Just about in tears today. I am not young and I am not naturally talented as a rider. Both facts are hard to accept, but it is what it is. I work very hard to be competent in the saddle. However, my body is not cooperative and miss mare requires that all requests be made correctly. My barn has a long comfortable bench and people normally watch others’ lessons. Why is it that people lack the good sense to leave and give a student privacy when a ride truly goes downhill, backwards, sideways - anyway other than forward?
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Same reason traffic slows for Gapers.
You know it’s not you in the wreck, but you gotta look 
If this helps, no audience, but Me, just after asking my trainer if she’d video my lesson:
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I’m sorry you had a bad lesson. Unless you’re at a barn with a really awful culture, I highly doubt anyone watching had any malicious intent, or that they’ll really remember after a day or two. People are mostly focused on themselves (or their phones.)
I used to be hypersensitive to anyone watching me do anything. Maybe it’s just getting older but I realized… even if they’re looking at you, it’s pretty passive. They’re not actively judging you, they’re just… there. And if you ask them later what they saw, they won’t remember details.
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We learn more by watching someone work through issues than by watching a seamless performance.
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Everyone has a culture of watching lessons here. That’s actually a very good learning tool.
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Your lesson was not the worst of the day or the week. Everybody has been there.
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If you are going to ride you need to practise getting into the zone where you don’t even know who is watching and you only pay attention to other horses to stay out of a crash. When you go to a show and horse has a meltdown you need to be able to focus and not think about rail birds.
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Women are raised to have social anxiety and be over sensitive to what other random people think of how they look. You need to get over that to progress in a sport. The only opinions that matter are in descending order: your horse, your coach, the judge. Don’t betray your horse to please your coach, don’t betray your coach to please a judge. Beyond that no one else matters and mostly they dont care.
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I’m older and a slowish learner of physical skills. I accept that and figure at my age just doing it is a win. Be kinder to yourself. It’s a journey. Also if you are having a terrible no good day it’s honestly better to wind down and try again another day. Formal lessons don’t allow for that. But once you and horse get tense nothing will go well and coach will get frustrated. Think about this experience and plan an exit strategy for the bad days and discuss in advance with your coach. Pressing through is often a bad idea.
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Keep in mind that they aren’t thinking “Oh Suzy is an awful rider!” They are thinking “Yeah that happened to me too!” They are sympathizing, not judging.
I was raised in a sports culture that drilled into us that when the chips are down, you do not abandon the team or your friend. You sit there in those stands through the 40-0 loss of misery, to support the team or your friend. Cheer the small accomplishments, applaud them at the end as they walk off the field/court/whatever.
As an adult, I’ve gradually figured out that the team probably wishes everyone would go ahead and leave early. Very early. It may be a kindness.
I don’t want people watching a difficult lesson or performance either. And being aware of them can make it harder to overcome whatever is going on. But there they stay.
I’ve learned to tell myself that everyone has terrible days on a horse, even top level professionals. The watchers hope to learn from someone else’s hard time. So just sit up there and keep riding through the problems as if I am going to figure this out any minute now.
I do wish there was a way to shoo people away, though …
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Don’t know if this helps in any way …
Normally would not post (or even watch) videos like these … but here are top level riders having some of their worst moments at the worst times - and on television! We are not the only one to have bad days with our horses!
**Suggest muting the terrible soundtrack stuck on both of these. **
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this one at the World Cup Grand Prix Final …
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I love to sit and watch lessons. I learn so much from watching. I never talk badly about the rider or trainer while watching. My opinions stay to myself. But there may be something I can learn even if the person is having a bad ride.
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If I’m taking a much needed break on a nice comfortable bench, I’m sure as heck not going to get up and leave just because someone’s lesson isn’t going well. I’m also probably not really paying a lot of attention to what you’re doing.
And being “not young,” not naturally talented as a rider, and having lessons turn into sh** shows doesn’t mean you’re special or unique. It just means you’re exactly like the rest of us and, as others have noted, we’re not judging, we’re sympathizing because we’ve all been there.
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The only thing i care about when someone is outside the ring watching is could they please! not lurk in the shadows. WHen i’m aboard and my horse notices something, i look…if it’s a person kinda hiding back there i walk my horse right up and tell them “Hi. Would you please say something outloud to my horse?” I don’t mind watchers, but i don’t like skulk (well, I don’t mind but my horse seems to)
When my horse does one of her quirky things…pawing at the ground like a bull at a red blanket, or backing up and backing up and backing up and backing up…the last thing i’m thinking about is who’s watching. All that matters is what is going on with my mare and how do we get over this. A lot of times i laugh because she is rather hilarious, (and she’s not dangerous at all)
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I am the only adult english rider that rides regularly at my barn. I often ride in group lessons with VERY able-bodied teenagers and tweens. I am the least able-bodied person on a horse any time I am riding; I have a disability. Many of the teens have been riding longer than I have.
The moms and dads watching their children’s lessons can probably hear me swearing and laughing as I ride by. The most advanced students see me going sideways during my ride. I am having an absolute ball of a time but I am nowhere closely matched to the kids’ physical ability. I can often get problems solved because I can think through them more but I for sure have a lot of people watching my rides and it’s not always pretty.
I’m ok with it. I’m having a blast and I can’t take myself seriously. I use to be so self-conscious of what others thought and as I’ve aged that’s fallen away more. Once I developed my rare degenerative issue I had even more practice not caring if people watched me and my funky walk or stared at my assistive gear.
The only time I feel terrible after/during a ride is when I feel like I didn’t benefit my horse. If mare has a hard time and I don’t find a way to end on a good note I feel upset.
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Everyone has been there. The people who were watching weren’t thinking you can’t ride, they were thinking of their OWN shitshow lessons and empathizing with you. (But probably still mostly thinking about themselves).
If you go to WEF or another big circuit and wander around for a weekend you will see lots and lots of very good, very well known riders having bad days. They fall off, their horses have meltdowns, they get bad distances, they stop out in the qualifier for the big class, etc. This sport humbles us all eventually; anyone who isn’t aware of that really isn’t worth taking into account.
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This, I learn a lot by watching,especially when things are aren’t going so well.
But, watching a lesson a while back, when the student came off the rail, and went to the middle and spoke to the trainer. Trainer came over to us and asked us to clear the arena, request fro student. No worries, no drama, we all filed out, much kudos to the student who was younger, for speaking out, and saying what she needed.
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I am another who watches lessons, from beginners to advanced. I would not have left as I can always learn something and I am there to help if the worse happens and you had a fall.
I am experienced and I remember being in tears after a lesson. My instructor asked me why and I replied that I felt so terrible, as I had done something wrong (I can’t remember what now) and it would be with my boy for the rest of his life and I felt that I had wrecked him.
His answer was that did not happen and in his observation it is only good riders who really care who cry. Those who can’t ride and don’t care don’t think twice if they hurt a horse and don’t cry.
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Every now and then I feel cruddy and like a bad rider when I get out of a lesson - like I’ll never teach my body to remember what it knew.
When I head back to give a carrot or two to the lesson horse, I usually hear my trainer saying nearly the same comments to the next lesson - it’s a good reminder that we all struggle, we are all trying to be better, and of all possible hobbies, this one involves two thinking beings trying to work together and we all have rough days communicating, both horses and riders.
(and this week was an epic shitshow because I nearly passed out when an ovarian cyst ruptured). When i dismounted, nearly incoherent, my trainer was like “you looked great until that - I was looking forward to having you jump”. Next week, I guess. (And I’m on extra enforced rest because my half-lease at a different barn is lame and off for at least two weeks, so no practice)
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Maybe you can think of this as an opportunity. It’s so valuable for our horses, in our riding, that we are able to be emotionally steady, not allow what happened 3 minutes ago keep us upset in the moment. What is really upsetting you here, is that your ego wants to prove the railbirds that you are a good rider; things go downhill and your ego starts screaming that these random people might have a bad opinion of your riding. If they weren’t there, you might be having the same thoughts about your trainer, or judging yourself and feeling the same frustrations. That doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t help the horse. Only the horse’s opinion matters, and he will like your riding better if you can let that shit go and stay in the moment (and it will benefit your riding too, it’s a catch-22).
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Really? you wouldn’t leave if directly asked? man, i’d be outta there in 2 secs.
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That you are aware that you are making mistakes is a big part of learning. The railbirds were once ALL novices as well. And be assured that they are not experts; otherwise, why would they be interested in watching an intermediate rider?
Part of learning to ride proactively is to tune out these outside distractions. This is one reason why dressage letters are so helpful; they provide you with some focus. Good luck on your journey, it’s a lifelong process.
You might audit some clinics. The purpose of clinics is largely to bring your problems, not to show off. You may see advanced riders struggling with issues just as you are.
I saw David O’Connor fall off a two-six jump. as a Parelli demo rider at a Horse Expo.
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Also, thank you for giving carrots to the school horse. That’s an A plus from me. You are welcome at my barn anytime.
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Sorry I didn’t read if asked. Yes if asked I would leave.
However where I watch I can never imagine a student saying that. There is always people in the grandstand. The parents of the other students, etc, The instructor would have to be the one to ask and I have never seen that happen in 20 years there, or 50 years anywhere.
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I too have had the peanut gallery issue when riding a difficult horse or having to tackle a challenging issue (for me). Sometimes I’ve put myself in that position because I was riding in a clinic, so auditors are welcome. Over the years I’ve been able to ignore the fact that others are present and watching. For the most part, any comments or mutterings I’ve overheard have been reasonable, fair or supportive.
There have been a couple of occasions though that there were negative comments that were too loud to ignore. In one situation a ‘trainer’ who was auditing a clinic in which I rode was dissing my riding and the fact that I didn’t deserve the horse that I had because of my difficulties in handling said horse. He was a very talented 4 year old who had just been backed and was known to have a prickly personality as more than one trainer determined. He preferred to spend his time on his hind legs and the clinician was helping me get through one of his ‘moments’. Once I was safely past his moment and had him moving nicely forward and into the contact, I halted and led my horse over to the peanut gallery. I handed said peanut my reins and kindly asked her to get on and show me and everyone else how it SHOULD be done. I thought she was going to choke on her spit…LOL. Needless to say I finished my ‘lesson’ with the clinician without hearing another word from her or any of the others.
I’ve also had clinicians chime in to ‘correct’ the misstatements made by a peanut gallery which only drew my attention to what ‘must have been’ discussed; otherwise, I was so focused on my riding that I was oblivious. As many have said, we’ve all been there. Most people are supportive. Those who aren’t just haven’t had their asses in enough saddles YET. Don’t mind the rail birds. In fact learning to block out such spectators and focusing solely on your horse is a good life skill to develop. Horses can teach us a lot about ‘real life’ in ways that many don’t realize. And you never know what you might be teaching the rail birds either…turning lemons into lemonade on multiple levels 
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