The Big C! RIP Kim, see pg. 218

[shiloh]

You do not need that kind of toxicity in your life right now. Like others have said - let him do for himself. Or maybe - think about this - he is trying to drive you away so he does not have to face the inevitable.

Plant flowers for yourself. Make your life and surroundings nice for you.

And at the risk of being pushy - re-think the port. It’s a good way to get in better pain meds and faster. I hope you can get some relief from the pain soon. Better living thru chemistry, I say!

And like ZuZu - wishing you strength and AO! I wish I lived closer _ I would bring you Baler kitten to make you laugh. He’s going thru a silly phase - today he chased his tail, swatting at it over and over til he fell down. Then he jumped up and ran down the stairs a billion miles per hour and crashed headfirst into the door. Ninny.

[Sannois]

How is it that you folks on here are kinder than anyone I know.
Not feeling sorry, no good in that, more angry at how I have always taken care of you know who.
WHY? I do not love him, in fact, I may even slightly hate him, for all his anger and nastiness.
I have felt for a while that he may have early onset althzeimers. Not my problem.
But I have allowed him to treat me like that for so long. I have nothing to lose anymore, I do not need his anger or outbursts or unkindness or lack of support.
I know he is freaking out because who will do everything for him. Well he can afford it, hire it done.
I am finished.
Shiloh, Baler kitty sounds like my kind of kitty. I love when they are so crazy like that.

[Bluey]

While you are trying to find your way in this new reality, have you looked thru TED talks for some that may resonate with you?
It helps some times to see what others experience, like this one here:

https://www.ted.com/talks/emily_levine_how_i_made_friends_with_reality

There are others, many different perspectives on so much we go thru in life.

While we know we are ultimately alone, we can’t read other’s minds, others also can’t read ours.
We can try to explain ourselves, as those in the videos do, each one in their unique way.
Some times, that can help, give us more to think.

On being in pain, that should be unacceptable, let everyone know, so they help you get a handle on that asap.

You should have been given a 24/7 number to call, use it.
If not, insist they put you on whatever local program they have for that.
Here practically all hospitals and drs clinics today have one such for all kinds of health problems.

Whatever the problem is, to be in pain is not acceptable.

[Zu_Zu]

@Zu Zu

There is no way to qualify the words or actions of humans around you during such a level of ‘Serious’

Often one finds strangers are more supportive and kind
Friends and family members are ‘freaked’ and scared …and react inappropriately

• Cothers who have faced : traveled the ‘Serious’ path know the sheer heartbreak of this human failure …

Surround yourself with nice …support people nurses … support groups …animals

Avoid the toxic …regardless of why they can’t handle the situation …
*If anyone / someone makes your life more difficult … turn … walk away …tune out their noise.

Please take extra care of yourself
Be Careful
Be Safe

Sometimes all one can do is focus on getting through half day …one half day at a time

BREATHE …Look around … BREATHE

(( Hugs))

JINGLES & AO

• grab mane and kick !!

I repeat ^

I’m so sorry for this additional ‘hell’ of his verbal abuse …

I wish I lived within a reasonable distance.
Please know I would try to help any and every way possible ~

Kind, supportive words
Thoughts and prayers
and
Jingles & AO …all.I have to offer from this distance ~
and
((hugs)) laced with strength and comfort ~

• keep an eye on your back doorstep …a couple of surprises on the way to ‘shore’ you up ~

ZuZu

[Louise]

Well heck! Let him do for himself. Your only job right now is you. Some really good suggestions here from people who know a lot more about this than I do. My cousin says to get yourself a set of the softest, finest sheets you can get, no matter what the cost, because they will feel much better on your sensitive skin. Plant flowers. There is something so heartening about watching them grow and flourish. So many of us wish we were closer, so we could provide tangible help. May all of those wishes materialize in the form of caring professionals, to help you and comfort you every step of the way.

[Alexie]

You really don’t need that, please take good care of yourself.
i wish I could help too. Xx

[CanadianTrotter]

@Sannois

How is it that you folks on here are kinder than anyone I know.
Not feeling sorry, no good in that, more angry at how I have always taken care of you know who.
WHY? I do not love him, in fact, I may even slightly hate him, for all his anger and nastiness.
I have felt for a while that he may have early onset althzeimers. Not my problem.
But I have allowed him to treat me like that for so long. I have nothing to lose anymore, I do not need his anger or outbursts or unkindness or lack of support.
I know he is freaking out because who will do everything for him. Well he can afford it, hire it done.
I am finished.
Shiloh, Baler kitty sounds like my kind of kitty. I love when they are so crazy like that.

You’ve made up your mind and are taking a stand…don’t cave and and start catering to him again.

The typical innocent “what did I say/do” and apology will be offered, then quickly remembered and the cycle is renewed once again.

For some reason you feel responsible for and towards him, I wasn’t aware of the full situation/dynamics when I posted earlier saying he might be feeling caretaker’s panic which may have been part of the reason for his attitude and mood swings. What you’ve posted recently throws that idea right out the window.

Save your emotional and physical strength for yourself.

[PKP]

@Louise

Well heck! Let him do for himself. Your only job right now is you. Some really good suggestions here from people who know a lot more about this than I do. My cousin says to get yourself a set of the softest, finest sheets you can get, no matter what the cost, because they will feel much better on your sensitive skin. Plant flowers. There is something so heartening about watching them grow and flourish. So many of us wish we were closer, so we could provide tangible help. May all of those wishes materialize in the form of caring professionals, to help you and comfort you every step of the way.

Yes, all of this! I think of you as I care for my perennial garden, which you inspired. Please do plant some flowers for yourself, they will cheer you up each time you look at them. (Or better, go grab your ex’s hanging baskets

[Sannois]

@PKP

Yes, all of this! I think of you as I care for my perennial garden, which you inspired. Please do plant some flowers for yourself, they will cheer you up each time you look at them. (Or better, go grab your ex’s hanging baskets

Glad I inspired growing!
I have plenty of flowers in my yard that I had planted when I bought this place.
And darn the luck, His baskets are doing great. he is even watering them.
We had a bit of a discussion, and it was not anything different. I told him he can clean his own house, take out his trash get his mail. mow his yard. OH and it is my fault cause I continued to do for him once he was able to walk with a cane this winter. Sigh~

[Bluey]

@Sannois

Glad I inspired growing!
I have plenty of flowers in my yard that I had planted when I bought this place.
And darn the luck, His baskets are doing great. he is even watering them.
We had a bit of a discussion, and it was not anything different. I told him he can clean his own house, take out his trash get his mail. mow his yard. OH and it is my fault cause I continued to do for him once he was able to walk with a cane this winter. Sigh~

You can’t change people, they are who they are.

You may consider that now is a time you need for yourself.
I know you try to be kind to him, but maybe it is time to disengage more.
Take what he may give, but protect yourself from expecting too much.
Sounds like he is not going to give any more, it is what it is.

I hope you have others to help as you need and will need.
You may ask your nurses about what other kinds of help is available to you.
There are programs you may qualify with social workers and counselors, that could help you navigate.
Here our county has a program to drive people that can’t to Drs appointments or any other they need, run by the county, the drivers volunteers.
Good time now to get any such on board for you, if you need them at any time.

Hope you got some help with pain control, that is important.

[mswillie]

@Sannois

OH and it is my fault cause I continued to do for him once he was able to walk with a cane this winter. Sigh~

Of course it’s your “fault”. Classic psychological abuse. Cut him loose, he isn’t offering you any help in your time of crisis, his only song remains me, me, me. You don’t need him kicking you while you’re down. There is a reason you divorced him in the first place.

I posted this link before but I’ll post it again. This is a Delaware based organization but they have national outreach. They may be able to hook you up with a similar organization in your area. This group isn’t for the medical aspect of cancer, rather they offer support for all the other questions and logistics of living with cancer.

http://www.cancercareconnection.org/

I don’t necessarily say a lot, but do know that I, and many others are thinking about you and wishing you strength and peace every day.

[PKP]

I’m happy to hear that you have flowers planted!
I’m so, so sorry that the ex continues to find ways to make his misery about you. It’s not, and it never was. It sounds like in your stronger days you knew this and you divorced him. You became friends again because you found a way to do so while protecting yourself. But now you’re weakened by your cancer, and he is still his narcissistic self. Don’t blame yourself, narcissists are charming beasts.
But do use your energy for yourself and not him. Sit outside and watch the hummingbirds and butterflies enjoy your flowers. And flowers and hummingbirds are especially lovely with a cup of great coffee and pain meds.

[Kyrabee]

{{{Kim}}}

Ugh…the ex. Jettison his a**. It sounds like he is declaring his true colors and you don’t need that. Your first revelation came when he became your ex so go with that and get away.

Check with your cancer center and see if they have any patient advocates available to actually HELP you. Agree with others…ask for pain relief.

I too wish I wasn’t 3000 miles away.

We we have had a kind of rainy May and the flowers are gorgeous. Plant some and enjoy the colors. No judgement/hassle from them ;).

Susan

[Chall]

I second everyone suggesting you look for additional help for yourself. Patient Advocates at hospitals are there to help.
They can assist with signing you up for medicaid and financial help for those who can’t pay.
Even if you choose not to treat doctors/nurses can assist you with physical assistance and treatment for problems that popup (dehydration, help with constipation) besides pain medication.

[Laurierace]

I apologize if this has already been covered but where do you live Sannois?

[Mara]

Can you not have surgery to remove the large tumor in your colon? Seems like you would be a lot more comfortable.

[TMares]

If he makes it all about him he doesn’t have to think about you.

Tell him you quit. And then, quit.

[Bluey]

@Mara

Can you not have surgery to remove the large tumor in your colon? Seems like you would be a lot more comfortable.

I think they were going to put her on chemo to try to shrink it, then see where they are?

[Color_of_Light]

@Chall

I second everyone suggesting you look for additional help for yourself. Patient Advocates at hospitals are there to help.

I third this suggestion. I highly recommend looking into which national nonprofit organizations have chapters your area. The one’s that I’ve been involved with are a huge source of information and support for people. Please reach out to them. They are there for you and have a better understanding about what you are going through than most people or general patient resources.

[Sannois]

@Laurierace

I apologize if this has already been covered but where do you live Sannois?

Michigan!