I just keep forgetting about this bug/quirk in the Reply feature until after I reply. I am sure that I will finally be trained at the point that it gets fixed. Lol.
OP, you sound delightfully petty and like you’re hoping to blow this tiny thing into a huge deal. You and mom sound pretty toxic, tbh. I feel sad for this kid. Hope you’re putting aside some savings for her future therapy sessions.
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I agree that mo is trying to trhow a spanner in the works. Separate equipment is best. My 15 yo step daughter forgets stuff here and at her mom’s all the time, and we have a decent relationship between the house holds. And I agree to not making the kidlet the referee.
You probably just have to breathe deep about the riding, and stay supportive of the kiddo. She probably knows what her mom is doing too, and is likely bothered by this.
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Bless Your Heart
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Lol. Ok, darlin’. Bless yours too. 
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I feel for you and reading through comments it looks like many people offering what they think is helpful advice have never been in a situation with a bio parent that is difficult and temperamental. We personally have what I consider to be a very manipulative attention seeking bio mom situation (anything that doesn’t go her way and the “I’m calling my attorney” type comments start) and would never ever ever let kiddo take expensive things to her house. Why? Well, she’s “accidentally” lost stuff, admitted to throwing it out because she hated it or destroyed it before sending back on multiple occasions. She will drop kiddo off without clothing for a weekend and then we go buy more and send him back with clothes that we never see again and it is heart breaking that her hate is more important than the kiddos well being. It is horrible to watch. I stay out of it and let my BF deal with the situation because I know my presence will just cause things to get more heated. It is sad that she doesn’t see how what she is doing will affect her son in the long run.
As for the riding… I wouldn’t worry about being in two separate riding programs. I know many children who are in more than one program. If bio mom does follow through and end up getting lessons elsewhere, and this isn’t just a “look what I can do and piss everyone off” moment (I’ve been there, I get it, but wait and see what happens) just let your trainer know. It isn’t your responsibility to get involved with the other trainer and if you do get involved sounds like you can expect to prepare for the wrath - she does her thing on her time and you do your thing on your time. Just keep your equipment that you have purchased separate, because if she’s anything like what we deal with your stuff might never end up coming back and “oh, I don’t know what happened to it” is a nice excuse that will become expensive with horse stuff. Yes, kid should be responsible for their stuff… but some parents are vindictive and don’t think about how things will hurt the kid because they truly are focused on making life hell for the other parent and that is out of a kids control.
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Wow, really? 
Even in the best case scenario, things get put in the wash and they are unavailable. But yes - this is a common experience I have heard of from some difficult custody situations…one parent buys clothes and they are never seen again.
Again, not sure how old the kid is – I would feel differently about how to handle an 8 year old versus a 15 year old. But presuming that the kid is <10, I would just keep riding stuff at the OPs house, and let the bio-mom buy riding stuff for their lessons. Boots, chaps and helmet…it’s good to have two of those anyway in case of a fall, broken zipper, etc…and they are not $500 a piece (unless you want them to be.)
Child is between 10-12 We have progressed over the years with what we allow back and forth. Kids are old enough now to take over favorite articles of clothing. I just tell them to throw it in their bag to come home and take the attitude of if its gone its gone. Riding equipement can be as expensive or inexpensive as you want it to be, so we try to balance quality against “Im replacing this every 6 months”. Like I’ve said before, if we keep the stuff at our house and she buys stuff at her house we never have to have the “can you replace the equipement you lost” discussion
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I am all for 2 sets of equipment and I’ve said down the line I think it’s a good idea just to make life easier for the kid.
What I don’t think is a good idea is refusing to let the kid use equipment she already has for these first initial lessons with mom.
For one, like I said, it makes you look petty and it will seem like an attack on mom. I get that it’s not, but that’s how she’s going to see it. She’ll see it as you sabotaging her riding with mom.
Two, and most importantly, what happens if mom just doesn’t buy her boots and a helmet and the kid has to lesson in sneakers and a bike helmet? Obviously most reputable barns wouldn’t allow that but I’ve seen plenty of places that will.
Honestly if it was my kid, I’d just want to make sure the kid is safe first and foremost. I’m not going to play games over who gets to use what based on who bought it when it could be a safety issue. That’s just me. Even if the kid “lost” her equipment at moms, so she what? Better than the kid getting a serious head injury because she took a fall in a bike helmet or getting dragged because her tennis shoe got stuck in the stirrup.
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I’ve had some first hand experiences with baby mamma drama. That would be a big hell no to letting equipment go to the other house.
Said equipment will more than likely never return if this baby mamma is half as nuts as the ones I’ve had the severe misfortune of dealing with.
IME the best strategy is to basically ignore whatever weird stuff the mom does. As long as it isn’t a call the police for child endangerment type situation, just ignore what she does. Don’t let yourself get stressed, concerned, emotional or anything. Just ignore. If any third party, ie riding instructor, approaches you with concerns about her behavior just be like “we have joint custody and mom does her own thing”. Folks will understand.
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Yes, there’s no reason to even raise the question of where the helmet and boots live. They live at your house in the basement or mudroom because they are bulky, smelly, and won’t fit into the overnight bag used by the child. End of story.
If biomom is honestly going to pay for two sets of lessons and buy her own helmet and boots, she has the cash to get boots and helmet for child. The new barn can deal with all this. Just let it play out.
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The more time the kid gets with horses and “in the saddle”, the better. It’s an escape from problems at home and with family. There may be different approaches with different coaches (toes straight forward vs toes turned out) etc, but the kid can breach those issues as they come up, and listen to what they choose. The problems between adults/ clothing locations are secondary… find a way to figure that out as best as you can. Kudos for encouraging the kid to ride.
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From someone who has no experience with custody situations; the child will grow up and you want to be remembered as the kind stepmother not one who increased the stress on the child by engaging in conflict with the mother. Divorce is difficult for kids.
It sounds as if the mother is trying to make trouble, so rise above it, don’t play the mother’s game and be drawn into petty conflict. Behave like the mature rational one that puts the child first.
Be the kind and supportive stepmother and don’t let the mother affect your relationship with the child.
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**[quote=“Pandora, post:5, topic:757681, full:true”]
No You are correct, I do not own the father or child, however we do live together and I do cover the riding expenses as her step mother. We are incredibly happy with the farm and intend to remain and do some local shows over the summer. My issue (and I don’t have control over it really) is that the mother is trying to find a barn to ride at and informing them that the child is not in a program elsewhere. I personally find it disingenious and creates potentially awkward situation if the child shows up at a horse show with the primary farm (the one she’s been at for 2.5 years) and the secondary trainer is there.
[/quote]
I apologise. I totally misread. I thought the instructor was writing not the co parent of the child.
My bad. Please disregard my post.
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Look. Every birthday, Xmas, and show season for the past 8 years, my ex husband has told my child that “by this time next year” when his firm takes off he’s going to buy her a $75k horse, a place in Wellington, nice show boots, etc. She’s now old enough to realize that he’s being grandiose. But when she was younger, I would smile and say “Wow, very nice,” and move on to the next subject. It isn’t my job to negotiate their relationship beyond complying with the court order. Believe me. Step-kiddo knows that the adopted Cushings horses are a flight of fancy on her mother’s part.
It isn’t clear to me what the custody schedule is. So I’m unsure if you mean you provide mom with the lesson schedule with the intent of her bringing the child to lessons that occur on her time, or for her to come watch lessons when it is your husband’s time. Mom is not obligated either way. And if she is harassing the staff, why in the world do you WANT her there? I’m sure the barn staff is overjoyed to know that she is pursuing opportunities elsewhere.
I agree that it is an epic clusterf–k sending gear back & forth, and your expectations for mom to buy her own are not unreasonable. What I don’t see is any mention that mom expressed any expectations that the gear travel between houses. Don’t borrow trouble or allow yourself to get wound up over things that may not even happen. No doubt mom would be pleased to know that she’s living in your head rent free. Unfortunately, step parents in the US are a social construct & not a legal one. All of this is your husband’s battle to fight. If he chooses to, that is. You cannot allow yourself to fall into the trap of caring more about it than he does. At best, it will only strain your relationship. At worst, it could cause him trouble in court down the line as some judges take a hard line against what they see as an overreach on the part of a step parent. Years ago, I worked as a legal assistant for a family law firm. Mom is annoying but relatively tame. It can get a lot worse. Believe me.
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@TheDBYC - We have the kids every other week and schedule lessons on our time and our time only. We only provided her with the schedule after she raised holy hell about it in one of the many custody hearings. The master advised both parents that they need to provide activity schedules when requested (funny we are the only ones who have ever complied).She took it upon herself to harass the barn staff in case we were lying to her. They directed her back to us. A few years ago we wanted to take her to a small schooling show and provided her with the schedule change request (per the order), she declined to allow the swtich and then called the barn to sign the daughter up for the show and advised them to and to then bill us. She then followed up with her ex and sent him a list of items to send over so she could take her daughter to the show. This is all super minor and only the tip of the iceberg . She lost all physical and legal custody of her oldest when he was 16, but unfortunaly until the children are older we’d have to prove she was running a drug den out of her house and prostituting her children to make a change to the custody, believe me we have tried. I personally think we should all stay in our lanes…we don’t interfer with her time (unless its asking why the kids missed school again) and she should stay out of our time.
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Your husband has fulfilled his court ordered duty in providing the lesson/show schedule. She can harass the barn staff all she wants. They have handled her appropriately in referring her back to your husband. Hopefully, the show’s response to her billing request and your husband’s response to the request for show gear was, “I’m sorry, that won’t be possible.” Her seeking out another barn is the perfect solution to all of this.
My other advice is outside the scope of your question, but I gently throw out there as both a stepparent, a divorced mom, and someone who used to proofread a zillion family law filings. Do you notice your word choices? "“We” do x, y, and z. “Our” time. You have a relationship of love to stepdaughter, not a legal one. There is no we or our, unless you have legally adopted the child. It is your husband’s child. At one point, he liked her mother enough to invite her to the party and have kids with her. And he must be the one who takes 100% responsibility for dealing with her mother now. I know firsthand how easy it is to say this and extraordinarily difficult to put into practice. Someone is hurting the person you love the most in the world and you want to fight back. You can’t, though. You will eventually damage your health or your marriage beyond repair.
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Personally I would let it go and worry about that if/ when it ever happens. Sounds like you have enough under normal circumstances.
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I disagree. As the OP is married to this child’s father - she is all in at this point. It is not necessary to adopt the daughter to be part of her “family” nor is it the best thing for the kids, either. Kids can have two families and be perfectly capable of managing them both. And I’m speaking as a divorced mother of two daughters.
Dysfunctional families…well, a little goes a long way.
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Oh, absolutely agree it can work in cases where the parents are on cordial terms. Given the lack of information regarding the actions and opinions of the OP’s husband in this matter, I’m not sure this is one of them.
If mom is nuts, he really needs to be spearheading the fight here. Because as cold and unfeeling as it sounds, a step-parent is nobody to the child from a legal standpoint. What I saw from our local court system, it could really matter to the judge, depending on the broader facts of the case involved. The more acrimonious the relationship between parents, the more damage risked with a very involved step parent. done by Custody mod where the step parent was pushing for more time & not the parent themselves? No no. Coaching a child to call the parent’s new spouse or SO mom or dad? Really not going to go over well.
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