Trainer getting a divorce

[showy]

Trainer and spouse own the farm. Not many boarders right now.

Has anyone dealt with this? Things are ugly between the couple.

I am nervous about the farm being sold and having to find somewhere FAST. There’s only 2-3 comparable trainers in the area, all at capacity. I want to call them but I know word will immediately get back to current trainer and I feel like I would be leaving trainer at a particularly difficult time in their life.

We are also in an area with immense housing pressure. I know the farm would get scooped up immediately if it went on the market.

[Grey623]

You are not responsible for holding your trainer’s hand while they divorce, even if they are your friend. For your own peace of mind you should start looking at your options so you have a plan A and plan B if/when it all goes to pieces. If you are afraid of word getting back to your trainer, speak to them up front and ask what their plans are. When they tell you they don’t know, it’s all up in the air, explain you need to make sure your horse has a safe place to live, and you’ll be checking around so you can move quickly if needed. Or, possibly, they’ll actually have made a transition plan and you will know what’s happening. But don’t count on that. And don’t be the last one hanging around because you feel bad for them. Sympathy won’t shelter or feed your horse.

Grey

[clanter]

@showy

I am nervous about the farm being sold

the place next to us on the east side has gone through two divorce settlements requiring the the property to be sold as its value had increase beyond what either party could buy the other out. and the place we bought for cash was a divorce settlement sell that wanted a Quick settlement

[Scribbler]

Yes, I’d assume a divorce is going to mean the property needs to be sold. That’s pretty standard unless one spouse can buy out the other spouse.

Make your own plans.

I expect the couple don’t know themselves how it will play out.

Training and horse care will absolutely suffer if even the most conscientious person is caught up in divorce drama. And do you want to be around escalating ugly drama? You never know when a spouse will snap and do something actually crazy.

Get out now.

I would ask trainer as a courtesy in person if they have concrete plans going forward, and then really whatever they say, give notice in a kind but clear way and find a new barn. Say if they remain training locally you really want to come back, but you are worried the outcome of this property.

[anon55755751]

I was at a small place where this happened. We got lucky in the end since a junior wanted to go pro and her family bought it. Some management decisions were made before the decision to sell that were weird and not well explained – clear subtext being that things were financially deteriorating fast.

All of these situations can be different though, so it is hard to predict what will happen in your trainer’s case. My guess is that the best outcomes for the boarders would be from decisive early actions on the trainer’s part about what is happening with her business, rather than dragging things out and all the facility neglect and loss in standard of care that comes along with that.

[sascha]

@Scribbler

give notice in a kind but clear way and find a new barn.

@showy do this but in the opposite order. Get yourself on every waiting list of places that would be suitable. Once you’ve got notice that a spot is coming available and your name is on that spot, pay a deposit to hold the stall (if it is immediately available and it will take a bit to get your horse moved) and give your notice to your current barn.

Don’t give notice without a place to go.

If you want to possibly come back if things work, explain exactly (but kindly) what you said in your first post when you give notice and say that you hope you’ll be welcomed back when things settle down. Alternatively, don’t give any reason beyond you feeling you needed a change. It may be that the more vague you are, the less likely the trainer is to develop animosity towards you leaving at a difficult time and the more likely you are to be welcomed back if you want to go back one day.

[hoopoe]

Have you actually talked to your trainer about what their plan is for the business.

I would do this first

Then I would get on wait list at desired barn(s). You do not have to feel guilty about leaving at a hard time. They don’t appear to have made any alternate arrangements, what would they expect ?

If they have actually let you know they are ending the business, it would be decent of them to give references. It won’t be a secret for long. Others may already know.

And will echo, drop any notion of faithful loyalty and friendship. This is business, you hired them for your needs

[showy]

@hoopoe

Have you actually talked to your trainer about what their plan is for the business.

Yes. It had not crossed trainers mind that the property and trainer’s personal horses could be forced sold. Trainer is NOT a planner at all. I just know in my gut it could turn to we are selling everything get out in 30 days with zero plan in place.

@Scribbler

Training and horse care will absolutely suffer if even the most conscientious person is caught up in divorce drama.

Training is already bugging me and it’s only been a few lessons. I want to work hard in my lessons. I also felt like people (myself included) were not adequately prepared for our last schooling show outing.

@Grey623 and @hoopoe I needed to hear that it’s not on me to be the bff throughout the divorce and a loyal client. I just spent good money on a finally nice horse for myself and I want to keep improving and showing. I have tried so hard to not get personal with trainers (and co workers for that matter). I don’t see these people outside of context but trainer has disclosed a lot to me and the rest of the clients are juniors.

[Scribbler]

All you have said suggests you need to get out now. This trainer can’t look after her own financial best interests, she sure won’t have you in mind. So she’s vented or overshared with you as one of her few adult clients. That doesn’t make her your BFF. It just suggests she has no one else to talk to. If the relationship is not mutual, if you can’t go to her with your big problems, then she’s not really an inner circle friend. She’s just over sharing with a client.

The reason that’s a bad idea is it makes the client leery of the situation.
.
Plan a graceful exit.

[LCDR]

I lived through this at what I truly believed was my final boarding barn. And I thought that the wife and barn manager/trainer/co-owner would get the farm as the philanderings of the man were well known and documented. But the wife unexpectedly asked for a huge cash settlement instead and bought herself a new farm well away from the mess. She did what was absolutely best for her.

Girlfriend moved in and gave boarders one week notice to leave. I was very lucky and found a decent place the next day 50 miles away to take my three horses.

Do not assume things will work out for you and your horses and plan to stay. If it is not the current woman there will likely be more coming along and one of them will eventually want you weeded out.

[hoopoe]

@showy

Yes. It had not crossed trainers mind that the property and trainer’s personal horses could be forced sold. Trainer is NOT a planner at all.

it is over. Find your next place.

[TheBigEasy]

Even the best divorces are bad divorces. There are plenty of divorce stories where everything worked out hunky-dory, but that’s the exception, not the rule. Divorce is sad, messy, financially draining even in the best of circumstance. Throw in some wealth, children, anger or animosity and crap gets real messy real quick.

You do not want to be tied into a divorce in any form. Creat a solid contingency plan now.

[MsM]

I agree that you need plans to move ASAP. Your needs will be at odds with the trainer/owner. Nobody’s fault, just the situation. I boarded at a barn that was being sold, but none of us knew. Owner wanted to keep the barn full both for her income and for sale purposes. It would have been very difficult for her if everybody left and then the property didnt sell for a while. Fortunately, I gave my notice a couple of weeks before they announced the sale (I had moved and was going to another barn closer to me) Those remaining had about 30 days (and a free trailer ride) since the new owner didnt want boarders. It was difficult for the dozen or so boarders to find places all at the same time!

[cph1957]

Your first responsibility is to your horse and you’d better start looking! Last summer a very old, well respected boarding facility suddenly called all boarders in and told them they were completely shutting down in 30 days! They all were shocked because they had been told the owners had big plans for upgrades to fencing, arena, etc., and they had a huge lesson program. Anyway, it was over 40 horses, about 15 came to the barn where I am which means they all have to drive over an hour each way, and there is no trainer/instructor for them at this time, but it’s happening everywhere. Best of luck.

[findeight]

Trainer is NOT your friend. You are friendly with her and, sounds like, she with you but friends have YOUR best interests at heart. Plus that, her about to be ex is in no way, shape or form any kind or friend to you.

In a divorce, joint/ community property is split and typically neither party can operate a business without help and income from the other party. So it gets sold. Often there are restraining orders and other unpleasantries. BTDT several times as a boarder. None ended well for me despite my “loyalty” in sticking around.

You need to follow the other boarders who saw the writing in the wall and have already left. Advise not waiting and, please, don’t ket her promise you things she can’t deliver…apparently shes a bit naive about how property is split in a divorce.

Get out. Go someplace acceptable and wait for an opening where you really want to go. Don’t get caught in the middle of a vindictive divorce and don’t put your horse and anything you keep at that barn in that position.

[fivestrideline]

Yep. People don’t want to “jinx” a sale or lose income if it falls through, so they don’t tell anyone about the process until after closing and papers are signed and the new owners want everyone OUT. 24 hour notice is common.

Get out OP. Make a plausible excuse separate from the divorce if you have to, get on waiting lists, and GO. I’ve been caught up in such proceedings before as a boarder - I would go back to that trainer NOW, years later as things have settled, but shouldn’t have stayed as long as I did.

[Scribbler]

The farm sale will be a court ordered sale, it will likely involve splitting all assets. That includes tack, horses, trucks, trailers, etc which could be sold or auctioned off. You absolutely do not want to have your horse, your tack, your trailer, etc on the farm when that happens. The fact that your trainer is a ditz and doesn’t seem to have good legal representation yet means things are likely to not go well for her financially.

[Jarpur]

I’ve also been a boarder at a place where the couple split up, and had to vacate quickly. Ended up closer to home, but with far fewer facilities (no arena, minimal turnout, etc.). Received a recommendation from a local veterinarian, and was able to move within a few months to a much better situation (a few of us ended up there).

I add my voice to the chorus that says to get out, even if not to an ideal barn. Safe is good enough for now, until you get your bearings.

[fivestrideline]

@Scribbler

The farm sale will be a court ordered sale, it will likely involve splitting all assets. That includes tack, horses, trucks, trailers, etc which could be sold or auctioned off. You absolutely do not want to have your horse, your tack, your trailer, etc on the farm when that happens.

Good point. These types of things are rarely run by Horse People who would know (or care) to fact check in the chaos. It would be SO EASY to have some things grow legs, accidentally or otherwise.

[Scribbler]

@fivestrideline

@Scribbler

The farm sale will be a court ordered sale, it will likely involve splitting all assets. That includes tack, horses, trucks, trailers, etc which could be sold or auctioned off. You absolutely do not want to have your horse, your tack, your trailer, etc on the farm when that happens.

Good point. These types of things are rarely run by Horse People who would know (or care) to fact check in the chaos. It would be SO EASY to have some things grow legs, accidentally or otherwise.

Yes. It’s not exactly an eviction but it could go sideways fast if one party is angry and the other one is ditzy. You don’t want to arrive and find bailiffs on site or the farm locked up or argue about proving this is your bay horse and your $10,000 saddle and $500 tack trunk and $200 supplements with some hired thug.