When to let go (euthanize)?

[reithme2]

I’ve had my OTTB for 7 years this spring and he’ll be 14 in April.

After a lot of back and forth with health issues and injuries these last 2-3 years we finally know what is wrong - Chronic Kidney Disease.

We took him to the clinic to confirm and to further evaluate and see if fluids may help - the vet said she may find a mass in an ultrasound which would be a good sign there is nothing we can do - I went in optimistic but told myself if they found a mass I’d put him down right away. They didnt find a mass but vet was pretty confidence fluids wouldnt help kidney function and would maybe only perk him up for a few days/weeks. She thought he may have a year and asked what I wanted to do - I said I wasnt ready to put him down - we loaded him up and took him home. Vet agreed he seemed comfortable and maybe wasnt his time yet - mentioned if he stopped eating that is usually ‘the sign’ to let go. We made a plan to monitor, change feed and pull blood monthly.

The night before the clinic horse seemed spunkier than he had in a while trotting and rolling in the indoor and I hopped on bareback for a few minutes in case it was my last ride. I was confident bringing him home was the right call - we changed his feed to help him feel more comfortable and my plan was to keep him through summer (He always perks up and gains weight on grass) and let him go early fall. I imagined hacking, bareback with a halter around the barn and stuffing him full of treats for several months and if he started declining sooner then obviously change course to accommodate.

Now its only been a week and half since his clinic visit and I’m wondering if I made the wrong call and should have let him go. He seems happy to see people and is eating well and has enough energy to pin his ears after his pasture mate when there is food around, but when I had him in the other day he went to roll and stopped midway and got up again - it was heartbreaking - was he too weak to get up and down? Were his hocks or something else bothering him? Was it just as fluke?

Every time I go out to see him I cry and I don’t even really want to go see him.

This horse is the best - Id replace him with the exact same thing if I could - but has also caused me so much heartache recently that I’ve already decided I’m taking a break from horse ownership once hes gone. I feel like I’m mentally moving on when I’m not at the barn but when I go out I’m mourning him even though I still have him? Maybe I need more time to appreciate what time I have left?

I’ve always been in the camp ‘a day too early is better than a day too late’ but I also don’t want to put him down if he is enjoying life just because I’m having a hard time with it. All my well meaning horse friends are sending articles and links and ideas of things to try to help him and its frustrating - it feels like people think he’ll be around for years. But maybe I’m being dramatic? I mean I was riding this horse a month or more ago knowing he wasn’t quite right but still hopeful I’d figure out what was wrong and could address…

I just dont know what to do and know one really seems to understand.

BO mentioned shes worried about his pasture mate being without him and mentioned bringing in a new horse before mine is gone - I dont know what to think of that either? I really dont want to rock the boat and told her I’d rather put him down before that happens.

I know its ultimately my decision and that there really is no right or wrong but I sure wish it was more clear. I dont want to put him down early and regret having more time but also not sure I’ll be able to enjoy the time I have with him.

[Bluey]

If your veterinarian said any time is time, if you feel quality of life is not there, maybe as you are contemplating, a day too soon may be better than waiting for a terminal crisis.

He may just lie down and not wake up, or be in misery the last hours.
Having to choose a time is a hard choice to make, when we don’t have a working crystal ball.

Our old horse with the bad stifle, when he had trouble getting down and up and could not stand for trimming any more, it was time.

Do ask your vet again, maybe?

Don’t even think if you want another horse right now, of course you don’t when in that situation.
Those are terrible times, incredibly stressful, HUGS.

[OfCourseItsAnAlter]

I can only speak of my personal experiences, which you may, or may not, find helpful.

I’ve euthanized 3 equines in the past 7-8 years. Two of the three were not in immediate crisis and probably could have waited some months. One did not have great quality of life for about 2 months before I put her down.

I have never, for one minute, regretted putting two down “too early.” I still regret the one I put down “too late” and I still feel bad for putting her through a couple of months of unpleasant medical treatment while her condition failed to improve and she slowly deteriorated.

[Abbie.S]

We always wish it was more clear. Unfortunately the only way it gets really clear is when the horse is in dire straights and then we’ll beat ourselves up anyway wondering if we could have done anything to prevent it.

If it were me? I would have euthanized at the clinic. But that’s me. My reasoning is based on what you’ve stated in your OP: vet acknowledges he has limited time, he’s showing signs that he struggling right now and appears to be up and down in terms of energy, functional abilities, etc.

The other reason I’d euthanize sooner rather than later? Because horses don’t think about the future. All he knows is how he feels right now. I’d much rather euthanize a horse feeling good, relaxed and content knowing that is how he felt in his final day than a horse that is suffering. It’s counterintuitive to how we think about planning for our horses’ demise which makes it hard for some of us to hold onto that piece, but it gives me comfort to know I provided the best care and a peaceful, quiet end on a good day.

I am truly sorry, OP. I can imagine how torturous it feels right now. You said it, you’d rather be a day early than a day late. I don’t think you’d regret that decision were you to make it.

And to be honest? There is NOTHING selfish about making the call early when the outcome is inevitable because YOU need to start to heal. This is going to happen one way or another, and prolonging it when you cannot even enjoy him as he is isn’t fair to you, either.

[Lah0808]

I am really sorry OP, it is always such a hard decision.

I’m thankful for the previous responses because I’m starting to face this decision with my elderly horse. He’s got cushings, visibly growing melanomas, something weird with his teeth and rapidly growing plaque and summer will be upon us soon, and it’s his worst season to deal with by far. He could probably tough it out longer but I am seriously starting to consider what is the point of waiting for something terrible to happen to him to make the call? I know at some point in the not too distant future it’s going to be time.

In your situation, I don’t think I’d wait too much longer for something really unfortunate to happen to your guy who you know has a limited future. A couple of years ago I had two very sick kitties, one with end stage kidney disease and the other with end stage lymphoma. I didn’t even realize the worry I was carrying around over the two of them. I ended having to make the call for both within a couple of months. While I missed my friends so, so much, the relief I felt at no longer worrying was more immense than I realized it would be. I’m really sorry you are facing this with a relatively young horse.

[ratchet]

I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this, OP. It is never easy and very rarely clear-cut.

My first post on this forum was about an emaciated mare we took out of an auction. With the forum reboot my thread disappeared and I never did update anyone on what ended up happening. After we finally were able to sedate her enough to get her another examination (she was unhandled), the vet found a catastrophic injury in her windpipe that was affecting her breathing to the point she had undetectable breath sounds in her lungs. Doc was amazed she wasn’t passing out regularly.

Mare was only 17 and had put on a ton of weight the past month and was looking a lot better, and theoretically she may have been OK for a few more weeks or…? No one could say. We opted to let her go, then and there, while she was still sedated and unaware of what was happening, with a full belly and recent memories of dozing in a big pasture under a tree.

We’ve had other pets over the years whom we had to choose to create a peaceful ending for, rather than waiting until they were openly suffering (as was, sadly, the case with a young cat of mine with heart failure).

It is the weight we must bare for our beloved companion animals. I echo the poster above me in that your boy is not pondering the future or the “what if” of one more un-promised good day. Trust your gut.

[Arelle]

Just a thought - take it or leave it, but can you change mentally framing it to a celebration?

That sounds bizarre, but hear me out. He still is getting around and feeling well enough to see people and snark on his pasture mate. That’s a good thing. But you know this isn’t forever, and it’s in his best interest to say goodbye before he has more bad days than good.

You’ve had him seven years. Over half of his life has been so much fun with you. That’s a GREAT thing. No one - horse or person - is going to live forever; it’s just the hard reality we all have to accept. You two are lucky in that you have the power to make it a peaceful ending - there are far, far worse fates out there.

If it were mine (I have a 23 year old I’ve had for 20 years, so I get it) - I’d get a photographer and a big sparkly dress and I’d get some professional photos done. I’d find one of those folks on Etsy who do horse hair jewelry and I’d get a bit of his tail to send off. And then I’d set a date based on the forecast that’s beautiful and sunny, and take him to the clinic with as much “junk food” as he wants to eat - sweet feed, treats, etc and I’d stuff him full and then tell him “see you later and thank you”.

I understand detaching yourself as a protection mechanism. I do the exact same thing. Which is why I suggest reframing it - it’s sad that he has to go, but it’s great that he gets to go on his/your terms. Celebrate the time you have left with him, so that there are no regrets once he’s gone.

[Luseride]

We will let one go today. He has lived his entire life at our place, almost 21 years. He got sick a couple of years ago with pneumonia, recovered but had scarring in his lungs. This July he went downhill all at once. We have tried many different meds and types of care. About two weeks ago we knew it was almost time. He still eats well but is very weak and has lost a lot of weight.

It is the right thing to do although it is hard. My vet and I both agree he will not improve. I would worry he would lay down and could not get up and suffer.

[Simkie]

We have the beautiful ability of foresight. It allows us to make kind choices for our animals, but man–is it hard on us.

I very much agree that the euthanasias I’ve regretted are those that have been “too long” and the guilt and weight there is terrible. In the moment, I thought I was making the right decisions. It was only as things got bad that it became clear.

Letting an animal go when they still have some joy in life is so much better, both in the moment and in retrospect. When you know things are not going to improve, and the only path is decline, why continue?

I’m so very sorry you’re facing these decisions. Big hugs, for you and your horse.

[reithme2]

Thanks everyone - I really appreciate the responses.

My husband is going to come out this weekend - hes known the horse as long as I have and while not a horsey person I’m hoping he can give me an unbiased opinion.

I thought keeping him around would let me celebrate his life so to speak but its been so much harder than I thought. I’m so distracted at work and break down at least once a day and I’m just exhausted. I thought maybe it would get easier but IDK. I think I want to put him down sooner than later - its just hard to admit.

I also am struggling with logistics too - scheduling a farrier apt for shoes feels weird/wrong and would you even do spring shots if I do keep him a while? (Farrier is coming tomorrow because he is already late in his cycle and I do want him to be comfortable)

How does boarding work - if I take him in March 2nd should I expect to pay April board as my ‘notice’? I honestly dont care about the money - we can afford it and I was planning on paying for this guy for another 10 years - but at the same time I cant help think we are throwing money, special feed, board, shoes, ulcer meds, on a horse that we know only has a bit of time left…

I think I am too worried about what others think - that I’m giving up on him and could/should give him more time.

[Simkie]

@reithme2

I think I am too worried about what others think - that I’m giving up on him and could/should give him more time.

Put this one to bed 100%. No one–no one–has all the information you do about his disease, outlook, and current status. What other people think doesn’t matter, and there are a whole lot of people out there who would do wrong in a case like this, anyway.

[JBCool]

Oh, @rethme2, BTDT with my own special TB and know it is so so so hard. I could have even written parts of your post, esp your paragraph about how special he is and replacing him. I ended up there several times with my horse before committing to the decision and setting his date. He was 10. I wish I could take some of the pain for you and I’m crying as I type… @Arelle pretty much laid out the same plan I was going to. Plan it for before he gets dire/miserable and make the last time as happy for the two of you as possible. He won’t ever know he “could have” had more days, but if he gets bad, his last time could be in a lot of pain and that will be your last memory of him. I have done that, too, you NEVER forget it. It sounds like he has had a wonderful life with you. You are NOT giving up on him! You are planning a dignified, easy end to a path that would only get worse. You both have my love and prayers.

[reithme2]

Thanks guys - I think in my head I thought he’ll bounce back this summer like he has in the past but knowing hes further in his kidney failure now there is a chance he wont even look better in the summer months despite being on grass, etc.

I did get some photos of him last summer when he was in better weight/condition so I’m glad I have those for sure - if I didnt I would consider it now but he honestly isnt looking the best - probably a 4 on BCS and he has a huge winter coat that hasnt started to shed out and shaved patches from the ultra sound.

100% do not wish this on anyone.

I literally got a therapist just to work through this (and I’ve wanted to for a while) but am now realizing how do you explain a relationship with a horse to someone non-horsey - its not like a dog or anything else… so unique.

[foggythistle]

I put my elder statesman down on April 3 several years ago. It was the second time in a week that he hadn’t been able to get himself up after a roll in his stall. He was 3 weeks short of his 34th birthday. He was 16.3+, so not an easy soul to lift. I paid the April board. The BO asked if I wanted her to refund it (I’d paid April and May early). I told her no.

A couple months later, I started looking for a horse. Not a replacement. Just a horse. The BO found one that I ‘leased’ for a month while I decided whether or not to buy him. She didn’t make me pay, since I had paid for an empty stall for a couple of months.

If you decide to take him in early March, then I would tell the BO as soon as you know the date. Ask them if they want the full month, or a day fee. I’m thinking you wouldn’t be charged for April. It’s not like you took your horse and moved them to another barn.

[MsM]

First I would have a frank discussion with the vet. Aside from not eating, what other signs should you look for. If you wait, would he get rapidly worse one day or continue a slow decline? Then think about how the horse would be feeling and how quickly you can address any downturns. Finally, think of yourself and your emotions. Is watching this horse torturing you emotionally and causing you to freak at every sniffle? The horse doesnt understand time, so sparing yourself is a valid consideration.
Assuming there is not a potential for a catastrophic event due to his issues, I would likely give us a short time more. Let him enjoy a week or two, perhaps with some forbidden snacks. Visit when you can. When I was in a similar situation with a dog, I found it helped to focus on something like a good grooming or a gentle walk and work very hard to stay in the moment. Cry on the way home. A therapist is a great idea.

Sorry. Sux.

[hoopoe]

@reithme2

Every time I go out to see him I cry and I don’t even really want to go see him

This, this is the sign you need to let him go.

when animals show renal failure in their blood work, much of the kidney function is already gone. People with renal failure suffer very painful headaches. There is often muscle dysfunction due to electrolyte imbalances

It is a hard decision, I suspect no one would say you are wrong to make it now.
There are therapists who specialize in animal loss grief.
I wish you peace.

[blue_heron]

@hoopoe

This, this is the sign you need to let him go.

Agree with this. If it is no longer fun-- riding, hanging out with the horses, the barn and the people there-- then it is time to let go. Horses are too expensive on your peace of mind and your wallet to not be having the time of your life pretty much all the time.

OP, I trust whatever decision you make will be the right one.

[shiloh]

@reithme2

I think I am too worried about what others think - that I’m giving up on him and could/should give him more time.

You will always find those who will “Monday morning quarterback” your decisions. Don’t listen to them. Listen to what your heart and mind are telling you. I don’t know what to say to those people as I find it hard to deal with that level of insensitivity. There are politer people here who can help you with that.

You do what is right for him. That may coincide with what is right for you. I am sorry you are going thru this. (((hug)))

[Clover5]

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.

There was a lesson horse who I rode and loved to bits. I got my own horse, moved barns, a few years passed. Eventually I got into contact with his owners. They told me his cancer (which he’d been battling as long as I’d known him) had gotten worse and they didn’t know how long he had left. I ended up driving 3 hours to see him. We took tons of photos, spoiled him with his favourite peppermints (as his owner said, ‘It’s not like we have to worry about cavities’), and gave him a good brush/massage. They even let me ride him one last time which was an incredible gift. Before he went - which ended up being a couple of months after I saw him - a few more people came to say goodbye. His old trainer wasn’t aware that the cancer had worsened, and she said she would have liked to see him before he went when we told her later.

Do you know if there is anyone who would like to say goodbye to him? Any old owners, riders, people who loved him? Close relatives who haven’t visited in a while but knew him and would like to give him a last cookie? Obviously COVID makes this very difficult but it would be very kind of you to consider if there’s someone who would like the chance to see him one last time.

As others have said, spoil him with some favourite forbidden treats - after all, you don’t need to worry about cavities.

[reithme2]

Cool idea @Clover5! I did make a social media post about his diagnosis and prognosis for this very reason. He’s always been a barn favorite and a lot of people have been involved in our story. A few have reached one and one friend stopped by already at the barn to feed treats.

I think that made this all easier and then if I see anyone in a year or two no one will be surprised by the news.

I’m thinking I will do it sooner then later. Now just wondering on timing. My hubby will be out of town for 12 days in a few weeks and idk if I want to be alone so now thinking I’ll wait until he’s back in April.

Maybe on his 14 bday in early April…

I was really convinced I’d wait and he’d get better in the summer (gain weight and have more energy as he has in the past) but there is really no guarantee that will happen.

Vet predicts slow decline, will continue to lose weight and eventually won’t want to eat. She specifically said for horses with kidney disease appetite is key - but I agree he won’t know if he had another month or not.