Terrified of putting my horse down- She's gone

[InconsolableSap]

I’m using an alias for anonymity, but have been a member for years.

I’ve had my accident-prone mare for 10 years. The last 4 have been mostly a stream of vet bills and supportive therapies for various chronic issues/injuries/health problems while putting riding on hold. It’s been wearing emotionally and financially, and DH has been supportive, but is also exhausted from watching me be miserable over a horse who requires vast sums of money and time but can’t be enjoyed. Even in retirement, she averages about one vet call per month for a random injury or other problem. But she’s the first (and only) horse I’ve owned, as I had leased prior, and she and I have been through some stuff together.

We recently had yet another serious and bizarre injury requiring intense vet care, and we’re having a hard time defeating an infection that has since sprung up. More vet visits, more testing, and more meds will likely be needed. But even if we prevail, it’s only a matter of time before the next event in her varied myriad of medical issues.

I’ve known for a while that the sanest thing to do is to put her down, but I am absolutely terrified of the emotional wreckage and guilt I will have to work through. In a dire situation, I could do it, but I don’t know how I’d live with myself otherwise since she’s been my friend for so long. She’s not particularly unhappy right now, though she’s getting there due to extended stall rest and associated discomfort. She’s only 14.

I am a huge proponent of “better a week too soon than a day too late,” and am able to abide by that with all of my animals expect this horse. I know that even if I get her through this episode, there will be another and another after that and someday no amount of money and effort will be able to help and I’ll end her life while she’s in acute distress-- but somehow that seems easier… on me. Which is actually as selfish as I feel about putting her down now. I know this is immature, but I can’t help myself.

So I offer this to the internet. Please send help.

[alibi_18]

Do what you need to do.

Do what you feel is right for your situation

It is never easy.

Lots of virtual hugs.

She’ll be better up there.

[Magicboy]

You have to find it in yourself to do right by this animal. You are her protector and will have to make the de idiot regarding what’s the best for the mare

[Magicboy]

Decision is, of course, what I meant

[Sistersiouxz]

The sanest thing to do is not put her to sleep unless you cannot afford to keep her comfortable OR if you no longer have the mental peace to continue watching these injury/illness epsoides. If your mare is reasonably comfortable and you truly have a bond, you don’t need to “use” her to enjoy her. A lot of people don’t understand this and think we horse people are a little nuts for putting money into situations that seem to them to offer no real benefit to us. But we know different, don’t we?!!

[HungarianHippo]

no matter what it’s going to suck. Just make the appointment, commit to spoiling her rotten for a few days, and you will find peace. Nothing anyone says here can take away the pain you’ll feel, but best we can do is say yup, been there, it sucks but will get better.

[Casey09]

To me, it sounds like there really is not a “wrong” answer in this case. If you want to try to get her through this infection, it sounds like she has veterinary care now and will have at least euthanasia care in the future. If you choose to euthanize her, it sounds like you will have it done in a humane way.
In the end, it doesn’t sound like an urgent situation right now and it is something that you can think through. It is always very hard. I went through something somewhat similar in a horse I had. In the end the decision was made for me, and for me I was glad that I KNEW when he was euthanized that there was no other choice. I had a dog that I loved dearly that had cancer, and in her case I probably could have done palliative care for longer than I did, but I felt her quality of life was gone and that she was in pain and unhappy and had her euthanized. I’m truly at peace in both cases, and they were very different situations. I think that you have to carefully think it through and realize that whatever you do, she is a lucky horse to have someone who loves her so much and you are lucky to have had her.

[RedHorses]

I think the most difficult part of putting my second horse down was the feeling that he/we had been cheated. He was 18, had retired from jumping at 11, and all but hacking lightly at 12. My first horse was 26 when I had him euthanized. Somehow I knew, when he wss 15, after a visit to the vet, that horse #2 wouldn’t see his 20th birthday, but it was still hard and the lost experiences were mourned as well.

(((Hugs)))

[Edre]

I’m sorry. I wish the internet could send help. I think all that it can do is offer support, understanding, and love.

It’s a terrible position to be in, and I’m so sorry you’re having to navigate it. No one can make this decision for you, but based off your post I think it’s fair to say that at this point, whatever decision you make will be the right one. It’s not helpful, I know…

If it’s not a financial strain or an emotional burden you can’t navigate to continue putting resources into the mare (and what you do for her keeps her comfortable enough to have a decent quality of life) then I don’t think it’s wrong to keep going. Maybe look at your finances & speak with your DH and see if you can come up with some kind of a “price cap”. There’s no price tag that we can put on the feelings we have for our horses, but sometimes it might be beneficial to say “if a vet situation comes up that will meet or exceed X amount, then we will look at having her PTS instead.” It’s not a cop-out, and it’s not a betrayal. The horrible reality is, of course, that finances are a limiting factor to what we do with horses. It’s not cold or unfeeling to take them into consideration.

Now, that said, if you look at what resources you’re putting into the situation now (financially, emotionally, time wise) and go “this is an untenable situation” even if she has a decent quality of life/has prospects for some long-term quality even with a slow downhill progression or the potential of other injuries, then I also don’t think it’s wrong to make the decision that you can’t continue in this situation as-is, and that she should be euthanized. It’s clear you’ve put a lot of time, love, and money into this mare. You talk about diagnoses and treatments and it’s very evident that you haven’t cheated her out of quality care, attention, or chances.

No decision here is easy. I guess the only thing I can say from my own experience is that…make the decision that you’ll be least ashamed of in five, ten, or twenty years. It may take some time to reason through (look at how you’re feeling/thinking - identify what’s your emotional train of thought, and then what’s your logical train of thought) and it’s fine if it takes time. It’s also fine if you say “Well for now, we’ll go with X plan but we’ll re-assess frequently as necessary.”

I’m so very sorry. Hugs to you. No time we have with them will ever be enough, but 10 years seems especially, unfairly short, particularly given her age.

[katenreno]

I am so sorry. Know that nothing said here ever takes the pain away, but speaking from experience, it CAN give you strength, no matter which path you choose. 1.5 years ago, I too was at a crossroads. I had a young, beautiful horse with what felt like her entire life ahead. But between her injury and her refusal to cooperate with stall rest, we went through 8 months of 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I was at my wits-end, and emotionally and financially tapped. I turned to this board in hope of support or advice, as a fairly new member, fully expecting to be read the riot act, or at least admonished for making a selfish decision. Instead, I found that this community of strangers was comprised of the most caring and understanding people I ever could have hoped for. Some of the words spoken to me on this board by people I’ve never met helped me more than words from my closest friends and family. When I’m struggling with her loss, I go back and re-read the thread. It oddly comforts me, because that feeling of being robbed of our future together never goes away.

Whatever you decide, people here will support you; take comfort in their words. There is no wrong choice for you, only what feels best for your situation. You are in my thoughts, and sending many virtual hugs.

[Sistersiouxz]

There are so many good responses here. I reread your letter and am hearing that perhaps you are nearing your emotional overload with worry for her. I had an acquaintance who was married to her soulmate. She got her first cancer about the age of 30. She fought and won. Richard was by her side constantly. She fought another round about 5 years later and won. She ultimately fought 4 more cancers over less than 10 years time. Richard did everything he could to help her. The last time I saw her, she looked so beautiful and healthy but in our short conversation, she dropped a bomb. Richard had left her a year earlier after helping her win a battle with yet another cancer and she now was fighting brain cancer. I tried to understand his actions…how could he do this!!! She said he was emotionally spent. Did she blame him? No. She said Richard loved her so much, he just couldn’t do it anymore, wondering if she would be alive that year or the next. He just couldn’t take it anymore. You may be at that point regarding your mare. Her history of being healthy is not promising. It appears that you have tried to take each day at a time, but it just isn’t working anymore for your sanity and peace of mind. I have put many pets and horses to sleep. For some, it was the only answer, others, later left me wondering if I could have done more. BUT, I do know that at the time, I had done all I could.
Listen to the wonderful advise on this thread, make that decision or continue as you have and know that your husband and friends and hopefully prayer, will help you endure.
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[paintedpony]

I too struggled with making a decision for one of our horses. I felt there was some quality of life remaining, and was unwilling to let go of her. It was not until afterwards that I was sure I had made the correct decision. I experienced an overwhelming sense of relief. My sense is that you will experience the same relief/release that I did.

[Bluey]

Your veterinarians should be able to help you make whatever decisions need to be made all along.

If they think it is time, if you feel it is time, then you need to consider the horse is there and, well, it is time.

It will be extremely hard, but it won’t be easier later either and may be worse if your horse ends up in a bad crisis situation where it suffers unnecessarily.

We made the necessary decision when our old horse could not get up and down or stand for the farrier on three legs any more, before he fell down and suffered and it was the right decision.
There comes that time where quality of life and consequences of the situation are made worse by waiting.
Been there also, hope never again wait so long a horse’s quality of life may have suffered unnecessarily for it.

If you don’t know, let your vet help you make whatever decisions your situation brings all along.
It is going to be hard to live with your decisions, but that comes with being the caretaker of our animals.

[IronwoodFarm]

I agree with Bluey about asking your vet. My old mare had chronic arthritis and was pasture sound on Previcox. But that was not a cure for the arthritis and her knees were getting worse and worse over the years. One day, while at my farm on another appointment, he saw her and told me he thought I should put her down soon. It was not what I wanted to hear, but I also knew if the mare slipped and went down in the winter, it was going to become a serious emergency. So I scheduled an appointment in the late fall, had the backhoe man dig the hole and had my vet do the deed.

It was very easy on her. She never knew what hit her. And while I wanted her to be around for many more years, I knew I did right by her. She was always cared for and she had 18 good years with me.

I have been in situations where a colic or injury requires immediate action. I would so much rather have a planned euthanasia because you can come to terms with it. It is not this dire, stark situation where everyone is emotional and the horse is frightened or in great pain.

So talk to your vet. And remember, that the horse’s interests are paramount. No matter how upset you believe you might feel, it’s not about you, it’s about the horse. Even if it means euthanasia.

[Renn_aissance]

What spoke to me is that your mare is on extended stall rest, and is not happy about it.

Try making a list of the things that your mare enjoys- the things that are paramount for her to be happy and comfortable. It might include “she likes to be groomed,” “she goes out and roams with her herd,” something like that. Then, rewrite that as things that need to be true for her to enjoy each one- “she must be comfortable being groomed and palpated all over her body,” “she must be able to be maintained as pasture-sound so that she can safely interact with her herd,” etc. Look at your second list. If those requirements for her happiness can’t be met now due to injury, what is her prognosis of recovery to reach them? Is it going to take her 9 months of being locked up in a stall to maybe recover to the point where she can hang out in a big field with her buddies? In the grand scheme of the last year, how often has she met the criteria for the things that make her happy?

You might also talk to the vet about the “quality of life list” you’ve drawn up. If you and your vet decide that now is not her time to go, that list will be helpful for you to have on hand the next time you have a serious veterinary situation to help you decide which (if any) treatments to pursue.

If she is a chronically injured or chronically ill horse who needs this much bubble-wrapping to make it from one day to the next, it is not a cruelty to let her go. She does not want to be in pain.

[fordtraktor]

No real advice, just ((hugs)). I have never regretted the decision to let one go, but I have regretted waiting too long before. I swore I’d never do that again and I kept the promise for my old guy last winter, when he started to rotate badly from a laminitis flare. I was broken hearted but I was also very relieved when it was over. I am sure he could have lasted a bit longer if I’d pulled out more stops but once you are going down those rabbit holes, it gets harder and harder to say “enough” I think. I thought I would feel guilty but I don’t. Just relieved I spared him a horribly painful end. I hope it goes the same for you.

If you struggle with guilt afterward, come back here and we’ll talk you out of it! This is a great community especially for these big decisions.

[SLedbetter]

I feel for you. Was actually glad to see your post this morning, as I’m in the same boat you are. I made the final decision just yesterday to put my ‘older’ man down. I’ve been battling with the decision over the last few months. He has had neuro issues since we’ve had him, and over the last several weeks has had a major decline. We were unable to trim his feet the last time the farrier was out due to his instability standing on three legs. He dozes off randomly, and can fall without warning. This is my first horse, have had to deal with euthanasia with my dogs in the past, one, my Great Dane who I fought valiantly to save in his short life of two years. I understand the emotional and financial drain it can take on a person.
I am so afraid of making the wrong decision for my boy, but know in my heart of hearts its the best thing for him. If only to avoid another injury/accident that could result in his needless suffering. One thing I want to say, which may sound a bit out there, is that the biggest determining factor in finalizing the decision, was that Cash ‘told’ me he was ready. The light has gone out of his eyes. His spirit is dim.
When my vet saw him earlier this spring for vaccinations, she was concerned at that point. She gave me some good advice: Pick three things that he enjoys. When he no longer enjoys those things, it’s time. For us, that was grooming, food, and attention. Cash eats slowly now, he doesn’t like being touched or groomed. Used to stand forever to let us brush on him and fuss over him. This was a horse who would lay his head on your chest, eyes closed, and soak up pets and attention. He wants no part of that now. So, as hard and sickening it was for me to make the decision, the date is set.
I ‘compromised’ with him, we will wait until after Christmas, because I don’t want to spend my holiday knowing he’s gone from us. But I also don’t want to start a new year with having to put a horse down. So, barring any major issues/accidents, that is plan. It will give me some time to process, prepare, and have him here with us for a bit longer. But not too long.
I will bury Cash here with us, will put a note with him telling him how much I appreciated all he taught me about horses and life in general. I will thank him for the lessons he taught me while he was here with us. He can take that with him over the bridge. I feel that will give me closure of some kind.
Please read the poem “The Grandest Foal” it gave me a lot of peace making my decision. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Just know that you are not alone.

[SharonA]

You are a good horse mom, to be thinking so much about what decisions to make. As thoughtful as you are, you cannot make the wrong decision. Some decisions just need time to make themselves “ready.” But, I wondered i you have any thoughts about a horsie afterlife. I ask because you seem to think that putting her down is a failure, or an ending that you should feel guilty about. It can’t be a failure, because we all gotta go someday. We can’t work it away or buy it away or love it away. We’re all gonna go. Aging and eventually dying with dignity is actually a success, because you’re being true to Nature, not fighting it.

Maybe there is a piece of your heart that believes that horses go to heaven, and I am pretty sure that Horse Heaven is just that – green pastures, bubbling clear streams, lots of sand piles to roll in, good friends to romp around with or graze with, and no lameness, no fights, just a lot of fun and games and foods that the horses were never allowed to get away with in their earlier lives. And no bugs. If we believe in horse heaven, why would we NOT want to let a friend go there, already? There is a whole new chapter waiting for them on the other side.

Many hugs to you, OP. I do think it is harder for those of us who are left behind, and have to grow into the new order of things once the friend has moved ahead.

[Abbie.S]

I know that even if I get her through this episode, there will be another and another after that and someday no amount of money and effort will be able to help and I’ll end her life while she’s in acute distress

Read this again and again and again. And then read it again. And then print it and post is somewhere so you’ll see it often so you can continue to reflect on it.

Today marks 1 year to the day that I put down my 9yo mare. She was healthy, fat and shiny. Looking at her you never would have known anything was wrong. But after battling one lameness for years with a very dim prognosis and having another one crop up with an equally poor prognosis, I couldn’t do it anymore. I still grieve her loss to a degree, and for some time I wondered if I really did everything I could. Like your mare, she was a medical money pit and she was unhappy. When her unhappiness really started to show, I knew it was time.

Do you have a good rapport with your vet? If so, call them. What eased the decision for me was the conversation I had with my vet, who had been treating her for years and who knew how much I was struggling with this. He told me, flat out, “you could keep putting money into her, there are all kinds of things we can play with, but at the end of the day she’s not going to reverse course. Her riding days are done, now it’s a matter of how long you want to try and keep her comfortable.”

The other thing that helped was my best friend telling me this, verbatim (I will never forget this conversation): “Don’t you think you matter in this equation, too? She is so lucky to have had you for all these years to take such good care of her, and don’t you doubt for a minute she knows that…but you can’t fix her, you know you can’t fix her, and while her passing will hurt like hell, it’s nothing compared to the agony you’re putting yourself through trying to delay the inevitable.”

(((Hugs))). It’s never easy. But in this case, it appears that it IS simple.

[2DogsFarm]

@IronwoodFarm

I have been in situations where a colic or injury requires immediate action. I would so much rather have a planned euthanasia because you can come to terms with it. It is not this dire, stark situation where everyone is emotional and the horse is frightened or in great pain.

So talk to your vet. And remember, that the horse’s interests are paramount. No matter how upset you believe you might feel, it’s not about you, it’s about the horse. Even if it means euthanasia.

@IronwoodFarm summed it up neatly for me here.
I’ve been in both situations & being able to plan was somewhat easier - if anything this painful can ever be called “easy”.
But ultimately we have to do right by our horses, even if it causes us pain.
{HUGS} for having to make the decision all horseowners dread & are honor-bound to make.