I want to study vet medicine so I’m working in the afternoon at a vet clinic so most of my time is divided between riding, school, and work. And my parents aren’t here, I live with my aunt alone.
1 Like
Okay, this is getting to be more than we can address on COTH. OP, suffice to say that we were all teenagers once, and it gets better if you really want it to. But I would get out of this apparently stupidly mean-girl barn and again, find your happy place. Inside your head is not that place.
14 Likes
Apart from the barn issue, which seems to be the main source of the problem, it sounds like you have lost your confidence. I think the best way to get it back is to go back to the basics. Calm flatwork and then begin with things that are easy for you and your horse. Canter over lines of poles, adding and lengthening. Trot in over a small jump, canter out over a larger one. Gymnastics to work on position, if your horse is good at them, etc., until you feel comfortable. I am sorry you are feeling bad, you’ll find a new situation! Best wishes.
6 Likes
OP, is there a particular reason why you’re so focused on jumping higher?
You’ve progressed very quickly in height over just five years of riding, and it’s not a bad thing to take the time to develop your balance and feel at a height you’re very comfortable with before pushing it further. Your coach might be having difficulty putting into words that even though you’re getting around the courses just fine most days and aren’t doing anything technically wrong, it would benefit you in the long run to spend some more time in the saddle refining your position and feel before jumping higher.
Is there something in particular you’re aiming to achieve in the next couple of years that requires jumping higher?
7 Likes
this is not true
6 Likes
You said, " I just feel humiliated, angry at myself for almost hurting my girl, and helpless because I have no idea how to remedy the situation. I don’t even want to go to the barn because I feel like crying thinking about seeing everyone again."
People have give you a very clear way to remedy the situation - it is time for a new trainer and barn! Your trainer could be an amazing trainer and person but the relationship has soured and it’s time to move on. A new trainer will often say the same things in a slightly different way that just makes them click. Plus, you don’t have any baggage with them and they don’t have any baggage with you so they are coming to your lessons as a blank slate with no frustration. I cannot stress this enough; FIND A NEW TRAINER. You can go take or observe lessons at different barns and see what trainer seems like the best fit for you and your horse, right now. They may not be the best person for you in five years or even next year, but you need someone who can genuinely help you now. The person who took my riding from pretty OK at 1.15m to winning at 1.3m as a junior didn’t show a ton but always made sure I had the opportunity if I wanted it.
Regarding training rides - every time we ride and especially jump our horses we are either making deposits or withdrawals to their confidence bank. If you are making a lot of withdrawals from the confidence bank, it really, really helps if someone else is riding the horse accurately and making deposits. This isn’t a burn on you; most of us go through a time when we need some extra help. Many training programs would have 2 training rides per week, one flat and one over fences, and likely 2 lessons. Something like Monday off, Tuesday trainer flat, Wednesday you flat in a lesson, Thursday trainer jumps, Friday you flat alone, Saturday you jump in lesson, Sunday you flat alone.
It sounds like you have a great horse and a good skillset and that another program could have you making fast progress. If you stay where you are, there’s genuine concern you and your horse go through rapid confidence downward spiral that would be hard to correct. Good luck and GO LOOK FOR ANOTHER TRAINER!
10 Likes
Please stop sharing such specifics. You are telling us far too many personal details and someone is going to figure out who you are and make you miserable. Please edit this post!!!
6 Likes
A few things here…
- You’re young and being a teenager sucks.
- I once started riding a new mare and fell off 7 out of 7 days. She would land off a jump, buck me off in a corner… I’d get back on… and finish the day. She then ended up being my incredible children’s hunter and carried me and several others to many champions and year-end awards. We just both had a crap week and she tested me to see if I could handle it. Challenge accepted.
- Moving up that quickly is concerning. If you’re falling off consecutively in a lesson, it’s time to reevaluate the capabilities of both of you at this given moment.
- Having daily lessons is ridiculously exhausting for both of you and could be making Ms. Mare a bit sour. Scale that back to 2 lessons a week… 2 flat days… and if you want to stay with trainer (or move elsewhere) then have 2 pro rides. That’s 6 days. Mare needs a day off. So do you based on some of these posts.
- No trainer should yell at you unless you’re napping under your horse or about to be hit by a tractor trailer horse van. I’m sick of trainers that think they are a God. Spoiler alert: You are a coach of humans and animals. Patience is part of the job description. Positive reinforcement should be the go-to unless you are in danger or hurting yourself or the animal. If either is about to occur… it’s time to shut things down in a calm and reserved manner. Tomorrow is another day… and you are the professional. Either get on yourself and fix the problem… or find a way to end on a good note and call it a day. Why so many trainers seem to need to fix things immediately and try to treat tomorrow as the potential Olympic Trials is beyond me. It’s a marathon, folks… not a sprint. These are animals, not BMX bikes… they’re not going to come out the same way every day. They are not robots… even the best of them will have a moment now and then.
- The sweeping threats to go ride with the trainer next door. I love that. Rode with one of those that had the dramatic reactions and “stompy” behavior when he didn’t get his way. I called his bluff and left. I can honestly say that trusting my gut was the best decision. People tell you who they are… don’t overthink it… take them at face value.
14 Likes
I edited it, sorry I wasn’t thinking but most of the people around me don’t use this forum so I’m not too worried.
1 Like
How could you possibly know that?
1 Like
I’ve often talked about online horse forums but nobody knows any at my barn at least. I once even mentioned an article on this site but nobody had ever heard of the site or article.
It sounds like you don’t want to leave your trainer despite all the advice here?
When you have been with the same system/trainer for most of your riding life, it is hard to just pack up and leave even if it does seem like the most logical answer.
10 Likes
Most vets I know quit trying to ride upper levels because of the time commitment to both school, residency, fellowships, and subsequent practice building. Two friends of mine are among the top equine vets in the US and they compete at the lower levels when they can afford it and time lets them.
I guess if you are working towards a small animal practice, perhaps? But, again, you will need to make a choice at some point between being a good rider/horseman or a good vet/horseman. You don’t go into vet med because you love animals. You go into it because you love medicine. That is why I am a research scientist in human medicine (orthopedic spine). I love the medicine and discovering disease mechanisms. I hate people, even though I do part of my work in the clinics and operating rooms.
18 Likes
I find it impossible your trainer has not heard of the Chronicle of the Horse. Whether or not he reads the forums is another story, but I would not assume your information would be private because other teens don’t know of COTH.
6 Likes
I think taking a month off of lessons is a great idea. Maybe do one or two days of real dressage every week and otherwise hack, trail ride, ride bareback, do groundwork, and bond with your mare. I would really encourage you to take the month to think about why you started riding and why you do this. What did you love about your very first lesson? Can you get back in touch with that feeling? What would happen if your goal every day at the barn was to enjoy yourself and improve your relationship with your mare, rather than jump a certain height in your lesson or ride better than so-and-so?
Here’s the thing about riding: there will ALWAYS be someone who rides better, jumps higher, has a nicer horse than yours, has more time and money to dedicate to the sport, or that your trainer simply likes better. I vividly remember how painful that was for me as a teenager, and it sounds like your barn fosters that kind of competitive energy. The sooner you accept that we are all on our own paths through the horse world, and get clear on your own path and your goals, the more joy you will get from riding. Isn’t this supposed to be fun?
If you truly get happiness from progressing in your riding and becoming more advanced - in a way that has nothing to do with what your barnmates are doing, but for the pleasure and reward of learning and growing - that is great and valid. But jumping higher isn’t the only yardstick by which to measure growth as a rider. And I agree with all the posters who have said you need a new trainer. I think you would both progress faster and be happier with a fresh start and a positive, supportive trainer.
“He yells and says he’s already explained and I should know by now or that if I don’t know what I’m doing wrong how is he supposed to know” is NOT how a good coach speaks to his riders. You keep telling him you don’t feel you are riding well, but you can’t put your finger on why, and his response is that you are imagining things?! It sounds like you two have had a major breakdown in communication. You know in your gut that you are not riding as well as you could be, that there is some fundamental hole in your riding, and you are not doing right by your mare as a result. You might just need more time at a lower level to really develop your feel & confidence and learn to trust this horse before putting the jumps back up… but your trainer should be able to tell you this & make a plan to address it, not dismiss your concerns.
6 Likes
I know, but I do have a couple of equine vet acquaintances and all of them ride and one of them is actually doing the 1.50 classic with her stallion this year. I think it’s just being able to organize and make sure to make time but that’s just in my experience. For now I’m starting to apply to schools and I hope my experience in clinics helps me.
I still don’t know what I’m specializing in but for now I love anything related to reproduction and orthopedic in large domestic animals like horses and cows. I totally get not going in thinking that you just need to love animals, had to help a dog cross the rainbow bridge last week for the first time, and I’ve helped out in surgeries handing out things and just watching. Vet medicine is just… it’s sort of my happy place.
3 Likes
I think my trainer did it for me.
Update in general but I gathered the courage and actually went to go do some flatwork alone today at my barn. I actually really enjoyed it, my mare ended up really relaxed and I felt happy how she worked. One of my friends who happens to be a trainer (I don’t ride with him because he’s told me he thinks he’d overstep our trust because of how close we are as friends and that our styles wouldn’t match well but he helps me out once in a while) was there and gave me some pointers and watched me the last 10 minutes of my ride while giving me some tips. It was fun, I enjoyed it.
Went to work and I ignored my phone and I came back to it to see two missed calls from my current trainer and a message from my stable hand (he helps me out feeding my horse during the night and watching over her since she tends to toss and turn and get stuck during the night) telling me that whatever decision i took he would back me up 100%. This is a very familiar situation, it’s happened before more than once. Tried calling my trainer back and nothing, got a message saying that he’d call me back but as i said this has happened before and I pretty much know what’s about to go down. i’m almost 100% positive someone saw my friend giving me tips and helping me out while riding and my trainer found out and now thinks I’ve decided to leave and is just waiting to scold me and tell me I’ve embarrassed him by riding with someone else while i’m still paying him.
So yeah, I think our relationship has just turned sour. My trainer friend told me that he thinks my trainer has overstepped since we have a lot of years together and confidence between each other so he thinks he can do what he wants and I won’t leave. Time to move on, talk to him and end things as friendly as possible because i do think he’s a great horseman who knows how train horses very nicely. Last few times he did this I ended up in tears begging him not to drop me and that I would try harder but not this time, the second he says I should ride with someone else I’m not even going to argue. I’ll say ‘ok, whatever you want, thank you for everything.’ I’m going to prioritize my mental health as well as my relationship with my mare, wish me luck I guess
6 Likes
You need to find a different barn and different trainer. You know that (at least the second).
Don’t make the mistake I did and stay at the same barn and just switch trainers. It will be very awkward.
8 Likes
It’s probably time for you to go to another barn and ride with another trainer. But first, take some time and just enjoy your horse. You are constantly drilling both you and your horse. How many times do you just take your horse on a hack on a loose rein? Taking your horse out and exploring new trails and new venues will help build your relationship.
As for jumping, years ago I took lessons with Ronnie Mutch. He would set up courses of poles on the ground for practicing. He said it was important to develop your eye without over stressing your horse. Your horse has only so many jumps in her. Use them wisely.
18 Likes
