What would you do?

[Scribbler]

Also let go of obsessing over what Biomom might or might not tell a coach.

I think all coaches know that most parents and adult beginners say untrue things about their riding ability either innocently or on purpose. Mostly it goes the other way, claiming kid is advanced, needs to jump 3 feet, whatever. But all coaches just suspend judgement and watch the rider. If it’s clear kiddo can already ride a bit they may say just kindly and politely, you must have been in lessons already. And kiddo will probably reply truthfully at that point.

Most English lesson programs have safety standards, boots and helmet usually being part of the insurance requirements. Some programs have loaner helmets.

Just let this play out and don’t let it disrupt her lessons on your time.

[trubandloki]

I am confused how we know that the hubby of the OP is not doing all those things and maybe he does not have an account on COTH and the OP wanted our opinion on how they (yes they, as a family, they) should handle the situation. That in no way means that the hubby does not step up and handle his X, or make the arrangements, or…
Just because the OP uses inclusive pronouns does not mean the OP is an evil step-mother.

[Thames_Pirate]

Not a parent or a step parent, so I am only speaking as a horse person. I think it makes sense to make the current barn (Trainer X) aware that mom has signed kid up at Trainer Y’s. Trainer X will undoubtedly know Trainer Y. If they express immediate safety concerns (“They don’t require helmets at Y’s place”), let the court sort it out. If X and Y are friends, leave it to X to say something to Y. Hopefully the response is “it’s great that kid is getting extra saddle time and instruction on a different horse.” If X and Y have a negative relationship, but there is no red flag about Y, then at least your trainer isn’t blindsided when the kid shows up on Y’s lesson horse on mom’s weekend.

I think you avoid any contact with Y; that’s mom’s business (again, unless it’s unsafe). Have horse gear stay at your house.

[Pandora]

Been busy, but general update:

• I would never approach the other barn, her relationship, her time, her business
• Current Barn is aware, they understand the issues with Bio mom and are relieved they don’t need to deal with her as a client
• Child told us they had an intro lesson at one place, not sure if they will stay as they are looking at other options, mom has not asked us to provide equipment so thats a positive
• I know where they are riding (eventing barn vs h/j) I have heard positive reviews of at least one of the trainers there so that takes a load off and I know they take safety seriously

We’ve told the child we’re really happy she’s getting addtional ride time on her moms week and its just going to make her a better rider

[Thames_Pirate]

Sounds like it all is worked out. Glad to hear it. In the end cross training is good for both disciplines, and quality instruction on off weeks is excellent news as well. Great for the kid!

[skydy]

@Pandora

We’ve told the child we’re really happy she’s getting addtional ride time on her moms week and its just going to make her a better rider

Well done!

[gottagrey]

I think you need to talk to the folks where the daughter rides - tell them she’s takes lessons at another barn and worry about showing when that time comes. The father and the mother need to communicate about her riding if she gets more involved. In the meantime see about getting the child another helmet and a pair of boots so she has available at each home. I’m not saying you yourself. Hopefully when she outgrows he boots and/or helmet she’s older and can be more responsible with her things and will make sure she has what she needs for whatever activity she takes up.

Odds are she’s not the only child to be taking riding lessons at 2 different barns. Be careful not to get sucked into the dynamics of the 2 parents .Be diplomatic as much as possible. Mother could feel threatened by your relationship with her ex and with her daughter. Mother may feel more threatened by you particularly if horses are your thing and the child is getting into riding because of you.