troubled friend and her troubled horse - WWYD?

[Pocket_Pony]

F is projecting her needs onto her horses. She is grasping at the own problems in her life and working them out (or not) and acting them out through her horses. She said the horse is abused and needs to be loved and all will be okay. “HE JUST NEEDS LOVE! HE WAS ABUSED! HE DOESN’T KNOW ANY BETTER! HE JUST NEEDS TIME AND WE NEED TO BOND AND HE NEEDS TO KNOW HE IS LOVED!!111!!!111!”

Perhaps she feels if he can be loved then she can, too. Or if she can fix him then she’ll be fixed. Or whatever sort of projection is going on. I’ve seen it before and it never has a happy fairytale ending.

MYOB, stay out of it, and let it blow up in her face if that’s what needs to happen. There is no way that any rational, reasonable person will be able to help her see the light and do better. She needs to self-destruct if that’s her path. It is only up to her to change herself. If she’s a danger to the horse then call animal control on her. But don’t try to mollycoddle her or help her - it won’t work and will only backfire on you.

[RxCate]

I just want to know where in the hell the BO/BM are when she is throwing these temper tantrums on her horse - They are the ones who need to step in, and you step out.

[babecakes]

She ‘refuses to use your good kind horse’ … really??? What’s wrong with YOU? This is where I would want off your crazy train! You’re both novices. And WHERE are all the other boarders and the BO/BM? Sounds very, very far fetched to me.

[findeight]

Cant really give any meaningful advice without seeing what’s actually going on. No matter how flat the pancake, it’s got two sides and we only get one. Not sure of ages here either, maybe they both are kids. Are there any adults? Where is the BO?

I don’t know on what planet anybody who feels so negatively about some kid’s actions around their own horse, then complain to strangers on here, would want them on their horse…? Then be upset they said no? Doesn’t make much sense. But for OP, just stay out if it. It’s none of your business and F may very well not want your advice or opinions and doesn’t really need to listen to you, you aren’t a parent or responsible adult asked to supervise her.

[WNT]

The biggest lessons I’ve learned over the years, both horse and otherwise are: you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves, and not my monkeys, not my circus.

[Gloria]

Well. I doubt mare loves F. F is afraid of mare.

The issue is F does not have sufficient knowledge to utilize CA techniques properly.

There is not much you can do. Your choice is encouraging F to sell mare. Or sending F to a good ground work clinic. If she likes CA, maybe find one held by him. I personally know a really good clinician, but he is not CA. They are the only ones who can get the knowledge across.

[ladyj79]

@Gloria

Well. I doubt mare loves F. F is afraid of mare.

The issue is F does not have sufficient knowledge to utilize CA techniques properly.

There is not much you can do. Your choice is encouraging F to sell mare. Or sending F to a good ground work clinic. If she likes CA, maybe find one held by him. I personally know a really good clinician, but he is not CA. They are the only ones who can get the knowledge across.

We’ve moved past mare and on to gelding.

[Gloria]

@ladyj79

We’ve moved past mare and on to gelding.

What? This whole story sounds way chaotic. How do some people have so much drama?

[ladyj79]

OP bumped up her own thread yesterday.

TLDR

Girl sold mare,. bought gelding. issues ensue
Isn’t riding.
OP want to know what she should do?!?!?!

My response: mind your own business.

@thecolorcoal

Thank you everyone for your wonderful responses. I really do appreciate everyone who has helped me with this situation.

A few things: I’m sure I am partially at fault for how this moss ball got rolling for not intervening, but I’ll give myself my only defense and say at barns long ago we also participated in rather “abusive” training, and while F’s treatment of Mare was way beyond what I’ve ever done, WAY BEYOND, i’ve seen my own trainers do worse, so I was… unsure when I could call it abuse and when I could call it discipline. this is my first DIY barn - show barns are a smaller cult in themselves in that, as many of you may be aware, you fall in line and treat the horses however the head trainer does and that is what is expected.

Anyway, F did sell mare, well, REHOME Mare for 100 bucks. Mare is now a pasture puff 400 miles away from F. But the story still continues.

F has a new horse, a baby TB named Gelding. Gelding had a leg injury that pulled him off the track last year and has been healing ever since. F bought Gelding knowing this and promised to participate in his stall rest.

F takes him out of his stall yesterday after he’s been at the barn for less than a handful of days, and Gelding goes insane. Rears, spins, bucks, and starts bolting, all the while F hanging onto the lead rope and getting dragged around by an almost 17hh BABY tb with ZERO horsey citizen skills.

I guess this thread is becoming more about F. F has a boyfriend now and is almost never at the barn. F has a job to pay for Gelding. F has decided she wants to be an eventer but a) refuses to take any lessons, b) refuses to get in with the girls who event and go to cross country schoolings, c) refuses to use my good, kind horse in said schoolings because hers can’t be ridden (obviously) and d) has NO REAL INTEREST in riding anymore.

I had enough. I decided this time around I am NOT helping F. I got chewed out a few days ago for attempting to help her after the incident and she responded with “HE JUST NEEDS LOVE! HE WAS ABUSED! HE DOESN’T KNOW ANY BETTER! HE JUST NEEDS TIME AND WE NEED TO BOND AND HE NEEDS TO KNOW HE IS LOVED!!111!!!111!”

And almost 5 people got mowed down that day by crazy, injured cabin fever tb with NO SKILLS.

This is Mare all over again.

I am tempted to call the old Owner and tell her what is going on and how this is actually going to go down, because I know the truth as to why F sold Mare now: Mare couldn’t show, 3’ and therefore was useless to F who wanted a GIANT HORSE to jump GIANT JUMPS on. Otherwise Mare was sound.

Now poor Gelding is going to suffer too… But the only good news of this story is, because he is literally unhand able, he may have a life as a pet and maybe can escape being PTS… I don’t know. I’m not making much sense right now…

I did find out F doesn’t care one lick about riding. Horses are giant status symbols she can show off to her friends to pretend like she is wealthy. It’s sickening because IMO horses are anything BUT status symbols, more like ways to show how BROKE you are!

She has never worked with any Baby horse let alone an OTTB but REFUSES. flat out REFUSES. any help from anyone. Before I had some influence. Not anymore. Everything is met with a “I have a plan” and “i know what I am doing”…

I am removing myself from the situation. I’m going to stick with my mare, still be nice but I feel this is a new level of crazy I cannot get behind. Now that I’ve experienced the Mare situation, this poor Gelding is in for some real trouble…

New question: how do you handle people who have horses but don’t like to ride?

[JanM]

So you want to let this animal abuser ride, and probably ruin your horse? That’s wrong, and criminal.

Call the old owner, and tell them what’s going on, and hope they rescue the new horse. Stay away from this idiot, and stop enabling her, because that’s what you’re doing.

By the way, this person is someone who will always go for the unrideable horse, because she thinks she’ll get on this animal, and be the next GM, and gold medals to follow. She has Black Beauty syndrome, and the horses will never measure up to what she wants.

She not a rider, she’s an abuser, who will torture any animal that is unfortunate enough to be under her ownership.

[Gloria]

OK. Crazy and crazier, lol.

To OP: Mind your own business. You are the problem.

[Lord_Helpus]

In your place I would have a hard time being friends with F. There is NO room for emotion in riding. If I have a bad day and am getting frustrated, I find something the horse can do, pat him and get off. (One day the only thing the horse could do, so I could reward him, was to stand still for 5 seconds. )

Your friend does not sound like a good rider, a good horse trainer or a good horseman. Perhaps tennis would suit her better?

ETA: I had not read through to the end. But I was close to being on point anyway.

[Dressagelvr]

Where is the BO in all this???

OP, you need to 100% cut off contact with F. I also would get a video of her abusing the new horse and send it to the BO, old owner, and your local animal cruelty officer (may be animal control).

The girl has parents, teachers, other people who can try to save her. This horse, apparently, has only you.

Those who watch abuse in silence are complicit.