[QUOTE=soloudinhere;7648710]
I don’t feel they were necessarily staring at me. Just in general that the whole show stopped to take in the scene, which when you’re 15 years old and a 4* rider is up above you screaming at you, is a bit much to take in.[/QUOTE]
Absolutely. That is hard for anyone but especially for a teen.
On the funny side of this, a friend told me a story about a locally well known hunter trainer in NC, who was a bully and yelled at her students (young and adult) like they were idiots all the time. This had gone of forever. One of her adult students was warming up in the indoor at one of the A shows at the fairgrounds. Trainer starts to yell at her to do something over again and the student had just had it. She stops the horse and gets off. Trainer yells “what are you doing?” and she tells her she’s done being screamed at and ends with “you work for ME!”. You go girl!
At one of my TB’s first horse trials, a person walked by as I was warming the horse up for dressage. They said to my wife “It’s so funny watching TB’s try to do dressage.”
My wife made note of his pinny number and found out he was in our division. She was checking out scores when the same guy came by. We had run double clean and were in 4th place way ahead of him. She said to him “it may be funny to watch them do dressage but they sure did kick your ass.”
My observation over many, many years of lessons is that people who really understand what they are teaching and know how to teach/train/coach do not need to shout and bully. They can communicate effectively and have different ways to explain a problem and lots of tools to use to make the necessary improvements. Sometimes it does go to the other extreme of a trainer watching and not saying anything all! So then I ask questions and learn that way.
Most of the notable horsepeople that I have been honoured to meet through my life have been quiet, gentle souls who have a profound understanding of these wonderful animals.
I only started ever riding in 2007 at 47 so I missed any teen YA angst others posted, but being the old “new” guy in this sport had its moments.
My first dressage show at FENCE with my gorgeous 18 yo Trakehner and I’m about to do Intro A. I over hear some lady say to another “what’s the old guy with the big horse doing here?” I wanted to turn around and say “Show how its really done”, but a quiet tongue is a happy tongue. Instead, we took 2nd.
I love my trainer, she is just amazing, but when I was starting out, in cross country schooling I was typically forgotten as she focused on her YR and higher level girls (I was the only old guy 
) One winter, schooling at a show she had us work with the girls, but then told us to stand and wait. We did, but the temps were close to freezing and finally I called out, can we move or do something? She expressed she forgot about us. I was so cold I was shaking and had to get off.
That would happen in cross country schooling, but the worst was spending most of my two hours waiting, being forgotten, even when I called out. After that we had a talk for like another poster said “She works for me”. I appreciated that she listened, adjusted and it never happened again. I also took responsibility to be more assertive. Looking back, those weren’t horrible moments and overall I have only experienced good in Eventing. Phillip Dutton blew me off while auditing in a clinic; I’m not fan of his any more.
I know it off topic, but the best moment was when a four star groom talked to me at Chatt Hills when I was freaking out about riding my course*. She listened, calmed me down and then said “at some point you have to look in to your horse’s eye and ask, Do I trust you? If you can answer yes then go out there and let him prove it.” He did. That is the heart of Eventing, negative people need not apply.
[QUOTE=Willesdon;7648754]
My observation over many, many years of lessons is that people who really understand what they are teaching and know how to teach/train/coach do not need to shout and bully. They can communicate effectively and have different ways to explain a problem and lots of tools to use to make the necessary improvements. Sometimes it does go to the other extreme of a trainer watching and not saying anything all! So then I ask questions and learn that way.
Most of the notable horsepeople that I have been honoured to meet through my life have been quiet, gentle souls who have a profound understanding of these wonderful animals.[/QUOTE]
And for us chickensh*ts sometimes the most effective jumping coaches are the ones who raise the jump rails and just say “ok, come over this again” with the matter of fact attitude that of COURSE you’re just going to do it again. And they act so nonchalant about that tiny little thing (with 8 rails) they’ve set up that you just suck it up and tackle your fear because you don’t want to admit that apparently you are afraid of this monstrosity that everyone else sees as nothing at all to worry about.
At this point in my life I will not ride with anyone who has an attitude. I’ve figured out when I write that check that yes, they actually ARE working for me. AND also that I ride because I enjoy it and if at some point I don’t like it, I need to stop the large outflow of cash going to it.
I’m all about improving my riding and realize that takes hard work and hearing criticism at times, but feel that since I’m paying someone as a professional, they need to act like one. My last (and soon to be again, have taken some time off with the lessons) trainer is a man of few words. When you do well, he says “good job”, when you don’t do well, he tells you how you need to correct it and tells you to do it again. If he doesn’t like your horse because he thinks he’s a dirty stopper, he will not tell you he’s horrible, but will tell you that he saw a dirty stop there. I value his honest opinions in all things horse and will flat out ask him not to blow sunshine up my butt about things.
In reading these excellent replies I can see that the way we are – who we are – probably has a lot to do with who we ride with. We all need to recognize the bully culture, though even if we personally may not feel we are being bullied.
Oh, and LOFF LOFF LOFF the “you work for ME” concept!!!
No to derail where we are going on this, but here is a question, because I have been the outcast vs the clique. This was at a schooling combined test day being run at a more hunter barn. Dressage went according to how I am used to it running, I had a time, I showed up at the ring at my time, I rode. But stadium???
I showed up, there was no apparent order of go, but 4 girls that all knew each other deciding what order they were all riding in, and as more of their group showed up, they would decided where in the order she would ride depending on her preference. There I was like “huh? what? where’s the ring steward? What time is it?”. Who the heck put this princess in charge? So then the ring steward walks over and this girl tells her they’ve decided their order of go. I haven’t been out in a while now, please, people tell me that they still have stadium times and pretty well set orders of go and ring stewards who actually run the ring still?
At my first recognized Training with my horse (third Training ever), my horse and I had a nice XC round. I was 14, had just started eventing that year, and was a bit uncomfortable at that level. So my default speed was slow. I think we got 13+ time penalties.
After my round, I ran into one of my area’s young riders. My horse had been a sale horse with her mom and we’d purchased him from them less than a year before. I was beaming about my ride and she just sneered at me, “Wow, what a nice hunter round.”
I was a sensitive kid and ended up going back to my trailer to cry. No idea why it stung me like that, but I still can’t look at that girl or her mom without being reminded.
whitney, there are ring stewards and there are ring stewards. Many volunteer with little to no instruction on how to run their rings. You just need to be assertive and let the steward know that you want to ride in the order in which you are listed or at least in the order in which you showed up.
[QUOTE=Peaches;7648980]
After my round, I ran into one of my area’s young riders. My horse had been a sale horse with her mom and we’d purchased him from them less than a year before. I was beaming about my ride and she just sneered at me, “Wow, what a nice hunter round.”[/QUOTE] Honestly, (and obviously, I wasn’t there) but I would take that as a compliment, at least in hindsight. Having a nice hunter round to me means you were meeting every fence in stride, you got great distances, it looked effortless, etc. I’d be thrilled if someone said that to me about one of my XC rounds instead of “Oh dear, God, I’m so glad you survived that!” . So what if you were 30 seconds over - so not a big deal when compared with having had a lovely smooth round. Take pride in it (and seriously - don’t let them still make you upset).
I had ONE clinic that was awful, but I was sick as a dog. I remember the clinician being quite rude. I have always been complimented by clinicians and instructors on my teachability–no backtalk, do or at least attempt to do what the instructor wants, and give something 100% every time. This clinician said I was a terrible student. I don’t remember the wording, but I remember finding it rude. I chalked it up to being sick and being unable to communicate clearly (on both the giving and the receiving end), promptly put everything he said out of my head, and chalked it up to a lesson learned–when that ill, save the gas money and forfeit the clinic fee. Nothing good came of that clinic. I did find him rude, though, so I will not ride with that particular clinician again.
I do find that I need a coach who isn’t afraid to say “c’mon, do it right” and push in that way. My coach is that way, but she also is quick to say “YES! Nice job” or “beautiful” when I do. She also gives actual instruction when she tells me to do it right, even if it’s stuff I have heard before. She hates repeating herself, but she will if it’s clear I need it. She does expect, however, that I work on the things she points out so that she says them less frequently. I have found too soft and I don’t push myself, and too strong and I get intimidated. My coach is on the MOSTLY strong side, which works perfectly for me but would freak the heck out of some of the people I know. It is a bit about finding what works for you.
Floating over from Dressage Land as this thread is a really interesting read.
Worst thing an instructor has ever said to me was after a lesson was that of course the lesson went well because that horse was the only horse I could actually manage to ride.
It stung because the instructor had been my coach for some time at this point and had many other horses I could have ridden, but continued to put me on the same mare and then complain that horse was the only one I was able to ride.
She was the type to scream through out the entire lesson and rarely tell you anything positive. I’m happy to say that was the last time I rode with her and moved on to another instructor that put me on many different horses and taught me a tonne without being mean.
I ride with gr8ful and when I arrived there, many years ago, it was with a sense of great relief to leave the Land of Being Yelled At. I am surprised in retrospect that I put up with it but I came from an H/J background where that was normal (when I was a kid), and was learning a new discipline…
anyway, where I am now is such a better learning environment it’s not even funny.
When I opened this thread I was not thinking about coaching, or kids bullying each other, but about the most un-eventing-friendly moment of my eventing life.
I was literally just starting out, bustling around the barn getting ready for my very first off-the-farm unrecognized beginner novice. It was a Friday. The BO had a friend visiting, an older lady who I am sure, in retrospect, was some accomplished dressage or event rider (who I might even recognize now, but oh well). She saw me with arms full of tack and said “Are you going to a 3 day?”
When I said, “oh, no, no, I’m doing my first event, beginner novice,” she sniffed “well, everyone has to start somewhere…” and walked off.
I was sort of crushed, and then I thought, wait a minute, who is at home cleaning tack on a Friday if you are doing a 3 day? Sadly I was unable to formulate a snippy response before she disappeared but I am happy to say that was just about the meanest person I’ve ever met in the sport. It was all uphill from there…
For me it was actually what they didn’t say. I got into eventing because a friend at the time was doing the mid levels and made it sound so fun. It took me a few years to make any progress. We are still struggling at the BN level. Anyway, at one combined show, we beat 19 other riders by an full 10 dressage points to get our first win ever. I was walking back to my trailer with my blue ribbon. The aforementioned friend was nearby with her students, saw me walk by and could not be bothered to even congratulate me on my win. She might as well have punched me in the gut. For me, that crap and the snubs bug me more than any outward attack ever could.
tbchick84, that is bad bad sportsmanship and bad friend behavior. Cut the ties and move on.
I did the very next day. Life’s too short for friends like that.
[QUOTE=Winding Down;7649187]
tbchick84, that is bad bad sportsmanship and bad friend behavior. Cut the ties and move on.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=JP60;7648868]
I know it off topic, but the best moment was when a four star groom talked to me at Chatt Hills when I was freaking out about riding my course*. She listened, calmed me down and then said “at some point you have to look in to your horse’s eye and ask, Do I trust you? If you can answer yes then go out there and let him prove it.” He did. That is the heart of Eventing, negative people need not apply.
.[/QUOTE]
Wow, that is fantastic.
Being told “you must be good at something, but it’s certainly not riding” by a previous employer (4* rider) in a working student program. Really motivating, that.
There have only been two people I’ve had less than pleasant “learning” experiences with. One I was much younger, and sort of stuck with, and it nearly led me to quit riding. The other was when I was a little older, and wiser, and able to politely bow out of the situation when I realized it wasn’t working.
There is a difference between “tough” and “mean”–I remember occasional lessons in college when the BM would fill in teaching, and boy was she TOUGH. And we were all a little afraid of what she’d come up with, taking away our stirrups for the whole lesson, making us ride in two-point the whole time, but for all her being tough about stuff, she was doing things you learned from and improved from, and was never mean about it. High expectations I don’t mind, meanness I do. And no yellers, my horse does not deal well with that; we had one trainer who worked at our farm sometimes who I could not ride in the ring with when they were teaching, because my horse turned into a stressball.
On the whole though, I think Eventers are a wonderfully supportive group of folks, ready to chat about a course and cheer someone on they don’t even know. Actually, across the disciplines are more often than not friendly and helpful. Its just that the outlier meanies stick out, maybe even more for being noticeably unpleasant.
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