Dear Pocket Trainer:

[NinaL_aka_Chrissy]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

While I appreciate your services to the unwashed masses are you not concerned about an investigation regarding monopolistic practices?

After all, B. Gate$ brought computing to the unwashed ma$$e$ (you only have to look at these boards to realize how far the IT industry has fallen) and was thanked by a big law$uit and the revelation of some rather embara$$sing email$.

Or, are you careful not too bundle too much together?

Also, any plans to release a version of Pocket Trainer that may be installed as an add on to my PDA?

Signed,

Yours in Techdom

[creseida]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I am the owner of a Chestnut Mare Extraordinaire. Of course this means my horse thinks she knows everything, even when she doesn’t. The result of this is I actually have to know how to ride my horse and tell her she’s wrong. Being a chestnut mare, she rarely listens, insisting Her Way is the Best Way. Suggestions?

~Signed
Better Red than Dead

~<>~ COTHBB Leather Care Guru~<>~
~Member of the Horse Vans Rock clique~

“Onomatopoeia…isn’t that in Hawai’i?”–Colin Deschamps

[Portia]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

I am among those who have always liked and admired Beezer and Merry. However, this disressing news that not only has Beezer bought a horse off of the internet without the assistance of a professional and payment of an appropriate range of commissions, but now Merry is riding said domestic and not imported horse western distresses me immensely.

What can be done to set the sisters back on the path of rightiousness?

Signed – Hesitant to Be Seen Talking To Them

[khobstetter]

HeyYouNags…

I just read your post and I can relate and I may have the answer (not the solution) to your problem…

I bet you were sent, by error, the Pocket Trainer Pocket Pool product. I have been having problems with the Pocket Trainer Pocket Man Mister, Ultra Superior Model, product and those problems seem to be far worse since he received the Pocket Trainer Pocket Pool product.

Had I known he ordered it I would have interevned and stopped the shipment IMMEDIATELY but it arrived on Saturday morning along with the Pocket Trainer Pocket Princess, Pink Tata Model, while I was at the barn working away.

The behavior you are describing is the same behavior my Pocket Man Mister has been displaying repeatedly the past few days…I do however believe they sent him the Delux version as his lower back has been extremely “relaxed” of late AND I can’t seem to wipe the smile off his little face.

Hopefully we will hear from THE Pocket Trainer representative quickly so we can do whatever necessary to eliminate the problem…HOWEVER I am not sure how I will deal with Pocket Man Mister when his “toys” are returned for a refund!!!

http://www.foxpointefarm.com
http://www.go-sho.org

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Batteries Not Included!

We begged you to purchase the Pocket Trainer Recharger ($195) when you upgraded to the more memory sensitive Ego Stroke Mode ($995), now didn’t we? Although we acknowledge that you are indeed without fault in this matter as the programming requires this, it was pointed out to you prior to the activation of the ego stroking that this might occur, now wasn’t it?

Nonetheless, this does not mean you should ever give up your whine with your wine. That is simply unthinkable! Pocket Trainer shall send you an emergency battery (fully charged) along with your Pocket Trainer Battery Charger. In the meantime, after you are done with your Penfolds we recommend a 1993 Lindemans Coonawarra Pyrus Meritage, so as to keep in the Aussie spirit. We also recommend watching anything with Mel Gibson or Russell Crowe while enjoying all things down under.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[buryinghill1]

Dearest Pocket Trainer,

I was hoping to be wearing my industrial strength Pocket Trainer COTH-proof Tailored Sportmans with the Depends insert before I read your latest post.
Alas, it is too late.

The Horse Show Announcers union needs to take a serious look at their members.

Your slave forever - with wet breeches,
BH1

[Portia]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I’ve seen you giving your valuable advice on the Hunter/Jumper board. I wonder if you might be in a position to provide your insights, and your patented Pocket Trainer line of products, to those outside the hunter ring? For the proper fee, of course.

In particular, I have a grey horse and need advice on how to keep her clean, without getting myself dirty, of course.

Signed,

Hoping for Help in Houston

"Put simply, the necessary ammunition wasn't there - and no balls means no awards."
[I]Robert Hamilton, president of the Clydesdale Horse Society of Scotland, quoted in Ananova, Sept. 29, 2003[/I]

[DoubleTwistedWire]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I have something of a dilemma you may be able to help me fix. I have two horses, one a grey, the other a bay. I am unsure which type of wine I should be drinking to color coordinate best with my mounts! As a result, I have resorted to martinis, which are starting to effect my ability to see Pocket Groom when he brings my mount to me at the ingate.

Please advise!

One Martini Too Many

[EventerAJ]

Dear Pocket Trainer,
After reading a topic on the dressage forum (especially one of your dearest clients, nwhr) I wondered how you dealt with the sunburn associated with your EgoStroke model (nwhr explained that blowing sunshine up your posterior assisted in perfecting 2-point position). Do you recommend SPF 30 or SPF 45??

Signed,
UltraViolet
It’s ALOE 'bout ME, ME, ME!!

[This message was edited by EventerAJ on Oct. 22, 2003 at 10:11 PM.]

[Beezer]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

I am a fan of Two Buck Chuck. I am gratified to learn that you, too, have discovered its delights. I find that the sauvignon blanc, served well chilled, offers a pleasant end to a day spent alongside a dusty show ring.

However comma my snooty friends think it is beneath them. Is there a way that I can disguise the labels? Can I put it in decanters? Doing so would make me feel a bit like I did when I put one of those fancy brands on my quarter horse’s butt, but hey, whatever scores me points with the judges, you know!

Signed, A Fan of Chuck’s but Wishing He Were Charles

***** Currently assigned to the mouth-gaping, lip-flapping, head-twisting, wood-chewing, boot-shredding phase of baby greenie ownership! *****

[Blinky]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I am having a problem getting a lead change from the left to the right. Time is of the essence as I must win at all the next shows. Is there a chant or spell I can put on my horse so he does them automatically while I ride around looking pretty? Or maybe a note card from the Pocket line I can carry on course with me that reminds me on how to ask for the change???

Thanks,
Also in Houston

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Clueless with a Screwdriver!

Some time ago (shortly after you signed over all financial management and power of attorney to us), we took the liberty of rerouting your mail, UPS and fedX to our home office so we could properly manage all those trust fund checks mailed to you. As part of this service, we have successfuly diverted no less than 23 offers for cheap knockoffs and 3 actual demo models!

Pocket Trainer recommends another screw driver (or three) to celebrate how simple your life has become!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Jambalaya]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

I am still horrified. This recent display of gaucheness by interlopers with plastics, Walmart, and domestic beer has made me newly appreciate the heavy clientele screening efforts my BNT makes to keep these kinds at bay. As a matter of fact, your suggestion for a Rolex gift was perfect, as hopefully any of these uncouths would see a Rolex flashing from my BNT’s wrist and immediately realize they are not worthy of boarding their sub-$150K, plastic-stinking nags at our facility!

Which of my prescription drugs would go best with the 1993 Chateau Souverain Cabernet you recommended? I have a splitting headache brought on by this banality, and fear I shall miss my manicure appointment if it does not resolve soon.

Disgustingly Yours,

Tainted with Triteness

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Hopeful Oldenburg Owner!

Pocket Trainer would most assuredly not offer any kind of negotiation device, as this would require “thinking” on the part of Pocket Trainer clients. This is a practice we do not condone!

However, Pocket Trainer understands the pain of unreasoned debate, as the topic of the Hack Trot: Daisy Cutter or Toe Flip has consumed many a client in the search of the ultimate hack winner. Pocket Trainer has always advised clients to enjoy a little wine when these unreasonable moments happen. We especially recommend a 1995 Laetitia La Colline Pinot Blanc.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Jambalaya]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

Thank you for re-educating me about the abuse settings on my Pocket Trainer. Also, thank you for assisting Precious Posere (or “Posie”), my darling teenager who couldn’t quite get her message across to us about WEF. Because we rarely communicate directly, my therapist contacted Posie’s therapists, and the entire situation was worked out for an additional 75 minutes of therapy time billed at $455 per hour, plus all the Pocket Trainer upgrades you recommended. I am horrified that Posie thought she was forbidden from taking her two junior hunters (one small, one large), her two equitation horses (one for the USETs and 3’6" medals, the other for 3’ equitation classes and flat) and her former grand prix jumper that she will show in the Low Juniors (flown just last month from the Gerbervurband in Germany).

However, we have a question. Seeing that colored braids and beads were all the rage last year, one cannot be too prepared by planning for this coming season’s braids. Our braider (who puts exactly 62 braids into every mane, I’m told) may need a decision on colors, and this is our dilemma: my daughter’s hunt coat colors are pale blue, smoke blue, grey blue, off-tan, medium blue tan, and pale medium off-blue charcoal (we don’t want to spoil her, so the therapists recommend limiting her to just six coats per show). However, when our BNT schools my daughter’s horses before every class, he wears his custom chaps, whose colors are bordeaux, ecru and a sass of oceanic blue in the needlepoint name stitched across the back. We are concerned that any color choice in braids/beads will clash with BNT’s chaps colors.

I know that normally all decisions are left up to BNT and Pocket Trainer, but because this relates to fashion and a topic near and dear to Posie’s heart, we don’t think it is too common and vulgar to become involved in this portion of the horses’ care.

We plan on posting several polls and topics on this issue in the Hunter/Jumper forum, but desperately need the Pocket Trainer opinion as the final answer after we deliberate and debate this question endlessly.

Signed,

Never too early

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear UltraViolet!

The “Old” Pocket Trainer would have simply reminded you that one was simply not seen with an appropriate amount of color at any time of the year, and everyone knows that an “all over” tan is the best kind of tan.

Pocket Trainer has come to accept that we are now showing in our later years, and while that tan looks lovely on someone in the younger A/Os, it is a bit disturbing in the older A/Os, never mind the “Old Leatherface” over 51 A/A division at WEF. So Pocket Trainer recommends whatever sunblock your dermatologist recommends. We believe in letting trained professionals handle this sort of job.

However, we recognize that applying the sunblock to be a bit of a task for some of our members, therefore we offer the Sunblock Application upgrade ($295) to Pocket Junior ($495 installation, $99.95 monthly subscription plus tips!) so that you may effectively get your sunblock in those hard to reach places…

As always, Pocket Trainer prefers a 1994 Erath Weber Vineyard Reserve Pinot Noir when receiving her sunshine, wherever it may be blown…

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Portia]

Pocket Trainer has asked me to inform you that sadly, they at Pocket Trainer will not be available for a few days due to unexpected demands from certain exceedingly good ($$$$$$$) clients who are:

(a) still recovering from the NHS in New York,

(b) devastated at the cancellation of the NHS in Las Vegas and scrambling to get into Wellington or find other alternative venues for that all important final point chase, and

© have recently and temporarily lost the services of their own personal BNTs due to, shall we say, unforeseen circumstances that shall remain circumstantial.

Those at Pocket Trainer express their deep apologies, but while Pocket Trainer has been put up at venerable ($$$$$) hotel in the heart of Midtown, that fine establishment is sadly deficient in modern technology and Pocket Trainer has access only to a <shudder> dial-up connection. You can understand that this is not acceptable for all but the briefest use.

Pocket Trainer promises to respond to all inquiries from dear client$ such as yourselves at the earliest opportunity. In the meantime, Pocket Trainer has instructed me to advise you all to bide the time with either the 2001 Marchesi de’Frescobaldi Chianti Rufina Montesodi, or, if you are truly in dispair, a 1996 Duval-Leroy Brut Blanc de Chardonney Champagne.

[eclipse]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

Do you have a model that will help me go to the bathrooms? I get so nervous at shows, but am afraid to go to the porta-potties by myself. Oh, & I would also really like to know if you have a model that would hold my horse while I disappear to “chat” with my friends so I don’t have to be stuck holding a set of reins all day?

Sincerely,
Miss Prissypants.

“My head’s not empty, it’s just full of crap”

[Portia]

sweetnlo, even the mighty Pocket Trainer can’t change the Rainbow Bridge. That show barn is run by the BIG Pocket Trainer (even bigger than George Morris)

"Extremism in defense of my horse is no vice!"  [I]Danae[/I]
"Right on!"  [I]Lucy[/I]
[I]Non Sequitur, Oct. 8, 2003[/I]

[bigbay]

By Indio!

[This message was edited by bigbay on Nov. 18, 2003 at 12:38 AM.]