There are clinicians and trainers everyone admires and “favorites” and talks about. But sometimes I get the feeling these people can walk this earth with complete immunity – if you listen to them, they teach, or interact with other equestrians from a very aggressive base of communication. In short - they bully. And get away with it.
And while us older riders sort of let this go, because we toughed it out, when we were young, I’m not so sure it’s the right thing to do, and just because that’s the way it was doesn’t mean it shouldn’t change. I think teaching and instructing and coaching needs to follow principles just like any other profession.
A long way of saying let’s make people aware of the bullying that goes on in equestrian sports and start to get it stopped.
I’m very proud to part of the Horse Junkies United initiative to stop bullying - see #RideAboveHate. Bullying is a culture and I think riding has this folded in as part of our culture too and the more I think back on my former riding instructors, and trainers, and things I’ve heard in the warmup rings over the years, the more I see how it’s pervaded our sport.
What’s the meanest thing someone has ever said to you at the barn or at an event? have you been bullied? Has anyone remarked on your weight, your horse, your tack, your appearance, etc.?
i understand what you are saying…when i look back on my time with a former instructor, i gotta ask myself “what the heck was wrong with you that you would put up with that garbage”? i guess i thought there was no other option. there are times when i think that some so-called trainers are trying to be a trainer because they cant get along in the business/commercial world. i cant remember any exact things that this person said to me, but it was an awful period of time and i have chosen to forget it all.
Long ago and far away when I was a young h/j rider, I had to be around 10 or 11 I rode with a trainer at a well respected barn. In most lessons she was mean and agressive but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. Then one day her boyfriend came to watch her give me a lesson. You would think this would turn her behavior towards the sweeter. But it was the opposite. I was on a horse that belonged to a boarder rather than the barn and the trainer got me so upset, so frustrated, so confused that I jumped a jump the wrong direction. Nothing bad happened except the trainer started screaming and berating me even more.
At that point I’d had it, was in tears and just wanted to go home. I dismounted, apologized to the horse, took her back to the barn and untacked her. All the while the trainer was screaming for me to get back on. I told her simply “No.” put the horse away and walked out to the car where my sister, who was my ride home, was reading a book. She asked me what happened, though it was rather obvious as I was still crying, I wouldn’t talk about it, but apparently despite the troubles my sister and I had as most siblings of close age growing up do, she told my mother what went on. My mother immediately called the stable owner, read them the riot act and I do believe that trainer got fired.
I’ve only ever ridden with one other trainer who yelled at me. Now I take it upon myself to research and at the very least go watch a lesson with the trainer in question. I don’t do screamers, bullies, or people who have no patience. I don’t mind an instructor who will push me, I want that. But there is a huge difference between a push and a bully and I’m certainly not going to pay someone to abuse me for an hour a week.
Maybe I am just lucky, but I am 35 and have been riding since before I could walk and I’m not sure I have ever had a trainer, instructor, or even dressage judge say anything really mean (although I have certainly had them say things I didn’t want to hear!) I did work for a local racing stable that trains horses off the farm for a summer during college, and the trainer there was occasionally nasty about my weight (even though I was not being paid to ride, just muck/ groom) and was extremely unkind to another girl who was a little slow mentally.
When I was 12, I had a hunter instructor in Texas who screamed at us constantly. He was a high-level competitor, and had a giant ego. My mom used to compete at high levels herself and had a similar trainer when she was growing up, so I don’t think she thought much of it. He was going to make me his next pony champ, but I thankfully moved to NC and got to be rid of him. He soured me on riding so much that I didn’t really ride consistently again after I moved.
I have been “snubbed” in group lessons, meaning that the instructor has just ignored me and given more attention to the younger riders and/or b.o. I see no reason for that, given that my horses and I have been competitive across levels.
So I just don’t go back. I will give my $$ and time to those who respect and care about my riding and my horses.
I’ve done this sport since 1978 and I can’t ever recalled being bullied as a rider, but then again I don’t put up with that kind of crap. I don’t and won’t ride with trainers who are abusive.
The closest I’ve come was one time at a clinic when someone was approaching the line by tell the whole group we were riding poorly and it was just in our heads–all while asking what I though was a T/P question for a BN group.
I told him in front of all the spectators/parents that I didn’t think he was asking appropriate questions for the level of the group I had signed up for and that I was calling it a day, thank you very much and I dismounted and left. Found out later it opened the flood gates for a couple of the parents to lay into him.
I haven’t seen bullying as too much of a problem in eventing–probably because in every group of eventers there is likely someone who’s happy to serve it right back.
Nothing! I started eventing last year at age 51. My position was bad, my leg was bad but by God, I was giving it all I had! When we were eliminated for 3 refusals on CC and was doing the walk of shame, a 12 year old came up, touched my arm, and sincerely said, “It will get better.” It still touches my heart. I have witnessed nothing but love in this sport but I may not hear the teen age cattiness .
As a teenager warming up to jump, a very very famous eventing god remarked to his gaggle of working students that I was “too out of shape” to control my horse.
It was a stupid remark (horse was a lot of horse, but not a weight/fitness issue). But teenage girls don’t take well to body critiques, famous people and peers laughing at them, etc. so it really bothered me.
Doubt the BNT meant it as bullying or gave it another thought, but kids are sensitive. Would also kill to be as “out of shape” as I was at 16.
I was told that I had no business jumping (since I couldn’t ride well enough on the flat) and was the embodiment of the problems with eventing today. Message delivered both while on the horse and afterwards a second time for emphasis.
This was a clinic, so a one time experience. I don’t mind being yelled at if I’m actively being a moron.
I’m so glad several people haven’t had this experience. Wish I could say the same. I’ve had things thrown at me, been cursed at, and asked if I was stupid (I repeatedly missed a distance on an exercise).
I never told my parents because I figured I probably was stupid and needed to work harder and, yeah, eventually I rode better, but I’ve been ashamed of myself and hate riding in front of people ever since.
My first post on CoTH was about this very thing.
My ex-coach telling me at a horse trial in front of my family and friends that he wished he’d never sold me my horse, that I was not going to take the horse far enough up the eventing ladder to satisfy him. That the horses’ talent was being wasted with me riding him. On and on…I really didn’t understand his outrage when I was in first place and ended up winning. I think it was all about control and I wasn’t relinquishing any of it.
My husband and I decided right then that horse was the first and only horse we would buy from him and that it was OUR horse and he wasn’t paying the bills. The horse ended up having some serious soundness issues down the line and would have never been able to compete past training level anyway.
I think I’ve been very lucky…because I also haven’t really had anything bad like that—either in the jumpers or eventing. I certainly never was yelled at and put down like that. I have ridden with some tough trainers though…but not mean in this sense. Just mean in taking away my stirrups.
I have certainly seen it with others though and wondered why they still were with that trainer.
Agree with BFNE and Subk - I’ve had some tough trainers and coaches, but I don’t feel like any of them have been purposefully mean or unfair or punitive. That doesn’t mean I’ve never had a coach say something negative, but in the instances I can think of, it’s all been fair and not mean or bullying. I mean, I don’t think I particularly liked having a coach tell me that I needed to be riding more regularly to get the best out of my good horse, or that I should give the horse a big pat for bailing me out of a pretty unfortunate lack of decision-making on my part, but it was true and not unkind.
As far as personal attacks or just meanness? I don’t have any desire to stick around a coach who plays those games. Just like I’ve not wanted to stay at barns/with coaches where there is drama or where my horse or I are belittled or ignored for being amateurs. And while I’m sure that at some point, someone out there standing ringside has probably made a crack about my saint of a horse, my out-of-fashion helmet cover, or a whopping chip into a big oxer, it’s not really any different that the snark that anywhere else in life (and heck, if it’s actually funny, I’d rather hear it and we can chuckle over a beer about it afterwards). Don’t let it bother you otherwise. Life’s too short, you know?
I should say that I’ve also left trainers that were not tough…who only had positive things to say.
I don’t ride with a trainer to have them blow sunshine up my butt and tell me I’m wonderful. I ride with them to improve…so tell me what I do right but also give me constructive criticism AND the tools to improve. I don’t find it useful for them to only tell me what they think I want to hear…I want honest instruction.
But that is a different point. I’ve seen far more bully behavior by young riders against each other…then I have by a trainer to a student. One more reason I love my own barn…none of that drama crap.
^^^ yep
I will never forget Bobby Costello reading 15 year old me the riot act at bit check at the Advanced National Championships at over the walls a decade or so ago.
His horse would not accept a hand in his mouth, so when he flipped his head I kept my hand in there to try to just get it done. I got yelled at so loud pretty much the whole warm up area stopped to stare. All because I was trying to do my job and “didn’t know better” though to this day I don’t believe I did anything wrong.
Was humiliating and I never looked at him the same way again. It was a COMPLETE overreaction to the situation with someone who was just excited to even be near someone like him, never mind get to touch his horse.
[QUOTE=soloudinhere;7648697]
I will never forget Bobby Costello reading 15 year old me the riot act at bit check at the Advanced National Championships at over the walls a decade or so ago.
His horse would not accept a hand in his mouth, so when he flipped his head I kept my hand in there to try to just get it done. I got yelled at so loud pretty much the whole warm up area stopped to stare. All because I was trying to do my job and “didn’t know better” though to this day I don’t believe I did anything wrong.
Was humiliating and I never looked at him the same way again. It was a COMPLETE overreaction to the situation with someone who was just excited to even be near someone like him, never mind get to touch his horse.[/QUOTE]
Trust me…they were not staring at you…
[QUOTE=bornfreenowexpensive;7648707]
Trust me…they were not staring at you…[/QUOTE]
I don’t feel they were necessarily staring at me. Just in general that the whole show stopped to take in the scene, which when you’re 15 years old and a 4* rider is up above you screaming at you, is a bit much to take in.
Reading some of these posts makes me feel very fortunate. I ride at the Happiest Place on Earth. Nobody’s blowing smoke up my a$$ but I’ve never heard a nasty word there.
Children can be unkind. I’m lucky to have escaped Childhood Barn Drama because I rode at my school from 6th-12th grade. It’s amazing how much better people behave when their riding instructor and their headmistress are in regular communication.
That being said, adolescent bullying starts with parents and can end with us. If my kid behaved that badly, she wouldn’t have a bus pass, much less a horse to ride.
