What's the meanest thing anyone has said to you as an eventer? (or wannabe)

[KayBee]

[QUOTE=live2jump74;7656308]
What can you do?[/QUOTE]

This is an interesting question. I don’t do drama well live and in person - I tend to withdraw. On the internet, however, I’ve been known to be a bit dogged in pursuit of a point

At my previous barn, I mostly avoided except in one case where my patience got pushed too far and I simply decided I wasn’t putting up with entitled behavior anymore.

But in general, I don’t have enough “ins” in the industry to either hear or relay gossip. Most everything I know is from reading it on the internet

In the smaller horseworld sense, at my barn there is one person (A) who really does not like another person (B). Which, fine. Reasons. It is not a rule that you have to like everyone on earth. Except I have gotten really tired of A’s constant need to have everyone jump on the “B is so annoying/laughable/yuck” bandwagon. And yes, I do think A’s behavior could turn into bullying if 99% of the other people at the barn didn’t have better things to do with their lives.

Mostly, in these situations, I deflect, eg:

B, riding horse, talks aloud as she performs an exercise
A, comments on the fact that B “talks a lot more to herself a lot more than she used to” :: significant look :: (subtext seemed to be “B is going senile”)
Me, relates anecdote from recent COTH Eventing thread where someone said that she does sports color commentary for her XC rounds. In other words, deflect and change the subject.

But I am almost at the point where I want to tell A to give it a rest; it’s tiresome and to me, says a hell of a lot more about A than it does about B. But then I think, ugh, may cause more problems than its worth.

A good rule of thumb is “don’t shit where you live.” If you have issues with barn people, don’t talk about it with OTHER barn people. Bend the ear of a friend who may not “get” it but at least you can vent safely without it getting back to someone who is going to twist what you say. (Don’t you hate it when you finally say “OMG, I can’t stand X” to someone you trust, who replies “OMG, me neither!” and then find out that trusted person has turned around and told X that you can’t stand them?)

IMO, however, not talking to other horsepeople about “personalities” doesn’t cover fraud, theft, dangerous behavior (or idiocy leading to dangerous situations) if the person you are talking to is affected by any of the aforementioned.

My rule of thumb is:
Are you a backstabber/bigot/fraudster/liar/manipulator/thief?
Are you “holier than thou”/superior/obsessed with things material that you have and others don’t?

If not any of the above, I am perfectly willing to like you even if you do have quirks that may grate. If you are any of the above, I will smile, play nice, and avoid you whenever possible.

[DaniW]

[QUOTE=KayBee;7656415]
This is an interesting question. I don’t do drama well live and in person - I tend to withdraw. On the internet, however, I’ve been known to be a bit dogged in pursuit of a point

At my previous barn, I mostly avoided except in one case where my patience got pushed too far and I simply decided I wasn’t putting up with entitled behavior anymore.

But in general, I don’t have enough “ins” in the industry to either hear or relay gossip. Most everything I know is from reading it on the internet

In the smaller horseworld sense, at my barn there is one person (A) who really does not like another person (B). Which, fine. Reasons. It is not a rule that you have to like everyone on earth. Except I have gotten really tired of A’s constant need to have everyone jump on the “B is so annoying/laughable/yuck” bandwagon. And yes, I do think A’s behavior could turn into bullying if 99% of the other people at the barn didn’t have better things to do with their lives.

Mostly, in these situations, I deflect, eg:

B, riding horse, talks aloud as she performs an exercise
A, comments on the fact that B “talks a lot more to herself a lot more than she used to” :: significant look :: (subtext seemed to be “B is going senile”)
Me, relates anecdote from recent COTH Eventing thread where someone said that she does sports color commentary for her XC rounds. In other words, deflect and change the subject.

But I am almost at the point where I want to tell A to give it a rest; it’s tiresome and to me, says a hell of a lot more about A than it does about B. But then I think, ugh, may cause more problems than its worth.

A good rule of thumb is “don’t shit where you live.” If you have issues with barn people, don’t talk about it with OTHER barn people. Bend the ear of a friend who may not “get” it but at least you can vent safely without it getting back to someone who is going to twist what you say. (Don’t you hate it when you finally say “OMG, I can’t stand X” to someone you trust, who replies “OMG, me neither!” and then find out that trusted person has turned around and told X that you can’t stand them?)

IMO, however, not talking to other horsepeople about “personalities” doesn’t cover fraud, theft, dangerous behavior (or idiocy leading to dangerous situations) if the person you are talking to is affected by any of the aforementioned.

My rule of thumb is:
Are you a backstabber/bigot/fraudster/liar/manipulator/thief?
Are you “holier than thou”/superior/obsessed with things material that you have and others don’t?

If not any of the above, I am perfectly willing to like you even if you do have quirks that may grate. If you are any of the above, I will smile, play nice, and avoid you whenever possible.[/QUOTE]

This simple. Stand up for B.

[Lady_Eboshi]

Some friends and I were taking our weekly lesson with a BNT one afternoon in the local “communal” arena and XC course that trail assn. members were allowed to share. Aging Hunter Princess, obsessed with ribbons even while scared stiff, sashayed into the ring uninvited on her latest 5-figure fruitbat, looked at my good QH who was a resplendent, fit, slick and dead sound 19 years young going Training monthly, and said,

“Are you STILL riding HIM? I’d have thought you’d have put him DOWN by now!”

Well, I was still riding him, albeit somewhat more gently, on his 31st birthday and he never saw an “injection” in his long and active life. Over the same span of years, Ole Mrs. Nasty DID put down 3 or 4 of her frequently broken world-beaters for whom she paid nine times his price.

Schadenfreude ain’t just a street in Germany . . . <snicker>

[LovieBird]

I’ve been asked if my Appendix was a warmblood

[Cameraine]

5-Figure fruitbat ROTFL

[KayBee]

[QUOTE=DaniW;7657474]
This simple. Stand up for B.[/QUOTE]

That’s what I’m trying to do with the deflecting the cattiness and changing the subject.

But the situation is a bit more complicated and doesn’t lend itself to a neat summary. A has legitimate reasons to dislike B. B has behaviors that can be irritating. I’m the new kid on the block and don’t share their decade-long history.

[LisaB]

I have this horse no one will ride … but you’re an eventer so maybe you’ll want to buy him!

[Lady_Eboshi]

Shoot, that’s how I got MINE!!

[Highflyer]

Sometimes it’s worth saying something to shut it down. “I’m on a no negativity kick these days, so enough!” Smile when you say it, but walk away if she starts up again.

[QUOTE=KayBee;7659692]
That’s what I’m trying to do with the deflecting the cattiness and changing the subject.

But the situation is a bit more complicated and doesn’t lend itself to a neat summary. A has legitimate reasons to dislike B. B has behaviors that can be irritating. I’m the new kid on the block and don’t share their decade-long history.[/QUOTE]

[OverandOnward]

[QUOTE=Highflyer;7660346]
Sometimes it’s worth saying something to shut it down. “I’m on a no negativity kick these days, so enough!” Smile when you say it, but walk away if she starts up again.[/QUOTE]

The ‘walk away’ part is the most important.

Time to decide this friendship is not worth preserving. You can dial it down to ‘cordiality’ but not exchanging chit-chat. Doesn’t sound as if it would be a loss.

[DaniW]

[QUOTE=KayBee;7659692]
That’s what I’m trying to do with the deflecting the cattiness and changing the subject.

But the situation is a bit more complicated and doesn’t lend itself to a neat summary. A has legitimate reasons to dislike B. B has behaviors that can be irritating. I’m the new kid on the block and don’t share their decade-long history.[/QUOTE]

That’s not standing up for her. So what if she has irritating behaviors. Tell a you don’t want to hear it and walk away. Otherwise don’t complain to us about a if you actually agree with her.

[CANTEREOIN]

Missing Passive Aggressive Behavior on the previous posts

For the most part, I have met kind, supportive folks in Eventing and the trainers/clinicians I go to, for the most part, have the great balance of pushing an edge and supporting your level.

What I remembered as I read the previous posts is one of my previous trainer’s MO. She would not directly criticize your riding but question your technique and how it manifested in your horse.

For instance, I would ride on a Tuesday and she would do a training ride on a Wednesday. On Thurs, she would ask me how my ride went on Tuesday, then pause and say… “hmmm, my ride on Wed was awful, she was heavy on her forehand, hanging on the left rein and was stiff, tight and resistant. Hmmm, what did you do again on your ride?”

It was so subtle that when the relationship broke up, I was an apologetic wreck with my new trainers. It took some time for me to see how “sick” the relationship had gotten and how it affected my development as a rider.

[meupatdoes]

[QUOTE=CANTEREOIN;7661512]
For instance, I would ride on a Tuesday and she would do a training ride on a Wednesday. On Thurs, she would ask me how my ride went on Tuesday, then pause and say… “hmmm, my ride on Wed was awful, she was heavy on her forehand, hanging on the left rein and was stiff, tight and resistant. Hmmm, what did you do again on your ride?”[/QUOTE]

Oh, my trainer who used to say one thing one lesson and an opposite thing the next lesson used to do this ALL. THE TIME. Actually the only thing he would consistently say was some sort of hint that I must have kept busy completely effing up the horse and he was wearily tasked with the prospect of fixing it every time.

Considering the fact that before I came to him I was doing 1,001 catch rides at a very nice barn for a trainer who seemed to have no problems with how my rides manifested in the horses, and after I left him I continued doing 1,001 catch rides for another trainer at another very nice place who evidently liked how the horses went when I rode them, and considering that both of these trainers had considerably more illustrious resumes and far nicer horses than this tool, I decided this particular individual who couldn’t stick with the same riding philosophy from one week to the next was on crack.

[Beam_Me_Up]

@SnicklefritzG;7656234

I think there is a difference between a trainer being tough and being mean, or bullying a student.

I don’t want someone giving me compliments I don’t deserve or blowing sunshine up my butt as you put it. I want someone who is going to push me, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable at first.

I also think there is a huge difference between receiving negative feedback from a trainer you are paying, and mean comments from others (peers, other trainers, etc.)–this thread includes examples of both.

If my trainer, who knows me well, offers negative feedback, I listen. If I find myself training with a bully, I find a new trainer. I’m pretty much never interested in hurtful commentary from random bystanders (peers or trainers) though.