Dear Pocket Trainer:

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Knee Deep in Mud!

Naturally Pocket Groom ($495 installation fee, $79.95 monthly subscription plus tips!) does include a tack cleaning function, but first you have to ask yourself why you were handling your tack? You could not possibly be enjoying the full Pocket Trainer Experience! if you were tacking up your own horse.

Pocket Trainer also recommends that horses be allowed to be horses. However, we require that they do so every Monday between 7:30AM and 8:15 AM, after which Pocket Groom will take them back in to be groomed within an inch of their life. Your horse is a reflection of you, and you are a reflection of your bank account. We at Pocket Trainer like to keep everything looking healthy.

But Pocket Trainer does recommend that you sip a Bloody Mary while your mounts are being groomed in the morning.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Lord_Helpus]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I fear I face a hard choice. According to your guidelines, I must be color coordinated at all times. But I do have one area in which my colors clash, and I fear I must make a change.

My golf cart is tastefully painted in my barn colors of hunter green and gray (with burgundy accents) and also has my stable name painted on the hood. I believe I have done everything up to Pocket Trainer standards in this respect.

Now to my problem. My 6 pedigreed Afghan Hounds, who ride in the back of my golf cart at all times, are NOT color coordinated with the golf cart. I have had them for 8 years and they are truly my best (possibly my only) friends. But I fear I must give them up and buy Giant Schnausers instead.

Is there another solution to this dilemma?

Signed,

Worried in West Palm Beach

When life gives you crap, make crapenade.

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Rarin’ to Go and Should Maybe Slow Down!

It goes without saying that your Primary Sin was that you purchased ANY animal without the express consent, involvement, bequeathal of commi$$ion$ or other various and sundry perks that are a BNT’s God Given Right. I suggest that you start with a '66 Rothschild and beg forgiveness. This should put him into a mellow enough mood to not kick you out of the barn. Then move to tequila shots, so he has no memory of the finer details of your conversation.

We also suggest trying to pass off your new mount as some sort of TB influenced European bred like the much coveted Selle Francais. This will require removal of the tattoo, but for $495 you can purchase the Pocket Trainer Tattoo Removal Kit (also useful for teenagers who go away for the year with a BNT!). For an additional $79.95 per month Pocket Trainer will apply our confidentiality clause to your purchase, thereby ensuring nobody learns of your dirty little secret.

And of course your new mount can be ready for Indio! As long as you aspire to the jumper ring and are not terribly fond of control (or not shy about the hardware your horse wears), a winter circuit is in your immediate future!

As always, Pocket Trainer recommends a '94 Ravenswood Merlot when thinking about donating large sums of money to a horse show manager.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[sweetnlo]

Dear Pocket Trainer,
Is drinking with no eeek-whine dilema as an excuse acceptable??? Are there other excuses?? I would like to order the Key Keeper Chauffer addition for those times when I “don’t feel like being bothered to drive”.

Tippin’ in Taunton

[nhwr]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

Reading about these Selle Francais and other types of horses that may require actually riding, I am wondering if you might consider a pharmacuetically enhanced moduled of the Pocket Trainer? I am a firm believer in better living through chemistry.

Sincerely,

Dressage Regina

[Peggy]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sweetnlo:
Pocket Trainer;
Please advise me on how to survive this holiday!! It is too much to decide what to drink with the meal, what to drink with pie, the best way to “dispose” of all those unwanted calories after eating so I will still fit into my color coordinated riding wardrobe(s) for each horse. Do you offer a telepone turkey trainer for a day??? Or the family feud facilitator!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Shouldn’t this be in the “Dear Pocket Turkey” thread?

[sweetnlo]

Pocket Trainer. . .

I am scared. I read one of your “supposed” clients actually knew her horse, even worse that he had a fly mask. PLEASE tell me this was an impostor, QUICKLY as the only beverage available to me is domestic light beer in a can, with dare I say a COOOZEEEEEE.

[Jambalaya]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

We will follow your suggestion and purchase yet another mount for my Precious Posie, as Insanely Accurate obviously lacks that special brilliance that shines out of Posie’s orifices.

I have heard much buzz about these French horses, but do they self-jog? Posie so detests paying attention and returning to the ring, shuffling through all that dirt merely to claim a ribbon we will later toss!

And dropping the hunters is not an option, as equitation and jumpers require her to go through the whole charade of following her BNT on coursewalks, counting long, ridiculous steps and pretending to understand the purpose of it all. I really don’t comprehend this grand spectacle; doesn’t everyone’s horse zero in and gallop to any jump it’s pointed at, even if it meets the fence on three legs at a 12-degree angle?

Kisses,

Sell Me A Selle

[Midge]

Perhaps I’ll send PT a bottle of Shoffit 1997 and see if she’s not singing a different Gewurztraminer tune.

I gotta get rid of that stuff!! It’s screwing up the M/D theme of my cellar!

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Victim of a Cheap Knockoff!

We here at Pocket Trainer are most upset to inform you that the “Pocket Man Mister” that you purchased is in fact, not one of our fine products. If you check the (cheap flimsy plastic) label on the left hip, you will note that it is really Pccket Man Mister, with that first “c” almost closed like an “o”.

We here at Pocket Trainer are currently seeking legal action against this shoddy knockoff that is so clearly trying to capitalize on the excellent reputation of Pocket Trainer. Sadly we have even heard instances where defective Pccket Man Misters have even married their clients then skipped town with all their money!

We can offer you our premium Disconnect Service ($595 base fee plus $125 hourly rate) to stop the damage as well as invite you to join a class action lawsuit ($59.95 filing charge). Other than that we recommend that you lock up all the wine and liquor ASAP!

Yours in a Pocket

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Sold a Selle!

Sadly even if we could count on our mounts to self jog, it has been shown that certain judges (hereinafter referred to as “Old Time Farts”) frown on any displays that might indicate that the mount is 100% independent of the rider.

Frankly, Pocket Trainer finds this ridiculous and out of date. But who else has time to judge except these Old Time Farts? So Pocket Trainer has programmed Pocket Groom ($495 installation, $79.95 monthly subscription plus tips!) to jog. Additionally, Pocket Junior and Pocket Trainer will jog if additional mounts are called. Pocket Trainer recommends that Posie utilize her fake limp and patented whine if she has a 4th mount in the jog. Presumably someone who didn’t make the cutoff can be counted on jogging that mount.

As always, Pocket Trainer recommends a 1994 Benziger Imagery Sangiovese when thinking about owning 4 horses in one jog…

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[War_Admiral]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I confess I am most interested in your Pocket Trainer GPS Jumper Systems®.

What is the geographical range of this product? Will it work if the Trainer is, for some inexplicable reason, not present on the show grounds?

Thanks!
Mathless

---

Thoroughbreds! Everything else is just a horse.

[Merry]

Finally! A COTH BB thread that is more entertaining than the 24-hour news coverage of the California recall election!

[I]Yes, I too was groped by Arnold Schwarzenegger.[/I]

[Beezer]

Pockets?? Where for art thou??

***** I muck, therefore I am. *****

[hoopoe]

Ahhh it could be worse

they could be riding dressage

_\]
– * > hoopoe
The ancient Greeks did not write obituaries. They only wanted to know if you had a passion.

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Extra Martini!

The “Veterinary” portion of your bill is that Very Large Number at the bottom. Lord knows, Exceedingly Drugged loves his vet visits!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

[Jambalaya]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

I just realized that I have been with my current BNT for six months. At the one-month mark, I bought him the appropriate gift (personalized golf cart) to ensure that I would remain foremost in his concerns among his clientele.

Now my dilemma: in celebration of my slavish infatuation for my BNT for six whole months, I don’t know whether to buy him a newer, larger motorhome for use during the day at the show grounds, or shall I simply buy him a luxury automobile? On the one hand, the poor thing has been driving a 2001 model Jaguar, but on the other, I resent the cramped and common feeling I sometimes get when relaxing with a glass of wine in the current motor home. I don’t have to mention these deficiencies reflect badly upon me; what must people think – that I would tolerate such an inadequate presentation of my BNT experience?!!

Yours,

Horrified after Harrisburg

[Frank_B]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

I urgently need your help! A certain cable channel (OLN if you haven’t already guessed!) has suddenly ceased carrying show jumping – and right in the middle of the Florida Circuit!

Oh! The humanity! I’m now watching bull riding – and NASCAR!

My question is – what wines would be appropriate for these sports?

(Signed) Perplexed in TN

[sweetnlo]

GASP, my fellow Pocket Trainer Protected Princess, Pocket trainer will keep her clean for you, certainly you did not purchase said horse with out Pocket trainer’s assistance(for the appropriate fee). PTPPs should never be concerned with trivial things like grooming, it causes wrinkles which could affect you placing in the finals.

[sweetnlo]

Pocket Trainer,

Thanks to you I NEVER see my bill(with those “vet charges”) or ED, WOWY, or the rest of the herd. I raise my morning Screw Driver and toast you, yet again.

When can I expect delivery of my Pocket Poser Protector to detect all these Pccket Prisses and steer me clear of them? I mean why would any one NOT want to emulate and immitate your true Pocket Primadonnas who have bought that privilege fair and square. There must be more of them out there than first suspected, all this mentioning of “my horse this, my horse that” is scaring me, if you can recognize your horse that well you must be spending entirely tooo much time actually working around it.