No, no and no. Why should she be considerate of his feelings? He is far out of line. We don’t have to be nice when it’s clearly not warranted.
Rebecca
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It’s not too late. People sometimes report things years after it happened. It still adds to the record to help management see a pattern and make a decision. Whatever else he is doing, they find out it’s not a one-off.
I strongly urge you to make as complete a report as you can, even now. I hope you will make it a priority. Management can’t act on what they don’t know about and don’t have documentation to support.
The very few times I did not report something, I came to regret it later.
Not reporting reinforces that there are no consequences for someone’s own behavior. Not reporting encourages them to do it again. Some of the worst bad actors got that far because nothing happened as a result of their earlier bad behavior.
Good luck, I think you’ll feel better if you do make the report.
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I was brought up to be a doormat. “Nice southern ladies are not rude and do not draw attention to themselves.” This works well if every man you meet is a gentleman. Thank God for the ones that are, but you need a different strategy for the ones who aren’t.
My daughter and I had a scary incident while out shopping several years ago. It was a wake up call, and I have since learned how to use a self defense weapon and carry one always. My husband, who is a martial artist, has also been teaching me some self defense techniques. When he practices with me, he uses language that an attacker would use so that I get used to responding to the emotional/psychological aspects of an attack. It’s not fun, but I have found my mental confidence growing, and I no longer carry myself like a victim. Some of these videos are also helpful: https://www.youtube.com/@theKravMagaTraining I especially liked the ones demonstrating how women can get out of chokeholds and bearhugs. The videos are in Italian, but the subtitles are clear and helpful.
My daughter is probably about your age, and I will tell you exactly what I tell her. Never intentionally place yourself in a position where you can be taken advantage of. If you know when the barn is busy, go then and only then. If you arrive and for some reason, no one else is there, leave. No ride is worth that sort of cost.
Go with your gut. God gave you the ability to feel rational fear for a reason. If someone else feels you’re overreacting, that doesn’t mean you are. Better to be more careful than less.
Alright, soapbox put away. Thank you for listening to all of us. We’re rooting for you!
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That is a very fair concern. It would bother me as well.
Yes, it’s important to go forward with this. The BM may or may not make it a comfortable discussion, but I hope that you do find it empowering. Remember: You matter, your feelings matter, your comfort and safety around other people is important. That is more important than any waffling by the BM or anyone else. You are the priority here, not their squeamishness (if that happens).
But – No, you do not have to put yourself at risk. You are not at the mercy of what others decide to do or not do. Talk with the BM and/or trainer about your retaliation concern as well.
If the conversation is productive and winding down, bring up retaliation. Ask the BM to help you be safe and free of retaliation. She must personally supervise this guy while you are in the barn (if he stays). Or she can assign some other trustworthy staff to stay in sight of you at all times. This is the BM’s responsibility for the environment in her barn for her clients and customers. This is part of her job.
If she would fix a broken water pipe or any other unsafe condition, this creep is absolutely a hazard that is even greater than that. If she chooses to keep a known creep on her staff then she has to take responsibility for his actions.
If the conversation with the BM and/or trainer is dismissive and minimizing, explain that this is serious enough to you that you will have to make some changes in your barn activity to avoid being alone with this guy. Change your time, or stay away, or, if necessary, move barns.
Be very, very clear that this is the level of importance that unwanted touching is to you. Unwanted touching is not ok. He is escalating. Keep repeating that.
Repeating things helps emphasize their importance, helps people remember them as a takeaway from the conversation.
And in all honesty, to me it reinforces that this man needs to be walked off the property for good. She can give him a little severance pay if she wishes. But he did this to himself and he is no one else’s problem.
You can even explain that you were so taken by surprise and unprepared, plus that he escalated gradually, that you yourself tried to minimize it and tried to smile it away and brush it off. But again, emphasize escalating behavior as well as unwanted touching caused you to realize that this is uncomfortable, unsafe and it has to stop now.
Not ‘risking it’ …
If you need to stay away from the barn until the BM sorts this guy out, stay away. Do not put yourself at risk of more touching, or of retaliation. And make sure that everyone knows why - the BM, your barn friends, other boarders, etc.
Everyone knowing is one of your best safety strategies, at the barn and away from it.
Everyone can help look out for you. Everyone can help you feel safer. When it comes to predatory behavior there is greater safety in numbers. Especially since he seems to target you when no one else is around (which I find terrifying).
You said this man’s behavior only happens when others aren’t around – so they may not know and if not, they need a full description. You can tell them that you weren’t sure how to react for some time but, as he’s escalated, have now realized what you need to do to stop the unwanted touching.
I am certain you will get a lot of support. And you may find out that you aren’t the only one.
And not for nothing, if you have to avoid the barn for a time, that will make the point to the BM that she may be losing a paying boarder if she doesn’t address this. If it is necessary to make that point – hopefully she gets it the first time and does the right thing.
This matters, you are doing the right thing, no matter how anyone else reacts. Whatever the outcome you have a bunch of strong women in this thread walking with you. Good luck! 
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Every girl needs a southern lady mom like you! 
At the same time … this self-protection strategy is wise, and it also emphasizes that the woman takes the brunt of the losses in these situations. Her life is disarranged, re-scheduled, maybe totally up-ended. She has to accommodate. She has to worry and look over her shoulder. And as a result maybe she misses opportunities and her life ends up going in a different, less well, direction (have seen this so many times). When authorities and/or guardians refuse or fail to act against the man, this is the damage that is done – to her, not him.
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I do martial arts for fun so I can’t help you a lot here but read-read-READ up on different ones to find the right fit for you.
From what I understand, just, again from reading up on martial arts generally, most martial artists see the more boxing-esque or grappling oriented arts as more practical for self-defense than the flashier stuff with the cool looking kicks. That’s my two cents worth and I’m absolutely not an expert here, YMMV.
This.
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Thank you very much! 
I wish I’d learned these lessons decades ago.
You’re right, it isn’t fair that the woman, in this case, has to be watchful and potentially change her schedule or behavior. And yes, it could also mean the loss of opportunities. However, it might also mean that new opportunities open up, or more people can enjoy a safer barn experience, and what one person may have meant for ill, can be turned into something positive. That’s my hope and prayer for the OP.
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Uh. No. You don’t need to let people down gently when they’re being creeps and scaring you.
And no, you haven’t missed anything but the hug was 100% unexpected and non-consensual per OP’s postings.
And like…the onus of not acting on a crush, in this case, should absolutely be on the older person. And assuming by young that OP means she is 18-23ish (just guessing here and I could be wrong) and this dude is in his 50s, it’s non-consensual and a kind of gross age difference by most modern societal standards. He is absolutely old enough to know better and old enough that even if it IS somehow an innocent crush, which seems really unlikely, to Not. Act. On. It.
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If it’s any encouragement, my barn once had a worker say something creepy to a teen there, she mentioned it to the barn manager, and he was told to leave immediately. So while plenty of people are dismissive, plenty are not and will take it seriously. And if you learn your barn isn’t one that does, now you know and can go elsewhere instead of having to live with worry about what might happen.
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You are not to blame for this. He is the problem, not you. Comments from everyone here are well meaning and to help keep you safe but no one is blaming you or expecting you to take responsibility for his behavior. Just bring what you learned about handling horses and dogs and your personal space to any interaction with people, men especially. We are extra careful with stallions, right? Almost all men are stallions. Most are very trustworthy. A few are poorly trained mishandled and perhaps it is just in their nature to be more aggressive/alpha. You be boss mare. Put them in their place. Keep it short and clear and avoid being alone with them just as you would a dangerous stallion.
It’s not you . You have done nothing wrong. He is violating your space, touching you without invitation, and escalating his behavior. Just give a firm NO!
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Just remember NO is a complete sentence and does not require you to explain why you are saying NO. And never apologize for that firm NO. It is understood in many cultures to mean NO.
And for heavens sake don’t start your convo with the BO with “Sorry to bring this up…”
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I think many just simply have NO IDEA how often the women in their lives experience harassment. I’m 5’9 and confident, I’ve taken self-defense and Tae Kwon Do courses but you know what? I still get sexually harassed.
This thread has really made me take inventory of all the instances in my life where I have been harassed/touched and I did nothing. Some of it was verbal - like a boss at a job I had in high school was giving us assignments, everyone and I was told there to “stand there and look pretty” with a wink. But most of them are instances of physical groping. The most recent was about a year ago at a busy gas station stop mid-day while on a road trip. I was waiting in line to pay for snacks and I felt someone grab my butt. I assumed it was my husband being cheeky since he was also in the gas station using the rest room. I turn around its not Mr. BatCoach - its a creepy guy looking up at the ceiling like nothing happened.
Its sad, but I kind of froze. I was so road weary and frankly shocked that I just paid for my snacks and went to the car. Its like my wits just escaped me. And these are just 2 instances of about 8 that I can think of. I think a big part of why women freeze when we are violated is this:
Its all part of rape culture. It s the fact that defending yourself and making a scene, having to prove your story to police and interrupt your whole day and deal with embarrassment and scrutiny all goes on the victim’s shoulders. The spotlight goes on the victim rather than highlighting the creep’s horrible actions. Attitudes like saying boys will be boys and defending a phrase like “grab her by the pussy” is just innocent “locker room talk” is gross and infuriating.
@sapphiremoon you are doing the right thing. Its hard to fight against conditioning and you are being brave. You have lots of support here.
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You could start with saying “you know what, since COVID, I’m a bit of a germaphobe and I really don’t like shaking hands anymore.” 
I can understand how difficult it is setting a boundary, but it’s an important skill to learn. Definitely talk to BO/BM about how this man’s inappropriate behaviour has progressed, and don’t let yourself make it long and involved. Be clear and concise about his behaviour, the progression and how it makes you feel. It’s quite possible he is doing the same thing to other boarders. Do you have a barn chat group?
If this man approaches you again, a raised hand and a clear NO is very hard to misinterpret in any culture! Do not engage in conversation, don’t try to be nice, don’t be apologetic . Head high, shoulders back and NO! Maybe practise in the mirror or with a friend?
I hope we aren’t overwhelming you with advice!
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That would be engaging with this man. A clear “NO” is what is needed now, no explanation or apology necessary.
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I hear you. I do not work for this organization but work for an affiliated company. When this happened I had a long talk with the attorney at the company I consult for. His opinion – and mine – was that it would hurt my clients’ business (sad but true). Instead, I reported it to the president of his organization (he is the CEO) and to several other high ranking women (he has a problem with women). She has had similar issues and reported him to the board where there were disciplinary hearings about this and other infractions. I also resolved to never be in his presence again with witnesses. Could I have done more? Probably. I am at his conferences twice a year and with any luck, his contract will not be renewed.
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Yeah. His opinion.
From the other side, I will tell you that when people don’t report, the management of the harasser can do nothing. And that puts other people at risk since these people so rarely stop on their own.
It is never easy and there can be negative fallout. That happens with the reporting of more conventional crimes as well. From theft to embezzlement. Workplace harassment is just as serious as those issues.
I don’t blame you for your decision.
But it is decisions along these lines that allowed so many years of damage from the Harvey Weinsteins, Roger Ailes and (now we know) Les Moonves of the world. Women assaulted - all three of these men were quite physical - and women’s careers destroyed, and so on and so forth.
Just some thoughts.
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Lots of great advice on this thread and it sounds like you are going to bring it up with the barn. Just wanted to add some encouragement.
I was at a barn with a worker who was a super nice, friendly guy. He did a great job, was reliable, good with the horses. I often chatted with him in a friendly manner. He often talked about his wife and kid. Never got any weird vibes from him whatsoever.
Then one day out of nowhere, he was gone. Turns out he had made one of the young boarders uncomfortable, she told the BO and that was it. Many of us were surprised as it seemed so out of character, and BO was not happy about losing a good worker (they are hard to find!) but they took the situation very seriously.
I hope you are met with the same support. But even if you are not, know that none of it is your fault.
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I’m a 2nd degree black belt in Tang Soo Do, and we were taught the same thing: First try and get away. But if you can’t get away, fight until your attacker is completely incapacitated. Don’t stop just because they go down: make sure they can’t get back up.
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