Its been almost two days since I have been on the boards. I apologise that this will be very long. Its been a very hard weekend and the week just got even hearder. Today I buried a very dear friends of mine sister. and about 30 mins. ago i got a call that I just lost another dear friend. The one I laied to reast today sufferd for too long. As I stood their I began to look around at everyone. She wanted a big funeral and I can’t begin to describe how butifull it was. I haven’t stoped crying. Portia thanks for keeping me together. I stood their and as I said my fairwell I stood and looked down into that deep hole. Was she realy gone? Was she realy in that box? and if not why isn’t she standing here holding my hand like she use to reinsure to me that she was ok? Then it dawned on me and I realized she was in that box. She realy was gone. And shes never comeing back no mater how hard i wish that I would wake up from this dream and see her tomarow at school where we all use to hang out. But she won’t be ther. Her sister had been so strong threw all of this and for the first time she cried. she couldn’t be strong anymore. There was not one thing I could say to comfort her ease as I held her while she poured out 5 days of pain. Even her mother and father and brother were not there mentaly it was like a dream to all of us. Was this happy girl that only 2 weeks ago was going to clubs and movies with us realy gone. It still hasn’t dawned on me. I don’t know when it will and at that point how will i deal with it all… She died from newmonia…
Im shareing this story with you all because that could have been any of us. How do you think the people who you leave behind will be able to coupe with the circumstances? Think of what this will do to your family. How do you think your parents will deal with this if they know their pride and joy will never wake up again. Think for a moment and listen to my words. When we are gone there will be an enpty feeling in everyones heart that we affected. And an even bigger spot for our parents. For most parents they pray for their children to out live them but in cirtian situations they don’t and for the reast of their lives they have that emptyness. Its hard to have a mother standing their draped over your shoulder crying. saying the words why did she half to go now? why not later? Thoes questions can never be answerd. All that can be said to comfort is … Shes no longer suffering, no longer in pain, and is at piece instead of pain…None of us know our time but for some they are contributing… Maby it would have been easier if we knew she was that sick but she didn’t want to hurt any of us. She wanted to live her time as long as she could till her sick body couldn’t take it…She had been sick her hole life… She was a diabetic… but each time she bounced back… There are some questions that still are waiting to be answerd…
Cozmo, dimond, and all who choose the road to be skiny. for a moment pretend that she is you… How do you think all who love you in some way will deal with the pain of you being gone? How can you stand their and think for one moment that they will be ok? They won’t and thats the simple fact. you probubly never thaught of this? have you? This friend of mine that I laied to rest today could have been any of you.
Im compleatly out of my mind at the moment. Today had been one of thoes days you wish never had to be. I have read all of the new posts and I half to give an aplaud to Sarah for what she wrote. Im here If you ever need to talk. You are a very strong person. What will we be able to look back on when we are older… THE HAPPY MOMENTS… not the bad not the wins not how much we wone or made in life the happy moments…
Tedy there are some things in your post that I hate to say but I would like to rip apart. Not to be mean but to be logicle. Although yo did have some good parts the first half is my main objective… For onr momrnt think what it truly is like to be a person with eating disorders. look at the sights I have given out. put yourself in the shoes of them and realy understand. I can understand cause I was their and in the worse way. I sacraficed my life and for that i came literaly days away for leaveing this world as I know it. That is why I say what I do and in the way i do cause i WAS there I came close and for what. to be skiny fo myself? to do it for what I wanted? NO plain and simple fact…I LISTEND AND I DID IT CAUSE I THOUGHT THATS WHAT EVERYONE ASKED AND WANTED" You might have done it in a safer maner of looseing the weight but your prioraties still were not their. you still did it for the sake of others> for thoes dam judges that make you think that you hald to. All you had to do was go out buy some in evpensive used boots some new britches and atire. Thats all you had to do. 7lbs big woop you probubly could not even tell but you could since your rideing atire did not fit properly. You did it to fit into some worthless clothing that could have been replaced… Im sory Im harsh but my point is you thought you did it in a healthy maner but your focus was not on the right place and that is why I can not reward you.
to all…
Ask this question What makes a good horseman?
“I hear what you are saying. I understand perfectly that you want to look as slim as the other girls at the big shows. Wanting to be the same weight as your toughest competitors makes sense to me because I know that being heavier is a handicap to your winning ability at the big shows.”
Do you realy hear what cozmo is saying? Its only a handicap because the judges made it that way.
“Extra pounds won’t necesarily stop you from beating thinner girls, but they won’t help you at all, that is for sure. You usually have to make up for being heavier by riding better than the rest, which puts you at an unfair advantage.”
Remember my question above? I rather see her wit a fue extra pounds and a better rider than a skiny slopy rider that gets pined for the look. It puts her at a good advantage with her self cause she can sit there and go wow I ride so much better than them and when Im older I can go farther than them. while they are still here. I would rather be known as someone who rode their best, was a real orsewoman, and tried my hardest. Thats the reward not some little point thing or ribon. It how you feel inside.
“It is just not a level playing field. That is a horrible, horrible fact, but it is the truth, nevertheless. I don’t see how writing into the AHSA and raising awareness will ever change the situation. Girls will always want to be thin and judges will always favor riders that are slender. It’s disgusting… yes… but it’s also a mentality that is not going anywhere soon.”
if we want to stop it it has to start with the induvidual riders. Standing up for honesty and real judgeing. We do have a say if its big enough and if we ge to gether and voice our opinion we will be heard. trust me we will it just takes time and paitence. it is the year 2000 and its about dam time we start changeing how things are done. we have ppowe and that is our money. If we want something done we work our hardest to make the more powerfull ( bigger walets) listen to us and have them help us get to where we want to be. We are a paying customer every time we show or renew our membership. And what is the first rule of sales in any business? The customer is always right. and we are the customers here…
“What we need to to do is learn to cope with it. Cozmo… you are a such a classic example of how junior girls feel. What needs to be addressed her is how Cozmo can deal with these feelings of hers in a safe and non-harmful way. Some have posted that she should not feel the way she does… that she has no reason to loose weight and that she should not heed her trainer’s and judge’s words. Well of course she SHOULDN’T, but she does anyway. No one can force her to change her feelings anymore than my girlfriends here at college can try to make me stop obsessing over this silly guy who I know is SO not worthy of my time and energy, but who I constantly think about anyway, DESPITE the fact that I know he is a jerk. We feel the way we feel whether we like it or not, and it usually takes years and years to change the strongest of our feelings (and a lot of therapy).”
The reason we say this is because for thoes of us that have said it have folowed in simalar shoes as me and can relate. Its their warning to not do what we made the mistake of doing. We sufferd for it for so long and the more we say thoes words the more she will see and be able to grab deep down and find what is needed of he from herself. Remember I do work as a volenteer at a clinic and I repeat myself over and over again in diffrent ways till everyone heres me the same and can sit there and go I can’t balive i was that dumb to think that. The more of us that say it the more aware that people are to what is in them and what they need to do to corect their miss judgement.
“SO… here are my recommendations for “coping” with the feelings of inadequacy you have regarding your weight. First of all, please consider going to a therapist. There is a lot of bad therapy out there, so you have to be wise in choosing someone, but when you do find the right person, therapy can be one of the most rewarding and helpful expereinces. It is something you have to do for yourself. My mother wanted me to see someone for years becuase she thought I was holding myself back from winning by psyching myself out. We also had a lot of family problems too. Well, I refused to go for a very long time. I was too embarassed really. I didn’t want to have to explain to people why I was doing it and I really thought that I could deal with my problems by myslef. When I came to school, my friend finally got me to go to her therapist. I can not even begin to tell you what it has done for me. I wish so much that I had gone when I was a junior, I can’t imagine how much it would have helped me then. With you, Cozmo, a therapist would provide an outlet for you outside of your family and riding.”
Therapy is a wonderfull thing and I do agree here but the first mistake is being forced. And what I mean by this is when you are forced a sheild is built and you stand their and feel imbarised as you so planly stated in your post further down. Accepting that you need help is the first step so that this does not hapen. When forced you feel like you have no controll over yourself. you have this feeling like you are not normal and then later down you sit their and think that you are so horable that you can not tell people that you have a problem. The way the world goes for real therapy is to talk about it to all the people you know know why. Don’t be ashamed let it go. Im not ashamed of telling people Hey Im dislexic hey I had eating disorders, Hey I have a kidnie that is my sisters, that I tried to kill myself in un friendly ways. Yes I did slice my wrist cause you want to know why I was tired and i didn’t want it anymore, Im not ashamed to telll people that Im missing a breeast, Im not ashamed to tell people that I suffer from time to time of depression, Im not ahamed to tell people that I was sexualy asulted as a chiled Im not ashamed to tell people that the reason I was sick last year was that I finaly realized that a year and a half prior I was raped. That is tharapy right there not being ashamed of yourself for all of the S*** that has hapend to you. Once you can do that and say HEY WORLD GUESS WHAT I HAD A CRAPPY LIFE BUT I LEARNED SOMETHING AND IM NOT ASHAMED TO SAY IT ANY MORE. You think that was easy for me. NO. Maby I should not have said all of that but I did and you want to know something I feel better for it cause that is one more person I feel comfortable with. That is one less person I half to lie about my life to. Man I feel better. Maby my life could have had diffrent situations and maby some of this did not half to hapen but it did and there is nothing I can do to change it. but being able to stand and not live behind a curtian where I am ahamed of myself is what I want and that is why Im so happy with myself cause I know that if i conqured this all and Im still here I did something right. I want to be known not a the mystry person but as the person who shared for people to learn and become stronger.
“I know you think that you are too busy between riding, school, and everything else, but you just need to budget an hour a week and it is SOOOOOO completly worth it. If you think that you would be embarassed then the key is not to tell people! It might seem hard to keep it a secret, but it really isn’t. I have a huge group of freinds at school who I am with all of the time, and only two of my freinds know I am in therapy. If your parents are in issue, let me know, because I have lots of ways to get around them. My mother doesn’t even know I am seeing anyone! Believe me when I say that that is a feat!”
Man and that above was only a start. I hate to say it but You realy did the second NO NO to therepy. telling someone that if their parents are hard that talking to them is worthless. If that was true. Who in this world made you? HMM not some angle your mother made you and so did your father. Your parents are your best friends weather you want to admit it or not they ar. Who nurtured you, who took the extra money they had to let you do this sport? who suported you? Who did everything they could do till the money was too tight? who pais for your school or sends you money when you need a fue? Ho clothed you? who put a roof over your head? Who will be their when times are tough? Who will be there when you need a shoulder to cry on? you guessed it YOUR MOM AND DAD and there is no changeing that. They are permanent. Too keep a seacret from your parents is the worst thing cause you are liveing a lie to them. You are not being honest to them and that is the bigest lie you can live with. You might tink your parent are horable but at some point in life we all think it. Im proud to say that my mother is my beast friend. I would die for her if need be. I would love her till the day she is no longer there. I am gratefull to have been born into the family that I was. I keep nothing from my mom. I tell her all. and why do I cause she knows me the best. Im just like her cause she taught me what I know. I regreat giveing her a hard time when I was young. But Our parents only have so long on this earth. Who will be there for you when they are gone? People come and go but your parents will and i mean will neaver turn their backs nomater how horable they are. If they did not want you they could have given you away but they didn’t and they gave you all thay had to make you happy. Have they ever asked for all the thousands and thousands that they put out for you back. No because no parent will. You nead to learn to become friends even if it involves biting your toung.
Sory guys I know that was alot but as i said its been a long fue days. Ill have more of something posative in themorning when I get all of this out of my system.
night
[This message has been edited by CTT (edited 04-11-2000).]
If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, feel free to email me at 