One woman is extremely (in my opinion) vocal --sees Debi headed her way and says very loudly “Debi, find another camp to visit. I don’t want you here.”
As others have said, this needs to be you. Do it firmly, stick to it, and you’ll not have to do it often.
What if you just didn’t let it bother you. I get it, and I do my best to not be around I don’t vibe with, but at some point you have to realize the problem is actually you and what you are allowing to bother you.
You also have every right to tell homegirl that you want to keep the conversation and mood positive-it’s a no complaint zone.
I am close with people that are on the spectrum and they can handle me being blunt but still kind and telling them that they are repeating themselves.
Maybe this is more a lesson for you, how to say no, how to not let “things” bother you.
What kind of horseshit is this??
Horse shit? Yeah totally!!! 
You are right-she should let it bother her.
@Gesaffelstein – what I shouldn’t let bother me is the decision to be more blunt and direct to curtail the intrusion. While generally I think I write clearly, I failed in this case to illustrate that this is a competition not a social gathering. The intrusions by Debi [the annoying one] are distracting – her in your face constant barrage of rapid-fire nonsense is, in my opinion, extremely difficult to ignore --especially when I am mounted and trying to put my mind into a zone where I can be an effective counter-part to my partner --both of us sitting on 1200 pound horses who are anxious to do their jobs. Debi has in the past ridden very close to me as I was NEXT IN LINE to and asked me if I could hold her horse while she put her dogs (2) in the round pen – I said no, of course. She has repeatedly left her equipment on the ground in various places, then asked me (and others) where it is --again often at moments when I am focused on what I need to do to be successful. And always after her runs, she rides up and says, “Did you see me? Did you see that? Did you see me?” Like a small child.
Don’t let it bother me? Do you compete?
I’ve competed in something horse related for 55 years (this sport is relatively new to me, but enjoy it) --to the last, other competitors have been respectful of each other at the crucial times of entering the venue and the time immediately leading up to it.
The FACT is what my partner and I are doing, and the others there are doing is dangerous (as is most things involving horses). Any distraction from loose dog on the course (Debi has been banned from bringing her dogs as of two years ago when they both got loose during a match and barked non-stop which she told the organizer was because she was not allowed to play Heavy Metal loud enough to calm them in her stall where she kept them). Any distraction should be avoided – our at competitions the warm up area is large and SILENT as people mentally prepare –
@TheJenners --I think I didn’t explain well enough that Debi isn’t distracting/annoying in purely social situations --if we were trail riding or just camping, well enough, I could improve my indifference —but one point that I agree with --I am the one who needs to deal with Debi more forcefully — and not let THAT bother me.
Oh I understood you perfectly, but since when it is YOUR/OUR responsibility to be the caretaker of someone who is a pain in the ass? You should haven’t to deal with someone rudely drinking your coffee, stealing your mug, sitting in your chair that you’ve already said is designated for someone else, or listen to her inane stories even after you said you had already heard it or didn’t want to hear it. That is NOT anyone’s responsibility. Hell it bothers me just reading it. To have to be the meanie and yell “GO AWAY” at her like a stray dog would/should make anyone feel chagrined because we are people with empathy. She lacks that. The problem, however, is not YOU, despite what was said above. This happy crappy pandering and the problem is you, not the person doing the deed thing is a societal tick in some groups that makes me want to puke. Change it up a little, what if Debi was Danny and he was a pushy male? NO ONE WOULD SAY THE PROBLEM IS YOU.
I will chime in again to say, be firm. There is no downside to losing her affection. She’s not a boss or client or in-law.
With the other details, is it perhaps time for you (plural or single) to approach the organizers with your concerns about her more dangerous kinds of behavior? Perhaps they can have a talk with her about keeping more to herself.
It’s very possible she’s had a brain injury in addition to whatever underlying issues are there. IME brain trauma tends to reduce executive function and releases whatever is in your inner self that you could previously control, whether that makes you more lazy or more bitchy or more needy. It’s omnipresent in horse world, part of why it can be so crazy. Brain trauma on top of some level of Asperger’s would be very difficult.
But it’s not your problem to solve. Your responsibility is to you and your horse. You need to stay focussed level rested to keep your horse safe. You would never let any person or animal pester and distract your horse. Give yourself the same care and protection.
Think the best suggestion here is just don’t leave the “door” open. No extra chair(s) or coffee mugs on display, pull one out only if needed, no cream or sugar or snacks) on display . Dont give her your ear, don’t stand and listen, just creates a target. Remove the target.
Same with tack, don’t leave it out unless you are using it, if Debi asks to borrow something, you don’t have one for her Do NOT get sucked into a discussion, the answer is no. Period. Not a negotiation, its no. Then walk away.
When people ask me if Ive seen their tack, I always say “ No, but I wasn’t looking or thinking about your tack”. End of discussion. Thats direct but, IMO, not rude for a random person you aren’t close to. I don’t say I am sorry to people like this either, not apologizing for their disorganization,
In trying to be nice to some people, you enable them to continue. No reason at all to continue when its not a friend or family member but a pest who tries to use you. Shes not going to stop it but you can if you stop allowing her to use you and suck the fun out if your horse time.
It’s also true that if you rebuff someone’s purely social overtures (talking your ear off about themselves) they will sometimes move over to requests for help. Continue to rebuff unless you see actual blood.
This is the same pattern children can learn. They get adult attention if they ask for something.
I don’t even help my friends look for gear. I have several friends who are always misplacing and then finding things and talking aloud about it. In one ear and out the other.
So then don’t leave yourself open to any coffee conversation or chair. I would pretend like you don’t even hear her if it is bothering you that much.
Poof she isn’t there. She will get the hint. You have been blunt and she still isn’t getting it.
If you don’t engage- the conversation is over.
I often get posters mixed up, but…are you the same loving and giving grandma that had her daughters stuff taking up space in your house for years?
@Gesaffelstein: I am that mom that had DDs ever increasing stuff here for years as she traveled the US on a surgical team training other medical teams. [She started out with renting one bedroom and one bathroom in my house, then began to spread . . . money was never the issue, she could well afford her own place, but she didn’t see why she should rent from someone else when she was only in town for a few days every six months or so. ]
With the strong encouragement and suggestions from COTH forum --she now has her own apartment (about 5 miles from me) with all her stuff in it or in her garage --meanwhile, she is back to travelling the US —since March 2020, she has been travelling from one hot-spot to another training people on respirator use and maintenance. It’s been a tough year for her and all the folks in the medical field, and for all the world, really — haven’t seen her in awhile, but she’s planning a trip home soon.
Love having my house back !
Yes- ok so here is another time for you to learn to say “no” or even better don’t even respond to the person interrupting your space/mind.
Wishing you luck and peace. You seem to be such a nice person kind and giving, I really dislike hearing that you are being taken advantage of.
Gender doesn’t thing to do with this. Nice try tho🙄
@Foxglove
I suggest you pick up the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Or grab any basic buddhist book.
@TheJenners it would do you so good too. Also feel free to ignore me and my horseshit ideas, it’s obvious we don’t mesh. . 10-4
People will only take what you allow them to take.
I don’t have any new advice for you. I think the others are correct about establishing boundaries so that you can enjoy your leisure time and feel safe and concentrate when you are competing. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this person. I don’t know why I feel compelled to post except that my heart breaks and I need to express my thoughts. I have a 12 year old daughter that I’ve had evaluated but I’m told she is not on the spectrum. I’m not an expert but I would guess she is aspergers. She is smart academically but physically awkward (not an athletic bone in her body) and socially awkward. She doesn’t seem to pick up on social cues, talks incessantly and I have a hard time getting her to understand the importance of permitting others to speak or asking questions about others (and remembering the details). The teachers all lover her - but since she was a little girl she’s been challenging at home and I think “annoying” to her peers - I’m guessing -she never gets invited to anything and the other girls her age are very social. It breaks my momma’s heart when I read your account and I think… will that be her? Is that her now? Is that what the other kids think of her now?. I live in a rural area. I had to travel almost 2 hours just to get the testing and any kind of “treatment” would be equally difficult to acquire if I did have a diagnosis. I’ve discussed it most recently with her pediatrician. When I broke down in tears about what i am dealing with at home (her angry outbursts at home - never a problem at school, and my hurt over her social isolation). He referred back to her assessment (done by a specialist) and asked me if I had considered counseling- - he meant for me - boy was I angry. (Btw, yes, I’ve tried that) Anyway, I digress. I always thought she would mature and outgrow this. I read this thread and I had a lump in my throat. Is it likely that this beautiful, intelligent young girl who really has a heart of gold - may never develop social and executive functioning skills - that people will always cringe at her presence? To be clear - I didn’t post this to encourage you to “embrace” Deb. She would drive me crazy too! SMH -How do I keep my 12 year old from growing up to be Deb?
Therapy should teach your kid social awareness and social stories to have ways to act properly when she can tell things are not making sense.
It does get better with time and learning to cope.
Is a bit like being blind or deaf, missing one more sense, the one helping understand others with ease. Finding ways to compensate for it will be helpful.
Most people really try to get along and be their best, just not everyone is successful all the time or even most of the time.
I think the lady pestering the OP may or not have problems socialization, but that should not give her an excuse to take advantage as she seems to be doing.
Too bad the OP is going to be the one to put a stop to that behavior, for her own peace of mind.
Don’t worry about your kid, just keep providing help and support and guide toward’s independence when appropriate, you are doing fine by keep learning how to help her.
She is lucky she has you working on this, not all kids are that lucky.
@zap, is telehealth or Zoom an option for you/your daughter to get help re: her issues?
Yes, 2 hours to find help is far, but it isn’t insurmountable. But with many of the COVID adjustments being made and technology helping us connect, maybe this would be an option? It would also let you connect with experts anywhere in the country vs your rural region. I needed some medical counseling early this year and this is how I found the right expert to help me, without having to risk an in-person meeting or travel. And just because one specialist said “she’s fine”, doesn’t mean she was assessed adequately. People often seek second opinions for medical issues - with good reason. It’s only fair that mental health issues could use a review as well.
One more thing, YOU know your daughter more than anyone else. If you feel there is more amiss with your daughter - trust yourself!
You should get a second opinion. I haven’t done a lot of reading on this, but as a teacher I’ve filled out dozens of assessment forms for diagnosing ASD. It’s a checklist, and if the teachers perceive her as functioning well, that’s part of what the diagnosis is based on (though definitely not solely).
Some food for thought. I definitely struggled with social interactions as a child. I didn’t have any good examples of how they worked. My parents weren’t social and when they were they were pretty bad at it, so I didn’t know how to communicate with others. It was around middle school that I figured out to make friends and keep them. I’m also an introvert in general, so while I’m social, I definitely get overwhelmed by too much social interaction. It just tires me out. I have a time limit on how much intense social interaction I can do, and when I get home, I’m super tired. So it’s possible that your daughter is still figuring out social interactions, and that the outbursts are coming from being tired and overwhelmed socially. That might not be what’s going on at all, but I wanted to share my experience with you. I never had any angry outbursts as a kid, but my parents also didn’t interact with me very much. By the time I was in high school I had friends that called me their therapist because I was really good at listening and giving advice. So don’t give up hope. I turned out fine, which I know is what everyone says, but I legitimately get along well with most others, know how to conduct myself professionally, and understand social cues 100%. Sometimes I say the wrong thing, but I think everyone does that.
I think it never hurts to get a second medical opinion, but your daughter also doesn’t necessarily sound atypical to me for a pre-teen. Some of them just have a harder time fitting in and outbursts at home vs at school are common imo because a lot of people (particularly teens) take out the worst of their feelings on the people they feel the safest with.
Personally, I had quite a bit of trouble socializing in middle and high school. Not so much that I couldn’t make friends, and I definitely did especially in the horsey world, but I struggled with a lot of the other girls at school. It took me into adulthood to understand that the main reason why is that I’ve always fallen somewhere on the aromantic spectrum and therefore just fundamentally did not understand or care at all for the “will they won’t they” crush drama of pre-teens. It got a lot better in my late teens when everyone’s attention turned toward university admittance (a topic I understood).
It is possible to be kind and still take care of your own self.
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