question I didn’t want to answer, and when I asked why they turned bright red and said “oh, just forget about it” and stomped off. Oh well.

Just because they ask doesn’t mean we have to answer. Took me years to figure that one out.

[Jarpur]

I learned a good reply to intrusive questions from a manager of mine a long time ago; she was still in her twenties and had known a couple other employees, in a different department, since she was a young girl.

After she married, these people felt entitled to inquire about when she planned on starting a family, when was she going to get pregnant, etc. Her response was to calmly ask “When do you need to know?”

Ha ha ha . What could someone possible say in return, lol?

[Loudlaugh12]

Things have descended into some weirdness. This is like living with an ex after a breakup. I’m weird around trainer—I normally would chat, offer to help, etc. But I now just can’t bring myself to engage. I’m friendly and more than civil. But the broken friendship does hurt. I’m mourning that too, in many ways. It feels like time is not budging.

[EmilyM]

i’m hoping this gets easier for you. trainer/client relationships can get so bad they border on abusive relationships. It’s so darn strange.

[Loudlaugh12]

Yeah especially since as an adult it’s hard to make friends. So I value friendships and did my very best to keep boundaries between the financial aspects of this business and the friendship. Granted, I think this person would be a crappy friend even if she wasn’t trainer but the intersect between those areas sucks.

[Scribbler]

But from what you have said she was never your friend. She was toxic and controlling.

You might be mourning the loss of your fantasy of how it could or should have been. You may feel guilty or inadequate that you are unable to make this person into the person you imagined them to potentially be. These feelings are very common in relationship break ups.

But there was no genuine friendship there to miss.

[trubandloki]

@Scribbler

But there was no genuine friendship there to miss.

I do not see how this makes it any less hard for the OP.

It was not a fantasy to the OP. The OP thought she had a friend. Yes, she has since learned that she (the OP) was a good friend and the trainer was not a friend at all, but that does not make this any less hard.

[ayrabz]

can you do without a ‘trainer’ for awhile? in your move, maybe just spend more ride time and reconnection with your horse, gaining confidence in your own decisions, possibly attending varied clinics, lessons etc? KEY BEING VARIED im sorry, i dont (and never have) understood the MUST HAVE a trainer thing – sounds this type of relationship has cost you so much. Even to the extent of therapy and relinquishing control and being worried to stand up for your concerns and desires for your $$ and enjoyment with your own horse. I say take a break and gain your strength back not to be so totally dependant again

[peedin]

Honestly, this is a great lesson to others. Do not become dependent on your trainer. You need to be the owner of your horse and deal with the vet, farrier, etc. Why do people even get horses if they foist off the day to day work?

OP, you are moving out of state. I echo the sentiments to put on your big girl pants, thank the trainer, and leave. Give the trainer the same notice that you give the BO/BM. Plan to take care of your horse until you move. Your horse doesn’t need 3-4 training rides a week. You don’t need more than one lesson. Learn to become independent, and develop a bond with your horse. Stop being a walking checkbook. Learn to talk to the vet and the farrier. This will come in handy when you move to your new state.

[peedin]

Missed the edit window. When she gets snarky (and you know she will), say nothing. NOTHING. Smile and walk away.