Dear Pocket Trainer:

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Drooped About Drapes!

Never fear, Pocket Trainer is all about a stress-free showing experience! And we at Pocket Trainer realize that when you are in the full Pocket Trainer Experience! you have more than enough time to contemplate your surroundings, so they should meet your every need.

But we confess, we were challenged by the same issues as you discussed. Your barn colors are an integral part of you and your identity on the show circuit. And let’s face it, if people don’t know they are passing YOUR barn, identified with YOUR colors, logos and monograms, what exactly is the point of being there? So we here at Pocket Trainer have developed the solution to color coordinating with your moods, wines and show gear while retaining your barn color identy. The Pocket Trainer Inner Sanctum ® ($795 per week per show - stall costs extra). Yes, we will design a neutral environment in an additional stall space, complete with mobile sound system and lighting to adapt to your ever changing needs (soothing aqua to go with a 1996 Parasio Springs Pinot Blanc as Pocket Trainer prepares Never Misses for your class, a bon vivant soft red to compliment the victory glass of Cuvee Dom Perignon after Never Misses sweeps the division and so on…)

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Desperate Not to Be Declasse!

Pocket Trainer commends you on your commitment to all things important in life, and wine is certainly one of them. Although Pocket Trainer expresses reservation about drinking a wine so young as a Beaujolais Nouveau, Pocket Trainer defers to the French in this matter!

Normally Pocket Trainer would disagree with you about being so bold as to step out of an obvious trend as a German horse, but Pocket Trainer was most impressed with the WEG performance of those hot little Selle Francais horses. Sadly Pocket Trainer must inform you that Selle Francais horses do have a fair smattering of TB and anglo arab blood in them, and could even be considered “sensitive”. This may mean that you may actually have to learn to ride.

Which is why we are proud to announce our newest upgrade, Pocket Trainer Lessons Plus® ($9995 plus additional $495 per month subscription). Unlike the regular Pocket Trainer Experience!, with Lessons Plus® you will actually be called upon to ride! No more perching and propping on a half dead mount in your lessons. We will actually drill you without stirrups on an animal that hasn’t seen a lunge line, liquid or otherwise!

We caution you, this upgrade isn’t for everyone. In fact we think only a very few of our elite clients will be suited for it. As a protection to all involved, we require a PT Rider Temperment Analysis ($695) prior to permitting you to buy this upgrade. However we do recommend a 1995 Murphy-Goode Deuce Fume Blanc prior to taking the test. Another bottle is recommended prior to opening the results.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[nhwr]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I, like my chere amie, Coreene have heard you will be coming out with an earpiece attachement. Is it true there will be an optional video interface with a 5 miles transmission radius for BNTs, who for whatever reason , are not on the showgrounds?

Sincerely,

Inconvienced by Rule IV

[nhwr]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I can only respond that it is vulgar to actually discuss matters of wealth. And cavorting (over fences, under suspicion, in the tack room or between the 300+ counts) is simply not discussed either. Although all of the above do, in fact, occur. Think of this as market expansion opportunity for the white sound device.

Discreetly,

Dressage Regina

PS If there is such a thing as a Pocket Princess model in the works, all bets are off. Previous non disclosures are unenforcable and my hourly rate of grossly overpaid/hour applies.

[Kerby]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I have ordered your entire PT line, with much hope for a happier future, when a thought suddenly occured to me. Living north of the American border, I realise things are different. For example, we have the metric system! Does PT come with international conversions? How can I let PT know its not in the USA anymore, or does it just ‘know’?

I also have reciently purchased a mount from Germany… but now I read that the selle francis might be the ‘in’ thing. Shall I exchange it? or use german horse as a practice mount, and buy a new, more ‘in’ horse for shows? and what color should the new mount be? I want to be in style, yet I don’t want to blend in with the other common horses.

My German horse is also a light chestnut, what type of wine would you recommend drinking near my horse, so I don’t clash?

Yours sincerly
North of the Border

[Oldenburg_Mom]

Bumping …

Pock-ets, where ARE you? sheesh

[B]It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. (T. Roosevelt)[/B]
KT
P.S. The more people I get to know, the more I love my horse.

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Amazingly Appalled!

Pocket Trainer shares your concern, although Pocket Trainer has come to accept that there must be people on all rungs of life, and this holds true - as unseemly as it may be - in the horse world as well.

However Pocket Trainer has nothing against homemade shirts, it’s just that Pocket Trainer prefers that they be very expensive and custom tailored, with no thought to who is actually doing the sewing and in which home this occurs. We actually have hope for this unforunate family as they have elected to have custom shirts instead of some horrific off the rack polyester number in short sleeves. This is a small but insightful step in the right direction.

However Pocket Trainer understands your angst at watching such a thing, and urges you to donate several of your own custom shirts to the girl in question. We are sure you wouldn’t be caught dead in last season’s shirts anyway, so this solution serves everyone!

Finally, we always recommend a 1994 Autumn Wind Reserve Pinot Noir to celebrate your largesse.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Potential Plus Participant!

Of course Pocket Trainer would be there for you in your search for the perfect mount. Pocket Trainer Matchmaker ($595 per analysis) and Pocket Trainer Search ($999 not including expenses and commi$$ion$) are excellent tools to help you find just the RIGHT! mount.

But Pocket Trainer warns you about expecting too much from your Lessons Plus ® program. Any succesful rider is part of the Pocket Team, and even as a rider who can make decisions in the ring, we caution you about such practice outside the ring. Innocent people could get hurt.

Pocket Trainer would like to point out that “Baloubet,” while certainly an excellent choice, is a little bit yesterday’s news. Rather like buying the old GP horse for your next adult jumper. Pocket Trainer thinks something like “Dollar du Murier” sends a much better message to your fellow show brethren.

As always, we recommend a 1994 Bartholomew Park Desnudos Cabernet when contemplating how to separate Eric Navet from his mount…

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Wrapped Up and Unhappy About It!

We here at Pocket Trainer cannot express how strongly we disdain the practice of long lining, especially by one of our clients. Quite frankly, long lining has its place, and that place is in the hands of Chester Weber or some other Four-in-Hand superstar!

We trust you have heard the saying “We are professionals - Do NOT try this at home”? Please assume this applies to you!

Also, we would beg of you not to listen to Dressage Regina. While she is a lovely person, obviously she has inhaled just a tad too many nail polish remover fumes, and is confused about the use of “black” in the hunter/jumper world. May we remind you that when it comes to your mount, it is only suitable in polos. Naturally, when it comes to your person, you are only permitted to use it on your paddock boots, boots, half chaps, helmet and shadbelly. All other instances require an approved exception from the Fashion Police (please not that limited use of black in chaps is permissable, but it is far better to use it as a trim on your chaps).

We hope this clears up any confusion, and we strongly suggest a 1990 Schramsberg J. Schram Brut to celebrate the New Year and your freedom from long lines and goth clothing?

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Wildly Wondering and Wheres the Groom!

Pocket Trainer urges you to not associate with people who cannot appreciate the Pocket Trainer Experience! This is probably the same sort of person who casts aspersions on vital trips to Europe to buy your Winning Mount of the Month.

And Pocket Trainer does offer a variety of international versions of Foreign Pocket Trainer, although we have do have a sale on our remaining Brazilian models (call 1-800 GOTMYPT for details and pricing). It’s just not as popular as it one was.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Coreene]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

A friend told me about the Pistol In Your Pocket attachment that your company offers. Is this true?

Yours,

Lily Lily Lily

[system]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

Recently, I came to the BB for advice about a “situation” that was causing me great distress…the root of the problem was my apparent failure to educate a pair of novice parents about a number of inconvenient truths of horse ownership; full understanding of the constant responsibility factor seemed to escape them. Fortunately the situation has resolved itself, but clearly I need a more dependable method of ensuring that parents will either develop good judgement of their own, or trust mine without question. Which modules do you reccommend for this problem…and how quickly can they be installed? Will they continue to function if parents are on vacation?

sincerely,

“Wishing They Would Get It”

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Techdom!

We here at Pocket Trainer thank you so much for your concern regarding th ebundling issue. Our excellent staff of attorneys has recommended a “Dell” style of bundling (optional, but preferred) for most of our services. Naturally, we let our customers buy any single product they desire, and try to guide them to their perfect Pocket Trainer Experience!

As for your PDA request, I am afraid you hit on the very heart of that problem with your reference to the “unwashed masses”. You see, we here at Pocket Trainer recognize that the Pocket Trainer Experience is a special experience indeed. It’s not for everyone, most especially the unwashed masses. And we have it on good authority that any old unwashed mass can walk in off the street and purchase a PDA… Hence our concern with Brand Uniqueness and Desirability. But we are looking into upgrading Pocket Junior ($495 installation, $99.95 monthly subscription, plus tips!) with standard PDA package. We find this option especially desirable, as our clients will not have to do any actual data entry, which is really quite beneath them…

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Better Red than Dead

Here at Pocket Trainer we are confused by the idea that a horse might have opinions, although we freely admit we do steer our clients away from redheads, as we feel this is the path to Helfire and Damnation (and we are not particularly religious!)

We feel that we can only recommend a mount with less … ideas … As always, Pocket Trainer recommends a new mount whenever the old one proves less than satisfactory. However, we have seen instances where the mount in question is actually better at the job than the rider, yet the rider is incapable of not screwing up the horse. These are our favorite horses as we simply recommend a few muscle relaxants along with a 1994 David Bruce Pinot Noir several hours prior to the class. This generally results in a rider willing to listen to the more talented partner.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dearest Horse Show Brethren!

It has come to our attention that some who are, shall we say, involved in horse shows may suffer from an occassional altercation with the law. Why some people might even find themselves a target for local law enforcement quite possibly due to prior behavior.

While Pocket Trainer feels for these people to a certain degree. There is just no way one looks their best when handcuffed and starring in the local news broadcast.

But in spite of our stellar products (Pocket Trainer Legal Aid and Consultation - $4995 implementation plus $300/hour consultation and usage fee), that are so helpful when dealing with all your legal issues, we here at Pocket trainer must draw the line at certain behaviors. Standards are so helpful when deciding what jacket goes best with your ratcatcher, or when deciding what goes up your nose, so to speak. Sadly we will not be able to offer this service in these circumstances.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[FarnleyPonyOwner]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

I’m sick of riding my own horse during the week! I’m also sick of my horse not knowing how to do everything perfect, he also is no longer steel grey but is turning, gasp white-this is an unacceptable color. Also at horse shows I’m having a hard time wiping my own a$$.
Do you offer any solutions to my above problems?

Sincerely yours,
Dirty Butt

~Adult Pony Rider Clique~

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Mooovvviiing Unnnncoooonttrrooollabllly!

Pocket Trainer has stopped spewing her exquisite 1993 Caymus Cabernet all over her keyboards long enough to remind you that if you had purchased the Buck Brannamen Idiot Proof Assistance Module along with your Horse Whisperer Deeeeelllluuuuuuxe model, you would not be in this predicament.

Normally we would merely raise a glass to your predicament and ask for a consultation fee ($9.95 per minute), but as we have been so thoroughly amused, we will point out that the red button under the seat is NOT the turn off swith, that controls the speed. Try the black switch on the underside of the left arm rest…

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[LLDM]

My Dear Pocket Trainer,

While it is true that you seem to sport an amusing little wine cellar, I find it quite unfortunate that you believe my wardrobe budget is smaller than the combined GNP of several third world countries combined. You simply must spend more time on Tailor’s Row. “The SAME coat,” my, you silly child.

And while it is true that as a seventeenth generation rider I was simply born with ability, what is one to do with one’s guests? I tire so of endless shopping trips to the Mother Country in search of sane talented horses with the ability to completely disregard any annoying nuisance on their backs. “Renard’s Revenge” and “Blown Away” must retire someday. I was so hoping you could help.

Even properly mounted, of course, guests are in constant need of, ahem, guidance. Concerning both survival, of course, but also the ever-important protocols of terminology and demeanor. Any assistance you might be able to provide would bring the greatest of relief to the staff and the hounds alike.

There may be hope for the Pocket Experience, if only you can find just the right vintage to keep our guests aboard, without that horrid habit of screaming in terror.

Yours truly, “steeped” in stirrup cups

The Hon. Tally-Ho

A Leg at Each Corner

[RugBug]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

I am in the middle of a very serious crisis with my virtual trainer. She is just too nice to me. She answers my questions, she supports my decisions, and even treats me with respect. I hear these things can be extrememly detrimental to my hunter princess status. I fear if I do not act quickly I may start thinking I know how to ride instead of just looking pretty on my horse.

Please help!

Signed,

Looking for Abuse

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear One Martini Too Many!

Pocket Trainer feels your pain! As you know, Pocket Trainer normally recommends “white with light horses” and “red with dark horses” but that is simply not a workable situation when you have 2 different colors in one class. Still, if you are riding your A/O hunter and your A/O jumper, we do encourage that you stick with this protocol,even if the classes run close together. Remember, appearances count, and they count double at the hunter in gate!

But we here at Pocket Trainer have put some thought into the issue of two horses in one class leading to a wine conflict, and we certainly do agree that martinis are one solution, but we must allow that there is a school of thought that encourages the dark liquors with bay horses. While an extra dirty martini might seem a good compromise, some disagree…

After much consulting with our esteemed group of wine consultants, we have determined that Pinot Noir is the perfect wine for this occassion. Yes, it is red, but it has long been held to be a wine that maintains its elegance in the face of diversity. The fact that it is notoriously difficult to grow and tempermental only adds to its mystique. We recommend the 1994 Elk Cove La Boheme Pinot Noir for those riding a grey and bay in hunters, but prefer the more robust 1994 Gary Farrell Rochiolo for the jumpers.

Naturally, you should never have to worry about identifying your Pocket Groom. We design them to all look alike, so we program them to identify you!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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