Then too no one is all in, driven in every aspect of their lives. For someone doing something for enjoyment choosing to say nope, too much effort/risk involved has no bearing on their character or grit. For all an outside observer knows they are the top gun in their day job, and strive to be better every day. That’s where they put their grit. Maybe they ride because the horse demands nothing and offers a different kind of partnership. There may not be any need for them to show grit in their day to day horse activity.
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I was «raised» with that mentality. Get Back On, unless you’re so crippled you need to go to the hospital (which actually happened to me when I was a kid, horse bolted while riding back to the barn, I fell off, broke my arm, horse was nowhere to be found lol).
Tough military instructors.
Thinking back, they could have been sued for, as one example, forcing a kid with a broken rib to get back on.
So for the longest time I went by that state of mind. Get back on right away unless you really, REALLY can’t. So I rode with a broken hand, I rode with a badly bruised shin (thought it was broken until I went for x-rays but the doctor still gave me crutches it was so bad lol)
Now that I am in my 50ies, I know better. 
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There’s also a fairly widely acknowledged phenomenon whereby women who have small children can become much more risk averse compared to their younger selves because they know they need to stay alive for their children.
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This is a good point and it hit me personally. (No small children involved though.)
I am much more risk adverse since my abdominal organ transplants. They don’t have the nice natural protection like native organs do. I have to make decisions based around their longevity and function. If they take a large blow from a fall from a horse of all things, they could get damaged, and not only would I be in a world of hurt, but my quality of life would drastically decline.
For me riding (once i get back in the saddle) will be a privilege. It took a lot of perseverance and grit to get back on a horse. In everyday life, people comment on my toughness because of said perseverance and the achievements I completed while a shell of a human being. The equestrian world wouldn’t know this, so if someone judges my character without the whole story, it’s just really, really sad.
So most definitely yes, when I have a fall, I will be done riding for the day, even if it looked like no biggie. It’s not as if I have a portable ultrasound to lug around with me to give me a go-ahead.
This all seems to tie into youth and a lack of empathy, I reason. Horses rely on their people to take care of them, but once life takes a person in certain directions or exposes them to other avenues of necessity, cavalier or rigid attitudes evolve into shades of grey.
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It’s interesting that of everything I said, you picked the pieces that appear to agree with your original points and asked me to expand on those. Let me respond in this way:
The mentality you express is that there is only one way to Rome and that path is rocky, pitted, lined with broken wagon wheels and monster craters and the remains of those who have tried and failed. The way you have expressed it, if you can’t make it down that path come hell or high water, or refuse to even attempt it, you are showing mental weakness and you have clearly stated this is character fault in your mind.
Experience has taught me that one of the underlying reasons so many have a hard time developing true mental toughness is because of this very idea that there is only one way to Rome. Grit is something you develop with experience, specifically experience trying and failing, rinse and repeat, over and over while managing to carry on trying. It takes time. It takes practice. Honestly, it often takes some guidance, too, from someone who has been there and lived through it and come out the other side and can offer encouragement when you’re struggling. And during all that time spent practicing, you develop empathy for those who haven’t made it as far as you have because you now understand what it’s like to struggle.
At some point you very well might be able to take that rough road to Rome and come out in one piece, but recognizing your limitations from the outset or noticing another path and deciding to try that is hardly a sign of weakness.
I am a horsemanship instructor. I teach a similar style and with a similar way of thinking about horses as folks like the Dorrances, Ray Hunt, Harry Whitney, et al. The vast majority of my students are amateur riders who love their horses and want to get better but don’t always have all the tools they need to figure it out on their own and, ironically, have been intimidated and discouraged by this idea that they must persist at all costs, all the time, or else they are weak-willed and destined to be unsuccessful. What kind of teacher would I be if I demanded that from them? What kind of human would I be? How much assistance would I really be to them in the long term? Am I really helping them get closer to the goal of developing some toughness, some grit, if I don’t meet them where they are at so I can help them cultivate it for themselves?
I have found - more often than not - that this hardline type of thinking belongs to those who carry quite a bit of emotional baggage. It’s a coping mechanism, a shield, a way to protect oneself because those vulnerabilities just below the surface are far too painful to work through. I see it all the time with riders. I’ve dealt with it within myself. It’s far, far easier to judge others than to turn inward. In my experience, those with true confidence don’t need to turn all that much attention to the practice of judging others because it serves no greater purpose for them. And as a general practice? It’s pretty darn hard to divorce this type of expectation of oneself from one’s horse, and for that reason I feel is has absolutely no place in horsemanship.
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OP sounds fairly young. Many replying to her are not so young.
I took a break from riding for 25 years and got back on at age 42. One of my early lessons was that I didn’t bounce the way I did at 17 when I’d quit. I had more or less been taught the “hospital or on” way when I was young – though I did push back and refuse to get back on a couple of times because it just seemed stupid.
At 43 I had a very simple fall from a pony who stopped at a jump, and I just tipped right off over his side and landed on my butt. I was a little sore but nothing too bad. It got worse and I finally had it X-rayed. I’d cracked my pelvis. At 17, I doubt it would have cracked.
When I had my really bad fall in 2008, the one that left me with hardware in my collarbone for the rest of my life, I’d literally just gotten back on after a similar fall off a larger horse. I’m diabetic, and I didn’t detect that my blood sugar was really low, and within 5 minutes I’d passed out and fallen while cantering between jumps (and not in a nice cushy arena, but out in a gently sloping field.) Healing took forever and I am still NQR. (But I did get back on as soon as I could, just after the stitches from the hardware placement were removed! Had a leadline ride on a gentle pony, and went on from there.)
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Interesting, I am more than twice the OP’s age but I still dont think my experience permits me to judge that “people today” are more or less soft.
I will say that another downfall of the “get back on or else” thinking is that the so-called horsepeople often apply it to horses as well. “He’s not scared, hit him harder!” “You cant let the horse ‘win’ so you must keep going!” etc.
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FWIW, OP said she is in her early 30s, so I assume we’re close in age since I am 33. I don’t think age exempts you from empathy nor sympathy.
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Honestly, most people tend to take the attributes they think they are best at, and make those into the Main Important Thing.
If your main attribute is physical grit and a high threshold for pain, yes, you can elevate that into the Most Important Thing.
But if your main attribute is patience, or careful skills, or intuition and feel, you are going to think this is the Most Important Thing. And that grit without modification is just foolish bravado.
I agree that physical grit very often correlates to pushing horses and indeed becomes necessary when those horses start bucking and acting out because they are being pushed through injury or pain.
Anyhow, early 30s is an interesting age. Some folks are mature and thoughtful, some are still hanging on to their wild adolescent years, and some are in transition.
I will however say that the easiest thing in the world is to imagine that “things were better in the past,” especially when you are too young to remember the past. Somebody who is 30ish now was a teen in the 2000s. That’s not the “old days of grit.” That’s well into the new world of obesity, helicopter parents, and everyone gets a trophy 
if that’s how you want to characterize modern culture.
So the OP is imagining some world they never lived in, that never existed. Or taking some experience they had in the gritty year of say 2005 and thinking it was a widespread reality.
Anyhow, as I said upthread, girls have never really been expected to show grit except maybe at the higher end of ballet.
Of course in all fields some young people continue to be highly accomplished through a combination of natural talent and family and social support and opportunities. The perceived “trophy culture” doesn’t actually hold back anyone with drive and ambition. They just barrel through it and set their own goals.
I mean when we were kids we were expected to be mediocre without trophies. Now you get to be mediocre with trophies. Not a big difference. Then and now, if you wanted to be good at something you made your own way.
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I came off and broke my leg in 3 places in 2017. This was obviously a trip to the hospital–via ambulance. They had me on some serious pain meds and yet I will clearly admit that having it set was the most painful experience I have ever had–and they had to do it twice. I have a very high tolerance for pain (seriously, doctors who have treated me for other horse related injuries have commented on it). I like to think I am tough.
While they were setting my leg (both times) I was teetering on the edge of passing out from it, but I did not make a sound. Afterwards, I posted on FB telling the story of the girl who was in the next ER bed, howling and wailing her way through a blood draw (like, for real, howling) I posted it as a way to maybe pat myself on the back for being tough while she was obviously so weak. I said that I would have been mortified to have carried on like that–and that is true.
One of my fellow boarders posted back talking about how being tough is not necessarily a good thing–that it’s okay to be weak when you are hurt because you ARE weak when you are hurt. What that made me realize is that although it is not in my nature to “make a scene” and that I prefer to handle my pain internally, not everyone is like me.
Between that injury and one a year before that somehow didn’t kill me even though all the stars were aligned to do as much, I came to the further realization that the idea of “get back on or go to the hospital” is a dangerous one. For one thing, even a minor fall floods your body with adrenaline and adrenaline does not go well with making smart decisions. At the very least, riders should sit a while and let the adrenal glads simmer down before they try to get back on. The other thing that happens when you take a fall–even a minor one–is that the parts of your brain that handle fear kick into gear. For some people, this can be muscled through. Others need more time to process. You’re not going to make good decisions if you are acting out of fear, either.
To my mind, we need a major attitude shift in this sport. Shaming people who are not ready to spring back into the saddle and head out on course is not accomplishing anything but adding more risk to an already risky thing. Fear is real. Pain is real. Much of both are biological, not psychological. Not all people are the same and to try to hold them to some arbitrary standard of what is “tough” and what is “weak” is damaging to individuals AND to the sport.
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I just have to say, that the way you’ve completely and utterly synced up my personality into a neat little package with the underlying assumptions and conclusions reached is amazing. I never knew that within seven posts, some of which had no real contextual value, we could reach the conclusion [with a total stranger who has never personally spoken to me outside of the context of this single broad discussion thread] that I am judgmental, lack empathy, and have quite a bit of emotional baggage.
Internet, you never cease to amaze. I’m out on this one, clearly it’s turned from a discussion where I truly intended to learn others thoughts and their experiences in our little corner of the world to a pretty shit filled attack on my personality and lack of understanding and empathy or foolishness due to perceived age. Whether that’s due to my lack of clarity in my posting style, or due to the nature of losing perspective based on writing instead of personal speech - we’ll never know, but each time I come back everyone seems to have piled on further about what a piece of shit I am so I’m kind of done trying to further discussion.
The sad part is, my mind hasn’t been changed. I still maintain the same viewpoint I did when I originally posted last Friday. Except now, I probably won’t want to engage in future discussions since they got away from the topic at hand to essentially calling into question my personal character. I have further opinions of posters that I think inferred quite a bit that wasn’t actually written, and in true “judge/jury/executioner” fashion - I’ll mentally note that when I run across those posters in the future. No one wins here. (Unless I make that part of my signature, then maybe me a little bit because it gives me a good laugh.)
Thanks to those of you who didn’t take things so personally and read into posts. I really did appreciate the majority of responses. Feel free to continue the discussion, just wanted to advise that as the OP, I won’t be responding further.
OP, here is what you started this thread with. It’s judgemental, it makes assumptions (specifically about someone’s barn help), and it lacks nuance about why we all do what we do.
Start a pissy, judgemental, thread and eventually you reap what you sow.
"I think the problem that we’re discussing is that the bar has been lowered to the point it’s almost on the ground.
The mentality of grit has been lost. Everyone says “oh no you poor baby, you hurt, go head and take your time and don’t worry.” It’s made people soft; I see it everywhere. No one knows how to tough something out and keep going when things are hard.
I don’t think any of us are masochists, but the OP said her help called out because “his foot hurt”. It’s like the everyone gets a trophy mentality; not everyone is a winner and just because something hurts doesn’t mean you quit. Exercise hurts, but you still do it. (Or maybe not and that’s why we have an obesity epidemic in this country. 
)
I’m personally a fan of “hospital or on”. Go to the hospital or get back on. I don’t care if it’s “get back on and walk on the buckle once around this half of the arena,” but from a mental toughness stand point I think people need more tough love and less coddling and excuses."
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I hate how all the OPs leave their threads in a huff these days. They lack the grit and mental toughness of old-time COTH posters who would keep arguing until they got banned.
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@ Gardenhorse for the win.
I think this is a great thread. I’m all for being gritty and pushing and not giving up, both with horses and the real world. I’m a pretty gritty person myself. But with age (I’ve got about 8 years on OP), I’ve learned that fighting through pain, fear, and exhaustion has diminishing returns. As an earlier contributor said, there are indeed more than one ways to Rome.
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Buwahahahaha too funny
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Well, you really haven’t engaged in discussion; several of us asked why you think the “bar was lowered” or riders were lacking grit - examples, and compared to what/when.
I can’t remember if you are an instructor/trainer or not. But even if not, it’s relevant that if you are not seeing grit and determination it could very likely be because of the training. Some trainers are so trusted and respected by their athletes that they would jump off a cliff if the trainer asked - which is amazing, but potentially dangerous. That trainer needs to be absolutely sure what they are asking is necessary, safe, and will actually result in their athletes being better.
Some trainers…not so much. Because they either lack the skill to get athletes from point a to point z, are inconsistent in their methods, or something else - a lack of connection, or because they actually ask people to risk themselves. And some people will do it, while others will find excuses not to. And young athletes are more likely to say “I’m not feeling well” as opposed to “you’re crazy, I’m not doing that.”
I started riding when I was your age - I had a break from working because I had two little kids at home and finally could fit in lessons. One of my first, young trainers told me one night that she wanted to practice emergency dismounts. That she thought it was a good skill for everyone in case your horse runs away, and that her little kids do practice it a few times. I said no way. In my opinion, it was more of a risk for injury than actually falling off in a beginner lesson. If I have to “bail” on a beginner lesson horse - I’m clearly at the wrong barn. I definitely did not lack “grit” - I wonder if she thought I did.
Riding is a sport where people get better the longer they ride - unlike gymnastics or other high school sports. Patience and experience are just as important as physical skill and “grit.” To be honest, compared to a lot of other sports, I think there is a lot less “grit” and a lot more “patience” necessary - if you were the horse, you could muscle yourself over the jumps with grit. But you have to convince the horse too. You can’t force that with sheer determination and a high pain threshold.
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True grit requires creating an alternative, gritty houseguest to post in your absence.
I know George Morris mentions saying “hospital or on” to a rider in his autobiography (which I am embarrassed to have read, but I did), and the quote was originally attributed to Morris. So just a reminder the idea of blind obedience to the trainer, even in the face of extreme physical injury, hasn’t aged well on a number of levels.
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Thanks for the morning laugh!
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I can’t say I’m surprised at this response. What’s interesting to me is that I made exactly zero comments in the response you requested from me about you. I told you what my experience has been. You extrapolated what you wanted from it.
The true irony here is that someone who comes and professes to be mentally tough and has beliefs that include making mental notes of the character of others when they act in a way that suggests weakmindedness exits the very conversation they initiated because they feel judged, attacked and piled on. It’s very “pot meets kettle”.
And we have veiled threats to make “mental note” of some posters based on their responses, to be stored for future interactions.
There’s a lot of ways one could view mental toughness. The OP has highlighted one. I would go so far as to say she’s highlighted another, which is the ability (or inability) to accept consequences, criticism and feedback you don’t agree with and turn it into something you can use to improve upon yourself.
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You nailed it.
A neurologic disease left me partially paralyzed for years. I was in my 20’s and had to shuffle around with arm crutches and a leg brace, and I could not even get myself off the ground or a chair without assistance. I couldn’t grasp a doorknob, let along reins or my play my instrument – one of my other lifelong passions that was stripped from me. Treatment has been long and grueling at times, and I am much improved now…to the point of getting back in the saddle and taking lessons again for the first time in well over a decade. I can not describe the emotions I feel at being able to do something that, only a few years ago, seemed permanently out of the question.
My nerves are still regrowing and my leg muscles in particular let me know yesterday that I was pushing it. I had to halt the horse and stretch out a hideous muscle contraction in my thigh. If that hadn’t abated, yeah I would’ve hopped off for the day.
I’ve also had abdominal surgery. Not as major as organ transplantation, but my abdominal muscles were sliced through and stitched together from the bottom of my sternum to my pubic bone. It’s been four years since that operation and I do worry about re-injuring myself (in fact, I’ve been contemplating posting a separate thread to talk to other riders who have had large surgeries). I am taking a calculated risk by sitting on a horse again, and I sure as heck ain’t gonna care if someone who knows nothing about my history sees my caution as a sign of weakness.
Fact of the matter is, I will make the call about whether or not I can get back on if and when that day arrives for me. Whether or not a rider chooses to persist in the saddle after a fall is dependent upon myriad complex factors that are often not understood or known by an outside observer.
I think the “tough it out at all costs” mentality is ludicrous for horseback riding. It’s simply not that black and white. And, yes, as a child I took some serious falls and did get right back on, even with a bruised/broken tail bone at one point. I was proud that I got back on, but maybe I also didn’t know any better.
We need to work better as a society and as a culture for cultivating compassion for one another.
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