What am I most afraid of today? That once I “confess” this, my BB friends will think badly of me … because, lord knows, I’m not thinking too highly of myself right now. 
I am deeply, deeply afraid that someone will answer the phone on the other end of the endless list of names and telephone numbers that I am being asked to call. That I will connect with someone who has lost a loved one. That the numbness and shock will suddenly wear away and I will be forced to confront that I am doing the one thing I’ve sworn I would never do in this job: Find disaster victims’ families.
I hate to admit this: I sent my father down his street this evening, because one of the people aboard one of the planes lived at the end of his street. I couldn’t reach anyone on the phone; but since I recognized the address… It’s a nice place, he tells me a short time later; freshly painted, well-kept lawn, car in the driveway. But he doesn’t know her; had never met her. So I’m left to wonder about who she was, this woman who chose my parents’ rural little oasis in Southern California to call home, who had the unfathomable bad luck to be on United Flight 175 on Tuesday morning.
Maybe I would have really, really liked her. Heaven knows I’ve ridden down the trail in front of her house innumerable times.
And I fear that, soon, the reality will set in that I’ve lost long-distance friends and colleagues. I know of at least two. I have no doubt that there will be more.
I am often proud of the job the media does. There have been times during the past endless hours that I have been moved beyond pride. But my colleagues have also made me cringe. My job right now is making me cringe. And for all of that, I apologize to all of you.
I’ve paused just long enough to touch base with people who understand that, for me, life is generally measured in nickers, squeals, snoogie marks on my T-shirts and dried horse sweat under my fingernails. My biggest fear is that that world will never tilt back on its axis. That the simple pleasures will never be quite so simple again.
Bulletin Board Goddess