My dad was always tougher on me than any trainer I had – he used to make me cry a lot, if I made a mistake, even in lessons. I say “was” – he’s not dead, but he has changed. We have a decent-good relationship now, not super close, but not like before either. He was a complete backseat trainer.
I do NOT think that experience made me a better rider, because I was too hard on the horses, too focused on being “perfect” and stuff like getting the horse in a “frame” (because my dad knew enough to know what it looked like when it was good/what won in the show ring, but not enough to tell if the horse was truly moving from behind), too much drilling (because I got in trouble if I made a mistake – if I missed to a jump (literally 1 jump), I wasn’t taking this seriously enough and all the horses and lessons would go away), too much blame on the horses/tack if something went wrong to try to deflect from me (like “horse is pulling, we need another bit”). It wasn’t always like that, but it happened many times over a couple of years and never really knew when it was going to happen, so I was worried all the time. All the lectures happened in the car, never in front of other people.
I think that trainer at the time was “good enough”. Like not dangerous or terrible, and we did a lot of flatwork and no stirrups and all that, but it was kind of “going through the motions” and not effective or enough past a certain point. In hindsight, I would say a decent enough beginner-intermediate barn trying to play at A-circuit level, but for someone wanting to start jumping and showing seriously, not the greatest – I did jump up to 3’6 with her, but there was also a lot of basic riding issues that never got addressed; I had good enough horses to cover for them, for a while. She was not abusive, but I’m pretty sure she was a functional alcoholic – we left when the functional part noticeably declined.
Probably the best thing that happened for my riding was simultaneously getting my driver’s license, moving to a new trainer, and my dad kind of losing interest in the horses – he was starting to mellow a little already by then, so maybe he realized his behavior was Not Great.
This trainer was very firm and took equitation extremely seriously, even for hunters and jumpers. She wanted everyone to be the most effective rider they could be. She was stingy with praise with the riders, not with the horses. It was ALWAYS the rider’s fault. Never blame your horse (you missed the lead change, you chipped, you swapped leads, you’re causing horse to pull or flip his head, etc). You were only allowed two feelings on a horse: humor and patience. If you were getting frustrated, you got off and cooled down. End on a good note: if that takes 20 minutes, then your lesson is done. If it takes an hour, that’s how long it takes. You never repeat an exercise more than 2-3 times in one ride, when you’ve done it properly, so you’re not drilling on the horse.
You really had to earn a “good job”, but she didn’t yell either (unless you were goofing off or not trying). I thought/still think she’s fantastic. I’m not sure if everyone thought so. I’m sure there were people who thought she was harsh or unfair. She made other people cry (but never me – after my dad, this was nothing). Some people left. Maybe they didn’t like that she wanted them to work on the basics, on educating their leg and developing independent aids, rather than jump bigger or go to shows right away. She was also not really tactful – if she thought your riding was sloppy, she’d tell you, no couching it in nice terms (is that harsh? I don’t know – it wasn’t to me, I thought it was honest and fair, because she was right and gave me direction on how to fix it. But I know not everyone took it well, so maybe it was harsh). If she didn’t think your horse was suitable, she’d tell you that too.
I loved this training program, it was amazing, and the result is that I knew where I was on every/any horse I got on. And if I could be balanced, so could the horse. So this is what “between the leg and the hand” means, and “ride every step”. It got to be subconscious, I could feel what the horse was going to do almost before he moved his leg – and how to ask him to move it where I wanted, every step, at the trot and canter. Because I could maintain a good, through canter, I knew where I was to the jumps. Magical. And my dad finally, at like my last junior show, said “maybe riding is not as easy as it looks” and that I was doing a good job.
Anyway. I wish every trainer could teach like her. She has a real gift for it. I don’t miss showing that much, but I miss riding at that level. And the other people at the barn – we all just got along too, which was really nice. I think I follow directions well – like if trainer told me I could jump 4’ or the open water, despite never doing so before, I did it. It’s good and bad, I think, depending on who’s telling you what to do and what they’re telling you. At some point, I also had to learn to be assertive and figure out what to do on my own, instead of taking direction – I think this is called adulting? 
