We're fighting about dog...

[jetsmom]

[QUOTE=Rackonteur;8314011]
Thank you, arapaloosa_lady. :encouragement:

You’re jumping to conclusions, jetsmom. OP never said DH never walked his dog. Nor did she say he refused to have his dog put down. What she did say was that he had a meltdown when the dog had a stroke. So maybe he was having a meltdown there in the vet’s office and OP moved in and told the vet to put the dog down because DH couldn’t. Having a meltdown is not the same as refusing to do something.

Read for content, please.[/QUOTE]
Unless I am confusing the posters, op had a thread a while back, about how the dh wouldn’t put down the dog and it was suffering and had a thread asking what to do.

[french_fry]

I am absolutely amazed that people will bring home a new pet without their partner being on board first. Like, FLOORED.

A dog is not a piece of furniture. It is not realistic to expect to do 100% of the care for the dog yourself without your partner so much as letting it out to go to the bathroom when he’s working from home or you get home from work later than him. A lot of dogs have behavioral issues when they first arrive at their new home - destructive behavior, separation anxiety, chewing, barking, etc. that affect everyone in the household whether they are responsible for the dog’s care and training or not.

I work with a rescue that has pretty loose adoption standards and one of the only non negotiables is that everyone in the household must be on board.

Would you bring home a new pet without talking to your roommate about it first? No? Then why would you do it with someone you supposedly respect and love more than a Craigslist stranger?

I am totally blown away.

This is, of course, a totally different situation than having an SO that has a standing “open door policy” with animals and will be thrilled to greet the new arrival. This is also different than urgently taking in a dog or cat off the street with no other options - you can always rehome that animal later. This is the OP saying “my DH unequivocally does not want this specific dog” and posters telling her to get it anyway.

[khall]

french fry, did you read my post where my DH wanted me to take the bully mix dog I adopted from the pound back? I refused, yes it was work to get the dog in a good place (did not help he was 50 lbs at 4 months old with NO training or socializing at all, we could clear Pet Smart in a hurry!), DH and DS and I all went to every training session (total of 12 weeks) so that DH would know how to work with him, he just did very little of it and DS was just too little weight all of 40 lbs then I did the work. But now none of us 10 yrs later would have changed a thing. We have lots of Tucker stories, he is quite the character even now. In fact he is leash restricted right now because he has hurt a shoulder having a showdown (no contact one) with a coyote. Sometimes putting your foot down is the right thing to do.

[GoodTimes]

I’m with French Fry on this one. Obviously there are different dynamics within every relationship but I couldn’t imagine bringing an animal into the house without consulting my SO.
Like others mentioned it’s a sign of respect, it doesn’t matter if only one person is “responsible” for it, it will still bark once in awhile, get in the way once in awhile, need outside when the “responsible” one is away. I put bringing pets home unannounced into the same category as inviting people to stay at your house unannounced, or heck bringing a baby into the house, they essentially have the same needs.

And to those who say the SO will get over it, sometimes they don’t. I know one husband who left because he couldn’t stand the 4 dogs and 3 cats (he wasn’t consulted about any of them). I know another who left after he found out how much his wife was secretly spending on the horses.
Lieing and lifechanging surprises aren’t always conducive to a happy relationship…

[khall]

Well I’ve never lied to my husband about the animals ever, I did not tell him until a week after I had the kittens, so I guess that is a lie of omission but if he had asked me what I was doing in the middle of the night I would have told him. I never had any intention of keeping the kittens and I usually don’t with the dogs I pick up except for Tucker who was from high kill shelter. The 3 out of our 4 were pick ups, I tried to rehome 2 of them, one the rescue I was going through went kaput and the other I tried to rehome but he jumps fences so he stayed here as a farm dog. The 4th was not me, I had a rescue to take him when DH said no keep him.

As for what it costs me on the horses, I work it out every year for taxes, DH can look at it if he wants. DH knew I came with horses, dogs and cats (as long as they are not inside cats he is ok) and that I routinely rescue and foster dogs and cats/kittens, he knows the animals make me happy and he is ok with that. I do consult him on big money decisions always, we have never not done something for one of our animals because of money.

DH has had a hard time since we lost our hound X 10 yrs ago really connecting to another dog, Tucker though comes closest because he is Tucker. It really hurt DH for us to have to make the decision to put our hound Winston down, don’t think he wanted to go through it again. Me, the animals always make me feel better and I love helping those animals in need, DH knows this and is ok with making me happy.

In fact we live on a 40+ acre farm because of my horses https://www.facebook.com/347546461986279/photos/a.347546808652911.65310225.347546461986279/347546821986243/?type=1&theater, we knew before we got married we would eventually buy and build our own farm and we did, been here almost 11 yrs now. We dated for 4 yrs before marrying, some of that time I was a working student and DH would visit me, he knew what he was getting into.

[pezk]

[QUOTE=GoodTimes;8314846]
I’m with French Fry on this one. Obviously there are different dynamics within every relationship but I couldn’t imagine bringing an animal into the house without consulting my SO.
Like others mentioned it’s a sign of respect, it doesn’t matter if only one person is “responsible” for it, it will still bark once in awhile, get in the way once in awhile, need outside when the “responsible” one is away. I put bringing pets home unannounced into the same category as inviting people to stay at your house unannounced, or heck bringing a baby into the house, they essentially have the same needs.

And to those who say the SO will get over it, sometimes they don’t. I know one husband who left because he couldn’t stand the 4 dogs and 3 cats (he wasn’t consulted about any of them). I know another who left after he found out how much his wife was secretly spending on the horses.
Lieing and lifechanging surprises aren’t always conducive to a happy relationship…[/QUOTE]

There is no lie involved. But I guess being married for 40 yrs isn’t good enough for many of the posters.

[BuddyRoo]

[QUOTE=pezk;8314937]
There is no lie involved. But I guess being married for 40 yrs isn’t good enough for many of the posters.[/QUOTE]

If it works for you and your partner, that’s great. But it doesn’t sound like your situation is comparable to the OP’s. The OP’s husband doesn’t want this particular dog.

On our very first date, my now DH and I threw down our deal breakers. For me it was my dog and horses. For him it was his kids. We agreed right up front that those were priorities for us. I know some people who rehome a pet because their new partner doesn’t like it, is allergic, etc. I think that’s batpoo crazy, but to each their own.

So I don’t think anyone is saying they don’t believe that it works for you–just that in many relationships, it wouldn’t be acceptable. That’s a pretty big commitment to take on unilaterally as it affects the entire household.

And since the OP was asking what others though, others chimed in. The majority don’t have the kind of open door policy your husband has.

[toady123]

[QUOTE=pezk;8312453]
Well as we can see, it goes both ways.

I can’t even imagine asking permission. Wow. Can’t even imagine. I don’t know of any woman who would either. None of my friends would even consider asking their husband if they could have a dog, cat etc.[/QUOTE]

Would you be OK if DH brought home an animal without permission?

I think it comes down to expectations and what each partner considers respectful. I personally would be pretty angry if DH brought home a pet without consulting me. Likewise, I would consult him first before making such a decision. There are likely others who don’t ask and don’e expect permission to be given/granted in which case there would be no issue.

In the case of the OP, there IS a disagreement about a pet coming into the house. In my opinion, that needs to be resolved first. To bring a dog in when you KNOW it is against your DH’s wishes is just disrespectful.

It always worries me when someone is willing to put an animal over another person who they are supposed to love and care about. That can speak volumes about the state of affairs of the human relationship.

[pezk]

Of course it would be ok if DH brought home an animal.but it won’t happen because he doesn’t want the responsibility of taking care of it.

As far as the OP, she was the one doing almost all the care taking. It wasn’t her DH. She should have the right to bring home what she wants. If he is going to share in the responsibility then he can help decide, but it didn’t sound like the day to day responsibility was for him. Maybe the fun, but not the responsibility.

[S1969]

[QUOTE=pezk;8315276]
As far as the OP, she was the one doing almost all the care taking. It wasn’t her DH. She should have the right to bring home what she wants. If he is going to share in the responsibility then he can help decide, but it didn’t sound like the day to day responsibility was for him. Maybe the fun, but not the responsibility.[/QUOTE]

See - you can keep saying it but people will still disagree. If she wants “the right” to bring home any animal she wants without discussion or compromise - maybe she shouldn’t be married. Just because it works for YOU doesn’t mean it works for everyone. I think that attitude sucks. You have the right to leave your marriage any time you want. Aside from that, I don’t think there is a “bill of rights” with regard to marriage/partnership/co-habitation. You do what works for both parties.

[pezk]

I’ll take my marriage any day instead of having to ask permission. That concept of asking your spouse for permission floors me. It’s not my lifestyle or the women I know.
If that’s the way you/others want to live, that’s fine but I don’t understand it just like you dont understand me.

[ElisLove]

No one is talking about ‘asking permission’ like a ‘submitting wife’ would ask permission. We are talking about having a discussion and coming to an agreement. This can apply to every area of a relationship.
Like if someone decided they wanted to go on vacation alone for a week. It’s be kinda weird for them to just not come home and not call till they got to Mexico.
Or if they decided to buy a new house but didn’t say anything till after they signed the bill of sale.
Or if they decided to take a job halfway around the world and only told you after he had accepted it and planned his move.

[BuddyRoo]

[QUOTE=pezk;8315361]
I’ll take my marriage any day instead of having to ask permission. That concept of asking your spouse for permission floors me. It’s not my lifestyle or the women I know.
If that’s the way you/others want to live, that’s fine but I don’t understand it just like you dont understand me.[/QUOTE]

It’s not permission. I don’t ask for permission in my home either. It’s about asking for buy in

If I wanted to just do things like Burger King–ie: have it my way–I wouldn’t have gotten married. We’re a team and we’re in it together. I don’t ask for permission but I am really offended if I don’t get the opportunity to opt in.

[toady123]

[QUOTE=pezk;8315276]
Of course it would be ok if DH brought home an animal.but it won’t happen because he doesn’t want the responsibility of taking care of it.

As far as the OP, she was the one doing almost all the care taking. It wasn’t her DH. She should have the right to bring home what she wants. If he is going to share in the responsibility then he can help decide, but it didn’t sound like the day to day responsibility was for him. Maybe the fun, but not the responsibility.[/QUOTE]

That makes sense - you have a different arrangement/approach to these things. And that’s a great thing. I think the point that other posters are making, is that there are other relationships that are more consultative in nature. And in these relationships doing something without consultation (not “asking permission”) can cause issues.

Neither is right or wrong. It’s all about what works. With the OP, it doesn’t appear to be working. It’s not about what category they fall into (do or don’t consult). Rather it’s the strife that has been created over broaching the subject of bringing an animal home. There is a disagreement and given that her DH DOES care (where yours would not), that needs to be dealt with. Respectfully.

[trubandloki]

[QUOTE=BuddyRoo;8315405]
It’s not permission. I don’t ask for permission in my home either. It’s about asking for buy in

If I wanted to just do things like Burger King–ie: have it my way–I wouldn’t have gotten married. We’re a team and we’re in it together. I don’t ask for permission but I am really offended if I don’t get the opportunity to opt in.[/QUOTE]
Very well said, BuddyRoo.

I do not get why people get their panties so bunched about another household not being like theirs.

I think the vast majority of households have things that just happen and things that you talk about and agree on before they happen.

I just do not see why it is hard for some people to understand that others are not like theirs and why they have to act like the other way is wrong.

Clearly the OP cares what the hubby thinks or the OP would not have asked. I think the OP is just stuck in the spot of wanting to ‘save this dog’ and realizing it might not be the best decision right now.

I did laugh at the comment about why he should have a say on a long haired dog if he does not vacuum. Um, he does have to remove the hair from all his clothes every day and find the hair in all his food when it floats around the house.

[GoodTimes]

[QUOTE=khall;8314866]
Well I’ve never lied to my husband about the animals ever, I did not tell him until a week after I had the kittens, so I guess that is a lie of omission but if he had asked me what I was doing in the middle of the night I would have told him. .[/QUOTE]

@pezk;8314937

There is no lie involved. But I guess being married for 40 yrs isn’t good enough for many of the posters.

When I said lieing and lifechanging surprises aren’t always conducive to a lasting relationship I wasn’t referring to either of you. You guys have made it quite clear to everyone that it works in your situations. I was pointing out that in the two cases of my family friends it didn’t work out.
I think that Buddyroo and Trubandloki phrased my view better then I did.