Barn Staff Making Me Uncomfortable - Seeking Advice

[OverandOnward]

@rulex

Then one day out of nowhere, he was gone. Turns out he had made one of the young boarders uncomfortable, she told the BO and that was it. Many of us were surprised as it seemed so out of character, and BO was not happy about losing a good worker (they are hard to find!) but they took the situation very seriously.

I’m guessing that whatever it was that made a young person uncomfortable, it was fairly serious. Not ok to just say “don’t do it again” and keep an eye on him. And, being a nice person is part of a predator’s grooming.

Two years ago someone I work with called to say “Did you see the news about our colleague X?” This man in his mid-30’s had been arrested and taken back to the state he had moved here from. For the sexual assault of multiple children under the age of 14.

Looking back, I’m thinking the reason he had been here for about 3 years was to be away from there. It was taking time for LE to put together the complex case.

This man had a high profile of being one of the nicest in town. He was active in a couple of charities and helped launch new business ventures that created jobs. In person he was a kind, courteous, well-spoken man. He had a wife and a couple of kids.

A friend said that probably all of this was him building his profile to gain trust and give him access to children. In hindsight, it can look that way, although of course I don’t know.

He also just disappeared. Most of the people he had been working with never heard from him again. I should probably try to figure out whatever happened to him just out of curiosity. Glad he didn’t come back.

[Spartacus]

He is NOT being friendly. He is being aggressive, invading her personal space, and touching her body without her consent. This is not a cultural thing, it’s a dominance thing that could quickly go south the next time she is alone at the barn.

OP, please immediately tell one of the trusted adults at the barn, and ask them to go with you to talk with the BO if you need to. Also, if you would like help rehearsing how to (a) make the appointment to talk with the BO and (b) what you will say, and how you might respond to any questions they have, please pm me or any of the people on this thread. We are here to help you. You should not ever feel uncomfortable at the barn, and this man is preying on you.

[Spartacus]

BINGO. As a sort of offshoot example/reference, there’s a great video out there of Jerry Seinfeld being approached by another celebrity who wants to hug him. He is immediately direct and resistant, and physically steps back while he says “NO THANKS” while holding his arm out. He has to repeat this several times, looking her straight in the face. She walks away.

[QM2]

She’s been engaging him by shaking his hand repeatedly. Just saying NO as he walks up is going to escalate an already weird situation.

[endlessclimb]

She’s been doing that because he approaches and makes things weird to start with. She was trying to be nice the first time, and he took it and ran.

Ripping the bandaid off and getting back to ground ZERO on touching-is-not-ok-with-me is 100% the correct move.

Especially since he’s really taken it and ran, escalating to a lingering hand shake, to a hug, to a …

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

Shaking someone’s hand is weird in a barn context, full stop.

I didn’t even realize until I read this thread how often men who later came onto me in inappropriate contexts (like the supermarket) often shook my hand first, introducing themselves. I think because it’s technically an impersonal greeting (like you shake hands with a stranger during a job interview), but it’s physical.

mental note from now on to not shake hands with strangers, unless it’s after an interview or a clearly socially acceptable situation

[anon15718925]

As I said, the last time I can remember shaking hands with anyone who was a stranger was in a job interview situation and that was pre-pandemic.

[luvmyhackney]

I was raised as a good Southern lady but my Grandma’s advice was to always have the strength to swing a cast iron pan and it didn’t hurt to have a simmering pot on the stove in case a man bothered you at home, and keep the purse heavy and zipped. One good whack was enough for you to get away.

Glad I’ve only had to use the purse technique once.

[Luseride]

Listen to your instincts. This is not acceptable behavior from him. Don’t shake his hand anymore, you can always use the COVID excuse. I would also let the barn owner know what has occurred. This is a time to draw a line and stick with it.

[FjordBCRF]

@QM2

She’s been engaging him by shaking his hand repeatedly. Just saying NO as he walks up is going to escalate an already weird situation.

She is NOT shaking his hand…he is shaking HERS which is the whole issue here.

Saying no will in all likelihood rattle the guy and maybe make him think twice about whether he wants to keep his job vs escalating into something more. This is different than walking up to someone on the street and being a creep.

NO needs to be made loud and clear and not tiptoeing around it because of xyz possibly…if she doesn’t say no that handshake which already turned into a hug, it is GOING to to turn into something past a hug. Yeesh.

[Arlomine]

Barn owner and manager here. I’ve also dealt with many unwanted flirtations/culturally confusing predatory actions for decades. This guy is exploring how far you will let him go.

• In his world, the lack of a clear “NO” equates a clearer “YES” and a green light to try the next step.*

This is actually a fantastic learning opportunity for you. I know it’s uncomfortable, but you get to practice boundaries, and that is not a bad thing.

Your first step is to speak to the owner/barn manager. Be specific, do not apologize, just state the facts. Ask them to take care of the matter, that you don’t want this man to interact with you in anyway, and ask them to update you within two days of their intentions. Chances are they’ll just fire the guy immediately. Problem solved.
If they attempt to transfer blame to you for being unclear, move.
If they don’t fire him Immediately, consider moving.
If they come up with the plan where he stays employed, be specific in your requirements. For instance you might require that he not speak to you and that he stays 20 feet away from you. If they don’t agree to this, move.

In the meantime, if you see him:
He sticks his hand out, you cross your arms, and you say “I don’t want you to touch me ever again”. Then you turn on your heel and you walk away. This will probably surprise him enough that he won’t engage you. Make sure you say it loudly and firmly. Do not engage in further conversation. Do not try to explain yourself and absolutely don’t apologize for not being more clear in the beginning.

This is a very important step forward in your ability to take care of yourself in your life. All women are presented with situations like this, and it really is possible to become more comfortable with presenting clear boundaries. It just takes practice, like anything else. I promise you that you can become more comfortable as time goes on, and it will actually to make you feel good to be able to be that clear when you run into situations in the future. It will happen again. It comes with the territory.

[seriously1]

Lots of great advice here. Lots of people metaphorically have your back.
If you are having trouble verbalizing, show your parents and the BO this thread.
Taking a martial arts course will also help you recover from this awful experience, carry yourself and as a side benefit will help your riding, too.
You can do this.

[Obsidian_Fire]

OP, please continue to update us. We are here to support you in any way we can.

A barn I used to work at, we had a similar incident. It was reported to the BO, who brushed it off, it was the BO’s husband who blew a cork - at his wife the BO no less - and then fired the guy on the spot. Husband was more clued in than most men tho, as he was head of an ER dept in a large city, so he saw firsthand what happens when men go too far…

ETA: practice at home, alone, in a mirror, saying NO as loudly as you can. It will be weird at first, that’s the point, practice saying NO until it feels normal and natural. Visualize the situation in your head, and you shutting it down.

[Arlomine]

She doesn’t need to use an excuse. That plays into the whole victim mode. She just needs to learn to say no. No excuses. Clear boundaries.

[fledermaus]

Big NO. That’s accommodating him by white-lying. The time for that is long past.

[FjordBCRF]

Try practicing this on a friend and looking up more on YouTube too.

The first tactic on this one is dont shake the hand and say no

Handshake Defense - Don't Fall For This!

[LCDR]

In the movies the OP would find a martial arts master, there would be a few scenes of training, and in a following scene she’d go back to the barn and whip Mr. Touchie’s butt. I see advice here which if followed would lead down the path to physical violence. I am curious if anyone posting has actually followed this script in their real life situation?

[FjordBCRF]

I have not been in the situation where I have had to but I absolutely would. Disengaging a handshake is hardly violence, it’s self defense. VERY DIFFERENT. Most men in particular, are taken aback if a woman does something like that because it’s literally the last thing they expect.

If I can find it I will share it, but there was a great complication of videos where a man tried to steal a woman’s purse and the women all fought back. The men ran away like big babies.

[FjordBCRF]

To be clear here; my approach would be this for OP. Obviously, she’s not trained in any kind of fighting/self defense so there is a limit to what she can effectively do. AND even if she was, that is not the route you go unless you absolutely have to.

1. Worker is being physical with me and I’m uncomfortable
2. Tell worker not to touch me and tell BO ASAP

If worker does it again after you have clearly said NO:

3. Physically disengage handshake myself and run to car/BO home or someplace like that and call the police then call the BO.

Since OP is planning to address this with BO, I would recommend OP stays away from the barn by herself until then.

OP, always keep your phone and keys on you too. If he pulls you in for a hug, a knee to the nuts is quite effective as well.

[AMackechnie]

@Arlomine

She doesn’t need to use an excuse. That plays into the whole victim mode. She just needs to learn to say no. No excuses. Clear boundaries.

This is very important. There is no need for the OP to come up with any excuse as to why she doesn’t want contact with this man.