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Terrified of putting my horse down- She's gone

Off Course
#21

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I really appreciate the support and acknowledgement that there is not a clear answer. Horse people in my real life fall into two very black and white camps. Those who have witnessed up close what mare and I have gone through ask why I haven’t done it already and broken the cycle, while those who have not been exposed to the details of every episode are horrified I’m even considering euthanasia.

The concept of what I can afford is murky. On paper, I can fund her vet care indefinitely, but not without significant sacrifice on the part of DH. I don’t mind driving my beater for another few years and wearing old clothes, but we have had to delay necessary work on our house due to vet bills, which means DH never gets to purchase/do things he wants. He is completely tolerant of this if I’m content, but the 4 months out of the year my horse acts miserable means that I am a miserable crazy person for 4 months out of the year. So the combination of having a weeping wife because the mare has dull eyes with wrinkled nostrils and laid-back ears AND not being able to afford a new computer because we are spending 2x the cost of the computer on vet bills is difficult for him. But the mare has always turned around.

My vets acknowledge that my horse has an unusual number and variety of issues despite very good care and management, and understand that at some point I will likely be done if the mare doesn’t beat me to it. They don’t have strong recommendations either way.

I guess I can put it this way- if there were some majikal pill that I could give her every day for the rest of her life, even if it were expensive, that would allow her to live her life happily and comfortably in a retirement barn, everyone would be happy. It’s the constant cycle of “the horse is uncomfortable and requiring thousands of dollars and 3x daily care,” then she’s slowly recovering, then “oh wait, something is wrong again” that is so mentally and emotionally wearing.

Thinking back, I don’t think she’s ever done well over winter, but always for a different reason- two years (but 3 or 4 years apart) it was foot issues that required x-rays and specially crafted shoes, one year she fell on ice in the pasture and was wounded, one year she had an SI injury of unknown origin at the end of summer (long rehab), one year was GI troubles, one year was her back, this year it’s wounds from a really unnecessary injury that has somehow resulted in an infection in a leg that was not wounded.

I don’t have aspirations for riding her. I enjoy spending time with her and handwalking together on our well-groomed trails in summer. This winter I had plans to do a lot of indoor handwalking with her to give myself a little exercise and keep her moving. I like grooming too. But spending time with her when she acts unhappy wrecks me, and the proportion of the year she spends on mandatory stall rest (which makes her particularly unhappy) seems to increase each year. And that’s the real problem.

1 Like
#22

This is possibly the most helpful advice I’ve ever received. Thank you. I will do this.

#23

Oh my gosh, you guys. I just read through the responses that were posted while I was taking an hour to type my last long response (trying to not cry at work but ultimately gave up and closed my office door) and so much of what was shared speaks to me. Really, thank you so much.

3 Likes
#24

OP, this is THE Place to come for this sort of advice.
Very few on here are DGI (Don’t Get It) & as horseowners they are eventually going to join the GI Club.

It sux to be responsible for making this type of decision, but ultimately we have to.
It sounds like your mare is ready more than you are or will ever be.
Remember: horses have no concept of Tomorrow or Future.
They know Now, and if Now is painful or not as they prefer to live, then ending Now is not a bad idea.

IME:
Will you be a wreck? Undoubtedly.
Will you What-If yourself & doubt the decision? Probably.
Will you have a horse-shaped hole in your heart for some time? Yes.
Will that hole eventually fill with memories of Good Times? Yes.

6 Likes
#25

The vets have given you the answer by not giving one. When it is in the horse’s best interests, vets don’t hesitate.

You are a great caretaker for this mare. So long as you continue to make decisions based on what’s in her best interest, you’ll be fine.

It is never easy to say goodbye to a horse, but when the decision is clear and it remains the only kind thing left to do, you can take solace that you’ve done your best by the horse.

1 Like
#26

This is very telling. It sounds like you have done more than most people would. Constant stall rest isn’t a very happy life, in my experience. Sorry. :frowning:

#27

You do what is right for your situation. It will still be hard, but whatever you choose will be correct.

I’ll tell you my story, if it’s any comfort.

After graduating from school, I found a place to board my current horse as well as my new horse I just purchased. My current horse just recently had a “retirement” diagnosis. He was only 14, but had severe arthritis in his hip and stifle. The vet (very good lameness vet in my area) told me to give him bute for comfort and let him be a pasture pet. I’ve owned this horse since he was 6 months old, so of course he is dear to me. As the summer progressed, he started getting more cranky which was NOT his usual personality. Getting him to the farrier was a challenge. He was always a bit of a problem loader, and his hip pain didn’t make it any easier. It was my own fault, but I got cow-kicked across the yard at the farrier’s when I was trying to load up and go home. “My” horse would NEVER do that to me. That’s when I kind of realized how miserable he probably was. I could have continued to keep him a pasture pet and found someone else to come to us to do his feet, but it just was not smart of me to pay to board a pasture pet and I could not afford to board another horse.

So I chose to put him down. He was a wonderful and talented performance horse and I miss him to this day (he’s been gone 6 years already) but I am at peace that it was the correct decision. A decision made in part with financial interest in mind, but also in his best interest too.

So if you feel this is the correct decision for your horse, then do it. Yes, you’ll be sad about it and you’ll miss him, but there comes a peace with it too because you know you did the right thing.

hugs

2 Likes
#28

I read this the other day and it offered some comfort. There are many, many things worse than euthanasia and only you can make that decision. (I put down my first horse at 24. His suspensory ligaments were failing; and though nothing was wrong with him on the day he died, I was deathly afraid that he’d lay down to sleep one night and be unable to get up in the morning. The choice to put him down wasn’t easy, but in the end, it spared more hardships - which is the kindest thing you can do.)

[I]I keep reminding myself that the struggle to enter the next life is not that different than the one to enter this one was. Only the perspective of us as spectators is different.

Birth and death for God’s children is so very similar – Extreme stress and pressure force you out of your safe, familiar world into a strange new world where your arrival is anxiously awaited and applauded by those who have preceded you. They are so excited about the wonderful new life that you’re about to embark upon, that they barely even consider the discomfort that you are experiencing. But you are overwhelmed and freaked out when you arrive, because it is really awful going through the birth process. — So much of what has sustained you up until now is abruptly shut down or cut off. It has to be, in order for you to be equipped to function in the new world. Your heart and circulatory system reconfigure themselves in an instant so your blood can be oxygenated in a whole new way than before. I’ll bet that hurts!

You have to breath air instead of water which must be a whole lot like drowning only backwards. But does anybody really care about that? No!! You take that first awful breath and scream out in pain and terror and they actually erupt into cheers and laughter and light-hearted excitement while you continue to scream at the top of your lungs. They actually rejoice that you are crying! The more you kick and scream the better they like it! How rude!!

But watching someone enter the next life - being on the back end, all we see is the pressure, the stress, the pain, and the fact that they are entering a world that is completely alien to them and to us. And like the proverbial twin left in the womb, we feel empty and alone and traumatized by the negative side of what we have just witnessed and by the ominous sense that it will soon happen to us too. Yet, while we struggle to make sense of it all, our brother has already calmed down, been embraced by his parents, and is looking with wonder and amazement into their adoring eyes. He has already forgotten the struggle he just went through only minutes before because of the love and comfort of his parents. He has been launched into a broad, bright, wonderful world that we, still cowering alone in the womb, cannot begin to fathom. [/I]

Hugs with whatever you decide.

4 Likes
#29

I will share my story, altho the circumstances are different. I had a beautiful and (potentially) talented mare that had real psychological damage. I am an experienced rider but never really felt safe on her, despite a lot of excellent professional help from trainers as well as vets. Her “go to” response was UP when she couldn’t/didn’t cope. In retrospect, she may well have had spine or neck problems- she had a dubious past. She became more difficult as she got older, and after 8 years I retired her.

I continued to work with her on the ground, and liberty work which she enjoyed, and moved her to a retirement barn . Over the next 18 months I was asked to move her 3 times as she became increasingly aggressive with other horses but hated individual turnout. She was just miserable most of the time despite all the treatments, supplements, alternative therapies I could afford, and that she would put up with, and as much attention that I could give her.

I spoke with my vet about other boarding or rehoming options, and she looked at me and told me that would be doing the mare a disservice. Altho she was physically sound and healthy, she was chronically unhappy and anxious except when I was with her. I obviously couldn’t be there 24/7.

In the end, I went with the vet’s advice, showered her with love and attention for a week, gave her the preparatory ACE , waited for the vet, and stayed with her to the end. It was quiet and as easy for her as possible.

I still have not been able to tell most people that I euthanised a healthy horse, but I know in my heart that it was the best choice. I know she is at peace and happy finally, something she was not down here.

I can’t stress enough the concept of quality of life. Is your mare happy now? Will she come sound enough to enjoy retirement?- all of the questions previous posts listed. Go with your instinct, not your intellect!

3 Likes
#30

From your posts, there are three parties to this. You, your husband, and the horse. Should you decide to put the horse down, I know the pain will pass and there is another horse that needs and wants you.

1 Like
#31

OP, I’ve been exactly where you are (see my thread from October about euthanizing my “heart” horse). I had a 22 year old horse (who I’d owned for more than half my life) with Cushing’s, equine asthma, and a chronic lameness that was unaffected by any pain medication or other treatment we had tried. A lot of people in my life didn’t understand my decision to euthanize him, because he was fat (BCS 6.5), shiny, alert, and still able to get around the pasture (albeit with a noticeable limp). It absolutely broke my heart to put him down, but I felt that it was my responsibility to end his suffering. In my opinion, euthanasia is never the wrong choice. There are MANY, many fates worse than death.

((Hugs))

3 Likes
#32

I think you have just said something that’s worth repeating to yourself.

This is 1/3 of the year.

I will add to my previous note about making a “quality of life checklist” that this was a very emotionally difficult thing for me to put together for my healthy but special snowflake horse. That said, I remain very glad that I did it. It makes injuries and conditions easier to handle because I’ve already done the work of helping myself answer “will this be the right decision for him?” and it’s also a part of his emergency documentation at the barn.

Thinking of you.

#33

My gelding who is 23 is doing fantastic. I’ve had him for over 16 years. We still ride 6 days a week and I recently got a shot in the arm motivation-wise for my riding. We seem to be in pretty good shape to make our Century Ride in about 3 years.

But I think I’m like most of us. We always have in the back of our mind that something could go drastically wrong all of a sudden and we’re forced to make hard decisions. I think about that and the fact that he is old and getting older and the day we must part will be sooner now, rather than later. Maybe I’ll have to make the call before a winter sets in, which is hard, but better than asking him to linger on in discomfort or pain.

I’ve thought about a few things I can control to ease the process, some of which are inspired by fellow COTHers. He’ll be buried on the edge of hayfield on the farm where he’s always lived. That’s a deal with the BO. I read recently that research indicates two shots are preferable, the first of which sedates, which is what our vet does. I won’t watch him go down, but I’ll sit with him until I’m ready to let go. I’ll scatter a couple of bales of hay on the bottom of his grave. I hope we can do it a ways out in the field and the tractor can carry him over rather than pushing him in. I won’t watch but I need to know that. Part of his wispy tail will come with me, of course.

I too am thinking of you, teary eyed. The emotions will be hard to work though but it’s the best thing you can do for her.

1 Like
#34

Thanks for the continued support, everyone. I’ve been struggling with what to do long term while continuing to fight the good fight on a daily basis (and getting sick myself hasn’t been helping). One day she’s bright and almost sound, the next she’s dull and limping again. We still aren’t winning against the infection so the vets want to try a new line-up of drugs, but combined with her history, it’s looking like this might remain a chronic on-again, off-again affair even if we beat it back this time.

Handwalking last night was nice, because she was bright. Handwalking this morning was depressing because she was not. It really makes all the difference.

#35

When I was last in a similar position, I did lots of research to find out what my horse was experiencing, so I did not try to anthropomorphicise (close enough) the situation.

What I learned, and internalized, is that horses live in the present. They have no ability to anticipate or understand the concept of “future”. At that time I had an old horse with a broken jaw that had been surgically put back together. But complications from the surgery made recovery twice as long and very painful.

Once I understood that all the horse knew was that he was in very bad pain, and could not anticipate that he would feel better in a month, the answer was very easy.

If your horse is in pain more often than not, then your answer is easier. You have given this horse many good years, He does not deserve many bad years in return.

Since your situation involves a husband and a horse, then your decision needs to consider what is best for your husband husband and your horse.

IMO, by coming onto COTH and posing the question means that you have already made the decision but want support. I think that everyone here would support you in any decision you make. Based on what you have said, I would euthanize.

#36

When I was last in a similar position, I did lots of research to find out what my horse was experiencing, so I did not try to anthropomorphicise (close enough) the situation.

What I learned, and internalized, is that horses live in the present. They have no ability to anticipate or understand the concept of “future”. At that time I had an old horse with a broken jaw that had been surgically put back together. But complications from the surgery made recovery twice as long and very painful.

Once I understood that all the horse knew was that he was in very bad pain, and could not anticipate that he would feel better in a month, the answer was very easy.

Since your situation involves a husband and a horse, and a bank account, then your decision needs to consider what is best for all of you. (And yes, your bank account gets a say, because it is also affected by any decision you make.) I feel very strongly that the daily condition of the horse should not be the only determining factor. Everyone close to the situation, and affected by it, should get an equal say.

IMO, by coming onto COTH and posing the question means that you have already made the decision but want support. I think that everyone here would support you in any decision you make. Based on what you have said, I would euthanize.

4 Likes
#37

This is fair. Honestly, the reason I am opting for a more expensive course of treatment is to buy time to get past the holidays. Right now, she appears only mildly uncomfortable physically with her biggest complaint being a total lack of turnout for almost a month and some moderate tummy trouble from all the meds and no turnout. If we can get past this episode, I can…put it off some more?

#38

“Honestly, the reason I am opting for a more expensive course of treatment is to buy time to get past the holidays. If we can get past this episode, I can…put it off some more?”

OP, I say this with love : WHY??? Why put it off? She is unhappy a large percentage of days. Her tummy hurts. She gets no turnout.

What is the purpose of waiting?? What does “get past this episode” mean when you seem fairly sure that there will be more episodes in the future? What is going to be different after the holidays, other than that she will have spent another few weeks in her current state, you will have spent a lot of money, and as soon as the holidays are over, work will get busy and there will be some other set of distractions. Look. We love you, but this is not going to get any easier. There is no easy out on this. There is no majikal pill. She is miserable, and so are you. Send her to a better life, and look ahead to whatever is next for you.

I can’t help feeling like I want to tell you, “Eyes up and kick on!” I mean it with love, I really do, because so many of us have been here. But, I worry that you’re just dragging it out. Time for the big girl panties, I’m sorry to say. A horse’s health and wellbeing requires a lead mare to show the way. Be her lead mare.

JMO.

5 Likes
#39

I agree with this. And I know it’s super, super hard, when you know she has good days and you’re attached and her issues aren’t the kind of big obvious issues that would make a decision easy.

But I keep thinking about if it were my horse, and what my obligations to him are.

I’ve had my guy since he was a foal. He was my first baby, the first horse I backed, and when things were good they were really, really good. I could hop on and it was like we read each other’s mind. Sitting on him was the most comfortable, happy place I could imagine. But he’s had ongoing soundness issues. Never anything obvious, never anything super painful. It was always slight. Then came the girthiness - he would have sheer panic attacks getting tacked up, break the crossties and take off bucking. If I managed to keep that out of control, he’d often flip out when getting to the ring for a ride. I spent more money than I had trying to figure it out, and even then, after trips to the best sports medicine vet on the east coast, the answers were murky and unsatisfying, other than the concurrence from the vet that this wasn’t a training/attitude issue and there really was something off in his feet. I spent even more money I didn’t have to keep him ridable, coffin joint injections, special shoes, pour in pads, a ridiculously careful tacking up routine to try and derail his panic. Things would get better, then they’d get worse. Some days were just really bad, others you wouldn’t know there was an issue. No matter what he tried so hard, and was always a pleasure to ride once we’d worked out what was bothering him. I could put beginners on him, and he’d be super careful with them. He was always willing to dig in and work harder when asked. But stuff just wasn’t exactly right.

He’s 15 now, and when I had my first child he went to a field board situation where I know he’d be happy. He always hated stalls, and prefers being out. He’s still happy as can be out there, but part of me is always waiting for the call where things are not quite OK. And I expect when that happens, it will be something nebulous, not obvious, and just something that requires maintenance.

But I’ve made the decision that if he can’t live out in a low-maintenance way (which is where he is happiest) that it will be time to let go. Keeping him stalled would make him miserable.

Your horse (and mine) have no concept of the future. They can’t conceptualize that if they hang in a bit more, that maybe they’ll feel better. They only know how they’re feeling at that moment. It sounds like your horse has at least as many bad days as you have. That she’s not really truly happy/content very often.

I think in your shoes I’d be leaning for euthanasia. I can’t tell you what to do, and no one should, but I’ve come to be very aware that death is not the worst thing for animals, and the toll this is taking on you and your family can’t be ignored either (even if husband has been very good about it). If nothing else, if you go that route, know this internet stranger understands, and supports you.

#40

I know. I talked to the vet and she’s supportive. It actually might give both of us some emotional relief. I’m still giving the new meds, but I think it will be over this Friday. I’m meeting with my BO tomorrow. I’ll have more than a week off from work. It’s time.

And thank you, CoTH family, for helping me through this. I always flail the most before making a big decision and I appreciate the patience.

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