Telling trainer I’m leaving

[Loudlaugh12]

Well, I called her and told her last night. Was very straightforward about needing to move, said it was a tough decision (it was not), and that I would tell her definitive date horse will be leaving once I know from new farm.

Her response was okay, albeit predictable. Lots and lots of projection (she said she has noticed how “really unhappy I’ve been with life here lately”; when in reality her misery has made me miserable) and some blame over choices I’ve made with horse lately. But . I’m glad that moment is over. I’m sure the next month will include more barbs, but I figured that I stood the best chance of less crap tossed my way if I was businesslike and pleasant and gave adequate notice than waiting two more weeks. Toss up either way, maybe, but it’s done!

[Knights_Mom]

Barb back with a smile.

“I’m very excited with the move, the folks seem so professional there”.

“This new place is known to be top notch with care for both the horse AND the rider. Wish me luck!”

“I can’t wait to get settled in!”

“You should see how absolutely gorgeous the new place is!”

I could go on all day. Because been there, done that.

[Loudlaugh12]

My therapist told me to be a “gray rock.” Which is exactly what it sounds like. She antagonizes? Gray rock in response. Bland, non-emotional, nothing for trainer to feed off of.

[Knights_Mom]

That’s a strategy to use for malignant narcissists. In this situation no matter how she leaves she is getting bad mouthed. Might as well sink a few in.

[trubandloki]

It sounds like you have a great plan!

So glad that step is over with.

Be sure to follow it up with something in writing so she can not claim that you did not tell her.

A simple text will do - Hey Trainer, just a follow up text regarding our phone call last night. I will let you know our final move out date when I get it.

[Scribbler]

Yup. Just be bland and cut off conversation as soon as politely possible. Grey Rock is a great term that I only learned last year but have been doing since I was about 13. It’s the only way to deal with these types. They are acting from emotion and adept at emotional manipulation so you cant respond with facts or logic or even anger. Just deprive them of the kick from manipulating you.

Edited to add: I think a malignant narcissist of some flavor is what she’s dealing with. They don’t really get barbs.

[Knights_Mom]

Barbs are to make her feel better.

[Scribbler]

Yeah. But barbs require emotional investment on the OPs side. And they give the other person something to grab onto. I mean barb ahead if you want. But my guess is that in this very unequal relationship the OP is better off just disengaging. If you barb at a true narcissist they will just milk that later to undermine you . Less said about the new venue the better.

[Loudlaugh12]

Oh you have NO idea how much I want her to know just how much her behavior contributed to my decision to leave. She could have kept an honest, decent, well-paying client indefinitely (or at least for a while as hubby does want to be closer to his family). But that won’t benefit me to spell that all out for her. So laying low for next month is way to go.

[Loudlaugh12]

I also realized this is a bit anti-climatic for those who were anticipating truly crazy . But this thread was enormously supportive up to this point!

[Gardenhorse]

Great job! I know it was hard, but sounds like you kept it really even-keeled and didn’t let her get to you! Now you just have to keep that up for another month… But just remember that you’re moving on to a better situation and this will all be behind you soon.

[TheJenners]

We are used to disappointment! I mean look at what happened with the Crayola Trainer thread, which I’m still sad-mad about

[trubandloki]

I personally like this type of disappointment! In a situation like this, a boring update is exactly what is needed!

You’ve so got this. Keep looking forward. Before you know it you can breath and move on with life.

[WildLittleWren]

This is the outcome we all wish for others when we offer advice. Quite a few of us (if not most of us) have been through a totally BSC situation in the horse world especially when giving notice at a barn. The whole point is for us to hopefully offer some sort of advice that helps you avoid that same BSC experience! Cheers and here is to hoping the new place is a fabulous fit for you!

[Loudlaugh12]

Well I was a little underprepared (I guess) for the grilling I was going to get from the barn busy body boarder (there’s some alliteration for ya!). Apparently news travels fast. Where are you going?? Who is new trainer?? Where is her farm?? When is horsie leaving??

I gave a name of a barn I was strongly considering (they are family friends of mine—good option but a little too far from ideal area) just because I felt like I had no obligation to tell BBBB exact details. I had told trainer a much more vague version, and know that BBBB would rely any info to trainer so went this route. People. Sigh.

[foggythistle]

There’s still time for drama [she says with tongue firmly planted in cheek] After all, you’re still there!

[tikihorse2]

@TheJenners

We are used to disappointment! I mean look at what happened with the Crayola Trainer thread, which I’m still sad-mad about

Agreed. One of the most frustrating threads ever. I want to know what happened.

[tikihorse2]

When it comes to crazy trainers and crazy people in general, boring is good! Very, very good!

I’m glad everything went well for you and I hope things continue to be boring.

[Loudlaugh12]

I can’t find that thread!! Any link??

[Jenerationx]

Oh it’s a doozy… but worth the read if you’re into the truly bat guano crazy. Here’s a link. Pack a lunch and an adult beverage or two.

Help Plz. Tact or Education Needed. [a short novel]

I trained H/J for over ten years and I’ve been riding for well over twenty years. I don’t train anymore, haven’t for the last two years and now I don’t have the space. However when I did train, I sure didn’t take every horse that came in right back to square one and treat it like it was a wet stick of dynamite. Yet, I’ve now gone through not one, but TWO trainers that have done this. I’ll spare you trainer #1. Although it was a different horse, it was pretty much the same drill. This is trainer #…