Okay, since there seems to be a lot of interest in this thread and people are learning from each other (which is so fun, so great…and so unlike COTH sometimes!) I’m going to put myself out there with some video of my mare and me through the years. Please be kind, as I’m voluntarily posting some less than flattering footage! I know how helpful I would have found it to see someone dealing with this type of horse, as in my opinion, they can be just as frustrating as rewarding!
A brief history: I got this mare as a coming 5 year old in January of 2011; she was started on the late side and didn’t have too much under her belt when I got her. I got hurt (on her, actually) in the summer of 2011, and she had the better part of a year off spread out over the following 2 years during my various rehabs, finally surgery, and then another lengthy rehab. Her basic tendency was to be very bullish, both on the ground and under saddle. She also had a really bad overflexion problem that took a long, long time to overcome (and you’ll still see if from time to time). She could be incredibly spooky to things outside the ring, and very distracted.
This was her during one of my trial rides in 2011, and was her second grid ever, so green as grass but lots of scope! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqQ7MWbpumA
This is in 2013, at a clinic. This is when we really started to get going, after my couple years of not working her a ton due to being hurt. I had only been jumping for about a month here, after rehabbing from hip surgery. She is going fine, but there’s a lack of consistency with the distances and a lack of confidence in my eye. If she was rideable, I knew where we were. But then there are times were I have no idea where she is. We figured out that she had a tendency to tune out and not really pay attention, so in this time we started really working on getting her to tune in. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySVR0YpIV38
This is her in in 2014, where is is going pretty well, but at this point we were still at the mercy of what she would put into it, and it’s still a very careful, manufactured ride. You can see my hesitence to commit to the fence at the long distance on the long approach to the single diagonal, and while it just looks like I got left or didin’t make a decision, what you can’t feel is that she doesn’t give you a confident feeling off the ground at this distance. From this distance she could chip, or every once in a while stop (though not in a dirty way), and there’s no security in the feel of knowing what she’s going to do. If I really rode up to that fence and gave a strong ride, I’d have a freight train on the backside. It’s a tricky dilemma. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uD8sVDzYsYY
This is at a clinic in 2014, and I think it really highlights all we’ve talked about regarding sitting and pulling vs. being an active participant. I hate this video of me because I look indecisive and at the mercy of what the mare was giving me. Instead of really commanding the ride and creating what I needed to, I was passive. It didn’t feel passive, but it’s a passive ride. @raisethebar I think this may be what your trainer is seeing when she suggested you were scared. In this phase, my mare could still be quite explosive (in fact she got quite naughty during this clinic, at the end when she was tired). She also only trustworthy with the under-ride. If I really got her off my leg, I’d have a freight train that was unrideable. If I really got her off my hand, she’d get overreactive up front. All evasions - but the feel and the history of naughtiness was such that I never wanted to push the envelope. And it’s really hard to SEE all that. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnOy2j4-KN0
Oh, God, I can’t believe I’m actually posting these hideous videos!! This was at a show in 2015, and she had been absolutely perfect for 3 days, and then the last day, turned completely unrideable. In our first class, we actually missed an entire line where she just suddenly refused to turn left and ran past it (I don’t have that video anymore, lol, I must have deleted it!). We chip and dipped, she vacillated between being a freight train and then wanting to stop. The first class I was just a shocked passenger…this class I was much better about doing what needed to be done instead of just thinking about how terrible it felt…but still, just to show you how bad it can get - there’s a lot of things I would say if I were coaching myself from the ground here. But in the tack, it felt like there were no options. It looks like I can’t ride for crap, but in reality, it’s very hard to be accurate and precise when there’s no response to the aids, no choice for a distance, nothing other than trying to survive. We did have a vet workup after this show (and at several other points over the years) and what we’ve come up with is that if she’s a little sore or she’s tired or she doesn’t feel like working, she does this (or theme and variations of this). With the vets advice, this is when we really began addressing it as an attitude issue. She has never worked up sore enough to explain her behaviour. It was the vets idea, actually, that it’s more of an attitude problem. She doesn’t want to try if she doesn’t want to. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WnNd3fpXXc https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NO-XEROJ1m0
These are from Spring 2016, and you can see us really working through some tougher rides. I’m a much more active participant, doing what needs to be done instead of just pulling or being passive. It took some balls, as she has some impressive, athletic tricks (which somehow I can’t find video of unfortunately). But these rides, though tough and frustrating, are where we started to really make progress. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBRGjxJI59k https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fmrSq_NMg4
This was at a clinic in Spring of 2016, and I was very disappointed that I reverted back to being passive. It’s nothing dreadful, per se, but I feel like I just have this tentative, non-involved ride that leaves something to be desired. It looks wishy-washy and indecisive. I still didn’t trust her off the ground, still didn’t trust my eye, still wasn’t creating what I needed and I was letting how she felt define the entirety of my ride. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evEQb6TomPI
Here’s a great comparison. Here I’m doing what I needed to to get the reaction I needed to be soft. The first video isn’t pretty, as I get in her face a bit (she had been grabbing the bit and running through the gymnastic). But the next time through, she listened to my body and voice and I could be soft. I think this is a great example that we HAVE to do what’s necessary. if I did the passive ride from above here, she never would have improved through the gymnastic. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEhoLN5k6vg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5R8XnjaGIv4
And now, in mid summer last year, she’s starting to get really rideable. She’d come out like this most days. You can ses me give some corrections, but she accepts them and softens, and I can be in a much softer (but still active) position. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqQXn-5G1vo
Here we’re in the fall of 2016. Jumps are tiny because the ground is hard, but she’s SO much more relaxed and consistent. It’s really starting to come together, and the size of the jump won’t matter (she’s certainly never lacked scope, but rideability). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ewczDL1xZc
How you handle his tough period may have a long influence on how both of you improve over the next years to come. 
but mine might be only 85% saint at this point. Still not bad and totally worth it of course!