I recently moved my horse to a new barn. There were many things that contributed to this decision and one of those things is to get away from a certain person who is not a good barn-mate (bad manners, no arena manners, generally clueless on how to co-exist with others in a busy facility).
Through the grapevine, this individual found out where I moved my horse and contacted the barn manager to tour the facility. They are now reaching out to me to see how I like it there and I get the impression that there is a possibility that they’ll be making a move to this facility.
Aside from outright telling them that they are one of the reasons I left and to please go away, what is a more tactful way to discourage this person from moving their horse to where I am? We are not in a horse-desert by any means so there are plenty of other options and barns with openings. I was thinking about saying I wasn’t happy with some things, but the truth is that I’m very happy and I don’t want that to come around and bite me. Bad form to tell the barn manager that I know this person and they can be problematic?
It’s very likely this bad etiquette rider views you as a friend. Have you had a conversation with them where you explain that their actions have impacted you negatively? Start there, as this is an issue between you and this rider, not between you and the new barn.
I would not share anything negative with this new farm to this rider. It will come back to you.
Personally, I would not involve the BO unless this rider has behaviors that would cause headache to the staff. The last thing you want is to be that new boarder already starting drama where there is none yet.
Ugh, I don’t envy the position you’re in on this one. I generally think having a frank conversation is usually the best way to go, but from what you posted, I’d be half a mind to not even respond to the ask. On the chance she shows up moved into your new barn though, it might be worth the conversation. Even told it’s a hard one, if she’s following you that might solve the problem.
I would be a little curious as to why they need to move!
What level of problem were they? Was this solely between you two, or were they a known problem that everyone at the barn had to work around? Did the BO at your old barn know you left because of them? Do you think anyone else left because of them?
It’s possible that if they really were the problem, and everyone else found them problematic to some extent, that you leaving was a wake-up call the BO and the person has been encouraged to move along
In that case, suggest new BO call old BO for a reference. Or other old barn boarders.
However, if this was more personal, that won’t work. If any part of the problem was that the other rider was inappropriately clingy or friendly or frenemy or bullying or gossiping or anything interpersonal that was specific to you, it’s likely either not visible to others or they would figure it’s 50/50 an interpersonal dynamic.
Did you ever once discuss this stuff with her? Like tell her to stop riding into your butt in the arena or stop stealing your fly spray or not gossiping about other people, whatever the issue was? If you never brought this up then they can’t know. People with low social skills or self awareness don’t read nonverbal cues well because they are constantly getting negative cues and assume they are normal.
Is there anything about this new barn that makes it more likely to constrain her behaviour?
It could be fun to say something targeted to her issues like “this barn doesn’t allow longeing while others are riding” or “I love how everyone is really focused on their horse and there’s no.time to gossip” or "the BM runs a tight ship and you can’t leave your gear around to trip over " Or even “I don’t think this barn is a good match for you.”
But honestly silence is even more eloquent. It’s possible the rider just came for a tour to rattle your cage and see if you will resume contact. How bsc are they? Is that the kind of thing they’ve done in the past to other people? If they gossip are they looking for you to say something they can retail back to.your current BM?
I think just not responding is eloquent and certainly communicates “I’m not delighted to hear from you.”
You could mention to BM that you heard from other rider, and without saying anything negative, communicate lack of enthusiasm. If they ask you specifically you can say “she’s probably not a good fit for our team here.”
This sounds likely.
Did Troublesome ever mention moving their horse before you did?
IIWM, as you said your move was recent, I’d tell Troublesome:
A)It’s too soon for you to have a solid opinion.
B)That you’ll get back to them after 6mos or so… Then, Don’t.
Oh hey Susie. I honestly haven’t been here long enough to feel like I can give a good sense of the barn and whether it would meet your needs. Barn manager Sharon is great, I’d recommend connecting with her if you’ve got questions.
I would second the remarks made by @beowulf above. The person may think you’re a friend, and is just really clueless about the various behaviors that annoyed you.
You also do not want to bad mouth her to your new barn or, conversely, say negative things about the new barn to the person as a ploy to discourage her coming to the barn. Anything along these lines will come back to haunt you.
Just be polite to her and don’t assume the worst (that she’ll bring her horse to join you). She may just be looking around at her various options without any real intent of changing barns.
If I left a place to cut contact with an idiot I would not resume contact over something like this. You are just inviting the cray cray back into your life. Silence is golden.
Honestly if I left a barn to get away from a boarder, instead of just learning their schedule and avoiding them, I’d have also probably blocked that person from social media and phone.
I wonder if OP may be taking personally the other boarder’s interest to move to OP’s new barn. To me, it sounds like other boarder is simply clueless and lacks social skills and awareness of barn rules, and the previous BM either didn’t have the backbone to educate her, or… didn’t see it as a problem.
Regardless, I think GraceLike Rain’s comment is absolutely perfect. I would not make it personal, I would not tell the new BM anything (unless asked, and then OP could just say that OP does not know the other boarder very well), and I certainly would not tell the other boarder that OP moved because of her.
I am sorry the OP, who is presumably a functional adult, with a job, friends, experience, personal agency, etc. feels so affected by another boarder that it was (in part) worth moving over. And I am sorry that an adult horsewoman could be so stressed that she is tempted to lie about a place she is happy.
If this former board-mate moves, is a problem and new BO realizes you must have known about her issues, how is that supposed to work?
Won’t BO be a bit miffed you didn’t offer some Intel on her so BO could make a better decision about who to let in?
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I hear you, but hopefully new BO is a functioning adult and can be clearer about expectations for her boarders and better at enforcing the rules than was BO at previous barn.
And if new BO is not, then this certainly goes deeper than the OP’s acquaintance with clueless boarder.
If this isn’t true then yes it is wrong to say anything like that . Sounds like the woman hasn’t been taught what is acceptable practice in a boarding barn environment.
As much as you want to avoid confrontation you may just need to tell this person that you just don’t want to be anything more than a passing acquaintance.
