I am going thru a yucky patch right now - and that is ALL it is, just yucky - but when I start feeling whiney I think about what you are facing Kim and then that puts it in perspective, like right now. I guess we need a WWKD sticker? 
:yes:
7 Likes
Oh Lord no! I am no poster child. I am so wishy washy, I have been my whole life.
I go back and forth with this. Because in the end it is just me. I am still asking myself why.
More when I can.
4 Likes
And you are entitled to do that very thing. Peace, strength and good wishes, sista.
4 Likes
Itās not easy but youāre working through it!
1 Like
Hoping today is a good day for you! Iām so glad the nurse you met was awesome. When my mom was going through treatment, the majority of her chemo nurses were just angels.
1 Like
Dropping by to bring you some kindness: Jingles and ((hugs)) and let you know that Iām thinking of you.
3 Likes
One of the guys on the Multiple Myeloma FB page was given this Tshirt by his wife. He wore it to his first day of high dose chemo.
https://www.cafepress.com/mf/7992139ā¦ctId=883219908
ETA- I like this one.
https://www.cafepress.com/mf/91297748/when-they-said-they-were-hooki_tshirt?productId=1330818207
2 Likes
Just read this and sending jingles and loving hugs to you.
1 Like
[INDENT]Sending some Saturday sunshine ~[/INDENT]
for mowing or gardening ~
((hugs)) of support and comfort ~
and always ā¦
Jingles & AO ~
Dear Kim -
Have not been online for some time due to the move, work, etc. Am so sorry to hear the eventual diagnosis, and feel for you having to make all of those decisions.
I can absolutely relate to others not bothering to have the time, yet one or two solid people were surprisingly there. Especially some I had just met at work.
My family has been inundated with cancer, some with other illnesses and weāve had several recent sudden deaths from other reasons. So family has pretty much been there for me the least. āI sat with her a few days after surgeryā¦bah, bye.ā But I get it.
But some newly met had been there for me as I went through chemo, etc. And BFF - a VP of a large company took several days off to travel with me for my surgery. No one else in my family would have been up to it.
I rarely hear from her, but she just now called while I was typing this. 
The good ones you have to hold on to in spirit, even when they are not there physically. I now have moved out-of-state for work again, and rarely see anyone. But lucky Iām ok now.
I didnāt have a port, but didnāt have the requirements you do.
My niece has been Stage 4 breast cancer, liver, lymph node involvement for some time now. Iād say 3-4 years? She is on disability, but her grandmother left her some money so she has been able to travel to visit her kids in other states regularly. She be-bops around the country like itās no big deal. You never knowā¦
I am overdue for my colonoscopy, but just had my yearly with cancer docs, and going to line it up soon.
Thinking of you as you face all of this. I miss my home in NY terribly. The flowers, yes - mowing the lawn. But I chose a ground floor apt. Just moved in 2 weeks ago. We were required to take off this weekend, so one of the things Iāll be doing is planting outside my patio.
I love that you were thinking you could go ahead and plant those tomatoes. Hope you still can.
And so glad COTH has been there for you. <3
2 Likes
Well I feel I should write what is happening.
I am not good. The pain is bad, and is not easily gotten rid of with anything over the counter.
Bodily function is getting hard. not going into detail use your imagination.
And I am really fed up. I ask myself, why do you continue, so you can do shit for the ex?
I have been such a fool, he is the same as he always was. I continue to DO for him, the yard, the house, the office,
And why? While he sits on his ass day and night, and complains he cannot walk, he does not work at it.
I got screamed at today, and called a bitch and told I was always a bitch and will be till the day I die. Why? because all the hanging baskets I took him to get last week, well suddenly he hates the plastic baskets, so he orders ones from pennys that look like those moss ones. Gee sure, go ahead. do it your self. HE kills everything, never waters.
I saw them today and said well they are much more shallow than what they are in. you will have to add more potting soil, bla bla bla. I never have anything nice to say, So what do I do, I help him??
What the F?? And after all that sweat and going and watering all the gardens, I felt like crap, Not a thank you, never an Iām sorry. And I think really? get Chemo so you can continue this? No fing way.
I may have to be alone but it is a far cry better than living my last days with that BS.
I am so glad I told him a few weeks ago I was not going to move in again. What a nightmare.
Must have been some sickness where I do not know how to walk away. He has not once asked me what I need what he could do. Just so what else are you going to plant in the beds, or what else needs to get put on the lawn.
Iāve have had it!
3 Likes
Iām sorry 
1 Like
I am also sorry to hear about the ex. Let him ādoā for himself from now on and you focus on you. Donāt let him take your energy.
Have you talked with the oncologist or his nurse about getting something to help with the pain?
Sending some hugs.
5 Likes
Wellā¦shit. NO ONE NEEDS THAT! And certainly not you! Your ex does not sound like heās capable of being a caretaker AT ALL. And Iām so sorry. You need someone to lean on, not someone like him (who sounds like heās leaning hard)
Just some quick thoughts.
Given that you liked your doc, you might have a conversation with her about exactly how she thinks this is going to lookāwhat are the chances the chemo will shrink the thing enough so youāll be comfortable? How distressful is this chemo protocol? (yes, that varies but still, she should have some ideaāthey know that drugs like cisplatin, for example, suck) how exactly does she things going for you? Perhaps you have done this. That can give a pretty good picture of whatās worth doing.
It might also be helpful to chat with that nurse Rachelle. Tell her whatās going on and that your ācaregiverā crapped out. She may have some ideas about other sources of support. But I would totally stick with people like her who lift you up, who connect with you in an authentic way, who are there for you. And who support you in joy! My godmother actually chose to stay in the hospital rather than return home to her husband because she loved the nurses.
No sure how your living situation is set up but are you able to have anyone move in? I know DH (eventually) found it really reassuring to have another adult (me ) around, to drive, to remember things, to care for him, to manage animals (and you know that if for any reason you change your mind about Handsome and his friend, I will totally take them, send you vet references and all that! No one should have to worry about their life long companions!) , to cook, watch tV and really take care of things. Not your ex for sure but someone who can take on some of the caregiving? There may be some COTHāers nearbyā¦
and I wish I was o ne of them! Just so sorry you are dealing with relationship CRAP in the middle of this!
Just know you have a ton of support out here in cyber land!!
6 Likes
You do you, donāt worry about him
6 Likes
And yes to PAIN MANAGEMENT. Your doc or Rachelle can refer you to the palliative care folks (which I thought meant hospice but does not!! you can absolutely still get treatment while getting palliative care) They ROCK when it comes to pain, better than the oncologist.
7 Likes
Kim, so sorry to hear ex- is not being the support you want and need
Know that here you will get all the āvirtualā support we can give you.
Please listen to lilitiger2 and her comments on pain management. It will make a huge difference in your mental outlook. It may not change the end game but it can very much change your view of the world.
{{Kim}}
3 Likes
Me too. I think of you often, Kim.
1 Like
This is from highly regarded Dana Farber in Boston:
Treatment of stage IV anal cancer may include the following:
- Surgery as palliative therapy to relieve symptoms and improve the quality of life.
- Radiation therapy as palliative therapy.
- Chemotherapy with radiation therapy as palliative therapy.
- A clinical trial of new treatment options
1 Like
