Okay that I get.
I just feel like asking questions in an effort to turn the tables won’t do much past encouraging further conversation which is generally not what the creeped-on person wants.
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So given my own life trajectory I assumed the whole question of harassment and assault was done and dusted in the 1980s and with workplace rules. Also I aged out of being a target.
So I was appalled in the oughts to hear about a whole generation of young women who had missed this entirely and went into passive shock when harassed because they didn’t want to attract attention. Even gropers on public transit. We’ve had a bit of a demographic shift here too and so I don’t know if that fact that all these young women in the news stories were Asian Canadian was just a reflection of demographics, who is 21 here now, or also that their home culture made them anxious about attracting attention or being assertive in public. A bit of both I think.
I was however appalled because there were some good efforts at setting boundaries and self preservation even with school age children in the ,1980s. But every generation goes through this all over again.
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Just want to add that I think the flies have been awfully bad this year. Or spiders. Wasps, even. Gotta carry a small can of spider spray in your pocket for when you need to clear the path in an emergency.
Get my spray drift? Spiders, bad, spray. Just in case. Hand sanitiser spray is also good (and pocket sized) for cleaning up bugs whilst you get yourself to a bathroom in the distance.
You may never, ever need to use it, but it will make you feel bolder and braver to have some sort of defensive option on your person.
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I’ve also gotten comments on my kicking ability…maybe it’s the horses 
I’ve never done kickboxing per se, but it’s similar in that you’re kicking and punching. Muay Thai is referred to as the art of 8 limbs; 2 hands, 2 legs (shins mostly), 2 knees and 2 elbows. My little knowledge of kickboxing is the McDojo model where it’s a person and a heavy bag at a Title Boxing type place or doing a video in your home. Muay Thai is primarily partner drills so learning to hold pads and take impact is just as important…actually probably more important, than learning the fighting techniques. Lots of extended combos and things like that as well. BJJ is the ground grappling.
I miss the classes! I stopped during Covid, got my horse and just don’t have the time for it 3 days a week now, which was my preference to really keep up with it. Membership wasn’t cheap either. I have a heavy bag at home though and pads that I sometime have my SO hold, but he’s not very familiar with it yet.
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Please don’t feel intimidated. This man is harassing you. It is barn owner/barn manager’s responsibility to address this with him, but if you should never feel obligated to let him shake your hand and drawing you into a hug is completely out of bounds and wrong. If you feel comfortable, you can certainly tell him to stop touching you, but it is something the BO, as his employer, needs to address. Always trust your gut and never feel that you can’t tell someone not to touch you.
I had a senior executive grab my arm in anger a few months ago, and I still wish I’d reported him for assault. His bad behavior has escalated since then.
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I’ve never done real kickboxing but a cardio kickboxing class my gym offered a couple years back is what ultimately led to me picking taekwondo back up (I did it briefly when I was 12-13ish and dropped it after I got to like, yellow belt).
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It is one heck of a workout!! If I sparred before class, I’d kill upwards of 800 calories in 90 mins. Even just shadow boxing or using the heavy bag really get the heart rate going.
I worked with someone advanced in taekwondo but am not too familiar with it. I love martial arts though, I wish my parents would have put me in something like that when I was younger.
Bringing it back to the OP a bit, these types of classes REALLY boosted my confidence and I feel like if I was approached or assaulted; I’d have a fighting chance. That handshake your creeper is doing could be disengaged easily knowing the right technique or turned into a real fast arm lock which would probably be the las time he tried something like that.
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This.
Maybe not, but it certainly gives women a few tools for dealing with them.
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My late father’s advice, essentially.
Don’t get into a fight if you can possibly avoid it, but if you do, FIGHT DIRTY.
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You are not over reacting but you are going to need to tell him flat out that he is making you extremely uncomfortable and that shaking hands and any other touching is no longer acceptable.
Sounds like he has a crush on you. At my first " real Job" I was 20 and we had a maintenance man( 40?) who kind of zero’d in on me. I was kind but let him know the boundaries at the first sign of anything.
You can make your point and be considerate of his feelings. Let the BO/ BM know what is happening as well.
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I agree with you.
If I told my father, brothers, my now husband or my 2 sons about something like this you can bet they would not only take my word but someone would be at the barn immediately if I needed them. This is what real men do.
Did I miss something where the OP has been more than hugged? Not every man is a rapist or abuser just because he thinks he may have a chance with someone who is younger and pretty and was nice to him.
As women we need to stand up and speak for ourselves, no matter what your upbringing was or you will continue to be taken advantage of.
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There were two things making me nervous about talking to the BO:
- She could be dismissive (I don’t expect this to be the case though).
- She takes me seriously but said worker retaliates if he finds out I reported him.
That’s what was making me nervous. But after reading the responses here I understand that it is a necessary risk I have to take.
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Unfortunately for me I grew up going to a very conservative catholic school where girls were not taught to stick up for themselves. We were told to cover up and were blamed for “distracting” the boys. When the boys harassed us the teachers would just say “boys will be boys” and there were no consequences. If a girl did snap at a boy, she would always get in trouble. Now I am an adult and trying my best to dismantle this mindset. It was drilled into my brain so much as a child though that my instinct is still just to freeze up. I don’t know that this experience is the most common among my generation but that is what happened in my case.
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Well you are out of school. Time to unlearn what you have been told.
Talk to the barn management. This may be the first time he pulled this but , on the other hand, it may be just another in a chain. If it is the first, you have started the foundation if it is ongoing, the management should be on alert
You MUST learn what it is to be a woman and navigate this world. Your action is a link in a chain of ending abuses in this society.
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Oh that’s awful. Totally unrealistic for the modern world. Have you looked into any support groups or discussion coming out of the #metoo movement or other online stuff? Could be really useful even getting some counselling about how cultural and personal and psychological forces connect.
Blaming women for men’s predatory behavior is so disgusting. Predatory men go for women who look defenseless and the more guilty you feel about being the target of such attention the more defenseless you become. It’s a toxic spiral.
Creeps have a sixth sense for women that are afraid to stand up for themselves and they zero in on you. Nothing to do with how you dress or even within a range of normal, how you look.
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You’ve gotten some excellent advice here already.
From my perspective, once he hugged you–after multiple episodes of “just” shaking hands–he crossed a serious line. Hand-shaking might potentially be just about shaking hands (although I’d ask was he shaking hands with everyone? or just with you?–red flag right there), but hugging is a big No!
Tell the BO and be assertive when you tell the BO. Don’t let the BO gaslight you into thinking that somehow you’re misconstruing things or misreading cultural differences. No. And be clear about what you’d like the BO to do. And be prepared to move your horse if the BO won’t do it.
It might be a great idea to take a martial art class as well. Not because you need to be able to fight your way out of a situation (although that would be an added bonus), but because that training tends to make you more willing to be assertive.
If necessary, practice what you’re going to say to the BO a few times before you approach them, and think about the possible responses they’ll give and how you’ll react.
Good luck.
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What really set off the red flag was when he would shake my hand but then continue to hold onto my hand and ask me questions or mumble something under his breath. I have no idea if he does that with other people or not. He only does so to me when there is no one around. I do fear that he could be approaching other girls in the barn when they are alone too. I just haven’t seen it. He certainly doesn’t go up to everyone to shake hands when there are several people in the barn.
I am really considering it! I definitely need to boost my confidence and those skills could be life saving.
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Will do. I am actually making a document today listing out every unusual incident. There were actually a few other small things that I didn’t mention in my original post for the sake of brevity but when I put it all together on paper it really does show a pattern of grooming. I am going to speak to both BO and my trainer in person then follow up with said document in case I am not clear enough when speaking about it.
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I totally understand the destructive message communicated by your Catholic school–it makes me rage-y when I see how it’s more and more common for girls to get sent home from school for wearing so-called revealing outfits, rather than underlining it’s not okay for boys to assault women.
Even if your BO is dismissive because she doesn’t feel like finding new help, that doesn’t mitigate the risk and the fact this shouldn’t be happening to you. You might not be the first person to complain. Test her reaction, then move from there.
Absolutely do not engage with this man more by asking questions. He may just be a creepy guy looking to fulfill his jollies. But–not to scare you further–men can fantasize about women just because women act with normal human courtesy to them. Don’t even be creative in rejecting him. Be abrupt, direct, and do nothing that could be interpreted as flirting and meaning yes when you say no in some sick imagination.
I agree about not being alone with him if at all possible, ever.
I might consider talking about him with trusted friends at the barn, to see if he’s doing it to other women when they are alone.
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