WWYD: Client's farrier makes me uncomfortable

[babybritain]

Hey all! Long time member and lurker, but I rarely post. However I could really use some outside perspective for this. I’ll try to keep it short.

Some relevant background: I am a groom at a great barn and I love everyone I work with. During the summer, I stay and take care of the home base, while the rest of the team travels to shows. Most of the stalls are rented out for the summer by a rider (let’s call her Jane) who brings in her own grooms, vet, farrier etc. I presently have only a couple horses on full care, who are owned by a wonderful client that I get along great with.

So, Jane has this farrier who seemed harmless at first. I had a couple passing conversations with him and all was fine. Then one day he made a comment that he’d like to be in a hot tub with me. I was uncomfortable, but I’m terrible when put on the spot, so just kind of awkwardly laughed it off and continued going about my business.

The next day, we were chatting lightly while I was tacking up a horse and he was shoeing. I was not being overly talkative as I was still uncomfortable about the comment he made the previous day. We got on the topic of education, as I used to be an elementary teacher. He said, sort of out of the blue, that black people learn slower and aren’t as smart as white people. I was utterly shocked, but managed to say that I disagree, as I have taught many extremely intelligent children from all backgrounds. Then I told him, additionally, my husband is black and is the smartest man I know. His reply was (paraphrased): Well what part of Africa do his ancestors come from? Some are smarter than others.

I was so offended at this point, that I simply said I don’t agree and walked away. I have seen him since, but as I don’t have any need to interact with him, I just steer clear as best I can. However, I just found out my full care client uses this farrier, meaning I’ll be responsible for coordinating shoeing with this man. I don’t really know what to do.

On one hand, I know it’s part of my job (and many people’s jobs) to deal with people they don’t necessarily get along with. But on the other hand I’m really struggling with the fact that I will have to interact with this man again, as I am truly not comfortable around him. I get anxious just thinking about it.

What would you do? Should I suck it up and put on my best professional face? Do I say something? I don’t really know what I could even say or to whom.

Thanks for listening.

[Lunabear1988]

Oh wow. That’s just awful. I think I would let the client know about his behavior. You might tell her if things escalate or comments keep happening she’ll have to figure out how to deal with him herself. Just tell her he makes you very uncomfortable. Just because you are her groom doesn’t mean you should have to deal with a creep every 6 weeks or more.

[Ladylexie]

Distance yourself from him. If you speak to him just answer in yes and no or absolutely necessary conversation.

[Milobloom]

Im assuming since you are a groom you have a boss? If so tell them exactly what you told us you have the right to work without being harassed that farrier should either be banned from the property or the client should have to handle their own horse. If I was the client and found out my farrier/vet/etc was making comments like that I would (and have) fired them. Give either your boss or your client the chance to do right first

[lawndart]

While you should put on your professional face, HE should be more professional and quit making personal, political or racist comments. It is his job to shoe the horse correctly. Yours is to manage the barn. Make that clear to him first, if he refuses to comply, go higher. IMO people like him will only escalate things if not shut down quickly.

[hosspuller]

Yes… suck it up as you said. Just be professional and keep your actions to business. He can have his opinions, you don’t have to listen to them. Be minimalist, you don’t have to run shrieking unless he doesn’t stop at the line between business and harassment.

[Marla_100]

^^^^^^^^ hosspuller nailed it, imo.

[JanM]

I think he already crossed the line with the hot tub comment. I would tell whoever the boss is about his remarks, and tell them that he needs to either shut up around you, or they need another farrier, or the others can take care of farrier appointment and horse holding on their own. No one should have to put up with remarks like that.

[pluvinel]

OP, you must be young. I have come to the conclusion that women don’t step into their power until they are in their mid-40’s…so please take these comments as coming from an aging (aged) hippie feminist.

You can tell whomever…etc (especially if you think the owners would be upset with you)…but thru life it is up to you to set up rules for what is appropriate for people interacting with you.

This farrier’s comments are all about power and control. He is making you uncomfortable on purpose…ergo., he is exercising power. And as a result he is controlling you.

So…my suggestion is that you think of this farrier as a rammy stallion that is intruding into your personal space. You would not allow this. So similarly you must not allow this man to continue to bully you with his words.

When getting hit on (in my younger days) I have been known to tell a work colleague (in a corporate setting),…“If you have nothing nice to say about your wife, then please don’t talk to me.”

You can stay very professional, but you must not back away from a discussion…

This is the same as setting the rules, boundaries and limitations for polite behavior when dealing with a rude stallion.

You do the same with predatory men. Pretty soon they get the picture that you have set limits about allowed behaviors.

Just remember…It is the mare that tells the stallion when she is receptive.

You know that he will try again. Like with a stallion, you know they will test the handler…so be ready to shut down the behavior. Step into your power.

[babybritain]

Thank you all for your replies. It has definitely relieved some anxiety just getting it out and hearing different perspectives.

I was hesitant to tell my boss (who is not the owner of the horse) because I’ve only been at this job a few months and don’t want to rock the boat. But after hearing some replies I think it’s the correct next step.

Initially my plan was just to keep my distance, but now having found out he’s the client’s farrier that’s not really possible. I am the only groom here for the summer.

Personally, I also think he’s already crossed a professional line by making inappropriate comments and insulting my husband. To me that doesn’t qualify as simply having an opinion that I don’t agree with.

I don’t think I’m that young, but pluvinel I totally hear you. I have always been mild-mannered and have always had a tough time sticking up for myself. It is something that I absolutely need to work on.

[Toblersmom]

Make sure when you inform your boss that you do so in a saveable, retrievable manner (email?). If anything more serious comes of this you want to be able to document that you informed your employer.

[MsM]

My inclination would be to tell my boss in a FYI manner what has happened. Then be professional and distant with the jerk. Don’t engage in small talk with him. If he says something out of line, shut him down verbally (if you were a teacher, you know how to do that with a look alone! Well at least we middle school teachers could!)
If that doesn’t end the problem, you have shown that you have done your best to deal with it professionally and have better grounds to say that you cannot work with him.

(Good idea to have documentation that you reported his behavior)

[Milobloom]

Please let us know how this situation works out, I think to many of us have had similar situations and not spoken up about it. The more we all talk and the less acceptable this kind of behavior is the better for everyone

Also I hope you talked to your husband about it so you have someone in real life on your side!

[Highflyer]

As someone who has BTDT-- tell your boss politely and without drama that the farrier has made several inappropriate comments and makes you uncomfortable. If they tell you to ignore it, or grow up, or that it’s not a big deal, you’re no worse off than you are now, and you can start thinking about whether you need to find a different job. While it’s never a bad thing to stand up for yourself, it really shouldn’t be your responsibility to repeatedly have to tell another adult when they’ve crossed the line.

Also as someone who BTDT, now that I can do the hiring/ choosing, I find myself hiring female farriers because so many of the male ones have been inappropriate.

[Ladylexie]

@Highflyer

As someone who has BTDT-- tell your boss politely and without drama that the farrier has made several inappropriate comments and makes you uncomfortable. If they tell you to ignore it, or grow up, or that it’s not a big deal, you’re no worse off than you are now, and you can start thinking about whether you need to find a different job. While it’s never a bad thing to stand up for yourself, it really shouldn’t be your responsibility to repeatedly have to tell another adult when they’ve crossed the line.

Also as someone who BTDT, now that I can do the hiring/ choosing, I find myself hiring female farriers because so many of the male ones have been inappropriate.

What is BTDT?

[SinMiedo]

Been there, done that

[SnortyPants]

DO NOT just suck it up. What a terrible piece of advice for this day and age. Sucking it up is how women and girls are harassed and raped. Ann KURSINKSI, a hero of many here, suffered for years. How many of us need to be traumatized before we recognize “being professional” can be code for taking abuse?

He’s not your superior, and standing your ground against him shouldn’t have any negative ramifications unless your employer is a jerk, in which case why do you want to work for her? I also don’t think you need to involve her…just yet. Someone above said he’s trying to dominate you and I agree. This type of asshole will push everyone’s boundaries to see what he can do to amuse himself and feel big and important. If there is another comment, abd there will be, ask him if Jane is aware if his gross bigoted opinions and if he thinks she wants them around her team and other prospective clients.

Then HE can be the one who decides if he wants to be “professional”.

[SnortyPants]

Oh and another thought…what does your husband think? Black men in America know all about being told to suck it up to not harm a bigot’s pride or feefees.

[Scribbler]

Yes, these comments are as much about getting power over you as they are about expressing opinions. He’s trying to push your buttons. Even if he left out the sexual harassment and racist insults, he could make you uncomfortable in other ways.

Those kind of men often get very nasty if they can’t get a flirty reaction on their own terms. If they get a flirty reaction then they can get physically inappropriate. It’s a no win situation.

If you need to deal with him in future go forewarned with some ideas for shutting him down. It’s hard to do on the spur of the moment. Brainstorm maybe with your husband for some insight into the male mind. Your husband knows all about deflecting racism and he’s watched enough asshole men in action I’m sure to have some insight. All men have

Ideally we become women no one would dare say such things to. Perhaps that’s really something that happens after 40. It isn’t so much about looks per se but presence and confidence.

[Guyot]

Just WOW! What inappropriate behavior!

OP tell your boss; they should be the buffer between their employees and their service providers.

I would hope that they would not accept these types of comments in their barn.

The owner and your boss may have no idea and should be informed and hopefully take the correct steps to make everyone comfortable.

I will say that the hotub comment is enough that I would be farrier shopping if I was your boss! Just saying… so not cool!

The racist comment is just mind blowing… I have no words.