The Big 'F' - Fear

[B.G.M_heidi]

I used to ride like a fiend - 3-4 times a week, jumping anything put before me. I loved the exhileration of fearlessness.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the oxer, I developed a crippling and inexplicable fear. So I reacted as best I could and I stopped riding. My riding has now been reduced to an annual trip to Ireland where we venture to the same barn in Adare and I hop onto the same large pony (unfortunately a melanoma ridden grey ) and somehow gain the confidence to jump logs, canter over walls, splash into thigh-high streams. Part of my theory is that I’m one of these odd individuals who gains confidence from very specific horses and I’ve yet to find one at home who I trust enough to override my (at times) crippling need to preserve my life. My dear husband, however, believes that confidence is gained by riding everything - including our friend’s 17hh Grand Prix horse, our 6 year-old spooky dumbblood…

So I pose the question to all chronic and occasional chickens - how do you deal with the fear of death, dismemberment and paralysis?

[WHOA]

I only started training and jumping a few years ago, so I completely sympathize with what you’re talking about. I would kind of freeze up when jumps started to look big to me; last semester the girls on my riding team at college gave me the “scary oxer award” along with a ruler that was marked to show me that 3 to six inches is not that big a difference. But I really could only stand to
jump my horse over anything bigger than 2’6". Last summer though I started watching the working hunters at horse shows. That helped a lot. After watching the four foot stuff, nothing I do looks all that intimidating. Sounds stupid, but it worked for me.

[Maria]

Amen Louise, don’t over-analyze.

Been there, done that and still clawing my way back up.

I had basicly the same thing happen to me. Thought I would have to give up horses entirely.

I have just taken it a day at a time, ride by ride. If I don’t feel like riding I don’t.

Plus I have a wonderful trainer who knows of my problem. He will push me but not past my limit.

Get off your own back. Allow yourself to fear and accept it for what it is. You know yourself better than anyone else, don’t let well-meaning others influence or push you.

It will take time and may never completly go away, but my best advise is just take it a day at a time.

My best to you, and if you ever want to talk, e-mail me.

[Cactuskate]

What a wonderful topic!

PH had a good article about taking the perfect “amateur” horse a spiraling down with our fears until the horse was looking for trouble too.(well it went in to more depth but you get the drift).

The thing I got from the article was do YOUR minimum for the day. If it just means getting on and walking once around the arena. It’s on YOUR terms. Then push yourself the next time to TRY a bit more.

And TRUST our abilities. I am the world’s worst at riding the “not yet known”. You know the feeling, that tractor over there, probably going to look at that, that dog running through the bushes, definetly going to see that, those screaming playing children are really going to set him off!

HELLO, ride in the arena, not outside. And TRUST my horse. If he does do something then deal with it, but I get so defensive that I cease to function. Before you know it I have this awful moving creature underneath me and I am hanging on his mouth.

This last week I rode for the first time without the queasy in the pit of my stomach fear feeling. As my horse pricked his ears here and there around the arena I FORCED myself to not panic and make him go forward. And trust him. He was wonderful. Never made a move, just looked.

It is a scary place and I have to deal with it everytime I ride. But I really want to get through it.

Quinn, thank you for the wonderful tips!!! I will apply many I am sure. Heidi work on your own agenda and do find a good ground person. My dressage trainer is the best thing that happened for me. Unfortunately I only see her once a month, she lives to dang far away. But I keep her voice in my head between lessons.

[B.G.M_heidi]

Quinn, what a wonderful idea. I’ll have to see whether I can get the melanoma-ridden pony flown in from Ireland. Can I send a surrogate - given that few know who I am I could conceivably send my dear mother in my place and no one would be the wiser

My fear aside, it would be fun wouldn’t it? We could call it the ‘f’ circuit, membership to be restricted to those who have the love but perhaps not the courage. Perhaps we can bypass jumping altogether and award prizes for simple feats of bravery - trotting around the arena once without puking. An equine support group with our own 12 steps - step one, mount horse, put feet in stirrups, sit there for five minutes; step two, walk around the arena once; step three, trot; step four, drink red wine; step five, trot twice around the arena. Could be fun. Who else is in?

[Palisades]

First of all heidi, a big hug from your daughter! I know you had mentioned this before, but I didn’t realize you had this much fear. I hope you can get over it, because if there’s one thing we all have in common here, it is the knowledge that riding is a really great experience.

I too have dealt with fear. Type A was fear of…I’m not really sure, actually. I think it was fear of my horse bucking (which he did quite frequently), but I wasn’t scared of falling off or getting hurt, because I knew I could stay on when he did it. It was more like he started to get up and down, and I’d immediately be scared that he would buck. I have no idea why, I just did. This one was really hard to get over, because he bucked at all different times. I was scared just to walk around the ring on him, because if something set him off, he might end up bucking. Eventually, I think I got over it (for the most part). I focus on working him through the bucking phase, but I will admit that I still get into panic situations at times.

Type B fear I’m still working on. It’s that “I’m not good enough fear”. I’m not good enough to ride my horse right, that’s why he started stopping. I’m not good enough to ride my horse because it was my fault we didn’t pin in that class. I’m not good enough because my eq is so horrendously bad that I’m embarassing my coach. I still work on this one every day…I still don’t think I’m good enough. I also compare myself to other people a lot. Not a good idea, it makes it sooooo much worse.

My suggestions on fear?

1. A coach you trust beyond all else. There is nothing on this earth that I trust more than my coach…if he tells me to do something, I do it. I don’t want to let him down, which is a good motivator for me. He also understand when I get afraid and helps me through it.

2. A horse you get along with. Not necessarily a 20 year old nag that will never, ever, move above a walk. But one that you love and want to ride.

3. Work through your fear by challenging yourself just a little more than you feel comfortable with. I went out one day and was terrified my horse would spook because of ice falling off the roof. I was okay at the walk, so I made myself trot once around each way. The next time I was out, I wasn’t quite so scared at the trot, so I cantered once around each way. Everyday you ride, identify exactly where your comfort level is and move just a little past that.

BTW Diane, I didn’t know you showed Easy last year! He’s such a cutie, and a great confidence builder (although I did hear about his stunts at Barrie).

[Gayle]

Heidi:

“Where does the fearful person end and the loser begin?”

I tried to do it in bold and couldn’t figure it out but anyway. Never ever think of yourself as a loser. If you knew the people who told me that I should have been embarrassed to be on the other end of a lunge line on a large pony as an adult it would surprise you. My answer was and is none of your business. I would rather learn to ride and be proud of the fact that I conquered the fear than be embarrassed to say I gave up. With every step forward that I take each time I ride I have every reason to be proud that I am still riding and progressing at that.

I am also at an A show barn and no one here minds that we aren’t really showing yet. In fact I have the sneaking feeling that they believe in me more, but they don’t pressure me either. We have lots of kids who are very successful and one that just finished indoors. Still, our trainers have gone out of their way to make sure that no one is comparing themselves to anyone else. I only have to do better than me.

Forget about everyone else, who has talent, and who doesn’t. Just have fun and do what you want when you want.

[L_Scott]

Heidi, You’re on. Name the time and place. All I need is a fancy shmancy new improved approved riding hat. Hopefully the chaps still “do up”.

[This message has been edited by LCR Scott (edited 11-10-2000).]

[B.G.M_heidi]

I used to ride like a fiend - 3-4 times a week, jumping anything put before me. I loved the exhileration of fearlessness.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the oxer, I developed a crippling and inexplicable fear. So I reacted as best I could and I stopped riding. My riding has now been reduced to an annual trip to Ireland where we venture to the same barn in Adare and I hop onto the same large pony (unfortunately a melanoma ridden grey ) and somehow gain the confidence to jump logs, canter over walls, splash into thigh-high streams. Part of my theory is that I’m one of these odd individuals who gains confidence from very specific horses and I’ve yet to find one at home who I trust enough to override my (at times) crippling need to preserve my life. My dear husband, however, believes that confidence is gained by riding everything - including our friend’s 17hh Grand Prix horse, our 6 year-old spooky dumbblood…

So I pose the question to all chronic and occasional chickens - how do you deal with the fear of death, dismemberment and paralysis?

[Everythingbutwings]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by heidi:
I used to ride like a fiend - 3-4 times a week, jumping anything put before me. I loved the exhileration of fearlessness.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Same here, I would go out of my way to jump things, bareback over the 3 bar split rails that line the driveway at Gunston Hall, over fences instead of through gates, see a tree down in the woods I would leave the trail just to try it.

Then, years ago, I took the top telephone pole off a drop jump warming up at a show and, although I have no memory of the incident, quiver in fear at the sight of anything over 2 1/2 feet.

I am okay if I have someone standing in the ring telling me to keep my eyes open and not to drop all contact with the horse three strides out!

Thinking back on the foolish risks I took as a teenager I am amazed that I am alive and in one piece.

There are a couple wonderful horses that I don’t feel so vulnerable and precarious on and, being a scaredy cat, I prefer to ride when I know I will be jumping. Smarter people than me have figured this out and do their best to put me up on others horses to get me out of this habit!

[Alida]

Heidi,

In addition the very good advice offered already, a good professional can help you a lot if you are brutally honest with them. I’ve seen people who are scared but too proud to admit it, or laughingly say “I’m a little bit of a chicken…” and then the trainer doesn’t realize how serious the problem really is, instead of getting better for the student, it gets worse. Explain upfront exactly how you feel and what your experience with fear has been. Ask how they think they can help you with it. If the approach sounds reasonable to you, give it a try. If it not, keep looking for another professional.

The other thing is, as we get older, almost all of us have to accept that we are not going to be as “brave” at 40 as we were at 16. Some lucky souls may go through life with no trepidation for physical danger, I’m not one of them… Experience teaches us that we are not invincible, bad things can happen, and old bones don’t heal as fast. I have come to terms with the fact that the 16 year old me who would ride anything, jump anything, and whose riding “ego” was tied to how brave I was is long gone. I am a lot pickier about what I will ride and what I will attempt based on what’s underneath me. This is not a bad thing, it’s the wisdom that comes with experience. To a certain degree, the bravado of youth when it comes to riding or any other activity with physical risks is the same one that makes teenagers think nothing bad will happen if they drink and drive! Self preservation is an important life skill. Don’t measure your comfort level against anyone else’s or worse, against your younger self. Think about what you would be happy achieving and make it a goal. The right teachers,(both two and four footed) can get you there. Good luck!

[Quinn]

F Troop

[Lori]

I vote this as “Best BB topic for 2000”.
I wanted to post something like it, but I was too chicken, thinking I would be laughed at.
I am an F trooper all the way. Show for us “f’ers”? Perfect for me at this stage. I come from the “bareback over 3’ on 11.2hh ponies” school. Now I am tickled if I can go over 2’!!!
I have thought of hypnotism (sp?), but I am afraid of the “other” questions that would be asked of me
I have a really cool medium pony now, but he is kinda unpredictable on trails. I would love to enjoy trail riding with my hubby, but I tend to tense up. I just KNOW that tree is going to become a permanent part of me when J throws me into it.
And gosh forbid I actually FALL off. Then I would look like an idiot to everyone. Some of my fear comes from a bad accident when being thrown HARD and landing under pounding, bucking hooves. Some of my fear comes from my having to recognise my back disability and fibromyalgia (my muscles do not recover like a normal persons do when exerted, much less injured).
I feel like a hopeless case of stupidity. Riding has always been and will always be the foremost reason for my living. Nothing feels better than getting on my pony and feeling the movement underneath of me and becoming “one”.
Some days I can w/t/c/jump. Others I am too tense to canter.
I feel really stupid, as I have lots of ability and a natural knack for working with the ponies.
Hubby gets frustrated when I lose my nerve on a trail ride and I hear “you are too good a rider to be like that”. This, of course, frustrates me even more with myself.
sigh

[nyc_rider]

Dear Heidi,
Reading your question and the many responses sent chills done my spine. We are not alone!! After a long hiatus from riding, I started again in a lesson program on horses that were not suitable for me. I began getting tension headaches and nauseated at the thought of just cantering. I would cry sometimes to release the tension I felt. I was so miserable and scared I wanted to give up riding. Can you imagine wanting to give up your passion? Thankfully my husband, a non-horsey person, was supportive and suggested I try a different approach.

So I did what others have suggested - found an understanding trainer I trust implicitly. He never over-mounts me. I can’t express to you how much this has helped! Your husband is not listening to your concerns. You do not need additional pressure! Given your feelings, why would it be a great learning experience to ride horses that make you more tense and nervous? However, much as my trainer has helped me overcome my fears, they are not gone. Vapor Lock should be my nickname! I cannot afford an injury. I have to work. Crashing through an oxer or being thrown on to the ring rails is, unfortunately, something I can visualize all too easily. You have gotten a lot of helpful advice: good trainer; confidence-building horses; do what you feel you are capable of; drink; relaxation and visualization exercises; chanting positive messages (ala Jane Savoie); and BREATHE. These are all things I have tried and they help a great deal. However, I want to become a competitive rider despite my fears. This summer I made a commitment to my riding. I started a conditioning program, working on my fitness, flexibility and strength. I focused on my flat work and equitation. I set attainable goals, e.g., cantering a circle without irons. I even showed several times. (My first show was pathetic. I almost cried and threw up at the in-gate. I begged my trainer not to make me go in the ring. I even offered to pay if him he would let me skip the class. LOVELY!!) This has laid the foundation for me not to get wigged out when I fall off. With each goal I reach, I feel better. The key, though, for me has been figuring out of what I am so scared and fearful. For example, falling off at a jump in a showring was one of my most severe fears. Well it happened this fall! I got back on and finished my course. I LIVED THROUGH IT!!! It boosted my confidence, not that I don’t still vapor lock! I am not someone who can control her fear, steer, breathe, listen to instruction, and equitate when I get tense. My fear of falling is still there and will always be there. Falls don’t hurt any less, but being fit has helped a little. The difference is now I focus on figueing out why I fell off and not “ohmigod I fell off. I could have been crippled, killed, paralyzed! AAAAHHH!!” I hope this helps, but I tend to think that only you will be able to find the key to unlock your confidence.

[PD1]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Quinn:
PD…“hiding in the hunters?” Now, if you had said, hiding in the porta potty when your number is called, I could understand. But, “hiding in the hunters???”<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Quinn, I used to be the terror of the pony club jumpers (on my super dooper fast QH pony, there was nothing I wouldn’t jump and no turn I wouldn’t attempt). Eight years ago I had a horrific season filled with stops, falls, crashes and heartbreak. I haven’t set foot in the jumper ring since. Unless, of course, one counts the groom’s class at Collingwood. I did that once…on my old pony club pony who is now a slow old short stirrup mount.

Yes, I’ve showed the occassional hunter, with moderate success, but the thought of going back into the jumper ring filled me with terror and nausea. THAT’S “hiding in the hunters” to me.

It’s all about your own comfort zone. It’s really hard to push past the fear no matter what degree it is - getting on the horse’s back, jumping, hacking or going fast in the jump off.

PD

[Weatherford]

breathe breathe breathe

take your time

find a wonderful horse

don’t pressure yourself

breathe

(and avoid those oxers?)

take your time and don’t feel guilty about it!

[Quinn]

Heidi:

Please allow me to share my opinion on this one. I too have not only “been there” but am still there, slowly but surely getting more confident. I was never an overly confident rider but I did show successfully 3’6" hunter. That was 6 years ago and unfortunately what tends to creep in, is doubt and fear. I made a pact this year that I would do all I could to rectify that. I started my lessons again, do my absolute best to commit to riding 4 days a week and forced myself to show this past season. I didn’t do great but I did manage to get over a 3’ course without throwing up in his braids. I was so proud of myself, I am actually looking forward to the 2001 season.

Take each day as an opportunity to breathe, relax and push just a little bit more. Truly, I am loving it. At one show this year, I had nobody to go with me except my 17 year old student. While in the ring, I could have laughed out loud because out of this very young mouth, came my own typical words of encouragement and instruction. You see, she had no doubt I could do it because that’s all she has ever heard from me.

You go girl!!!

[Ninja]

Heidi…I lost my nerve somewhere in the last few years. I used to event at the preliminary with the sweetest, most genuine horse…never gave me a bad experience.

Because of school and work commitments I gave up showing for a few years. Didn’t really have time for lessons…but i still rode almost everyday. I got more involved with dressage, mainly due at the time to the lack of coach or ground person. Guess what??? I really enjoy dressage!! And I have stuck to it.

I still jump at home for fun…my youngster does enjoy it so much and grid work is great for both of us! But I will NEVER ride another x country course again so long as I live! No not even at entry level…I get nervous thinking bout it. And as I said I’ve never had a bad experience…just woke up one day and said no more jumping!!

I have been told that my new boy would make a great hunter…he has a canter to die for and has become quite flashy as he is now (hopefully) done growing. I could never win in a hunter ring!!! Never done it in my life!!! but for fun…one day if a FEEL like it and I regain some desire and confidence for jumping I might give it a go!

Ok sorry for the rambling on here but the more I type the more I feel like I am understanding my own fear! Part of me feels that maybe I should never had gotten so ambitious with the eventing…it’s a great sport…but you must be a bold rider to fully enjoy it. I never was a bold rider…I just happened to have the best horse in the world. I got physically ill the morning of x country clinics and events. When my coach used to say “we are going x-country schooling today” my legs turned to jello and the butterflies would be going haywire in my stomach. Everybody else in my lesson group got so excited, and at the end of the they would be yelling “what a rush!!!”…my knees would still feel like jello and yet I probably had the most controlled and trouble free day out of all of em!

I guess the bottom line here is that I am just a big chicken.

[Canter]

heidi - how about we up the bravery factor for you? Walk over one pole on the ground. Reward yourself with wine. Walk over the next pole, another reward with wine. By the 7th jump I’m sure you’ll be trotting!

[Deirdre_W]

I also am an “F Trooper” all the way. I’ll echo things already said here–I lost all my confidence after an episode with a poor trainer–shook like crazy even trotting the “X”. Found a new trainer, and a lovely animal who “saves me” all the time. Learned to trust the trainer, who never asks for more than I’m able to do (even though I may not realize WHAT I’m ready to do). Yes, the apprehension comes back from time to time, but boy, when you jump that course and everything is right, there’s no other feeling like it, and that’s what makes me keep on trying!

The “fear of not measuring up” is a really common thing, enough so that it has a name in psychological literature–“The Imposter Syndrome”. The name speaks for itself–and the syndrome is really quite common among professional women (not men, as much) such as doctors, lawyers, business exec’s…