Would like some COTH ideas for dealing with another competitor at upcoming competition . .

[Foxglove]

There may be no answer here, but hoping for one anyway.

Headed to a three day competition over Memorial Day that will be held in a rather isolated venue where competitors (including me) will camp with our horses. If as usual there will be 25-35 competitors, men and women, most vastly younger than (closer to 70 than 60).

For the most part, everyone is cordial and professional. However, I saw on the list of competitors one 40 something woman who is difficult. I suspect Asperger’s due to her complete inability to read social cues and her rapid fire monologues that focus on topics such as the currency exchange rate with Hungary and her travels during her life time to Canada and Europe (not many but repeated over and over starting with, “Did you know I went to Spain?” --and regardless if one says yes or no, the lengthy story is told with great detail, again at a rapid fire rate.

And I, and everyone else, try to avoid her – really tough under the circumstances. She shows up as soon as she sees me at the trailer at day break and asks if I have any coffee --well, there’s a pot made --so what can I say. She helps herself to a mug (didn’t return the last one), creamer, sugar, and if something eatable is on the table, helps herself to that too, then sits down in one of the camp chairs and begins her rapid fire monologue. After the first day, it will focus on how well or how poorly she is doing —lots of bragging "Did you see when I . . . " if she’s winning, and lots of blaming if she is doing poorly, "I would have won that if . . . "

Same with dinner --my partner and I plan our meals and eat at our trailer --always an extra something for those who stop by — the Annoying One [we’ll call her Debi] comes and helps herself and then speaks about what she will cook next time (she has yet to cook anything).

I worked with students with Asperger’s. I was told by Special Education to be clear and direct. And I AM --but it isn’t working —, “Debi, if you are drinking my coffee, you need to bring your own mug.” Answer: I will next time (doesn’t). “Debi, I heard your story about Spain before. I don’t want to hear it again.” Debi: Well, I didn’t tell you this part. Me: “Debi, I am planning on Mary Beth joining us for dinner, so you need to eat at your camp.” Debi: I wait until she comes (plants butt in chair).

And I’ve tried redirection: “Debi, Jamie at the red trailer is new to our sport. I think she’d like to hear your story about Spain.” – off she goes --but eventually comes back --as soon as she sees the coffee pot out.

I The biggest gripe I have? Debi ALWAYS talks about the horse she left at home that could have won EVEVERYTHING, but she couldn’t bring it because (pick–she’s used them all --horse is in foal, horse has a foal, truck is broken, trailer is broken, needs shoes, lost a shoe, daughter’s using horse to try out for the Olympic Team (exaggeration, but you get the idea --no one has ever seen “the horse at home.” ) --And about MY horse who does a good job? She says, He’s kind of (pick: small, short strided, calf kneed, --she said them all). Debi rides her “other” horse at competitions --it doesn’t do well . . .

So, ideas? How can I discourage the “stray cat” from coming around the campsite? (Yes, I know, quit going myself . . . but it is a brilliant group except for . . .

[Scribbler]

What do other people do? Does she bother everyone equally? Does she come with anyone or always alone?

The problem is that she now thinks she has a friendly relationship with you. I don’t see what you can do other than be very blunt and tell her to leave because you have so ethung else to do.

If you work with Special Needs kids this will be hard because you are so used to accommodating this behavior at work, but that’s a situation where you have institutional authority to ask people to moderate their behavior and also you get to leave it behind when you go home. You maybe need to completely lose any residual teacher caringness in this situation and be blunt.

[Gardenhorse]

I think you will need to be even more direct, to the point where you will probably feel extremely rude. The question that only you can answer is whether that will make you feel worse than just putting up with her does.

[trubandloki]

@Gardenhorse

I think you will need to be even more direct, to the point where you will probably feel extremely rude. The question that only you can answer is whether that will make you feel worse than just putting up with her does.

This was my thought too.

Another option is to just plan on her being there. For example, bring paper cups so when she does not have a coffee cup she is walking off with something you do not need back.

[Foxglove]

Thank you @Scribbler @Gardenhorse @trubandloki --What do other people do —I’ve been involved in this sport for four years —and Debi [the annoying one] was there from the onset --I think she’d been involved for a year or two before I joined. Other people have tried different things: One woman is extremely (in my opinion) vocal --sees Debi headed her way and says very loudly “Debi, find another camp to visit. I don’t want you here.” She also called me when I hosted a clinic and asked if Debi was attending --when she found out she was, she asked not be placed in her group or in proximity to her at the camp ground. A second competitor has a background in psychology --she has tried for two or three years to “help” Debi become more socially aware. But she told me as much as she has worked with her, she has seen little improvement. My opinion (which I shared) was that at 40, Debi was past the age where any therapy would change her behavior. Secondly, I felt that Debi was getting too much satisfaction (enjoyment) out of what she WAS doing —of course we always interact with her --when she says she did poorly, we all assure her she did great --when she does well, we call congratulate her. She has no reason to change her behavior.

I can only change mine. And it would seem that it is time to be more direct, more blunt, and have some follow thorough --“Sorry, Debi. You’ve hit me up for coffee every time and you never bring your own mug. So not today.”

I have noticed that if I shoo her away, she always finds someone to latch on to.

She does camp alone (tent) but catches a ride with another competitor (the psychologist) – but many competitors tent camp and many come solo—I did until my partner in the competition asked me to stay with her in her LQ when we compete (didn’t have to ask me twice).

So more blunt it will be. Like having a plan!

[Scribbler]

I always feel bad being rude to such folks, but then I realize everyone else is also rude out of necessity and the person is used to it.

[Foxglove]

@Scribbler --Special Ed teacher who worked with the boy I had in my class said he doesn’t “get” rudeness --it isn’t in his ability to understand it —the boy was totally into my classroom goldfish. He asked to clean the tank, feed him, and always asked how he was after a long weekend or school vacation. One break, the power went out at the school, and the goldfish died (he must have been quite old by then), I asked the SE teacher how to let the boy know the fish died. She said, “Just tell him.” I did. He said, “Are you getting another one?” --no sadness —just wanted to know if I was getting another fish.

[lenapesadie]

Egads. That’s rather annoying. I agree a bit more bluntness is a good next step.

Good luck!

[Amym600]

OHH, I deal with someone like this in my trail riding group. If you say yes to anything expect her to take, use (and not return) all of your equipment and food. And she will insert herself into anything and everything with no cues. I finally had to be rude. Uncomfortable for me rude. I would do exactly as the other person did. As soon as she comes near tell her she’s not welcome to anything and you do not want her there.

[2DogsFarm]

@Foxglove

I have noticed that if I shoo her away, she always finds someone to latch on to.

There’s your answer.
Maybe not the most comfortable, but seems effective.
These competitions are your getaway & it is not your responsibility to make this pest happy.

BTW {narrows eyes suspiciously} I may share the pest’s name (sic), but hopefully not her personality < kidding!

[Foxglove]

@2DogsFarm — not YOU! Wish we got together more often IRL! Both you and your faux grandson are brilliant! Hoping you’ll make the competition where I will be participating over Memorial Day Weekend in Edwardsburg --then I will have someone to shoo The Annoying One toward! You can hear all about the currency exchange rate in Hungary!

[2DogsFarm]

Edwardsburg MI is a distinct possibility
Text me details so I don’t forget.

Oooh! Foreign exchange rates… Fascinating… NOT

[candyappy]

@Foxglove

One woman is extremely (in my opinion) vocal --sees Debi headed her way and says very loudly “Debi, find another camp to visit. I don’t want you here.”

As hard as it may be this might be your best option. Also no extra mugs or food may help and if you completely ignore her ( if possible) maybe she will find another place to land??

[hybriseris]

I used to frequent a gym that had an employee who was very clearly smitten with me. I was always polite but put my headphones on and went to my workout so as not to invite conversation. Eventually he got more intrusive. He would come up to me on the treadmill and scare the living daylights out of me just suddenly appearing. Apologized, told me he was autistic. Over the course of a week he started to get very, very intrusive. He asked for my number, he asked if I wanted to hang out, he asked if I wanted to get coffee after I worked out. I said no, no, and no without leaving the door open. I did, out of trying to really drop the hint, tell him I had a boyfriend but his response was only “I guess I should stop flirting with you then.” The day after that when he asked if I wanted his number, I was so fed up I very bluntly said “No, stop asking and please don’t speak to me.”

To his credit, he nodded and never did speak to me again. It felt awful being so blunt, but I truly don’t think he understood our interactions until I put it with absolutely no sugar. I think the subtleties of non-verbal or between the lines communication for someone anywhere on the spectrum are just too difficult.

We don’t know for sure Debi is even on the spectrum. It will suck when you put your foot down with her the first time, but she may just need the clear cut instruction regardless of whatever she’s got going on. The gym was a much happier place for me after ripping that bandaid off, and events will be for you too.

[SuzieQNutter]

I agree with above. No empty chair, bring them out when someone else wants to sit. No empty mug until someone else to hold it.

And be direct like the other person. As others have said you recognize you are being rude and don’t want to be. She won’t see it that way and is used to it.

[shiloh]

I bet Rude Woman doesn’t have any problems with her. Be Rude Woman.

[hoopoe]

Hidden Brain Podcast

One Head , Two Brains

this broadcast is/was this weekend. There is interesting discussion on the function and dysfunction of the different hemispheres of the brain. You may find this interesting and helpful. I agree with being more blunt and direct. The story above might help you feel a little better about your choice or understand her particular issue.

[Spudsmyguy]

My nephew is like this. Doesn’t pick up social cues and has no filter on what comes out of his mouth. He stayed with me for a while and the first day he was here he made me out of a shopping list!? He didn’t have any money so he expected I was going to buy his groceries. To his credit he was a good cook but to make out a shopping list or call me and ask me to stop by the store because he saw something on sale and I should “pick up a few packages to have on hand” of a food I never ate. Plus he always had to be right about everything and acted like he knew more than anyone else. He had no ambition to better himself and had a hard time dealing with authority in general so he was never able to hang onto a job. I finally kicked him out after a couple of months and he went to live with a friend and leech of him for a while.

[Foxglove]

@Spudsmyguy --Debi [the annoying one] ticks the same boxes as your nephew. Assumes others exist to bail her out, help her, provide for her —for two years I’ve heard about how she “needs a new truck” needs her former husband to fix her truck, needs a new trailer, tires, etc --meanwhile she’s riding with other people to competitions and [shudder] begging rides on other people’s horses. She asked my partner to ride her horse at a match — partner told her she’d have to pay 1/2 the horse’s entry fee/stabling. She agreed. Then half way through the Saturday/Sunday competition, decides that another person has a horse she can use. Ok --her choice --but then on the way out, Partner reminds her she owes $$$. Debi disagrees --says she only owes 25% since she rode the horse only half the time . . .Partner said she’ll never loan a horse again (I never loan my boys --well ok, once to a silver medalist, and once to #1 in the USA).

When I first met “Debi” she claimed to have a PhD and be a professor at a college. Currently she claims to have a PhD and be a teacher’s aide in the special Ed program at the local HS. She can’t afford anything (always going on about needing money for her truck, her trailer, her saddle, her equipment) —yet when pressed on why she isn’t more suitably employed --well, she doesn’t interact well with students/ she is 420 friendly/ she doesn’t like authority --a million reasons.

And she always acts like she knows more than anyone else. I was chatting up a competitor’s pre-teen son who seemed a little lonesome in the adult world where he found himself --found out his interest was finance. DH is in that field currently, has been for 40+ years, and used to teach it at a major university. I was listening to the boy talk about what he dreamed of doing --and sharing how my husband navigated commodities in his youth, and presently the stock market. Debi (who is talking to someone else) interrupts and begins to lecture him (and me) on the currency exchange rate of Hungary (one of her favorite topics). I was sad to see the young fellow wander off --he’d had some interesting ideas involving finance I would have liked to have heard . . .

End of the day --she’s just exhausting. Need to take a FIRM stance!

[Spudsmyguy]

So true, he was exhausting. Talked almost non-stop about nothing!