Dear Pocket Trainer:

[Merry]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SillyHorse:

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item, Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Aha! I hope this is for real! Now, when my equestrian guests arrive for my annual horsey holiday soiree, I can deftly pour some NASCARbenet or Chateau des Moines into my collection of crystal carafes and no one will be any the wiser… Pocket Trainer included… IF he/she is so lucky as to be invited!

P.S. to Midge: It’s a collapsible, mesh laundry “thingie” that sits longwise horizontally. It fits exactly inside my lovely Walmart tack trunk! One section for leg wraps, one for brushes, one for odds 'n ends!

[I]My state's governor can beat up your state's governor.[/I]

[jumperpony_Blaze]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

In a few weeks i am going to be making my debut in the Junior Jumpers, and to celabrate, i NEED a new hunt coat so i won’t look out of place. then, even if i have a bad round, i will be remembered because of my smashing hunt coat.

i found the perfect dark grey hunt coat with blue piping that would look wonderful with my dray brown horse. but there is a problem. My mother refuses to by me a new hunt coat! she says that i can wear one of my many hunt coats and that the coat that i want is too expensive. can you believe it?

oh Pocket trainer, will you please help me?

thanks so much, HuntCoat-less in OHIO

~Blaze~
Tucker

[Portia]

Wingsy, it is a terrible thing that a True Princess like Maddie does not have her own personal trainer. You must correct this slight immediately if you expect her to project the proper air of hauteur in the show ring.

"Put simply, the necessary ammunition wasn't there - and no balls means no awards."
[I]Robert Hamilton, president of the Clydesdale Horse Society of Scotland, quoted in Ananova, Sept. 29, 2003[/I]

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dearest Hunter Princesses!

You didn’t think Pocket Trainer was coming back with talk about Box O’Wine and plastic trunks, did you? We have been in therapy for three days for just thinking about it!

Fortunately we were most impressed with BH!'s astute knowledge of “All Things Pocket”.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[bigbay]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

Unfortunately, I have just suffered a very distressing turn of events. It seems that my primary A/O hunter, Pushbutton Ride (a very tasteful dark bay with an appropriately centered star), was lunged for a leeetle too long by my Pocket Groom (not his fault- I bought him one of your Natural Horsemanship swivel chairs for the task as a present for passing his citizenship test, and he too had trouble finding the off switch).

At any rate, I was forced to call in my practice mount, Steady Eddie, for the show. Thankfully, because I followed Pocket Trainer’s sage advice on selecting a practice mount and brought along Pocket Matchmaker on the trip to Ocala when I bought him, he is the perfect A show mount, aside from the obvious imperfection of being a chestnut (hence the practice mount status).

The further trouble is that Steady was recently body-clipped as he was not expected to have to leave the ranch. This resulted in considerable lightening of his coat, and he’s now a very unsightly color, which, if it weren’t for his stellar conformation and European brand, might even manage to get him confused for a- gasp!- Quarter Horse!

In the interests of sportsmanship I am sucking it up (and sucking down the martinis) and riding anyway, but I am confused as to what ringside cocktail would compliment his unusual hue. I already have the Beringer White Merlot on ice for next weekend’s B Circuit finals (thanks to Pocket Trainer’s excellent tutilege on how to blend in with the locals), but ostensibly that is not appropriate for an A-rated event.

I am considering going with either Oban on the rocks or a nice late harvest Sauterne in keeping with the fall colors, but as with all decisions, I am ill-prepared to make this one on my own. Please advise!

Signed,

A Horse of a Different Color

P.S. Please do not suggest a traditional whiskey as I do not want to encourage the Quarter Horse resemblance any more than necessary!

[Robby_Johnson]

Dear Pocket Trainer -

Sometimes I require a little Rx Pocket Pacifier to calm my nerves. But it seems to effect my ability to remember a dressage test.

Any tips?

Thank you,

Xanax Daddy

Take me to the river, drop me in the water
http://community.webshots.com/user/rbjohnsonii

[sweetnlo]

I hate to be a bother, but those of us who are truly pocket prepared have become so accustomed to our way of life that the spelling and gramatical errors of those who are “out of pocket” is becoming an intolerable nuisance. Could you offer a Pocket Printer to those poor souls on an installment plan, since it would be eliminate yet another bother from the lives of your pocket princesses???

[Beezer]

Oh THANK GOD you are back!! Why, why I was bereft, I was.

Oh Wise Pocket Trainer, what is the best way to tell my BNT that I have gone against his wishes and purchased a racehorse? Now, I don’t actually intend for said racehorse to keep racing, but rather, I expect my BNT to do, you know, whatever that BNT thing that BNTs do and make him a show horse! By Indio.

I was thinking champagne might be nice. You know, get him good and schnockered before I tell him. Thoughts?

Signed, Rarin’ to Go.

***** I muck, therefore I am. *****

[Oldenburg_Mom]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by War Admiral:
I suspect there will be a really good excuse why the Pocket Trainer product line does NOT include a Pocket Pager!

---

The TB body slave formerly known as Lizviola.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

ROTFLMAO.

[B]The adventure has begun…[/B]
KT

P.S. In case you were wondering, the more people I get to know, the more I loff my horsie.

[Flashy_Gray]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Posie’s new jumper seems to be stopping when she buries him at the 4’3" oxers and attempts to prop herself halfway up his neck. Horrid beast! Anyway, she shall need a replacement soon and in time to change his clunky foreign-language name to something dull and over-used (after posting a poll on the Hunter/Jumper forum), and register it with the USAE. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

and:

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> Pocket Trainer, in the future, is there some sort of Pocket Bodyguard or filtering software that will prevent such cruel attacks which point out my eccentricities from reaching my ears? I fear it may effect my ego and ability to pose properly on my mount. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

This thread is impeding my ability to breathe, I am laughing so hard.

[Midge]

Wellington National, dear. Wellington National…

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Flipping and Drinking!

Pocket Trainer begs you to come over from the dark side. There is a place where you drink and your trainer flips your horse while you get a manicure from Pocket Junior!

We invite you to explore the Pocket Trainer Experience at one of our showrooms located at an A2 show near you! You won’t be sorry! ($19.95 admission fee, children must stay with their Au Pairs or Nannies at all times).

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Portia]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

These Selle Francais horses sound interesting. As long as they have foreign names and I can say they were imported from a European country that distains us, that’s all that really matters to be able to hold one’s head up, isn’t it?

Actually learning to ride? Hmmmmmm… This idea intrigues me. Perhaps you could tell us more about this concept?

Interested in Influencing My Equine

"Extremism in defense of my horse is no vice!"  [I]Danae[/I]
"Right on!"  [I]Lucy[/I], [I]Non Sequitur, Oct. 8, 2003[/I]

[sweetnlo]

Pocket Trainer;
Please advise me on how to survive this holiday!! It is too much to decide what to drink with the meal, what to drink with pie, the best way to “dispose” of all those unwanted calories after eating so I will still fit into my color coordinated riding wardrobe(s) for each horse. Do you offer a telepone turkey trainer for a day??? Or the family feud facilitator!!!

[Weatherford]

Dear Pocket Trainer -

I was about to purchase the top of the line model, but KHobstetter’s post scared me. I REALLY don’t want things to go wrong…

As a matter of fact I’d be happy to take care of the horses some of the time, if my Pocket Trainer model would ALWAYS take care of me - with no complaints!

Can you fix it before I spend my hard-earned money?

Thanks,

Needinghelpinhouse

It’s OUT! Linda Allen’s 101 Exercises for Jumping co-authored by MOI!!!

[Portia]

Dear Pocket Trainer –

I am very interested in Lessons Plus™. It would be a novelty to be able to tell a horse what to do, rather than making a suggestion and relying upon the Pocket Trainer™ Auto-Pilot Program to do the work. Not that I like “work,” mind you, but I’m thinking of it more as a “work-out,” like my spinning and Tae Bo classes I take at my Club.

I have often thought that there might be some advantage in becoming one of those daring individuals who can get on their horse without having had it previously lunged by Pocket Groom™ or ridden by Pocket Trainer or Pocket Junior™.

If I were to commit to the Lessons Plus™ program, I trust that Pocket Trainer would be able to accompany me to France to find the proper (and most fashionable) mounts for me, both for training and for show. I’ve heard of a horse called “Baloubet” or something similar, who I understand is a Selle Francais. Perhaps he might be available?

Signed –
Potential Plus Participant

[bigbay]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bluesy:

What about OUR needs? Do you EVER think of us? For GOODNESS SAKE I want to be treated ROYALLY as I’m sure the rest of your LOYAL clients who are in need do. I mean making these poor souls in need WAIT? How dare you? Fourtunatley I am too perfect to ever need your humble services, as your prices are too cheap for my blood. I shall now go and attempt to calm myself with some nice Gewurztraminer.

Ta ta,
~ Royal Payne

 <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Tch, tch, tch. Considering as how Pocket Trainer tends to disdain Gewurztraminer except when on buying trips to Germany, this is highly unlikely to inspire her repentance.

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear All Too Silent!

Pocket Trainer must apologize profoundly and sincerely! Our records show that you did order the Whoop Whoop upgrade ($1595 with a $19.95 per class surcharge) and we failed to turn it on. We sincerely regret this horrific oversight on our part.

In order to make this right with you, a valued client, we have 1) refunded all 900 charges; 2) turned the function “on” and given you 6 free classes of whooping; 3) contacted the judges in your next 3 shows to arrange for a little “consideration” that should help make this right; 4) arranged to have the programmer in question summarily executed; and 5) shipped you a lovely bottle of 1994 Whitehall Lane Reserve Cabernet to ease the disappointment.

We here at Pocket Trainer hope that we have “re-earned” your trust again!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Hopeful_Hunter]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I’ve got a terrible crisis looming!

My spouse, totally out of the blue, has expressed an interest in meeting my horse, Paycheck Processor! Worse, he’s expressed an interest in…seeing me ride my horse, all on my own!

Polite laughter and appropriate spousal comments have not dissuaded him. Last night, I heard him muttering something that sounded suspiciously like “all that money and I’ve never seen her ride the damnthing.”

Obviously, I can’t simply show up at the barn and ride Paycheck! At the very least I’d need to alert a groom and my trainer to prep him…but how to explain this to the spouse? He seems quite put out at the idea that I can’t simply hop on Paycheck and shudder “jump a few fences already.”

I’ve already quaffed most of a 2000 Vine Cliff Chardonnay with some brie and apricots worrying about this! How can I explain to my dear funding source that his request is simply de trop?!

Horrified in Harford

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Chipaholic!

Pocket Trainer is so excited to hear from you! As we have all known, you can fake it with a good hunter mount up to 3’6, and quite possibly to 4’0 with a quality jumper. But high Juniors and A/O’s? Up until this moment there has been no way to fake it, you had to have some riding ability. Sad but true…

Nothing upsets Pocket Trainer more than inequality, and we were most unwilling to accept that money could not be the great equalizer… However, we have worked hard to eliminate this last class distinction! We are so pleased and proud to annouce our newest product line: Pocket Trainer GPS Jumper Systems®!

With Pocket Trainer GPS Jumper Systems® your fancy Euro-Jumper can have a state of the art global positioning system installed on board. No more desperate guessing as your trainer screams FORWARD FORWARD PLEASE DEAR GOD DON’T LET HER LEAVE FROM THERE from 200 yards away! Pocket Trainer, from the comfort of the stands (or even the barn!), can coordinate your trip in real time to the nth detail with the help of satellite technology! And if you have a healthy sense of self preservation and have not dared the ranks of the high A/O jumpers, you can safely leave behind the humiliation of the low prestige rings, knowing Pocket Trainer will take care of you!

Truly, with all that this new product promises, the more than affordable price of $19,995 is practically a give away. Why you will probably win it back in one WEF season! We would also like to mention that we have a state of the art mobile scanner ($995 plus installation fee) in order to copy the course layout as well as the upgrade to the Pocket Trainer Earpiece System (required, $595 upgrade cost).

Why there is nothing Pocket Trainer could think to top this experience, except quite possibly opening a bottle of 1995 Moet et Chandon Cuvee Dom Perignon, and toasting both the new year and your future successes with some quality bubbly!

Happy New Year to All!!!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)