Seeking advice.
I am mid to late 40s, youngest, parents still married in their mid 70s. No grandkids, sister is married. We all live within a 2hr radius of each other.
My father abused me (beatings and verbal/emotional/rage outlet/punching bag) my whole life but it got 10x worse when my sister left for college and I hit puberty. I have a rebellious streak and a smart mouth but I was a generally good kid. Good grades, As and Bs, no trouble at school, no police interactions, no breaking curfew even. I did chores every week, a whole list, and I did a good job. I talked back, wore a lot of black clothes and skull jewelry, and hung out with boys with long hair. My mother and my sister received a fraction of the abuse I got from him, I was the target, and they did not defend me. They blamed me as well, that I was bad, I needed to apologize, I needed to change my behavior, I made him angry, I pushed him too far. He, with their help, groomed me for being the victim of male abusers. The message was sometimes men who love you are going to abuse you because you deserve it. After a lot of poor experiences with men, I am committed single now, last 8 years. The common theme throughout my life is they brand me as extra sensitive and I feel things stronger then normal. I overheard my sister say I was the posted child for untreated mental illness. I should mention all 3 of them are taking Rx for depression/anxiety etc etc. I’m pretty introverted and I’m ok with that, I really like being alone, but the other view of that is withdrawn and antisocial. I tolerate a lot of bad behavior towards myself because I lack the necessary judgement to determine what appropriate boundaries are. And once we are way past that I suffer from bouts of rage that seem to come out of no where/overreacting etc because I am so tired and angry. I was just a KID, it was wrong and I wish I fought back, back then.
I spent a lot of time away from them as soon as I graduated HS, years, really didn’t reconnect until my mid-30s. I guess I thought surely now I was successful enough to come back and be accepted. I apologized profusely for all the trouble I caused them by being a family pariah. Father called me the prodigal child. I dropped out of college so I’m a failure there too. Mother has never stopped dispensing back to school and career change advice. I have supported myself since I was 19 years old. I started my own biz in 2002 and it’s been my sole income source since 2003. I’m not rich but I have no debt other then the mortgage which is 19 years in good standing. I have never asked them or anyone else for money. I’m an upstanding, contributing member of my community, with excellent references and I am established in my line of business. It’s very disorienting to me to go back “home” and be treated the way they treat me. Like I am an idiot that knows nothing. Everything I say is met with suspicion or denial, even answers to direct questions, even when my profession becomes the subject of discussion.
Father has addressed his abuse to me only once. When I was lamenting a current adolescent dog’s challenging behavior problem, he suggested I knock him around a little bit. I, aghast, said you don’t ever beat a dog. He said it worked with you. I said well maybe that’s why I’m such a mess. He laughed.
At family gatherings since COVID (we had blessed time apart) father has lambasted me out of the blue for my “behavior” in front of god and everybody. It’s like I have been time warped back to 1980-whatever at the kitchen table and all hell is about to rain down in my world.
Recently sister told me privately following an abusive outburst from Father directed at me at a family gathering that he had no right to treat me like that and took some actual responsibility for never coming to my defense. That was uplifting. I was very surprised when she told me that. But the behavior has repeated and she remains sitting there silently. She also stopped texting me later about it. The message is I am causing it. Just that once was unfair.
It takes me DAYS to recover my mental health and self esteem back to normal levels after seeing them for any length of time anymore. I am filled with self loathing, confusion, anger, my appearance in the mirror changes-I find myself incredibly ugly, like shamefully so, I have vague suicidal thoughts, for days. Last time I said for ef sake, out loud, and walked out. Long story short, I actually ended up articulating to mom that she never defended me against him and to him that he treats me like garbage. He wanted to hug it away and when I said no thanks he said well that may be how you see it but that’s not how I see it, sniff, and walked out. So I guess that’s that. Took me 46 years to get the courage to say, stop, the way you treat me is wrong, and with the wave of his hand the matter is dismissed. Next visit he demanded to know what is wrong with me. That I was obviously angry at them (them) and what have they done that is so horrible. And would not let it go. Mom got so angry at me for denying (pathetically and with no conviction) that I was angry at them and walked out. I apologized to her later and she said her heart aches for me. I don’t know what that means.
Bottom line is there are 2 sides to every story and I may be a completely toxic person and exceptionally good at hiding that from the rest of the world but my family who REALLY know me know the secret, that I am beyond reproach.
The real problem: Family will not take no visiting for an answer. If I dodge or decline their invites they will come to me. They decide they are going to visit and I can only put them off so long. My dog is miserable while they are here and vacillates between huddled in my lap and hiding upstairs. This from a generally pretty aloof dog that doesn’t even follow me into the bathroom (never has). They will not restrain their dog “he’s just playing!” who constantly pesters, jumps on his face, and frantically humps my dog who looks like he wants to die. I feel like even if I don’t stand up for myself and say I need distance, at least I should stand up for my dog. Why should he have to feel that way for any length of time? Of course I’m thinking no one protected me or stood up for me, I need to break the cycle and I am tiger mom for my dog. This is a very recent development as their dog is about 18mo old. The problem was apparent the last 2 visits and I won’t allow it again.
I want to have a loving relationship with my family. They never say I love you, none of them. I have love for all of them and I want so badly to have the kind of family I see other people have that is nurturing and encouraging and safe solace and I try to paint them as that and pretended for some years but it’s not working anymore and I’m just bitter and angry and so tired of feeling so terrible about myself when they rear their ugly heads into my peaceful, functional world.
What would you do? Therapy of course but it is prohibitively expensive and I have no kind of time. I just need someone to talk it out with.
