The mental load of horse care…

[AusEventer]

Wasn’t too sure what to call this or where to post, but I just need to write this somewhere and have a damn good cry.

Elsewhere, I have posted about my little filly with the pastern joint infection. I have been a nervous wreck over the whole thing, but it is the tip of the iceberg.

A few weeks ago, I had 2 broodmares open a gate and escape somehow (whilst I was at a competition), go through a fence and run down the road. Luckily my husband saved the day, caught them (long story) and got vet out to stitch up a nasty leg wound on one of the mares. A few days later, my 2yo somehow fell over in the paddock and was unable to move. After some investigations and intense observation, he was cleared of any major injury, but it gave me a big scare. Then I got sick……and a few days later, found my filly broken leg lame with the infected pastern joint. It’s been a horrible few weeks of not knowing if she would make it. I have been a mess.

Fast forward to this morning. A client arrrived for a lesson and pointed to a field of mares and asked if one of them was the lame one (meaning the filly). I was then like a deer in the headlights to discover my beautiful (pregnant) TB mare on 3 legs. sob After some investigating (no wounds/trauma, vitals normal) and more freaking out - she appears to have stringhalt in her near hind. I’m now completely done (or undone…collapsed into a puddle of tears).

All of these have been completely out of left field incidents that I cannot attribute blame to anything, just really bad luck. However, it’s coming off the back of an exhausting stud season where it took a lot of money, effort and time to get my 3 mares in foal. I’m now faced with quite a few hefty bills and am shellshocked that 4 of my ‘favourites’ have had something bad happen to them in such a short space of time (nothing bad ever happens to the barren mare, the paddock companions or pensioners….).

I lost a young mare to renal failure 2 years ago, but (aside from losing a young pony to colic as a child) haven’t had quite such a bad run before or since. I expect disappointments, but all of this has hit me hard. I cannot bear any more heartbreak for a while. I don’t recall ever feeling so fragile over horses, but it is having the affect of making me not feel like riding and has me questioning if I can keep going with horses when the joy is gone. I’m scared to even look outside in the morning for fear of more injuries. Nearly 36 years of owning horses, you’d think I’d be more resilient? I’m very pragmatic with decisions over older horses, but this stress over younger animals is a very different beast. It’s impacting on a few of my health issues and my work. I never thought horses would cause me to need therapy, they were my therapy….

How do you all cope? What helps?
It is not helped by my extended family not being at all supportive. They think I’m nuts for crying over horses….

[Old_Mac_Donald]

Hey mate, know the feeling. I have five horses and all were unrideable. Mane man clipped a tendon, one mare has had a foal and developed summer sores so horrific she’d flip over rather than left you touch them, a foal with an abscess, an old horse with sunburn / scald / cancer, and a young, sound, mentally unrideable OTTB who would impale herself on every available fence……

Add in over a metre of rain, edged by two cyclones, our driveway collapsed, our dog needs a $5k ACL surgery… it’s been one after another after another. Feel like the worst pet owner, worst horse owner, worse wife (angry-depressed over the horses), why am I doing this?… Doesn’t help that bills have skyrocketed and my salary has gone from “great!” to “less steak more ramen” with the rising cost of food.

I love this quote from Bojack Horseman.

It Gets Easier (video)

Chin up.

PS. Counselling is good. It’s cathartic. It can be empowering (don’t be afraid to dump a bad one!). I hear you about needing therapy because of horses. I used to ride every day for hours. Now, my riding horse is a difficult fella, very spooky, can’t relax at all. The horse I bought as a trail horse is mentally fried and has been turned out for Dr Green - that was the straw that broke this camel’s back. I just want a Good Old Plod to enjoy.

[Bluey]

I am sorry lightning is striking in the same place again and again for you.

All I can say is, as you have touched on, there are times in life when therapy can be an immense help.
Mental health has improved tremendously in the past two decades, in the last one many new modalities have been brought out and refined.
Therapy today can be a great asset, especially when our emotions, that are a necessary part of our thinking and feeling balanced, are dominating our thinking in negative ways.

With so much happening in your life, do consider a bit of help from a professional.
It won’t heal your horses, it may make caring for them better by getting help to care for yourself too.

Years ago I had a similar time in my life, with dogs we were training and competing with them along with the horses.
Seems like we always had something happening with them, a new puppy the breeder’s vet missed was born with a terminal heart defect and was about to keel over dead any minute, a rattler killed my herding right hand dog and so on.

Those times take a toll on you, but looking back, eventually things righten back up.
Be happy with the wins against the fates of life, your yearling filly with the infected ankle is doing better, there are silver clouds to look for between the dark ones.

I hope that rainy cloud over you moves on soon and you can find enjoyment in your horses again, not fret over them.

[Obsidian_Fire]

Go ahead and cry. Scream, throw things, whatever you need to do. And you will probably need to do it again and again before you pull through this.
I only have one horse, but it seems like ‘all the things’ are happening either to her or to me, and sometimes I just wish I’d never heard of horses.

Many hugs to you.

[NancyM]

If it was easy, anyone could do it (be a horse owner and care taker). It’s not easy. It’s not cheap. Bad things will happen. You will overcome these things, and life goes on. Heartbreak is a way of life sometimes. You do the best you can, and hope for the best. Enjoy your successes. Celebrate your wins… because there ARE wins. Not only losses.

[TWH_Girl]

Wish there were grand explanations for why things pile on like this. It definitely is a huge challenge to our resilience. You keep thinking you can deal with it and then all of a sudden, you’re life, no more. I would weed out as much peripheral/non essential commitments as you can so you can free up time and emotional energy. Can you stop lessons for a while until your crew is healed and you feel stronger? Hopefully you don’t have boarders coming and going where you feel you have to put on a game face. That takes a lot of energy right there. Be selfish right now and stop doing for others and concentrate your focus on what you need to. Don’t do anything you don’t feel up to. Just get through each day one minute, hour and day at a time.

This year so far has been full of challenges. If it helps you to know- so many of us are weighed down by horse and other struggles.

[2DogsFarm]

OP, I’m a mere microcosm, with only 3 in my care at home.
But lately it feels like the thin ice beneath me may be all between me & "D"espair.
Yet, it’s Year 20 of me doing this solo, & I started in my 50s.
Though it seems every year has at least one catastrophe & usually more, there’s always enough Good so I keep on going.

Sending you Hope for the future

[Rackonteur]

I am very sorry all these bad things are happening to your horses and you, including the lack of support from your family. COTH is a good place to vent and cry and also to get virtual hugs as well as jingles and prayers and understanding.
Sending hugs and hopes to you along with prayers, and purrs from my cat. And a big virtual towel cuz sometimes a box of tissues isn’t enough!

[IPEsq]

In the past decade I’ve lived out West, I have gone through a lot of bad luck and heartbreak. But it really started to get to me when there was a trend forming where I could not seem to keep an animal alive and healthy past age 10. Cancers and colic, on top of managing other health issues not directly related to their death. Even my bestest horse tried really, really hard to off himself at age 9 in a freak paddock incident. He turns 12 tomorrow. My other current animals are 3 and 6 so they aren’t in the clear yet. Not only were the losses very sad of course but that trend of losing relatively young animals (even though the cats were technically on the cusp of being seniors) just hit me in a different way that was hard on my mental health. But I think I’d be worse off without them. Hugs.

[hallie2]

@AusEventer

I don’t recall ever feeling so fragile over horses, but it is having the affect of making me not feel like riding and has me questioning if I can keep going with horses when the joy is gone

The joy is gone today, not forever. Just because you don’t feel resilient at the moment, does not mean you aren’t resilient. I imagine you are quite resilient. Resilience is taking stock of your situation and moving forward; that is exactly what you are doing, by posting. As a psychiatrist, I am constantly moved and impressed by the human capacity for absorbing pain and loss and coming out stronger. Respect your feelings- this is a big loss and trauma. But one day you will look back on it from a better place.

[sammy14]

What has helped me with various protracted heart breaking horse problems is the idea of a time line.For example with a drawn out rehab program with uncertain outcome I give myself until ,say, end of May.
Financially, I put an amount on it early and try to stick to that (with varying success)
Until then I keep going exactly as the physio/vet instructs and don’t catastrophize (try not anyway)
By the time it comes to make a potentially distressing choice my subconscious has had time to get used to that idea somehow.
I also allot an amount of time each day to worry about the bad stuff and come up with potential solutions, I write a list, I don’t look at the list too much.That puts the worry outside my anxious brain.
I also take a certain amount of time each day to take a break,do something positive, be happy.
I have to remind myself that worrying over a damaged animal doesn’t do ANYTHING to help and actually reduces my ability to do something pro active.
Also to accept sometimes life is just very very hard, but it will get better.

[AusEventer]

Thankyou everyone for your kind words. It has helped being able to write it down and to know others share my pain.

I think my mare gave me such a fright yesterday as she really did look like she’d broken her leg. It was so soon after the life/death situation with my filly, I just felt the wind completely taken out of my sails. I didn’t have the physical/mental energy (nor finances!) to go through that situation again.

Today, she has improved. The jury is out as to whether its stringhalt, a pinched nerve or a gnarly abscess brewing. Her action with the hindleg is intermittent, but seems to go away with rest. So she’s in a stall, had a small amount of bute and we are watching and waiting.

She is otherwise very content and all vitals normal. I’m leaning towards a nerve issue - perhaps she slipped and strained something, although there is no outward signs of trauma, maybe some inner swollen soft tissues have impinged on the nerve that controls the hind leg? (the leg goes up towards her belly like a stringhalt, not dragged behind like a stifle lock). She sometimes walks almost normally, sometimes with an exaggerated hind leg.

I think part of my trauma response has just been due to the cummulative effect of horse problems, alongside a busy start in what is effectively a newish job role for me and the usual stuff associated with being an adult with kids and a lot of responsibilities. I always plan and budget for veterinary emergencies, however have to admit this year has come in well over budget. On the bright side - I have an emergency fund. Not everyone is so lucky.

I do love the good parts of horses, however have come to realise that at my current stage of life, it only takes one thing to upset the apple cart and my routine is out the window. I used to enjoy competing a lot, but since I started breeding horses, the care of the youngsters takes precedence over my riding time. I love to ride and have a lovely boy I’ve been competing on at a lower level, but compared to when I evented at 2* level, the drive to ride and train is just not the same anymore (it is also the end of our summer here and still stinking hot, so I tend to not ride as much now anyway).

I do think I will go talk to someone over my horse related stress and also need to somehow carve out some time to actually enjoy what I have. I work a lot to pay for it all, yet these days have little time to enjoy it. I finished 3 years of study in the middle of last year and honestly think I’m still suffering the burnout of being a working, studying middle aged parent!! (life was supposed to be getting easier….!)

[cristalle]

@2DogsFarm

lately it feels like the thin ice beneath me may be all between me & " D "espair.

This sentence hit home for me.
Despite being a very emotional, heartonmysleeve kind of person, I always considered myself to be resilient and durable.
You know “pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again”.
BUT not so much now, and as the OP said, the horses which were supposed to be our therapy are making me need/want therapy.
I finally went, and sat there crying my eyes out about the losses, my inability to move forward, and the counselor/therapist just said “try to think of the good things”.
I do try, and I do love my horses and am grateful for all of them, but right now all I see ahead of me is more pain and loss and grief.
I am sorry for what you are going through, OP. Wish I had an answer. For you and me.

[hallie2]

pain, loss and trauma come for all of us. an important thing is to distinguish between sadness and depression. depression is emptiness, not sadness. People w depression wish they could feel sad. If you are experiencing sleep issues, appetite changes, diminished energy, loss of interest in things which you formerly enjoyed, difficulty concentrating, slowed or agitated physical mobility (can barely move or agitated and pacing) and suicidal thoughts- it’s depression. You need not all of those, but most including depressed mood and loss of interest. Start taking an antidepressant- they work.

[AusEventer]

For me, situational stuff can trigger my ADHD/PMDD. The med shortages adds another stress.

I feel emotions in very bold colours, took me a while to realise not everyone does.

So, do need to take care of myself. x

[NancyM]

Hey, for some reason I was re thinking about this post, and the stringhalt issue came to mind again. Because do you know that there IS surgery to fix this? If you would like to fix it? I’ve had the surgery done on a horse, and it was fully successful.
It was a while ago now (15 years?) and at the time, the surgery was not well known, at least in my area. My #1 vet, who did a LOT of surgery at the TB track did not know about it, thought I was nuts. But another favourate vet of mine DID know about it, and had performed the surgery a few times, and was happy to give it a whirl. The horse was not functional as she was, it was the most horrific case of stringhalt I’ve ever seen. She could not canter, and her trot was also very bad. She had shipped in to me to be broke and begin race training. Nope, no way was this going to be possible. The surgery was her only hope.

I shipped her in to the local SB racetrack, where this vet and his partner worked. They had a rubber stall there, no table. I got to stay, and watch. They knocked her down in the stall. They made a cut above and below her hock, and removed a piece of tendon, including the point where a nerve attached. It slid out “like a pencil outta a pencil case” (which apparently was a very good thing). A couple of stitches top and bottom, and she was waking up, got up, reloaded her in the trailer and took her home. It all cost the owner $600. She was in a stall for a month to recover. And when I tried her again, she was FIXED. Walk, trot, canter just like a normal horse, lovely mover.
So, if you want to fix your stringhalt case, there ARE possible options for you to look into. And success is a possibility.

[Bluey]

50+ years ago, our barn had a large, big young TB dressage high level prospect that had developed stringhalt.
University clinic vet operated with horse standing up, little nick above hock, another below, a little spaghetti piece came out the bottom hole, horse was fixed.
Went on to make a very nice, competitive dressage horse, no more stringhalt funny high steps coming out of the stall.

[AusEventer]

The mare is no longer stepping high and is now sound in walk, but is a little uneven behind in trot. I am wondering if she actually slipped and pinched a nerve? I am keeping her confined and will do a lameness work up if it does not resolve soon. I don’t think it is stringhalt….

She is currently a broodmare and in early pregnancy, so obviously I would like her sound/comfortable enough to be ok carrying a foal to term - and to potentially return to ridden work post foaling. In 3 days she has gone from looking like she’d broken her leg, to very minor unsoundness. Horses….giving us heart attacks since time began.

[Bluey]

This is string halt.
That grey is what our horse did coming out of the stall, but it was less extreme after he walked around a bit and even less later.
The veterinarians that examined him thought he was a good candidate for the at that time new operation and he was, resolved the problem.
Your horse, OP, may not have stringhalt, that is a very specific problem.

Clinical Signs Of Stringhalt In Horses

[AusEventer]

She was walking with her near hind leg up near her belly, aka stringhalt like the video. We do get something called Australian stringhalt here, related to weed toxicity. However, as she has improved so rapidly, I think it is something else.