What's the problem with saying hello?

[emilawrence]

A little backstory:
Last summer I regrettably sold my beloved gray mare to a girl who claimed she would keep my mare in the show circuit as she was incredibly talented. She didn’t, but I don’t really have a problem with that because she says she has a good home regardless. I know where the girl boards my horse, and after I sold her the girl promised I could come and visit anytime.

I text her recently and asked her if I could come and visit because I would be in the area and would love to see how she’s doing. However she never responded and some red flags came up. What reason would she have to keep me away from my “ex” horse ?? I’m hoping she just forgot to respond …

[Countrywood]

Lots of reasons…I suppose try one more time, say the visit will be brief and would mean a lot to you and that you hope she is okay since she did not answer the last email,

If it is an open to the public boarding stable, could’ you stop over there and walk by stall, see if horse is okay? ( assuming she is still there)

[emilawrence]

[QUOTE=Countrywood;824626]
If it is an open to the public boarding stable, could’ you stop over there and walk by stall, see if horse is okay? ( assuming she is still there)[/QUOTE]

I could, but if I go to the barn and the owner is there, I don’t want her to think I am obsessing or stalking … Lol

[hunter51]

She may just not feel comfortable with it. Some people are OK with it and some aren’t. As I’m sure you know, once sold, the horse is hers and she has no obligation to let you see the horse, though she shouldn’t have promised you could if she doesn’t have any intention to. I would NOT just stop by the barn and walk by a stall without the owner’s permission - that would seem incredibly sketchy to me. You could try contacting her one more time and just let her know it would mean a lot to you if you could stop by for a few minutes.

What red flags have come up?

[CHT]

Maybe the horse is hurt and she doesn’t want to tell you so you judge her? Maybe the horse isn’t going as well for her as it did for you and she feels self conscious? Maybe she is away on vacation right now and doesn’t think replying to you is a priority while she is away? Maybe she read the many COTH posts about crazy ex-owners and has rethought her idea of keeping you in the picture?

Relax and text/email again in the future, but don’t read into it if she doesn’t reply…that is her prerogative, and may not mean anything sinister.

[KateKat]

No reason other than its her horse now and she has no obligation to you. I imagine she might have said the “see her anytime!” line to be nice.

[Countrywood]

True, she likely said it just to be nice…not expecting you to really follow through. It might seem stalkerish to stop by without her okay, if she never responds and you are truly worried you can text her that you hope it is okay if you might stop by one day just to give him a quick pat if you are in the area .If she does not want that she can respond and say no. An awkward situation to be sure.

[Jarrn]

Maybe she no longer has that phone number? Or maybe she is busy or simply does not want to have to deal with it?

[mvp]

[QUOTE=Countrywood;8246262]
Lots of reasons…I suppose try one more time, say the visit will be brief and would mean a lot to you and that you hope she is okay since she did not answer the last email,

If it is an open to the public boarding stable, could’ you stop over there and walk by stall, see if horse is okay? ( assuming she is still there)[/QUOTE]

If I owned the horse and got an e-mail that told me the default position would be “You ignored my text**, so now I’m e-mailing you with an announcement that I will be there unless I hear back from you to say No”…. and then you showed up at the barn, I’d be livid.

You sold the horse. It is not yours anymore. You don’t get to visit it just because you want to and your motives are good. If your motives were so strong and so awesome, you could have kept the horse and done things your way.

Besides the new HO not answering your text, what’s the other “red flag” that makes you want to visit this horse? I don’t see that silence alone as anything way out of line.

*** I understand that The Culture of Youth has caused text to “elevate” itself to some professional kinds of communication. But it’s not the way to go about making a formal request, IMO. If you want someone to do you a favor, you need to ask in the most polite form possible. It’s easy to feel “dictated to rather than conversed with” in text. Don’t approach this kind of request with that tone, even if it’s just the nature of texting, not your intended meaning. And texts are easy to get buried under others or ignored. That’s most likely what happened in your case, OP.

[rainechyldes]

I don’t see a red flag? She didn’t respond. That’s her option ain’t it? Unless you had a sale contract that specified you could see the horse anytime, she is the HO, and has zero obligation to you. Let it go.

[emilawrence]

I don’t thinks it’s wrong of me to want to know how my old horse is doing and, the girl promised after I sold her that I could visit at anytime and she even mentioned that she was going to come to my trainers barn and receive lessons this summer. However I understand a promise is just a promise and I did not get anything in contract.

And MVP the girl is my age, ( >20) she does not have an email she actively uses. When I asked for contact info she gave me her phone number not email and we have had many conversations concerning the horse over text. IMO I’m not in any way being unprofessional and had she given me her email I would have emailed her as I too believe that is a better way to communicate. And I don’t appreciate you attacking me and my motives as I’m pretty sure you don’t know the whole story.

[BITSA]

She may just be bad at texting back, maybe try a call and say you’ll be in the area and plan to stop by.

I’d stop by if its an open barn. What are they going to do if you you? Take away your birthday? The worst that can happen is you’re asked to leave and you do. No one has said “no” so far.

[KateKat]

Again…it seems like the girl might have said all that stuff just to be nice. Does it suck that she acted like you could still see the horse? Sure.

Just hope that maybe the horse will show up and some show and you can see it then.

[BeeHoney]

I don’t think your desire to see the horse is wrong. But, the problem is you really don’t have any standing to act on that wish without an invitation (or permission) from the owner. Its her right not to respond to your texts. I don’t think that not responding is a red flag at all. Sometimes people get busy and don’t have time to do things like meet the previous owner of their horse for a visit.

At best I think you could text again in a month, with caution to not sound too pushy. If you don’t approve of how the horse is being cared for or ridden, what is your plan then? Again, it’s tough because you don’t really have a say at this point.

I don’t know what was said at the time of sale between you and the new owner, but a gratuitous comment like, “Oh, you can come see him any time you want” doesn’t count as a promise. People make gratuitous “promises” all the time for politeness’ sake. That’s a really common statement at the time of a horse sale and I don’t think anyone would ever hold the new owner to that.

I don’t think that visiting the horse without permission (even at a public barn) is a good route to go. It could make the new owner feel uncomfortable. No, she can’t DO anything to you, but I’d bet she would be even less interested in keeping in touch after that.

[Underthebridge]

Your word and a handshake used to mean something,
not anymore, sadly.

[emilawrence]

Just to let everyone know I’m not thinking about going to see the horse without permission! I know that would be a little much, I was just responding to a posters response!

[mvp]

[QUOTE=emilawrence;8246644]
I don’t thinks it’s wrong of me to want to know how my old horse is doing and, the girl promised after I sold her that I could visit at anytime and she even mentioned that she was going to come to my trainers barn and receive lessons this summer. However I understand a promise is just a promise and I did not get anything in contract.

And MVP the girl is my age, ( >20) she does not have an email she actively uses. When I asked for contact info she gave me her phone number not email and we have had many conversations concerning the horse over text. IMO I’m not in any way being unprofessional and had she given me her email I would have emailed her as I too believe that is a better way to communicate. And I don’t appreciate you attacking me and my motives as I’m pretty sure you don’t know the whole story.[/QUOTE]

Well… your old horse is now the HO’s new horse. She gets to do as she sees fit with her horse…. just as you did when it belonged to you. You don’t get to have any expectations any more. You traded those for cash. You could have done otherwise. Imagine how this would look to you were you the new HO and the old one wanted more contact than you did?

Look, from the title of the thread, “What’s the problem with saying hello?” you seem to have assumed that you are owed more than you are. If you want to show us something different, go ahead. I don’t know all of your motives. Rather, I know only what I see from what your write.

[emilawrence]

[QUOTE=mvp;8246899]
Well… your old horse is now the HO’s new horse. She gets to do as she sees fit with her horse…. just as you did when it belonged to you. You don’t get to have any expectations any more. You traded those for cash. You could have done otherwise. Imagine how this would look to you were you the new HO and the old one wanted more contact than you did?

Look, from the title of the thread, “What’s the problem with saying hello?” you seem to have assumed that you are owed more than you are. If you want to show us something different, go ahead. I don’t know all of your motives. Rather, I know only what I see from what your write.[/QUOTE]

I understand what you are saying … I guess it’s just the last thing I wanted to hear and so I forced it away. The girl has not responded and I will not contact her again unless she does first. I know it is now her horse, and I will respect her wishes.

I’ll just have to live with my mistake

[Bristol_Bay]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you visiting your old horse! Unless the horse is boarded in someone’s backyard, and as long as it’s a barn where the public is welcome, go see her.

My horse is at a stable on public property and it is not fenced. “Tourists” walk through all the time and visit the horses or take pictures. I had a neighbor we used to talk to all the time while walking the dogs. One day she turned up at the barn. I was surprised to see her there, and she told me there were two horses she had bonded with and visited every day. One of them was a Friesian my trainer rode. You know, so what? What harm did it do?

OP, as long as you understand you do not own the horse and have no right taking her out of her stall or feeding her, go see her.

I recently stopped by on a busy day to visit with a mare I owned years ago. She was a doll, but a little too hot for the dressage arena (she had no free walk–it was all jigging) so I gave her to the woman who half leased her as they were a good match. Despite my having given her the horse, I still felt I had to call and say, hey, I’m here visiting, is it okay if I groom her in her stall? I spend about an hour there with her, smelling her neck, running my hands over all her familiar flaws and scars. It was hard to believe she was still around at age 31. Two days later I got a text from her owner–she had colicked and been put down that morning.

So go.

[RPM]

a girl who claimed she would keep my mare in the show circuit as she was incredibly talented. She didn’t, but I don’t really have a problem with that because she says she has a good home regardless. I know where the girl boards my horse, and after I sold her the girl promised I could come and visit anytime.

She said she would keep the mare in the show circuit. She hasn’t, so either she meant it and changed her mind, or she didn’t mean it to begin with. Did she promise to keep showing the mare, the same way she promised you could come see her?

If you know the barn, and it’s a public barn, I don’t see anything wrong with dropping by to see the mare. If the BO or BM questions you, you could smile, introduce yourself, say you used to own Lady and were in the area and just wanted to drop in and say hi to Lady. Or however you would word that. “Hi. I’m emilawrence. I used to own Lady. New owner told me I could come see Lady, I was in the area, so I thought I’d drop by. I just wanted to see her.” Not “I just wanted to see how she’s doing.” If it’s a public barn you don’t need permission to go there. If you run into the mare’s current owner, do the same thing, smile, say “hi, I just came by to see Lady. Thanks for saying I could come see her. Wow, she looks great!”

In your OP you said you know where the girls boards your horse. I know you know she isn’t your horse now.

Do you really just want to see the mare? Will you be content with just one visit? Will seeing your mare, even if she is doing great, make you feel good? Or bad? Might not be a bad idea to ask yourself that. Then, if you want to see her, go see her. No need to text her current owner again.

Don’t be scared. You know you aren’t stalking.

ETA: I used to ride a horse. I didn’t own him, he belonged to my family. He was retired, and I moved away. If I were to go back to that area to visit friends, and I knew the barn where he now lived, and it was a public barn, I’d drop by and see him. I wouldn’t feel I had to ask the new owner’s permission, or the BO’s or anyone else’s. I loved him, I rode him, I took care of him, I’d go see him as I would any other friend in the area. If he were at a private barn and I had contact info, I would call the BO and ask if I could come see him while I was in the area. I might be a little nervous, but I wouldn’t let that stop me. Would it make me happy to see him? or sad? I don’t know. I’d just want to.