Lol Bluey, I call my Michelin Man look the Stay Puft Marshellow look lol
To achieve this uber glamorous look, one must not be skimpy on the gate latch holey hoof oil stained layers, you know the kind that has hay and sawdust perpetually intertwined in the threads of those fine clothes you figured were ok to wear to the barn just to check on Dobbin.
Probably the most important first layer of this seasonal awe inspiring ensemble is that dingy ol grey cool max tank top that keeps you dry (ha! Not after my husband dried it in the dryer!) Followed by that bright neon green cool max type danskin active shirt, the one that is held together by those wonderfully itchy microscopic pieces of hay,manure, anything barn related. Then on top goes the too small t-shirt that says What Happens in the Barn Stays in the Barn to help those microscopic barn finds really dig their way into your skin so no matter what you do, that t-shirt really helps to hold your first 2 layers 6" higher than where they should be.
Of course you must wear the cute little penguin star snowflake Christmas thermals over the designated Barn t-shirt. Helps heat up the skin and release some unknown substance those awesome bits of hay and whatnot seem to have an endless supply of because being overheated AND itchy is a must Do in order to achieve this sexy getup.
Now before we finish layering the top to the point you might tumble over, you must spend a good 30-40 minutes looking for a pair of somewhat clean thermal pants. But since your darling husband needs to wear 1pair to work and keep 5 extras in the back of both your trucks, you decide to just throw on your full seat breeches that have the ripped seam. Got to make sure we follow the current trend of the non horsey fashionistas out there by sporting a piece of equestrian inspired clothing.
After struggling into those full seats while being careful not to rip the seam more so when you do finally take them to the seamstress she won’t laugh at you and say Aw did someone get too big for her britches? again, you pull on your husbands sweatpants because it’s so much fun to lose your cellphone, chapstick, hoofpick, whatever, down the hole of the pockets and since ALL of his sweatpants come equipped with this magical holes you can choose whatever color you’d like.
Now that you have gotten this far, let’s discuss keeping your feet toasty warm because you know that you’re gonna find that one deep puddle by the gate that hides about a foot of cold cold water underneath its well hidden cap of snow.
First, its important to find socks that will either twist the reinforced grey heel to the top of your foot or slide off your heel and bunch up at your toes. If you don’t have a pair of those or can’t find any, please let me know. I have tons of them, some even with little holes for that third little piggy to pop out and say hello! You’re strangling me .
Next you must find a roll of dryrotted vetwrap that will only peel off triangular pieces so you can tape your handy dandy foot warmers to your arthritic toes.
After piecing together a few shreds of vetwrap, next goes on the wool hunting socks your DH has been looking all over for. Luckily, you’ve hidden them in the gap between the waterbed and its frame so they’re nice and toasty warm.
Then you fill your sweatpants pockets with your inhaler, chapstick, extra gloves, cellphone, keys and mosey on over to the mudroom where you get your first taste of how effing cold -43 degrees really is.
Here you slide on your insulated carhart bibs, buckle them on up and snap tge straps like any good ol farmer would do. This is when you start stretching getting yourself limber for the Boot Struggle, a new dance that only the outdoorsy type will know how to do.
Here’s how to do the Boot Struggle:
First try to hike up your bibs to expose one foot. Kinda loose your balance and crash into whatever furry animal that thinks it wants to go outside with you. Then after yelling GO.LAY.DOWN! in your mean mom voice, slide your toes in your uninsulated rain boot crooked so your boot will look like a broken leg. Say a few obscenities then shake your boot off.
Bend over the 2" that is way past the maximum give of your layers to grab boot. Slide foot in, trip over furry animal. Make Mean Mom Face (gotta have a dance face) because it is furry animals fault you tripped even though they were watching from safe side of kitchen then slide foot in again. Yay! Success! Your boot is on and scrunched at the heel. Woohoo! Good job.
Now do it all again with the other foot.
Once you’ve completed the Boot Struggle Dance wipe your face because all super hot farm chicks must have that perpetual sweaty harrassed look.
Toss on that smelly sweatshirt you found in your tackbox, you know the one with the extra insulation of mouse bedding in the pocket. No need to wash it. It’s gonna smell like horsecrap in a few minutes anyway and it was conveniently there.
So you’re almost ready to go. Zip up a carhart, find the least damp pair of knot gloves, put on a wool cap that’s 2 sizes too small pry a scarf out of tugowarring Dachshunds, wipe off slober and voila! You are ready to go outside and wonder why the hell do you have horses.