We're fighting about dog...

[Canaqua]

DH and I never fight. But, we’re at an impasse about a dog and I’m tempted to pull “rank” on him…“rank” meaning I’m an independent person who doesn’t make ALL her decisions in concert with her spouse. And, I own the home we live in and well, who is he to veto me?

We have one dog right now, our BC mix. Well, “my” BC mix. She’s most attached to me, but she loves everyone. We had to put DH’s 18 year old ACD to sleep back on July 3. DH already had that dog when I met him and she was a very serious handful…human aggressive, for real. Once I moved in, I was the one who managed her, kept her out of trouble, paid for her vet care, walked and ran her, fed her better food than the Purina Dog Chow that DH was feeding her. Ponied up for Adequan and Previcox…gave the Adequan shots myself. She didn’t make it to 18 for lack of MY effort. I LOVED that dog, even though she was the most difficult dog ever and I did not choose her. At the bitter end, arranged and paid for euthanasia after she had a stroke and couldn’t walk anymore and DH was having a meltdown. 15 years of that. I really loved that dog, she was his dog, but he was not managing her for 15 out of her 18 years, I was.

I want another dog. There is a completely awesome “King Shepherd” looking for a home locally. It’s emergent, owners can’t keep him and it will be hard to rehome such a big dog. He’s 5, intact, HUGE, and incredibly sweet. Especially considering that he’s an intact male who currently gets very little exercise. He needs a bath, tons of brushing, his nails trimmed, a heartworm test and to get his vaccines brought up to date. Oh, and neutering ;). All basic stuff, but he is a very well tempered dog, I really couldn’t believe it, 110 lb intact male shepherd was willing to let my bitchy BC give him the what for and took it with aplomb and turned the other cheek.

DH wants to veto the dog, says it’s too big, too hairy and he wants to pick the next dog. But, he’s never been the one responsible for the dogs! It’s me! He pets them and fusses over them, but that’s about it. I do the grunt work, why does he care what dog I get? He wants to “pick the next dog” because he doesn’t want any dog (even though he loves them)…mostly because he refuses to deal with his arthritic hip and resents anyone or anything being remotely active around him.

[stellaroo]

When I was in this situation, I said to my spouse: I’m going to look at this german shepherd on Thursday after work.
He said: I’ll go with you.

And he loaded him in to the car and was pleased with himself for deciding to bring the dog home.

And IMO, you don’t need accord to get the dog.

[toady123]

I am sure there will be some that say you should do what you want (and based on other threads some might also suggest he is a narcissist, a deadbeat etc), but I think that your DH is still mourning. Regardless of the grunt work, HIS dog has died, and that is hard.

Good relationships are based on respect. He deserves to be consulted if there is a new animal joining the pack. Particularly after a loss. I would never consider TELLING my DH that I’m going to buy a new dog and he can suck it. Because, frankly, if he did that to me I would be PISSED! It’s about mutual respect.

Sit him down, explain your feelings, and the reason you want this dog. Hopefully he will understand your motivation and come around. If not, maybe it is worth waiting until he is a little more ready. Otherwise, you may need to be prepared that he will resent you and this dog for a while.

[khall]

Huh, well I tend to live by better to ask for forgiveness than permission. All of our dogs (ok really mine) 4 in total were found/rescued by me, brought home by me and are taken care of by me. My DH has decided that animals will always be in my life and it is better for me to be happy than for him to get upset about our dogs, one cat and 5 horses. The only thing my DH requests is no inside cats anymore, dogs inside are ok.

[Trakehner]

Guess it depends on if you want to be married or not.

"I’m an independent person who doesn’t make ALL her decisions in concert with her spouse. And, I own the home we live in and well, who is he to veto me?

You really have to get over yourself. If it was a male saying this about making a decision about his wife…the Cothers would go batshit. Who is he? A spouse, half the household, your partner…this is an example of your attitude, not his. Phew…he should leave, he deserves better and you deserve someone in your life you respect. You sure don’t respect him.

[saje]

Holy hell, I agree with Trakhener. (In message if not delivery)

You need to hash this out with him, LISTEN to his side of things, and explain your thoughts to him clearly, unemotionally, and without judgment. He’s your partner not your slave or child. He gets a say in what creatures he lives with.

[betsyk]

If the tables were turned and he brought home a pet that you didn’t buy into, how would you feel?

[jetsmom]

I agree with trak too.
He is your spouse. He deserves some respect and consideration. He loved his dog but wasn’t a great owner. But he still loved his dog. I’d talk to him, and explain how you feel, and really listen to how he feels. If you need to help this dog and he isn’t on board with it, maybe post him on giveaways and Facebook and try to find him a home or a no kill shelter. If you get it regardless of his feelings he will resent you and the dog. If that dog is more important than your marriage, then you need to not be married to him. Because just shoving the dog down his throat is guaraneed to damage your marriage.

[Horsegal984]

Yeah, sorry I actually agree with Trak too. If I found out that my DH was speaking like that about me I would be livid. I’m a grown adult and make my own decisions as well, but when those decisions affect him as well it’s only fair that we come to agreements. He respects me enough to do the same.

With that said, I foster for a local breed rescue and often will only give him a day or less notice that a new foster dog is coming in. I also have an “adopted kid sister” that would come stay for a night or two when her home life got too rough. I would text DH from work and tell him we’re having company tonight and all he would reply is “change the sheets or the crates?” It’s one of the reasons I love him so much.

I don’t know your husband from Adam, but I think he may have a realistic concern about his hip. I have joint issues and sometimes even my 35lb boy bumping into me is really unbearable, nevermind if I had to hold on to the leash of a big active dog at work, or try to restrain one on a bad day. 110lbs is not a small dog, what if he suddenly had a back injury and needed to be picked up and put in the car? You can’t lift that alone and DH may well not be able to help you without hurting himself. I hate getting phone calls from elderly or single owners who’s dog is having true life or death emergency and they don’t have help to get them into the clinic.

[chism]

[QUOTE=Horsegal984;8309730]
Yeah, sorry I actually agree with Trak too. If I found out that my DH was speaking like that about me I would be livid. I’m a grown adult and make my own decisions as well, but when those decisions affect him as well it’s only fair that we come to agreements. He respects me enough to do the same.

With that said, I foster for a local breed rescue and often will only give him a day or less notice that a new foster dog is coming in. I also have an “adopted kid sister” that would come stay for a night or two when her home life got too rough. I would text DH from work and tell him we’re having company tonight and all he would reply is “change the sheets or the crates?” It’s one of the reasons I love him so much.

I don’t know your husband from Adam, but I think he may have a realistic concern about his hip. I have joint issues and sometimes even my 35lb boy bumping into me is really unbearable, nevermind if I had to hold on to the leash of a big active dog at work, or try to restrain one on a bad day. 110lbs is not a small dog, what if he suddenly had a back injury and needed to be picked up and put in the car? You can’t lift that alone and DH may well not be able to help you without hurting himself. I hate getting phone calls from elderly or single owners who’s dog is having true life or death emergency and they don’t have help to get them into the clinic.[/QUOTE]

BTDT… Just went through this recently when we lost my husband’s terror of a rescue dog… … luckily for me, my husband completely surprised me with his choice of a new dog that is almost as good as what I would have chosen.
MHO… He’s mourning the loss of HIS dog, even if you did all the work (which many of us women do), the dog was his. So of course, he’s going to want to choose the next dog, which is only fair. You need to have a conversation, starting with how you understand his feelings… then explain yours. Hopefully a compromise will be in the works… maybe you go see this dog, he’ll agree he’s pretty cool, and eventually in time, he picks a third dog that’s his. If not…you should probably pass on this dog. I think throwing down the gloves and saying “I’m gonna do what I want, damn it!” is not conducive to a harmonious relationship.

[JanM]

I think your husband is still grieving his dog, and feels disloyal. I know you fell in love with the new dog, but it may be too soon for your husband. He may also just be reacting to the thought of ‘replacing’ his dog (even though you did all of the work).

Take him to meet the dog, remind him that you’ll do all of the work, and see if he falls in love. I think it’s a matter of love. He still loves the previous dog, and you love the new one. I don’t think either of you is the bad guy here. You want to help a dog, and he still grieves the previous one.

It may be that he’s not just ready, but if he found the Shepherd he would have wanted him too.

[suz]

I get you op, I really do. My late dh was a nut for weims—he liked to look at them and play with him, but mom (me) got to do the training and caring for their entire lives–hmm, just as with dh, but that’s another story.

Anyway, if it were me i’d consider ‘giving’ the shepherd to my spouse as a gift, my dh was a sucker in that way, lol.

p.s. Is a King shepherd the same as a Shiloh shepherd?

[pezk]

[QUOTE=Trakehner;8309604]
Guess it depends on if you want to be married or not.

"I’m an independent person who doesn’t make ALL her decisions in concert with her spouse. And, I own the home we live in and well, who is he to veto me?

You really have to get over yourself. If it was a male saying this about making a decision about his wife…the Cothers would go batshit. Who is he? A spouse, half the household, your partner…this is an example of your attitude, not his. Phew…he should leave, he deserves better and you deserve someone in your life you respect. You sure don’t respect him.[/QUOTE]

Oh BS. Good Lord, if I had asked my husband about owning any dog, I never would have had even one. Didn’t ask, just brought them home, one by one over many years. My husband adjusted.

The problem with Canaqua isn’t the husband not liking dogs, it’s grieving and not wanting to go thru old age and euth an animal that is loved. I can understand that feeling. I’m in my late 60s and it’s getting harder to make those decisions.

That said I have one old dobe left and I just took in a 10yr old intact male GSD for a friend of a friend who was seriously ill and couldn’t take care of the dog. Nice dog. Oh well, I subscribe to the theory that nature does not like a vacuum. I had PTS the best friend I ever had. Swore that there would be no more, only the female dobe left.

Well nature didn’t like that idea so this GSD now lives here.
I would go get the dog, but you need to acknowledge his feelings about the dead dog.

[saje]

Should the husband veto the dog out of hand?

No.

Should the OP declare ‘my house, my rules’ to her husband?

No.

Should they sit down like adults and really talk to each other about this?

Absolutely.

[ilmjumper]

Picking up on a little (lot) of resentment about you caring for the dogs and hubby just getting to enjoy them. My DH is the same way BUT I will say, I also jumped right in and took over so to speak…he might not see it so much as you HAVING to do everything but more so that you WANTED to do and he just let you have at it. So to him, that might not even be something he’s thought of (you doing all the work so you should pick the dog you want). My guess is either he’s still grieving and doesn’t want another dog yet or he sees the dogs as an equally shared thing-you have your dog, his died, so he should be able to get another dog.

We recently had to have a still down stay awhile conversation about our dogs with the baby due any minute now, which was mostly me explaining that he’s going to HAVE to have to stronger hand in helping with the dogs now…and us talking about schedules and rules to come up with a plan. I didn’t realize until we got pregnant that I was pretty resentful over dog related expenses/time…it was very helpful having that conversation and I fully recommend it

[beowulf]

[QUOTE=Trakehner;8309604]

You really have to get over yourself. If it was a male saying this about making a decision about his wife…the Cothers would go batshit. Who is he? A spouse, half the household, your partner…this is an example of your attitude, not his. Phew…he should leave, he deserves better and you deserve someone in your life you respect. You sure don’t respect him.[/QUOTE]

ouch… I don’t agree with you, at all.

I can see both sides but if OP is the one that is going to be caring for, financially responsible for, and emotionally invested in this dog, she should be able to bring home the one SHE wants. If DH wants to be financially responsible, emotionally invested, etc, he can bring home what HE wants.

I really think it’s kind of ridiculous to tell a poster their DH should leave them over something like this. Kind of speaks volumes about your level of commitment and also is very telling in regards to your resentment of the women on this forum.

OP, I think you should sit down and talk with hubby but you already know this. Sounds like he is grieving and from your other posts maybe he is not as emotionally fortuitous as you - that’s okay that’s why you’re there for him. I would ask him if he wants to tag along, see if he likes the dog, and like another poster says, let him feel like he was part of the decision making. He may just be feeling disloyal… I get that - I felt sick to even look at my other dogs when my “one and only” passed - but that feeling will pass and eventually he will be on board with finding a new companion with you.

I do find it a little strange that people think that the husband should be entitled to picking out the next dog but not caring for it… I’m in Canaqua’s camp - if the dog I loved died I’d want to find another and if DH told me no I’d be very upset. Especially if I just spent 15 years caring for an animal that DH only petted. However… I will say as much as I love GSDs, especially K-GSDs, if your husband cant enjoy the dog with you (you will need to keep this animal active) it may be best to look into something else that is a little less maintenance for the two of you.

[Sswor]

Meh. This is why I will stick with dogs and say forget it to relationships. Men get to slack and laze their way through life with a woman and yet somehow still supposedly retain the right to have a say in things. Nope.

[SuckerForHorses]

[QUOTE=Trakehner;8309604]
Guess it depends on if you want to be married or not.

"I’m an independent person who doesn’t make ALL her decisions in concert with her spouse. And, I own the home we live in and well, who is he to veto me?

You really have to get over yourself. If it was a male saying this about making a decision about his wife…the Cothers would go batshit. Who is he? A spouse, half the household, your partner…this is an example of your attitude, not his. Phew…he should leave, he deserves better and you deserve someone in your life you respect. You sure don’t respect him.[/QUOTE]

I have to say, I agree with this too.

My BF pays the rent where we live, but not once have I EVER heard him call it “HIS HOUSE” and if he did, he could live there on his own.

Presumably when you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone, you don’t use money and what you pay for as something to throw in their face when you want to get your way with something.

[RacetrackReject]

I can see the OP’s side. I think some of the things you guys are picking on are just things she said out of frustration here.

I would sit down with SO/DH and say that you just really want this dog and since you are the one who takes care of the dogs anyway, it wouldn’t be any more work for him if you were to get this dog. Then, down the road, when he is ready for another dog, he can still get the dog he wants and be responsible for it.

I have to admit, I’m a bit like you and would probably have the same knee-jerk reaction. My parents threatened me with death several times as a teenager- “if you bring home one more stray animal off of the side of the road” type deals, but they were both suckers too. My dad would start playing with the mutt and the “it must go” would turn into “look what I taught him to do”.

Has your DH met the dog? I volunteer for a local shelter and I have often found that that makes a big difference. The wife or husband will come and look at a dog, but the SO says no. Later, they will bring SO in to see the dog and the SO generally changes their mind after meeting the dog.

Off topic, but I thought Trak was banned?

[D_BaldStockings]

Why would you bring a dog into a house where one partner doesn’t like or want him.

This is not good for the dog’s mental state.

Talking this out is in order. And yes, I think if he doesn’t want a huge hairy dog he is entitled to say no.
he may not want ANY other dog at this point, while you want to fill the hole ASAP; this will be a very resentful and volatile home environment for the new dog = not good.

Work it out between you first. Have you even asked if he wants to bring in another dog? And what sort?

You are a family. Work with it.

If the dog is in desperate need, then foster or find it another home.