Working-adulting-horse care - how are you finding time?

[Blueeyedroan]

I am having a bit of a mid-life meltdown and I need the advice of you “together” adults that have it figured out !

I turned 30 this year.
I had horses at home in my kid years, and have been boarding 2-3 horses consistently since I was 19. Project horses, it’s my hobby.
I am a homeowner (solely), very aincent broken down house on a lot that needs a lot of regular care to keep from looking like a dr*g house haha.
I work full time , have since I was 18. As the sole owner of the house I’m also the bill payer, so working any less than a LOT is not an option.
Of course there’s the boyfriend, he works long hours too. We get what time we can to work on our relationship and have a home cooked meal together every night.
It’s always been a struggle, working full time , holding together a home and consistently working at least 2 horses. But I’ve managed …. Until recently.

I used to have FULL BOARD.
Now almost no local barns provide full board anymore. You have to muck every single day , some you have to go stuff all of your own haynets, and any turnout time is self-managed as well. There’s no barn kids left to hire it seems, and barn owners are out chasing their own careers. There’s no full board anymore.
And it still costs just under $500/month per horse.
For most of my life I have worked labour jobs in sawmills and manufacturing. Very early start times so I was off early in the day, or 10-12 hour shifts so I had 3-4 days off at a time so I could work horses.
But now I’m a bit older and moved to customer service …. 8am to 5pm 5 days a week.

Guys : I DO NOT HAVE TIME. I am exhausted. I can’t work all day , make dinner , clean , and still find time to muck and ride.
Right now I’m mucking before work , which leaves me ZERO time to ride. By the time I’m done work it’s time for making dinner, clean up, shower, acknowledge my dogs existence and go to bed so I can get back up at 5:30am and start all over again.
No kids ! That’s the one thing I’m not juggling.

Between the 2 barns I regularly board at I’m one of the very few fully employed younger women that is still around. It’s all ladies who work part time , or not at all. The well~off and the comfortably retired.
I’m neither of those things. I’m the middle aged woman with a beater truck , a full time job , all the responsibilities and my latest unbroke or unreasonably crazy, budget priced horse. And I’m about to give it up completely because I simply can’t do it anymore.

HOW ARE YOU LADIES DOING IT OUT THERE!?
Please tell me there’s some magic formula I’m missing here?
I don’t want to give up. Project horses have been my goals , my therapy, my identity , my focus for 15 years.
But it feels like my type have mostly already been snuffed out around here and I’m just next on the list.

Advise please !

[trubandloki]

Deep breath!

Most of us have been there. Maybe not the same exact situation but at some point we have said - how can I do all this, maybe I should take up a hobby that does not eat every day.

You have lots of options, you just need to take a deep breath and figure out how you want to move forward.

Random thoughts on options in no specific order:

• Do you really need to have a home cooked meal every night? Do you really need to be the person to make that home cooked meal every night? How about you plan a couple of week nights where you have that home cooked sit down meal together and the other nights are something you planned ahead for, making a big left over friendly meal or two on the weekends or prepping for easy meals on the weekends. Or maybe he can make the home cooked meal a couple of nights per week.

• Reassess your theories on how much you need to ride your project horse. Maybe your project horse will not advance as quickly if you schedule yourself ride times only three days per week (two weekend days and one week day), but it will be fine and it does not care if it takes a few extra months to get from point A to point B. Schedule your riding nights like they are a lesson. Make it a commitment to your time and explain the need for that to your SO.

• Since the barn is self care, can you set up a shared care arrangement with some of the other ladies at the barn? You will let them sleep in on Saturday and do all the morning chores on Saturday if they will do your chores some other day of the week? Or figure out a turn out, bring in schedule that allows more time out for everyone and half the work for the owners, where you all share that chore.

• Hay bag stuffing is easily solved. Buy more hay bags and once per week stuff all you need for the week (or a few days worth). I find this saves me a strangely huge amount of time on a daily basis (or maybe it just feels like it is saving me time, but it certainly feels that way).

• See if your employer allows for different hours or a different schedule.

• Have a sit down with your SO about how stressed you are, how important the horse(s) is to your life and how you are feeling overwhelmed. Brain storm together on how you two can make this work so yo have a little breathing room to enjoy your riding. I know this saying is meant to be snarky but in a sincere way it works here - happy wife happy life. Can you help you have a little more free time to enjoy riding?

[Libby2563]

You’re in a tough position regarding both time and money. With time you could make money (part-time job) and with money you could make time (hiring out horse or home chores).

Since you own multiple horses, one way to free up resources would be to sell one and put that time and money into the others.

Also, a home cooked meal together every night is probably not realistic with a 9-to-5 type job and multiple horses. What about cutting that down to weekends plus MWF, freeing up your TTh evenings for horses?

[DawgLady]

Is there no full care board at all, or just none in your budget? You mention that you’re currently paying $500/mo per horse, which definitely would not pay for full care near me. Around my area it’s at least $700+, and this is a low COL area. If it’s available, just too expensive, you could always downsize to one horse.

Whereabouts do you live?

As a corporate employee, wife, mom, volunteer, and pet owner…there is no way I could do what you do. I am completely reliant on the barn for all my horse’s care. And they’ll ride him for me when I can’t get out (which is a lot).

[Jealoushe]

I work full time 8:30 - 5, am a single household and owner/caretaker to my own horses also. I usually ride 1-2 an evening. What time do you go to bed? How far is the barn? Can you cut meal time down? You should be able to find an hour or two a few times a week to ride if you analyze your schedule and how you are doing things.

Can you do your adulting errands on your lunch breaks? On the way home? Can you dedicate one or two days a week for all the home chores etc and the rest gives you time to ride?

[Foxglove]

@trubandloki has giving you great suggestions. The only one I would add is to consider what you really enjoy most about your horse(s). Project horses take a lot of time (been there). They cost the same to keep as “steady Eddy” you can ride any time regardless of how long Ed’s been unridden (have two of those myself). My suggestion would be that if riding is your joy --consider a less time consuming horse --one that is fun to ride once a week for an hour or two instead of one that need daily training. Frankly, done well (in my opinion) training a horse is a full-time job if done well and thoroughly. One trainer once said, “It’s like going to school. If you go every day, you will be well educated in 12 years; if you go one day a week, it’s going to take you longer.” Same with horses --working with a project horse once in a while is frustrating. Daily work one sees progress.

Fact is when I was 30-50, working full time with 3 kids then raising a grandkid, I rode when I could. After the kiddos left home, life opened up for me. I hope it will for you too --now retired, I have the time to really enjoy my horses --I hope you will find the balance to do so too.

[NoSuchPerson]

During some times of my life, I just couldn’t - couldn’t own a horse and didn’t ride. I didn’t have the time and/or I didn’t have the money. It happens to lots of people.

If you have to take a break from horses for a while, it’s not the end of the world and it doesn’t have to be forever. I was horseless for about 10-12 years during my 30s/early 40s because I just couldn’t squeeze horses into my life.

[joiedevie99]

@Foxglove

n raising a grandkid, I rode when I could. After the kiddos left home, life opened up for me. I hope it will for you too --now retired, I have the time to really enjoy my horses --I hope you will find the balance to do so too

I could not do it. My horses are in full care and full training - so they are groomed and tacked when I arrive, and ridden by my trainer when I can’t make it. Dinner is a once a week event on Saturday. The rest of the time it’s whatever can be made in 10-15 minutes or less. We have a cleaning service that comes every other week, and a lawn service that does the same.

[clanter]

Please tell me there’s some magic formula I’m missing here?

my daughter has sent her two horses to my backyard

[showy]

So many of us have been in a similar situation.

We can give you time saving tips if that’s what you want. We can also advise you to evaluate your priorities and pick out what matters most whether that be a different horse, less horses, different job, whatever.

Here are my time saving suggestions:

Stalls- bank shavings up in a corner if the horses don’t destroy them. Quick to clean, pull over the needed amount of shavings rather than have to run and go get bags or loose shavings every time.

Feed- second the multiple hay bags. Also prep grain and supplements in Tupperware for the whole week. Dump and go.

Property thoughts- can you move and bring your horses home? Alternatively, can you find field board that would be less work for you? I don’t feel bad when I don’t make it out there if they’re out 24/7 or even all day or night.

Dinner- crock pot and insta pot are your best friends. Dump in a big dinner and eat leftovers for lunch/ dinners. It works for me and SO to have nights pre determined when we cook. I cook Monday and Friday. He cooks Tuesday and Thursday, which are my riding nights.

Good luck!

[ZuzusPetals]

@Blueeyedroan

I’m the middle aged woman with a beater truck , a full time job , all the responsibilities and my latest unbroke or unreasonably crazy, budget priced horse. And I’m about to give it up completely because I simply can’t do it anymore.

If you think this is tough at 30, wait until you’re actually middle age. If you even make it to middle age. Because frankly, you’re an accident waiting to happen.

Life changes majorly every 10 years. Who you were at 20 isn’t who you are at 30, and expect another big shift at 40 – truly middle age. Your hobby shouldn’t be a struggle, yet that’s what it’s become.

What happens if the beater car breaks down? If you get pregnant? If you or your boyfriend get injured? If the ancient house needs a new roof?

Shortly before turning 30 I loved doing all that you’re doing and then some, until I took a step back, exhausted. I started to ease out of horses, leasing and riding less and stopping showing completely. And then it hit me: The barn and its humans weren’t a good fit for me, just as your barn’s set-up right now isn’t a good fit for you. I was tired of worrying about car repairs and vet bills and maintaining a house that was way too big and way too old and way too in need of a gut renovation. The boarders my age were a lot like me, and they were angry gossip mongers all the time. I embraced the older ladies, but we had only horses in common. We were in completely different places in age and finances. They invited me to enjoy drinks and meals out after riding, but I had neither the time nor the money, and on the occasions I joined them, I couldn’t compare notes about kitchen renovations and exotic vacations. The signals were all around me. The signals are all around you.

So I packed my trunk and left it in the basement for almost 25 years. It broke my heart every single day. But horses were a luxury for me. I wasn’t independently wealthy. I decided that I would come back one day, no matter how long it took. That when I returned, riding would be a joy and not part of a list of things I had to do. That I would be in a place financially when I could handle a major expense and continue to ride.

Horses were such a big part of my identity. No matter how much I analyzed, though – A quarter-lease? Just hacking? Just weekly lessons? – I needed to walk away, or continue to risk falling asleep at the wheel, or making a dangerous error at the barn from lack of sleep or distraction, or watching horses become a sore point between me and my partner, or failing in my profession because I couldn’t give it all the attention it demanded.

So your question shouldn’t be: How do I continue to do all this? Because by your own admission, you can’t. Rather: How do I shed some of what’s wearing me down and continue to stay mentally and physically happy? Maybe the solution is selling the house and renting. Maybe it’s selling the horses and doing a half-lease, or finding someone to lease yours.

Walking away from horses led me to other activities that seriously enriched my life. The house’s major projects are almost done. Professionally I’m doing real well. I’m back to riding, finally, with a new attitude and new goals. I’m in charge of my hobby as opposed to my hobby having a stranglehold over my time, relationships, emotions and finances. It’s a really good place to be. I earned it.

Best wishes to you. So many of us here know the heartache and we’re here for you. If you’re not prepared to ease up or walk away from horses, please consider some of the excellent time-saver suggestions from these wise women.

[Laverne77]

I don’t have any advice or magic time portal for you, OP, but I can tell you that you are not alone in your angst and struggle. I am 45, single homeowner/bill payer. I get up at 4:00 every weekday morning, work a part time job 4:45 – 7:00, then go to my full time job 7:00 – 3:30, then go to the barn (20 minute drive from work) and do chores which take until around 6:00. Then I have a 30 minute drive home. I take care of whatever house stuff/shower/eat/try to get in about 30 minutes to unwind and relax, and be in bed by 8:30 or 9:00. Then get up and do it all again. On the weekends I work a couple part time jobs. My barn situation is somewhat different in that I do chores for my barnmate (clean his 7 stalls, feed, etc.) in exchange for keeping my 3 horses there. But I rarely have time to work with my own horses. Plus, I have some burnout going on. The barn is heated, the indoor arena is heated, I have no excuse for not working my horses, other than time and loss of enthusiasm, since after working 12-13 hours I generally am not in a good frame of mind. It’s a double edged sword: I feel like I’m working extra to have the horses, but because of all the extra work I don’t have time for the horses. I have thought about getting out of it but two of mine are not marketable, plus I can’t imagine my life without horses. So, I soldier on. This time of year makes it harder as well. I feel like I have more energy and can function on a little less sleep in warmer months with more daylight.

Hang in there, OP. One thing I’ve learned about life is that it keeps evolving. Your daily schedule today when you are 30 will most likely not be your daily schedule when you are 35, or 45, and so on.

[TheJenners]

@Blueeyedroan

For most of my life I have worked labour jobs in sawmills and manufacturing. Very early start times so I was off early in the day, or 10-12 hour shifts so I had 3-4 days off at a time so I could work horses.
But now I’m a bit older and moved to customer service …. 8am to 5pm 5 days a week.

Guys : I DO NOT HAVE TIME. I am exhausted. I can’t work all day , make dinner , clean , and still find time to muck and ride.

Yeah that switch from a 12-hour shift to a “regular” one is an effing bait-n-switch. I worked three-12s for 13+ years and about a year ago got a new position that was four-10s, always on call, but “guaranteed” weekends off barring things going sideways. I thought it would work great, could actually go do horsey things on the weekend, see my instructor more regularly (plus the on-call pay would pay for an extra couple lessons a month if I wanted!), the shorter shift meant I could get home and maybe ride after work… Yeah, no, hooey, I somehow have less time and I’m more tired. I’m more stressed. I had some other crap happen this year work and farm that made it so that I haven’t ridden since hmmm July? and got depressed which made me less likely to go ride because “why bother…”

@trubandloki

Do you really need to have a home cooked meal every night?

OP it sounds like you have a BF at home? He needs to do his share if he lives there, you shouldn’t be doing the lion’s share of the cooking and cleaning “every night.” If you have the money, or he does, or you can pool it, get a house keeper, that was hands-down the best decision I made for myself as an adult. I am alone on a farm with six equines, chickens, a huge garden that I actually enjoy being in AND it pays me back in food and some funds. I couldn’t do the mowing and weedeating just to not look like “that” neighbor and all the things I wanted to do like horses and gardening AND the freakin house work. Also, get some damn frozen meals. That’s a no-brainer. My friend has a deal with her husband, one of them does the homecooked meal on Monday, the other on Friday, and they generally fend for themselves the rest of the time so they can do their individual hobbies (horses and planes).

[floppyammy]

Unfortunately, OP there is NO magic answer that you’re missing. Instead, there are some hard realities that you are coming to face.

Owning horses is a luxury hobby, as much as we hate to admit it. We may consider it our therapy or identity, but the real world does not have a care for that.

Your current situation doesn’t sound sustainable and will likely only get harder as you age and/or health, personal or financial crises arise (as they inevitably do).

My immediate advice would be to get down to one horse as quickly as possible. Sell or rehome one of your horses. Then put into effect the some of the time, money and energy-saving strategies that have been outlined in earlier posts by other posters.

This is probably not the advice that you were looking for, but it is the advice that you need.

[Blueeyedroan]

Thanks for all the replies guys!!! Definitely see I’m far from alone in this. You’ve given me a lot of good advice to chew on and I really appreciate it.

To answer a few questions:

Where do I live?
Southern British Columbia (yep, Canadian). Sky high living costs, sadly buying land is now for millionaires only where I live. Aging parents and an only child, leaving now for somewhere cheaper isn’t an option.

What if the beater breaks down and the house needs a new roof ?
Both of those things happened already haha. New roof was $21,000 for a 1,000 sq ft house…. Ouch. But I was able to pay for it. The ONLY thing I am in debt for is my house, I save all the money I can and always have a “pad”. Also my credit rating is spotless and since I’m not financed out the buttox (no vacations no fancy toys no nice truck no credit card debt) if I need to borrow for home repairs I can do it no problem.
As for the horrendous beaters - I own 4 of them. If one breaks down I just hop in another one. Old trucks are hard to kill, cheap to fix and anyone can work on them. I’m talking 80’s models here… old beasts. I also work at a mechanic shop so that helps!
I live like a complete hobo - but there is always money for repairs and vet bills. Always a backup plan. That’s the ONE thing I’m on top of.

Changing work hours - not an option.
Changing my SO’s motivation level or understanding my deep passion for the sport - also not an option. That’s another rant for another day , smh.
I could live on some microwave meals and go ride after work but that would be the end of my relationship… it already almost was once (3 years and counting in this one).

Full board facilities- there just aren’t any left. Anything full board is either fully private , or so far from me it’s not worth it. There seem to be no barn kids left. Kids working for lessons, kids working off board, kids willing to muck for a chance to ride your horse.
And it’s hurting local barns.

Thanks again everyone. I’ve got some deep thinking to sit down and do.

[OnAMission]

I kind of wondered how much impact the BF was having on the situation… You’re cliffing out b/c your BF home life is colliding with your evenings with your horses. If there isn’t any room to do every other evening or ease up the domestic duties then you do have some thinking to do. As someone that would love to be 30 again I’d sure not like to spend that youth on cooking and cleaning and working on a relationship!

[endlessclimb]

@Blueeyedroan

Changing work hours - not an option.
Changing my SO’s motivation level or understanding my deep passion for the sport - also not an option. That’s another rant for another day , smh.
I could live on some microwave meals and go ride after work but that would be the end of my relationship… it already almost was once (3 years and counting in this one).

Very concerning here.

Take a step back and ask yourself if you’re dating a human, or a child.

He needs his own hobbies, of which “you” should not be #1 on the list.

[luvmyhackney]

I suck at quoting on my IPad, but if my SO wasn’t capable of feeding himself and supporting my passion plus living in my home……

Oh hell to the no. He would have been long gone especially if he interfered with my animals or priorities.

If he is causing you this much stress or to choose him over your passion, you need to make some life decisions, having a BF is supposed to be like having a supportive bestie that you cuddle with, not someone who threatens to leave if you don’t make him dinner.

Editing to add: 30 is young, either he shapes up or ships out. You deserve better.

[rulex]

I can empathize with the dire situation in your area. I posted my own similar thread here probably 10 years ago. I’ve had to make the tough choices to figure out how to survive in that area and I also see that the middle has been completely squeezed out and boarding barns keep closing. I had to move away because I didn’t see how I could sustain horse ownership in that area.

I also couldn’t do it without SO support. When we still lived in the area the other killer for me was commute time to the barn. I made it work with some work flexibility that allowed me be on the road by 4pm. Usually got home by 8:30pm to find dinner on the table, eat, shower, catch up on random things and collapse into bed. Sometimes to give SO a break I’d pick up take out otw home.

I had to take a break from horses for a while, and when I’ve contemplated giving up altogether SO has stated he much prefers the version of me that gets regular horse time than the one that doesn’t.

[Blueeyedroan]

That’s where it gets tough.
He doesn’t really have hobbies. He gets very involved with his work , other than that his idea of an awesome day is to watch TV and game. He doesn’t really have anything to be deeply passionate about so he thinks that I’m legitimately cray-cray about the horse thing.

He has let me teach him how to ride and does enjoy coming on the occasional trail ride. Takes videos and helps me muck once in a long while.
Also , he has the nice big Duramax diesel truck so he hauls my horses when I do want or need to go somewhere.

He just doesn’t understand that horses are FULL SEND or NO SEND in my world. He’s used to “horse people” being someone with a couple horses grazing out back that haven’t been ridden in over a year. In my world that’s not how being a true equestrian works.

It’s a tough situation.