Tips for lost confidence

[Willesdon]

Over my decades I’ve had periods when I’ve completely lost my confidence due to falls, crazy horses, crazy situations. My discovery is that my own health makes a huge difference to how confident I feel.

My confidence fell away for no reason related to the horse, the environment, the lessons - but my diabetes was becoming really unstable. Sorted the diabetes, confidence came back.

I now go to see my McTimony chiro any time I fall, whatever the reason. I was sitting on a slope when Fence Judging and when I leant down to put something on the ground beside me the chair continued to fall sideways with me in it. Hardly a major crash and it caused much mirth. However, a couple of days later I noticed my neck was stiff when driving so I saw my Chiro. Her comment was “You needed a surprising amount of work for such a small incident!”

[EVneo]

Comparison is the thief of joy, my friend. Kiss a velvety snoot, get a good deep whiff of barn smell and think about the horse crazy 7 year old inside of you that would be soooo excited to have their own horse. Like you said, it’s supposed to be your happy place!

[shadesofbay3]

the irony of me posting this thread and now this happening

go out today to ride after a long rough week.

it’s cold and they stayed in last night so i lunged to get any sillies out. we started in the indoor and all was well. did a little walk trot.

we were supposed to ride in a clinic tomorrow so i figured i would try to get outside before the sun set and get a bit of canter in.

we go outside and no sooner did we get one or two laps around at the walk then he reared, and i mean REARED straight up. multiple times. first time i stuck it. second time i came off

i just give up

[red_mares]

After the Mare From Hell, I took a long break from having a horse, at least 5 years from owning and probably 10 from when I’d last driven. Somehow, time healed a lot of wounds and when I started back in a low stress situation situation, with a couple of semi-suicidal horses I was fine. I think I had enough to worry about with them that I didn’t have time to worry about me.

[chocolate_chip_in]

Nothing constructive to share that hasn’t already been said, but I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry. That sounds horrible.

[Lunabear1988]

Rearing scares me straight and I know many professionals that won’t mess with rearing. I’m so sorry. I’m glad you are okay though.

[Ajierene]

I rode a really nice horse once that was initially great in the arena and at 11 or so, had done a good deal, was a former race horse and to our understanding had shown. He came with another gelding from some trainer who wasn’t riding them much.

First thing I noticed was how upset he got outside of the arena - determined he just DIDN’T like being out-of-arena. It wasn’t rearing but it was increased tension, then bucking, and increasing tempo until we turned around. I tried to work it out of him, including getting off and leading him but it was clear, out of arena time was not his cup of tea.

I was in a lesson and he bucked me off right after a jump. We thought it was just a fluke like maybe I landed wrong. But then he bucked me off again when we were just trotting around the arena.

My trainer had him checked out - no issues. It was then determined that he just DIDN’T want to and we figured that’s why former trainer stopped riding him. The other gelding he had come with was the owner’s daughter horse and the gelding I was riding was supposed to be a sale horse…both horsed ended up just being pasture puffs (in the literal sense, they were like twice as wide as they were big) and INSEPARABLE! (throw absolute TANTRUMS if you brought one out of the field without the other).

Anyway…all that to say when I read your first post I thought it may have been a reaction to your nerves and had a suggestion. With the new post I am wondering if he is more like that gelding that just DIDN’T WANT TO. It could be one of those things where he reared and got put away right away so decided that’s a good way to communicate he wants to go home and get his way. I’m riding a mare now that as soon as she doesn’t something naughty and gets put away, it takes a few tries before she decides it won’t work every time - but her naughty is stopping and refusing to move.

Either way, not sure this is the horse for you - you seem to want to have fun, not have a project and go through all that work. Rearing is also one of my least liked traits. I strongly suggest sending him to a trainer to see if it’s a case of “I don’t want to be out of arena” or something else.

[Leather]

@floppyammy

EMDR therapy was an absolute game changer for me. It was like witchcraft! I highly highly recommend you look into this.

Ditto on either EMDR or Brainspotting. I did EMDR years ago when I first developed riding anxiety and it really helped. A few years ago it came back (after some bad experiences with new horses) so I tried Brainspotting. I found that to be a little more effective, but it’s very personal which might work better.

I feel for you. I grew up riding and wasn’t the bravest rider but never had true fear. But after some bad experiences and getting older I lost my nerve. It’s devastating when the thing you love winds up creating that “pit of despair” inside of you.

[shadesofbay3]

so a bit of an update

my horse is going to training on saturday. a month to start and we will see from there. i haven’t put the idea of selling him out of the realm in my mind but that’s not what i really want to do. however if he rears under saddle again , there’s no question about it

i forced myself to get on today. i was petrified and my trainer had to literally walk beside me… all i did was walk in a small circle around the arena for like 5 minutes and was petrified the whole time.

this isn’t fun and i was also told this morning that he went up coming in from the field but that all the horses were acting up. i get that it’s cold and he’s fresh and a baby but that is unacceptable behavior. idk if i should be as concerned about it on the ground (obviously it will be corrected), but is it going to translate to under saddle?

3/4 of me wants to continue with the plan and send him to training and 1/4 of me wants to cut my losses and sell him before i get seriously hurt

[fivestrideline]

@shadesofbay3

i forced myself to get on today. i was petrified and my trainer had to literally walk beside me… all i did was walk in a small circle around the arena for like 5 minutes and was petrified the whole time.

I would sell this horse just based on this. Even if he hadn’t gone up. If he has scared you this bad, it will be very hard to conquer it with him as a mount. You need something else, if only to break the association.

@shadesofbay3

this isn’t fun

It is supposed to be fun.

@shadesofbay3

i was also told this morning that he went up coming in from the field but that all the horses were acting up. i get that it’s cold and he’s fresh and a baby but that is unacceptable behavior. idk if i should be as concerned about it on the ground (obviously it will be corrected), but is it going to translate to under saddle?

I’d say yes, since he’s done it under saddle. It may only be when he’s fresh and in a situation that hasn’t set him up for success - but other horses freaking out nearby isn’t something you can control 100% of the time. Especially not at a show or on a trail ride. And it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to deal with that.

@shadesofbay3

3/4 of me wants to continue with the plan and send him to training and 1/4 of me wants to cut my losses and sell him before i get seriously hurt

Listen to that 1/4. Please. Before you get hurt. Do you think you still actually want to ride? Because it sounds like he’s likely to scare you so bad you don’t get back in the saddle. Do you just want to hang out on the ground with him? (Are you even comfortable handling him on the ground?)

I’ll reiterate an earlier point - if you’re scared of this horse, and your coach won’t get on to maintain any progress and good behavior the off-site trainer installs, this is not the horse for you right now. If he comes back a model citizen, he’s still green. And you already admitted to being a bit of a less-brave rider before all of this.

If you have access to some bombproof lesson horses and/or the budget to buy one, maybe send this guy to training for a few months and see. But if not, sell this horse and lease or buy something you feel safe on.

(ETA: this is said with love, and all the hope in the world that you find happiness in the saddle again! And I’ve personally held on to horses that weren’t a fit because I liked them, so I get that. I’ve regretted not moving on sooner every time.)

[shadesofbay3]

thank you so much . i know i want to ride, its my biggest passion!

my trainers are making it sound like i will be able to get my confidence back relatively easy but i dont feel like it will be that easy

my biggest fear though is selling him and regretting it im just so confused and now he’s scheduled to leave saturday so i feel like i need to make a decision

i don’t know how to deal with the feeling of loving him and accepting that he may need to be sold

[fivestrideline]

Sending hugs. I totally get it - I’ve never met a horse I didn’t like, so there’s a reason I’m not allowed to bring cash and a trailer to ride potential purchase horses. It’s hard to be objective when you like them, and even harder when you’ve had them a while.

@shadesofbay3

my trainers are making it sound like i will be able to get my confidence back relatively easy but i dont feel like it will be that easy

Do your trainers have a history of working through import greenies and producing solid citizens? Do they have a history of working with riders that are less confident and may carry some baggage? Neither of these skills are ones that every trainer has, and you need BOTH from your coaches if you continue with this horse.

Didn’t these trainers have a hand in the first horse you returned, as well as this one? I’m not bashing them, as there could be all kinds of factors involved in the horses you chose. However, two horses in a row haven’t worked out and now they’re sure your confidence will come back easily - despite it being shaky before the big fancy greenies? Despite being so shaken that you needed a leadline to walk your horse? The unforgiving side of me wants to ask if they’re also telling you they’ll train and show him on your dime… but you said they won’t get on him so I’ll leave that alone. Perhaps they just like having a fancy young horse in the barn, or perhaps they just don’t really appreciate your situation.

Re-quoting your OP:

@shadesofbay3

my last horse really sent my confidence into the gutter. as someone who has been riding my whole life, i have had a variety of horrible falls, ranging from no injuries to concussion and broken bones (including my back) being younger i would ride and jump anything but being in my mid 30s now i’m more aware of my limitations and past injuries

Then you managed to get a trade, and got another young green WB that has scared you even more.

Can you afford two? For potentially years? Because as much as you like this youngster, he’s not for you. And he may never be. You need something absolutely saintly - and likely not fancy or recently imported - until you build some confidence. And then you’ll need something with more buttons that won’t buck or rear when you lock up or get in your head. You need that while this horse is in full training getting miles to maybe become a horse you can ride easily - and he may never become that horse.

I’m not a coach. But I have worked with kids and adults helping them through some of the things you are feeling because I’ve felt them myself. I don’t think you’re getting back on this horse in 30 days and trotting off happily into the sunset. Especially if you aren’t riding other things confidently.

I think you deserve to sit on a horse that brings you joy in and out of the saddle, one that makes you feel safe enough to get to where you want to be. Mental coaching may be a chunk of this, but unless you have other horses to ride, I’m still suggesting you sell him. Cry about it, sit with the odd relief of never having to face that again, and see what your next steps are.

[RedHorses]

Don’t worry about regret. It’s not real. This worry about regretting selling him is a cover for losing the dreams you have built around him. It’s fear of losing the dreams with him, and fear of never finding another horse to realize your dreams.

You are allowed to (and should) grieve the loss of those dreams with him. It’s okay, and healthy because it is a real loss. It might also help you bring your dreams into the open where you can examine them and decide how realistic they are, and either what steps to take next to get there, or create new dreams.

I’ve had two horses who’s careers were abruptly cut short, and I had to grieve the dreams I had for them. I once literally dreamed of riding the first one on a cross country course and jumping all the things, and woke up crying because it could never happen. I had that horse for another seven years after giving up my dreams for him. Grieving the loss of my dreams was entirely separate from losing my horse. I only had the second horse for six months after losing my dreams, but I still went through that process.

[VodkaRedbullx2]

I will second emdr. That stuff is magikal.

I had a coach really destroy my confidence. Then I changed it up and started riding with people that were currently performing at higher levels in the sport and they were always so kind and constructive - it helped me realize I was in a toxic place with coach. So their input helped my confidence. Maybe get a different trainer or instructor?

I hired a sports psychologist and it helped.

But I would do 2 things in you’d situation. Riding at night in the dark and cold can be fearful this time of year so I would add draw reins, second I would lunge your horse forward into contact (sidereins or reins tied under stirrups) because your horse has a sticky hind leg, and maybe bit up a little because you are fearful - not because yo I need it but because if something were naughty it would extinguish the behavior.

Or just have a gummy before you get on! And ace that horse!

I say that jokingly - different strokes for different folks.

[Pico_Banana]

I responded in your other thread, but wanted to add some thoughts here specifically on your confidence.

First, there are so many “new” safety options these days. Get them! I ride wearing a MIPS helmet, a Hit Air vest, and Tech Venice safety stirrups. My confidence is good these days but I’m pretty sure it would plummet if I didn’t have my air vest and MIPS helmet. Back when my confidence was still recovering, I wore a Tipperary under my air vest. All of these are good to have from a safety standpoint, but don’t discount what they can do for your CONFIDENCE.

Second, and relatedly, take advantage of whatever calming supplement works for you and your horse. There is NO SHAME in using either, whether it be temporary to get you through a rough patch or permanent. SAFETY FIRST is the rule. Feel free to double up on some of the calming supps for your horse. I really like SynChill and use it before rides when I think it’s a good idea for safety reasons (usually cold windy days because I only ride outside). But you could also put him on a daily magnesium supplement in addition to SynChill. I like SmartCalm Ultra myself. I know some people will give you (or me) a hard time about this but if the alternative is to stop riding, I know what my choice is. And yes, there are calming supplements for humans, too. Rescue Remedy is a good one but there are others.

Third, work on your own riding fitness off the saddle. I really like the Rider Pilates Club. I feel so much more stable and secure in the saddle these days than I ever have before, even back when I was doing lots of yoga and Pilates and technically in better shape than I am today.

Fourth, find a confidence builder to ride! It doesn’t need to be fancy or well trained or anything other than a solid citizen. Spend some time doing walk trot only. Be okay with it being a dinky trot. Do some longe lessons on a horse that is good on the longe. (Try to find a vaulting coach who will give you longe lessons! I did this and it was amazing! Those horses are PERFECT on the longe.) When you feel mostly up to it - because you might not ever feel completely up to it - canter on a horse with an easy canter. Do it on the longe the first time if that is what you need. Come over to my place and I’ll let you canter on my gelding. I joke that everyone should learn to canter on a horse like him because it’s so smooth, effortless, and easy. He makes you feel like you’re ready for the Olympics. Maybe for you it’s a nice, older QH with a canter that is really flat. Whatever it is, take baby steps! Each time you do something “new,” your reaction should be smiles and laughter and FUN, not fear. That’s how you know you are ready for that new step.

Fifth, give yourself TIME to recover your confidence. It took a while to lose it and it’s going to take a while to get it back. That’s okay. There’s no timeline you need to follow other than your own comfort level.

I don’t know if your horse is the right horse for you, but all of these things will help you, regardless of whether you keep him or not. I really wish you the best of luck. I had a bad fall a number of years ago and my confidence definitely took a hit. (See comment re air vest above - it seriously is my security blanket.) But I am doing totally fine now. And you can get there, too.

[cmdrcltr]

I have been and in some ways am still right there with you. Confusion is an apt word for it, and it’s a darn uncomfortable feeling.

It’s why I still have the mare I have and sometimes find myself in situations that trigger my own riding anxieties. It isn’t fun. It’s harder when you work through some things and find success, and then whatever it is that scares you rears its ugly head again. (You can see that in the thread I started.)

It’s okay to both send your horse for training and to sell him. The training will help make him more saleable. I’m going to try to find opportunities to ride some other horses while still riding my mare, just to see how other horses feel. Maybe if a good fit falls in my lap, I’ll go for it. While your horse is in training, you could use the opportunity to ride some schoolmasters to see how that feels.

Also, you can still love him and accept that he needs to be sold. Those two things aren’t exclusive. You would be loving him enough to see that he needs more than you can give right now.

Hugs to you.

[findeight]

With me, once I hit my 40s, once I lost my confidence with a horse due to falls or bad behavior, I was done. Lost the desire to make it work and moved them along to somebody more suitable for them and got myself something suitable for me at that place in time, no prospects, no maybe mights, saintly older lease horses safe right now. Then a more suitable horse when I was ready.

Thinking you need to send him out for training and get him on the market. Right now he is too green for you, at best. Thats a legit and respected reason to sell and he has not gained any reputation for being a bad actor. Yet, as he will if you continue as you are or, worse, have issues or he unloads you at a show.

IME, Green WBs are not the fastest learners out there, particularly when it comes to scary stuff. They need consistent, very managed rides and alot of them. Not something many older adult riders find fun and relaxing. Add the rearing he now has in his repertoire ( and js burned into your brain) plus the cold weather ahead and, IMO, somebody else is better able to deal with that.

Recommend looking for an older saintly lease or part lease horse. Or take the winter off, spend the horse money on a cruise or week down south. Then come back with a better idea of what you want to do. That might be a non jumping discipline…Dressage or even Western can be fun and confidence building with much lesser chance of falls. You don’t have to prove anything to anybody so pick something that does not scare you and a horse who wants to take care of you.

While you are at it…not sure trainers here have your best interests and safety in mind if they are doing multiple training rides and you are not able to do what you would like to. Even with the Pro rides and lunging first, him rearing with you is a clear yellow if not red, flag. IMO.

Might be a good idea to look at other options. But don’t let him suck the confidence out of you when he is very sale-able and can find a good home with a better matched rider.

[floppyammy]

OP, in response to your update:

I have shared my story on a few threads. I bought a young WB gelding with a great brain. I brought him pretty far along over 3 years, with extensive professional help. He was really good 99% of the time. But young horses are gonna horse, and the 1% of the time that he was naughty, I couldn’t stick it and had some pretty tough falls. My confidence was shot - to the point that I thought I might be done riding completely. I sold that horse and 6 months later, after working on myself, bought a 15 year old horse and am having the time of my life. My new horse is an absolute packer and has brought back all the joy and fun again. I go to the barn with a grateful heart, because I know I am going to have a safe, fun time. Riding is supposed to be fun. If you doing this as a hobby and you are not having fun, it’s time to make some changes.

[RedHorses]

@Pico_Banana

you could also put him on a daily magnesium supplement in addition to SynChill. I like SmartCalm Ultra myself. I know some people will give you (or me) a hard time about this but if the alternative is to stop riding, I know what my choice is.

If magnesium works to calm the horse it’s because the horse’s body needs more magnesium than it was getting in their food.

With my horse, magnesium seemed to reduce his reactivity, giving him a little space to think and assess if the big reaction was needed. That gave me a better opportunity to do some training to help him release the anxiety from little incidents. The difference after six months was huge, and he kept improving.

[redandwhite]

Something similar happened to me. For me it was finding the right horse that got my confidence back, but it took a few years and a lot of different horses for me to stop panicking at mounting up. It took a lottt of time. I also got a MIPS helmet and an air vest which makes me feel a little bit safer.