So I’m posting this here to get a broader set of opinions…My partner and I provide riding lessons for his daughter and have been for the past 3-4 years. Covid put the brakes on lessons, but we started back up over the past month. The relationship with the mother is toxic at best, I’ve posted about it in the past, but we’ve always informed her of the riding schedule and even encouraged her to set up lessons on her week. We’ve come to find out she’s posting on a local facebook site (Chester County Riders). Looking for riding lessons for the two of them. What is current protocol? I was always under the impression that barns should know if you ride elsewhere as a courtesy and safety precaution. We’re trying to not get involved as we don’t think it will progress too far, but at the same time as an instructor, would you want to know if a child at your barn was also riding elsewhere. I’ve reached out to her intructor at the current barn (as an FYI) so I feel I have done all I can do. We will also not be allowing equipement to go back in forth, limiting the risk of spreading disease between barns (currently EVH, but Stangles also comes to mind)
It sounds like you have a very toxic relationship, but I would not let that color your outlook on this. Others may feel differently, but it is a non-issue as far as I can see.
You do not own the student or the father.
They and the Mother have every right to learn from whomever and wherever they wish.
Tack stays at the place who owns it. Kid should have their own helmet. Boots. Etc.
You can have sanitizer for them to use before entering.
I really do not see the problem.
I wouldn’t worry about it. Id explain the situation to the trainer you already have a relationship with. Usually taking lessons at two barns is frowned upon however this situation is out of your control and any reasonable trainer should understand that and not be a jerk about it and especially not make the kid feel bad about it.
Now that said, if the training is totally different, or the new instructor is teaching the kid bad habits or is unsafe… then maybe worry. Until then I wouldn’t sweat it.
Feel free to PM me. I’m from Chester county so I can maybe give you insight to wherever they’re going.
No You are correct, I do not own the father or child, however we do live together and I do cover the riding expenses as her step mother. We are incredibly happy with the farm and intend to remain and do some local shows over the summer. My issue (and I don’t have control over it really) is that the mother is trying to find a barn to ride at and informing them that the child is not in a program elsewhere. I personally find it disingenious and creates potentially awkward situation if the child shows up at a horse show with the primary farm (the one she’s been at for 2.5 years) and the secondary trainer is there.
Unless there’s an active disease outbreak at one of the barns, I think your concern about spreading germs around on equipment is a little bit overblown, especially if there’s a full week in between being at one barn and going to the other. If the barn shows and new boarders come in from time to time, then horses are already being exposed to all kinds of things. Regardless, it’s probably better if she has a different helmet, boots, gloves, etc at her mom’s just because that’s a few less things to drag back and forth and possibly forget to take.
While trainers with students in a serious show program may frown upon students taking lessons at multiple barns, I don’t think it’s going to matter as much for a more casual rider just starting out in small local shows. Especially if the trainer knows the situation with split custody. You may have an issue if the new trainer offers really conflicting advise or is unsafe, but I’d worry about that when you get there. My guess is the lessons with mom are just at attempt at stealing your thunder and may fizzle out after a short time anyway unless the mom has real interest in riding herself.
I agree with the active disease outbreak, I think they are being very cautious currently due to the EVH concerns in Chester County. Equipment will not go back in forth (I’m not funding her crazy, if you can’t afford a helmet and boots, you really can’t afford a horse) This will most likely all fizzle out I just worry about the child having a bad experiance with something she really loves.
Uhh why not? You’re not “funding” it. She already has the equipment. This is honestly starting to seem more like a pissing match the more I read. Can’t you just be happy and supportive of the kid that she gets extra riding opportunities? I mean I get that from a logistical perspective having 2 sets of stuff is nice but it honestly just seems like you’re a little possessive over the horse thing. You will forever be the one who introduced her to horses and when she grows up she’ll remember that. Just be supportive. Maybe mom is being petty by taking the kid to a new barn… who cares. Rise above it.
Tough situation. I think this plays out more as a parental boundary problem (dad of child and the ex) versus a student taking lessons at another barn. Could Dad speak frankly with his ex ? To discuss the potential logistics ?
As a parent and my sister co-parents her husbands two boys, I wouldn’t let equipment go back and forth. Mom might forget to send it with her or loose it, plus if she falls in it, how would you know. Other parent might just let her ride in it anyway.
I would also be careful with the outbreak and make sure to have good handwashing protocols and not going straight from one barn to the other.
Please let her current instructor know the situation and your instructor might even reach out to the new barn just to touch base and make sure all parties are aware.
Yes we are funding it, we bought the helmet, boots, riding pants each and everytime she’s outgrown them. If the items go to mom’s and they are lost we need to replace them, she will not…we’ve experienced this with coats, cells phones and all other equipement that we thought could go back and forth. I think if mom wants lessons she needs to provide the basic items on her time, I don’t want the hassle of tracking down, retrieving or replacing items due to her carelessness. I don’t think its petty to have boundaries around more expensive items going back and forth. We are supportive, child informed us this week they visited the barn and we replied positively. Her mother however told her that they were looking at new barns because her intructor was mean…
I agree that keeping two sets of equipmet is best. Not the least because there’s a history of losing shared items. This way daughter can’t be sabotaged by a parent when going between homes. Its a win for her too!
Daughter will know what she needs, and it is appropriate mom buys it, since she doesn’t want to share with you.
Keep supporting and hopefully it will not do in anyone’s head.
With a kiddie lesson program, the two barns thing is really a non issue. Once the kid is in the second program with biomom, you can inform your trainer.
Because you don’t trust biomom not to steal or lose her daughter’s s gear, make the gear stay at your house and let the chips fall where they may with biomom’s arrangements.
My guess is she’s doing it to compete with you, and either won’t follow through or will soon quit. Take some calming breaths and let it play out.
Is she telling the other program the child isn’t in another program? I say this with love, as I am sure you are a nice person and are doing the very best for your step child but I feel like you feel your toes are being stepped on.
Does mom know that lessons have started back up at your house? I can easily see the child telling mom lessons were on hold due to Covid & not mentioning they’d started back.
The equipment stays at your house. That is reasonable & healthy. It is better for kids to not have to tote things back & forth between parents’ houses whenever possible. As for the rest? Make like Elsa and let it go. And I say this as a former stepmom & a divorced mom whose ex has had several serious girlfriends. It is never a bad thing for a child to have extra adults who care deeply for them in their lives. It is a bad thing for a child to feel like they’re the cause of acrimony between those adults.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter why the mom wants to take her elsewhere on her own time. Even if the relationship between mom & dad was perfect, I can’t fault her for wanting to have her own thing with her daughter, apart from yours. Your barn is your thing. Your turf. People there have surely picked up on the subtext that the relationship is strained. You don’t say if mom herself rides; I could see her legitimately finding the vibe of the barn a mismatch for her, apropos of nothing. It is better this way. I make a point of not riding at the same barn my own child does.
You’ve done your due diligence. You’ve told the instructor. The other instructor will find out soon enough when step child beebops in one day & proudly lets it slip: “At my other barn, I…”
So did you buy the equipment for the kid? Or did you buy the equipment for the kid to borrow only when she rides at a barn you picked? It sounds like you’re being petty. I do understand the logistical side to it, but if you refuse to let the kid take her own damn helmet and boots to the first few lessons, you’re just going to seem like an unsupportive, petty jerk. Also if the kid is old enough to have a cellphone, they’re certainly old enough to be responsible for their own stuff.
I think this is a bigger issue than the equipment. Just be supportive. Try to be genuinely happy the kids mother is taking an interest in horses. You’re not doing that by refusing to allow her to have her own helmet and boots just because you bought it.
Down the road, if things continue and the kid is riding consistently at two barns, then a conversation with the mom about equipment is fine. “Hey, we think It might be easier to buy her a second set of boots and a second helmet just to make the child’s life easier.” It’s not worth fighting over. Even if you’re the one who does have to replace it’s worth it to keep the peace.
I can understand this perspective, and it certainly seems like the kid should be old enough to take responsibility for her own gear. I originally agreed with you that not letting her take the riding equipment to the other house/barn seemed petty. But as the OP has elaborated more, I think the toxic relationship between the biological mom and dad/partner means that there is the possibility of the biological mom actively sabotaging the relationship the kid has with dad/partner by “losing” the riding equipment if the kid takes it to her house. It would be easy for the mom to “misplace” the equipment right before kid goes back to other house, so that she wouldn’t be able to ride at the OP’s barn.
Edited: The reply feature is being annoying. Editing to make clear I am replying to Equkelly’s post just above.
How old is this kid?
I’m thinking this is no big deal.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea that each parent keep their own set of riding clothes; just so that you don’t have to schlep them back and forth. Although, obviously if the kid is not a very young child, I also think it’s entirely reasonable that they can keep helmet, boots and chaps in a separate bag and tote them back and forth. I don’t think there is any concern with spreading disease unless you know there is an active outbreak.
I think you’re expecting it to be a thing but it is very likely not going to be anything except another opportunity for kid to pursue her interest in horses. If it fizzles out, it fizzles.
Having been both the kid and the step-parent role in a toxic parent situation, I agree with the theory that it will work best in the long run to have separate equipment at each home for riding.
This will save the kid from being stuck in the middle of the guaranteed to happen issue about the lost riding equipment.
Call it petty that the OP does not want to send the stuff to the mother’s house if you want, but in the long run this is the best answer for the kid. When the kid is old enough to be fully responsible (and that age depends greatly on the individual) for their equipment then it can be transported back and forth.
Like it or not - adults suck in these situations so the more one can do that does not require the kid to referee, the better.
I think it is good that the OP is being up front and honest with the current instructor. That is the best you can do because you have no control over Mom time.
When the post you are replying to is directly below that post the forum does not put any indication that is what you are replying to. It is a weird feature. Mod 1 knows about. As far as I know it is on the list of things that is supposed to be looked into.
One way around it is to quote.
Adding more detail…
Yes the mother is well aware child started riding again…Post went up 2 days after child had her first lesson back…
- This has been an ongoing issue so maybe that is why I’m frustrated and annoyed:
- Child started riding 4 years ago…at that time mom told child they were going to adopt 2 senior special needs (Cushings and Laminitis) horses and self care since board was to expensive…
*Mom tried to update custody order so that we needed her permission to sign the children up for activities, current order requires consent from both parents if the activity happens on both parents time, judge thought she was out of bounds
*Dad provides all scheduled lesson times to mom for her to attend and however mom harrases barn staff telling them by law they are required to inform her of all upcoming shows and lesson changes - while I understand children need to be responsible for their items, it is our resposibilty, as parents, to ensure said items get back to where they belong. When the kids were younger we would send them home in cloths that fit and she would return them in items that were to small (not a big deal until you realize that you are clothing two households)
