THIS!
I made nearly the same mistakes with my 1st horse & B-word trainer over 30yrs ago.
Luckily, my trainer/friend (who had preceded B-word) came back into the picture.
I have never forgotten his good advice or the lessons learned from enabling the other.
Wishing you & your horse the same going forward.
I just went through something similar and I totally get the stress! It was so much easier once I gave notice and I’m much happier since moving.
Sigh I made this mistake with my first fiance.
There are givers and takers in this world.
A giver MUST end up with a giver. Otherwise the taker just takes and takes and takes and takes, until the giver has nothing left to give.
I’m not sure what your tack/equipment storage situation is in your current barn, but if you keep lots of items at your barn you might want to start taking things home, inconspicuously. It will make the final exit a lot easier if you don’t have a lot of stuff to haul off at once.
You are a grown up with a grown up job. Treat this no differently than a work situation. Politely and firmly. Then don’t look back. Moving is hard but you will be shocked how much better your horse life will quickly become in a new situation. You got this.
Thanks!!!
Right now I’m just waiting to hear back from new trainer about date I can move horse in August. I know they have a stall for me so going there is a certainty but I feel like I won’t relax until they can give me a date (I guess she needs to talk with BO about logistics first). I’m trying to be patient and remember that what feels like my urgent situation is not their urgent situation.
What’s also making me anxious is that I can’t figure out living situation without firm date and I had visited two other barns that would be backups and haven’t yet gotten back fo them in two weeks because I’m waiting for definite date from preferred barn.
Okay so I talked to new barn and can move horse toward end of Aug (still need firm date but that depends on someone else’s definitive date for leaving that barn). But at least it’s a go!
But with giving 30-notice, this means:
1). I tell trainer at end of this month and tolerate whatever comes my way between then and Aug.
2). I wait and am then on the hook for Sept board, which I’d rather not do.
I’m leaning toward option one.
Unless you have reason to fear that the horse will be mistreated, not be fed, etc., there is no reason to delay notice and have to pay the additional cost. From what you’ve written it does not sound like that kind of situation.
If you “just” don’t get all your training rides or get ignored in your final lessons, well… that is unprofessional but not a health and safety concern.
I agree with @wsmoak.
This trainer likes this horse, they are going to feed it. Just give notice and be the nicest person you have ever been. If your lessons suck, smile and say inside how happy you are that you are leaving.
Right. She will not mistreat horse. A lot of our tension has resulted from her being ridiculously (and unnecessarily) overprotective and controlling over horse.
There are definitely a lot of feelings here, but I would just tell her immediately that it’s a logistical issue. You are leaving the state and you need to move. Keep everything else to yourself and vent to a friend.
What is the worst that could happen? Do you think she is going to try to claim the horse isn’t yours, or try to guilt trip you into letting the horse remain with her and pay full board and training so you can let her ride it? If that’s the case, then she’s indeed one loop short of a bowl of fruity cereal!
You do have proof of ownership (bill of sale etc.) for the horse?
Only you can gauge the trainers reaction but if you think there is even the slightest chance she will go cra-cra then you need to decide what your best option is. While you need to give the barn 30 day notice that doesn’t necessarily mean the trainer too, unless you think the BO/BM will tell the trainer. How do you think the trainer will react? Any chance she will claim the horse is still her’s, do something to prevent you from moving it?
I have bill of sale for horse and complete bank record of every cent paid for horse (she let me pay in installments). I’m also listed as owner on everything (vet, his microchip, insurance, etc). She wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if she was crazy enough to challenge that.
Oh and trainer is BO.
Quietly find a local bolt hole possibility, even if it means putting your horse on a field for 3 weeks. If BO loses her mind move the horse out. If BO is merely passive aggressive, just keep horse at barn hack out and don’t do lessons for the month “because you are so busy packing.”
You don’t have to give a move out date when you give your 30days notice. If you’re paying out August as your notice period then as long as you’re out on or before August 31st you’re fine. You can let her know a day before or even the day of moving that horse is leaving tomorrow/today.
I agree with Red Horse. The only information your trainer / owner need know is when the vet is coming for the Health Certificate / Coggins, when the farrier might come and what lessons, if any , you wish to book.
You are moving away, there is nothing in that that smacks the trainer. Certainly where I live "out of state means over 200 miles, other areas of the country it may mean 10 miles. No matter, you are free to move about and you owe this person nothing more that a friendly end to the business transaction you have really been in.
Going forward you are now aware of some of the toxic dependencies trainer build up, often to earn more money, and not fall prey to that again.
I had a friend that had a trainer that was about 2.5 hours away. She had one horse with her and would drive over once a month to take a lesson. She thought this woman was her friend and loaned her her horse trailer to store furniture when she was moving her home, trailered her tractor down there and did free tractor work for her, really bent over backwards for the trainer. She truly thought she was a friend and I tried to tell her that you’re her client and she’s not a friend and is taking advantage of you. At some point she stopped going down there and removed her horse. Of course she never heard from the trainer again but they were such good friends (sarcasm).
People who don’t put business deals into writing will feel more empowered to take things that don’t belong to them when they feel wronged. “After all I’ve done for so and so…” Take your stuff home while you still have it. Especially if there is a clan of mean girls on her side.
Whew! I’m so glad happy for you that you have a built-in excuse (moving out of state) to get out of this toxic barn! I seriously was actually grinding my teeth and getting a stomachache reading this thread; it could’ve been about me and the place where I last had my horse before moving him to our current barn.
BO/trainer were one and the same. She was very possessive of my horse, threw up every roadblock she could think of to make it difficult for me to come out and ride whenever I wanted, told me my horse was “too much for [me]” even though she assisted in finding him for me, all sorts of BS. She wouldn’t even let me use the halter I bought especially for him! She helped herself to my supplies for other boarders, let other people use my tack but not clean it, etc., etc.
Of course, I came to find out that her “training rides” that I was being charged for weren’t that at all, but people riding my horse in lessons she was making a profit on. My horse was being jumped 3’ regularly, but I hardly got to ride him myself.
When I finally put on my big girl panties and moved him, she would barely speak to me. Acted as if I were trying to pull a fast one and demanded the last month’s board check “before the horse leaves this property!” as if I were a deadbeat. Wouldn’t let me take MY lead shank-- “that lead shank is the BARN’S PROPERTY!”
I thank God every day I’m out of there.
You’re not alone, girlfriend!
A talk 30 days prior to leaving. Ask for her advice if you want. Leave the better person on good terms. I’d write a nice ty note and give her a bottle of her favorite wine or something similar.
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