Tips for lost confidence

[fivestrideline]

Also, I went back and read your other thread about this horse.

• you are an ammy with a history of injury including a broken back. This has made you a bit more cautious
• this is the 2nd horse from (an overseas?) seller, on trade for the first
• 6YO WB that had been sitting for a year, but “had more miles” than the other
• 3 inches taller than advertised, and you’re short and wanted shorter
• canter is still not consistent, without “tricks”
• needed lameness evaluation for the canter. PRP, lunging rehab, canter is better but not really there
• canter is big, horse is big, he doesn’t really steer. He’s got some energy. This is a lot for you physically to handle, understandably
• horse has scared you on the ground
• horse has scared you from the saddle, including rearing
• your trainers will not ride him due to the rear
• current training barn says he’s greener than expected based on your/your trainers’ evaluation

This is a perfect example of a mismatch between horse and rider. I really feel for you OP - and I understand the fear of regret! I think there’s more to regret if you keep trying to force a square peg into a round hole though… hugs again. And I hope you keep riding safe schoolies while you work this out!

[trubandloki]

@fivestrideline

Don’t ignore your gut instinct. Here or regarding the horse. I am struggling to understand your trainers’ take here. If you were having success but just worried about moving up a level or something that’s one thing.

It makes sense if you look at the part where the OP is trying really hard to not sell this horse. Read their posts here, and notice how much this person is trying to make this horse work. Their trainer can be hearing this from them too and is trying to support them in their desire to make this horse work.

It is easy to turn those comments from the person riding the horse now into a positive if that is how you want it to be.

To clarify, I too think the OP should sell this horse so they can go back to enjoying riding. I just will not find fault in people who are trying to help the OP keep a horse that the OP is saying they want to keep.

[fivestrideline]

Maybe. I think it can be read either way. I think a trainer with their client’s best interest in mind would come out and say “hey, if he scares you, why don’t you consider selling him and we can look for something more suitable?”. Or “I think the training barn will help him a lot and he just needs miles. But if you don’t feel comfortable with him, we can talk about selling and finding something else”. Not “you can only sell him once” (the underlying message being he’s too nice to let go and irreplaceable. Which isn’t true.).

I’m not saying OP’s trainers are being shady, or vindictive, or definitely for sure taking advantage of them and their willingness to keep throwing money at this issue. I’m hoping OP will really take a hard look at where their trainer’s priorities are - if they’re waiting on the trainer to “give permission” to sell, I don’t think it’s going to happen unless someone ends up in the ER. And the horse might be significantly worse off in that case.

OP has admitted they’re indecisive, partially because their trainers are saying one thing while their gut is saying another. I’ve very rarely regretted trusting my gut on things - I hope OP will think hard about their goals and the choices that will make THEM happy, not their trainers or strangers on the internet.

[cmdrcltr]

@shadesofbay3

i just have always been so indecisive you guys. i’m scared i am going to sell him and regret it. i know there are other horses other there and i know i can find something else that is a good (and even better match) - but before this we really were doing ok, even with some green moments. as my trainer has said, “you can only sell him once” so i’m scared to sell him and then want him back …

on the other hand, everyone is right - there’s no point if it’s not fun and i’m constantly scared and on edge.

Hugs to you, OP. I could write this or something very similar. My family jokes about our indecisive gene, and I’ve always struggled with drawing a line regarding my horses, whether it’s selling or buying.

I’m worried that if I sell my current horse, who also can have some behavior that scares me, I will never find one that is any better (not necessarily more athletic) in the price range I can afford. When I have good rides/good progress, I think to myself, “Why would I sell?” But then when a behavior happens that triggers my own anxieties, I wonder what it would feel like to sell and find another horse. Would it be regret or relief?

Be patient with the current trainers who have your horse, but perhaps sit down with your trainer and see if you can honestly discuss your fears, your goals, and how they are prepared to help you.

[mika0116]

Chiming in to say OP - let go to the ego and have fun again…

I prided myself on being a “good rider” I lived and breathed that I was the quiet former dressage rider that can make a super hot horse calm in a rubber snaffle.

I had / have some MAJOR gaps in my jumping education which were not DIRECTLY addressed by previous trainers… but I pushed through walls (people pleasing old trainers and going against my gut as @fivestrideline says & leaning into what was becoming a tremendous ego built like a house of cards. This ended up leading to 2/5 lease horses from ages 25-30 giving me MAJOR confidence issues.

Now after a several year hiatus (for the 2nd time as an adult) I am on a schoolmaster

Currently I am relearning my jump position (ASS OUT OF TACK EVEN OVER 2’3 - not to be mistaken with ducking and overfolding, but not sitting like a dressage rider). I leave my ego at the door - I am jumping .70s and am nowhere near the 1m rider I used to be - but I am finally addressing that I was one with major gaps in my jumping education and confidence issues.

I enjoy my skills as a talented flat rider who gets comments of “omg I’ve not seen Gelding with a topline that nice in years, he’s really looking fit and happy” “Oh they’re so cute - he’s teaching her to use her hamstrings over the little solid gates without freaking her out & she’s got such a soft way of getting him responsive to the aids again”

I look forward to my rides - I am planning to show again next year - I am laughing off my minor steering errors on the big hunter/eq gelding that I previously would have called a “timid AA’s ride because he is a PUSH ride”. He’s complicated in his own way, but in a way that doesn’t have me sitting on a nappy young animal that rears. I feel fundamentally pretty safe on him, even during “bad” rides where I f*ck up the lead change and he gives me a hop to say “get it together lady, these old bones need your seatbone out of my opposite lead”

Let go - we aren’t paid professionals - no one cares about how “good” you are.

It’s supposed to be fun (and we pay a sh*t ton to participate - might as well smile while you burn cash).

[knic]

Check out what is for sale in your price range. Maybe go sit on a few. You may feel a lot different about missing out on this one once you see what other fish are in the sea.

[MsM]

Wait, your “trainer” who wont ride your horse is discouraging you from selling?

I board with a number of other adult riders. All of us have had to face that we are not the same type of rider we used to be. We are much more reluctant to take chances. We have had to make peace with the idea that it is okay to ride more conservatively and to choose horses that we can enjoy. Even if we make less “progress” than our younger selves would have.

I would let the trainer now working with the horse know that the horse is available for sale (and discuss commission if he sells while with them). Your trust in this horse is broken, even if he can be trained out of most bad behavior. I don’t think you would enjoy him for a long time, if ever, so move on and find another (perhaps humbler) horse you can enjoy!

[cutter99]

@shadesofbay3

for those who have sent horses to training before - what was the format in which the trainers kept in touch with you?

I have a “cowboy” who starts my young horses for me. He was highly recommended to me, and I have sent him multiple horses in the last 7-8 years.

I usually give him 2-3 weeks before I contact him after sending him a horse. My mindset is he will contact me if there is anything issue with the horse or there is something he needs.

I have ridden with enough trainers to know I don’t want to be “that” person- the one who is constantly needing an update or a hand held. I researched who I was sending my horses to and know what the trainer is doing with them, and also know if there is an issue or concerning they will be in touch with me. I also tend to not visit during the first month. I know my trainer is doing his job, and he doesn’t need me there looking over his shoulder.

I know he has customers who call and/or show up daily. I also know I have an open invitation to go with with him anytime, even after my horses have come home, because I am not a PIA while my horses are there.

Give the trainer time. Good training doesn’t happen in any certain amount of time. It is very variable from horse to horse. I have sent some for a 90 day stretch, only to have my trainer call me and say come and get him- he is ready for you to take home- at a month. I have never had any go over what time they were originally sent for.

I have also gotten the phone call of “Come get this SOB and move her on as quickly as you can”. She was only at the trainer’s 10 days and had come unglued so many times that we knew she was never going to change.

Another thing to keep in mind is the method you use to communicate. Some trainers are great with texts, others not so much. Ask your trainer what their preferred method of communication is.

And always remember, there is no shame in saying this is not the horse for you, and parting company.

[seriously1]

I am not sure if this applies to you or not - but I will say that my anxiety and fear levels went up quite a bit when I hit menopause. This is also worth investigating.

Once I opened up at bit more about this at the barn - the people I am with were quite supportive.

Also, this is supposed to be enjoyable and if it’s not, it is time to choose for yourself what you need.

[IndysMom]

Many years ago I owned a horse that almost ended my riding forever. At the very least she left me with a lifelong fear that took a very bery long time to get over.

She was a bolter. She would drop her left shoulder, spin left and bolt. Sometimes I stayed with her and sometimes I didn’t. I sent her away for six months of training. She did well and even was 1st year green at a local hunter series. When I got her back it took TWO WEEKS to go back to bolting. After she dumped me-resulting in a serious back injury , I got rid of her. But the fear took years and several steady horses to diminish in any significant way.

So, this is why I say sell him and get something fun. Learn from my mistake in keeping her as long as I did.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

Any updates, OP? Regardless of what you decide, I hope you’re okay and have more/better information to make a decision you’re comfortable with.